In Which Joseph Is Based (2)

(Rebecca)

The two freaking secret-lair-havers finally opened the door to their secret lair, and I tugged Darren's hand as we walked up to them. Before they could even get in a word, I told them, "Liz is the one who manages everything, but while she's good at sneaking and getting gossip, I'm the best for actually sneaking and getting gossip. And yeah, Joe's, like, paranoid enough that I wouldn't be able to sneak after him, but Uzi? You need to step up your paranoia, girl."

Joseph gave Uzi a side-eye, and she gave a sheepish grin and laugh, before he told her, "Uzi? Start checking your motion tracker when you're coming and going from the lair, please?"

She shot him a petulant glare, and then said, "Fine, and I was the one who dropped the ball here. I'll take the blame," she grumbled.

Joe gestured for us to follow, and I looked after him with some trepidation. I'd wanted to find out what he was really up to with literally picking fights with Murder Drones, but whatever was past that door looked like a big room. "You two are gonna keep quiet about this to the others until they either also figure it out or everyone's 12, right?"

"Yeah," Darren said before I could. "I'm only here because Becca was nervous to go alone, but we'll both keep quiet as long as you tell us everything, dude."

I squirmed but simultaneously tightened my grip on his hand. "Stop telling people that, it's embarrassing !"

He rubbed the back of his head. "Sorry, Becca."

I couldn't stay mad at his apologetic gaze. "Just don't do it again, dummy."

"And I thought I was the tsundere," Uzi quipped with a sly grin.

"Oh shut up and actually look for people stalking you, hot topic!"

"At least I don't use other people's catch-phrases!"

"Girls," Darren and Joe deadpanned at the same time, before looking at each other and chuckling.

"Fine!" Uzi barked.

I pouted at Uzi, but we followed them into their literal secret lair , and I froze alongside Darren as I felt him clutch my hand tighter in turn. Holy shit , this place was huge .

"Welcome to Vault 1!" Joe said, with a theatrical spread out his arms and a wave of his entrenching tool to gesticulate at everything behind him.

I looked around, jaw hanging open as I took the sight in. There was a firing range, a workshop, a door labelled "Armory," another labelled "Storage," numerous side rooms, a whole bunch of machinery, what looked to be an entire engineering bay with what looked to be an in-progress attempt at assembling a hoverbike, a Drone Maintenance Station, and--

"Are those two IDMPs?!?" Darren blurted out.

"I wanna clarify, getting stuff to where it is today took me the better part of 4 years , and Uzi has only been helping me for less than half that time," Joe said.

"Uzi found this on her own?" I asked, looking over to the goth.

"Figured out the big secret on my own too!" she said, with a proud, fanged grin.

"So is this where you designed those fangs for your frames?" Darren asked.

"Designed those ourselves," Joe said, gesturing with his weapon towards the Drone Maintenance Station. "The frames we're in look identical to our teenage ones, but we built them from the ground up for combat purposes. Not quite Murder Drone levels of strength, but we're getting there eventually!"

"How have you been building all this?" I asked them. "This is, like, beyond paranoia, like you knew something was gonna happen and were preparing for it the whole time!"

Joe's grin faded. "That's… closer to the truth than you'd think. Can you two follow me to Vault 2? You're gonna wanna sit down for the full explanation."

"Full explanation for what ?" I asked Joe.

"This is freaking crazy," Darren mumbled. Then he froze, and said, "Wait, Vault Two ? You have a secret lair inside your other secret lair ?!?"

Uzi answered with, "The whole truth, about the Murder Drones, what really happened with the Core Collapse, and what's coming our way." She paused for a moment. "It is crazy. Insane , even… but Joe proved what he told me is real, he knows things that he can't know unless he's either telling the truth, or he's a time traveller , and that's too crazy even for me ."

I was getting kinda nervous. I'd thought that there'd just be a secret tunnel out of Outpost 3 or something, but this was big . And from what they were saying, it was gonna be something I'd need to sit down for. Both Darren and I clutched our hands together.

"I have four secret lairs in here so far ," Joe said, though his grin was fragile. "I promise I'll explain as much as I can. Same explanation I gave to Uzi, but I'd rather everyone be sitting down and comfortable, because this is gonna take a while . Took me a bit over five hours to get Uzi up to speed when she figured it out, after all."

We started following them across the space of Vault 1. "What the hell is that crazy?" Darren asked Joe.

"I'd prefer we get to Vault 2 before I answer everything. Uzi got really overwhelmed by what I told her… and it's definitely going to hit you both harder than it hit her," Joseph replied. Uzi actually winced for a second.

"Are… you like, okay, Uzi?" I asked her.

"I'm sorry," she mumbled. "I'm so sorry to you both."

"For what?" Darren said, confused.

Joe sighed, "Christ's sake, Uzi, we've been through this. I thought you were over it. You didn't do that. You won't do it in the future."

"I know!" Uzi shot back, "But… it could have happened, and that scares me, still, and makes me feel horrible ."

I jogged forwards to catch up to Uzi and put a hand on her shoulder. She flinched, but then looked at me. Her optics ringed out. "I don't know what you think you did, but I forgive you for it." Uzi looked away.

"Thanks Rebecca," she mumbled. "I… I want you to know, regardless of anything else, that I see you as a friend, okay?"

"...okay?" I said, confused.

"You're awesome, Uzi," Darren told her. "Don't sweat it."

We came into a break room, and I was about to ask if this is where we were gonna talk, but then Joe pulled up the projector screen, hit a secret button, and Uzi typed out a code on a hidden panel that revealed itself. Joe leaned on a wall, and then braced one foot on it, and then another secret door opened up. I glanced at Darren, who just had his mouth hanging open.

"You actually have a secret lair inside your secret lair?!?"

Joe had a shit-eating grin. "More than one," he said, and led us all inside. A couple more rooms and halls, and in less than three minutes, we were sat in some kind of lounge, Uzi going into a fridge and getting a couple bottles of everyone's favorite antifreeze.

"Huh, feels surreal as hell to be on the other side of this conversation," Uzi remarked.

"How do you think I feel, having it for the second time ?" Joe shot back.

"So…" Darren trailed off. "What is the deal with all of this?" he asked, gesturing a hand to the space of what was apparently "Vault 2" around us.

Joe took in a breath and sighed. "Right… lemme figure out how to start this…" He sat back and took a swig of antifreeze. "Actually a bit more difficult than Uzi, because she figured out at least part of what was really going on rather than just finding the secret lair." He took another moment, visibly mulling over his thoughts, and then said, "I guess I should just be as candid as I can be, and start from the beginning, like I did with Uzi." He looked us both in the eyes for a moment, and then glanced over to Uzi in surprise, who just smiled at him, and he smiled back. Must have been a DM. "This isn't my first life," Joseph said. "And I'm not referring to Andrew."

"Huh?" Darren and I said in tandem.

"Do you know how every anime I've recommended we watch was an Isekai Anime? What my username is?"

I thought for a moment. Joseph's username is Isekai… oh… oh my robo-god, there's no way he's actually serious, that's just bullshit. He has to be making that up!

"Are you saying you're actually an Isekai Protagonist?" Darren said in a small voice.

"He knew things about my mom that he could have only known if he was either from the other side of the 4th Wall, or was a time-traveller, and he is way too paranoid to try risking a paradox," Uzi said.

"...You're actually serious?" I asked Joe. I looked at Uzi. "You believed him?"

"I will reiterate, he had me go to dad and ask questions about mom that my dad said should have been impossible for anyone else to know, that I passed off as 'a rumor I heard in school.' And Joe got them perfectly , down to dad still carrying around the same wrench he used to 'kill' mom."

"Why were there air quotes on that?" I asked.

"There's a long story around it," Joe said, "but to cut said long story short, you know how Uzi and Doll's moms were infected by the Solver?"

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Among the myriad of bullshit powers you get," he explained, "is the ability for your core to survive independently of your body, complete with its own optical sensor, vocalizer, capacity to use the Solver, and some kinda crab tentacle limbs… it's also cybernetic. Nori survived her death but did a stupid and fucked off back to Cabin Fever labs to try and find Patch 2.1.8 for the Solver for Uzi and Doll, and didn't tell anyone she was still alive ."

"I am very upset with my mom, by the way," Uzi added. "Glad she's apparently alive, but not happy with her not even leaving a note for even dad ."

"Huh, I can understand you being upset with that," Darren remarked.

"You're seriously from the other side of the 4th Wall ?!?" I shouted.

"In my first life, I was a human on Earth in the early 2000s. Watched an eight episode Indie Animated Series on Youtube by a guy named Liam Vickers produced on a channel called Glitch Productions. The show was called Murder Drones , and the Pilot Episode took place in 3071. As you can tell by when I showed up, I landed here 9 years before that. Canon… is not nice. For a lot of people. I've been making efforts to derail things hard to get a happy ending for everyone. First alone, but then with a lot of help from Uzi."

I glanced over to Uzi again, and she seemed on board the entire time. I looked back at Joe, and then Darren, who glanced at me too. We held hands. I thought. Hard. I'd been looking for something to gossip about, maybe some small secret workshop where they were making guns to try and ambush Murder Drones, with Joe jumping the gun and wanting to try and take the fight to the Solver early. Instead, I'd come across what looked to be a secret headquarters for waging a planetary scale campaign against a god , and it was starting to sink in that I was pretty sure Joe was telling the truth about the whole Isekai Protagonist thing… which… holy fuck , I'd stumbled upon the biggest thing since literal Robot Cthulhu Satan being real and wanting to kill us all. Wait-- "You knew about the Solver the whole time?" Because so much of the seemingly inane hints and jokes he made, about planned deicide and whatnot made so much more sense with this context.

"Yeah," Joe said. "Been working away at plans to beat that thing since day one. Don't know how I got here, or why, or even precisely when I left my native timeline, but if just Uzi could manage to kill the Solver without knowing what was coming, I figure that all of us working together and knowing what's on the way will stand a way better chance."

"What do you mean, just Uzi?" Darren asked. Then his optics hollowed, and so did mine as the realization sunk in. "Wait, if you weren't here--"

Joe cut him off. "None of you'd have been friends. Lizzy would have lost her sense of empathy, you and her would have kept bullying Uzi, become significantly worse versions of yourselves, Doll would have stayed a traumatized mess, gone crazy from her Solver, and started killing people to drink their oil so she wouldn't overheat. That's how Kelsey was supposed to die in the canon timeline."

"We have definitely headed that off, though," Uzi said.

"I am so sorry, Uzi--" she cut off my apology.

"You didn't do it in this timeline," Uzi told me. "You're not going to do it," Uzi added. "Just like cuz won't kill Kelsey, because we changed things for the better." Uzi closed her optics, and started thumping a leg. "Just like…" her voice dropped to a whisper, "I'm not going to end up going feral from oil deprivation after my Solver unlocks and kill the both of you…"

I stared at her, optics ringed. She was supposed to kill me and Darren both? I shook my head. No! She wouldn't. They changed the timeline. Joe changed it. He had an oil stockpile from all of us for Doll. It would be enough for Uzi too, later. Whatever circumstances led to that weren't going to happen anymore. I… I was struggling to wrap my head around this, but I knew that Uzi would never hurt me if she could help it. I swallowed, and shook my head again.

Darren let go of my hand and walked over to Uzi and gave her a hug. "You didn't kill us, Uzi," he told her. "You're not going to, if you can help it--"

" I couldn't !" she screamed out, looking up at him, scared. "I couldn't control myself in that future, even if it's not gonna happen, and I'm scared that it could still happen anyw--"

"Uzi!" Joe cut her off, and walked over to give her a hug too. "Jesus Christ, and you tell me that I repress my problems! It's a future! Not the future! It won't happen . I promise !"

"Uzi," I told her. "I'm… I'm not gonna lie and say that I'm not, like, totes fucking terrified right now… but I know you'll do everything you can to make sure that doesn't happen." I got up, and joined the boys with the hug. "But can you give me a hug right after this?" I asked. "I think I need one."

"Me too," Darren said, without a moment's hesitation.

The hug quickly shifted from three drones hugging Uzi to Joe trying to wrap his arms around everyone while we all tried to hug each other. A minute or so later, we finally broke it off, sat back down, and drank some more antifreeze.

"So… am I an important character? Even if, like, I die?" I asked.

Joe looked at me, chuckled a bit, and then gave a brutal, "You have less than 40 seconds of time speaking on screen, and were barely on screen for a significant amount of time past that. Darren even less so. I've learned more about you two by being your friends than I ever did from the other side of the 4th Wall." Oh. That… that like… really sucked . I was in a show with like… maybe millions of viewers, was barely there in said show, was a total bitch, and then died. Fuck, that felt terrible . A glance at Darren showed he was handling that about as bad as I was. "But," Joe said. "My existence here means the multiverse is real. So there's an infinite number of realities where we're on the wrong side of the 4th Wall and there are people watching us right now or reading the words I'm speaking on a screen as part of a fanfiction right this moment and fuck you in particular, David, you made me fail that spelling quiz in kindergarten!" Joe suddenly shouted, before he faked clearing his throat. "Sorry, there was a David I really hated in grade school back when I was a meat-person, and the multiverse being real means that there's a non-zero chance he read or heard that and knows I still have a fucking grudge for that over two decades later. Also, that was a great way to defuse tension and distract you both from the more horrifying aspects of everything you've learned so far, right?" He gave a shit-eating grin, and I had a sudden realization.

"All those stupid unhinged things you've said were either hints to you being an actual Isekai Protagonist, or were to cope with your own existential dread, or to just troll the 4th Wall, aren't they?"

Joe kicked back his legs on the table. "Totally right on all three counts, Rebecca."

"So, you're some 30 year old human ghost in the shell in a drone, that saw us on an internet show in another reality, and then ended up in Andrew's dead body and decided that the story you were in sucked and wanted to make a happy ending for all of us?" Darren asked Joseph.

He blinked a few times, seemingly nonplused. "That's… actually pretty bang-on. A bit above 30 counting the time I've been here in Earth years, but I was just past 25 when I ended up here. I have… mostly perfect recall of my first life, but stuff closer and closer to the actual date I got Isekai'd, whenever it was, get increasingly hazy, muddled, and outright gone after a certain point. Very few memories prior to the 10th of May that year are like that, but the corruption increases sharply after that date. Some of those scrambled memories after that day did eventually come back, but I still can't recall any actual date after that. I know at least 2 and a half weeks went by past that day before I woke up on Copper 9, because I remember putting my garbage out on the curb for the sanitation department to pick up the next day 5 separate times after that, and I only did that twice a week. One of my later memories still intact, with most of the time around it just gone , was reading a couple posts for a Murder Drones fanfic, of all things, by AxisRogue on his YouTube community posts. Mitchell wanted to marry Tessa, and it was implied that we were gonna really hate the latter's parents for some reason. Goes to show I was a fucking nerd if my brain saw preserving memories of a fanfic as the most important, huh?"

Joe being a nerd in his first life totes checked out, to be honest. Still, my curiosity was piqued now. This was stuff only Joe knew, so now I wanted to know it! "Any other memories past that?" I asked him.

Joe raised an eyemote. "Not to sound rude, but why?"

I rolled my optics. "For more gossip, duh! Just cause I'm not gonna blab and it has no practical use doesn't mean I don't wanna know them. It's like, things to know, you know?

Uzi started laughing, and I gave her a side eye, but Darren said, "I like that about you," and it made me feel all bubbly inside.

Joe gave me a look , but then shrugged, and said, "There are memories of multiple posts for Integration, that same fanfic I was reading, around and after that. In fact, posts for it are ALL of my latest in-tact memories, but I have no dates for them, no real clue to the order they came in besides votes, though those really helped sorting most of them. Knowing Axis, Tessa's sperm and egg donors sold out to the Solver in some way, and were gonna try to kill Josephine and Frumpterbucket. Poor Katie, just wanting to keep her Benny safe. Terron had some way around the non-interactability, and was likely gonna figure out a 2.1.9 Patch, and the vote to save Frumpterbucket won despite Der Svictan wanting to not do it. But only nonsensical flashes after that. People trying to kill Josephine were about the only clear ones in those. She killed John… and I barely remember being pissed at her for that."

"Are you gonna explain what any of those names mean?" I asked him.

"Well, I'll explain the canon names and what they did in canon, but I'm not gonna waste time on the OCs. We got enough to worry about the canon timeline, and too much to talk about to go off on a tangent right now."

"So, like, full story?" I asked him.

"Right," Joe said. "I woke up in Andrew's body that first day. Not a pleasant experience, mind you. I'm glad to be a theoretically immortal robot with none of my old biological problems, but the initial sudden jump from the Frailty of Flesh to the Certainty of Steel was jarring . Felt like I was suffocating because I didn't have lungs to breathe with anymore, I couldn't properly blink like I used to, my sense of touch was off , I couldn't smell anymore, I had to get used to eating things my instincts were telling me were poison , and don't even get me started on shitting as a Drone!" Uzi put a hand on his shoulder, and he gave her a fragile smile. "Still not fun to recall those particular memories, you know?"

Thinking back, there were a couple times he seemed disturbed when eating, but still. "You seemed to adjust really well," I told him.

"I spent most of the first week before school started back up incoherently screaming with my external speaker muted as I tried to cope with the existential dread of my situation paired with crippling dysmorphia," Joe said.

"You still seemed to adjust really well, especially after the first couple weeks," Darren commented.

"That's when he got his first iteration of his overclock program running, and he started cheating at life ," Uzi snarked.

"Overclock?" I asked.

"Turning my software up to an 11," Joe said. "Lets me think at super fast speeds. First iterations were kinda crummy, but even those let me take a few seconds of relative time to think things out or hide my initial reactions to things in less than a second of real time. Nowadays, Uzi and I can think at light-speed, and take multiple minutes of relative time within a fraction of a second of real time, and we designed hardware overclocks for our combat frames. Enhanced thinking, bullet time, faster reflexes, increased strength, and then some, on demand, and we're capable of running it for over two hours nowadays before issues start happening. And we're still improving them as we go along."

I stared at him, jaw hanging. Darren's hand almost slipped out of my mind as he went slack too. "Holy shit, that is cheating at life," he breathed out.

"Fuck…" I muttered.

Uzi grinned. "You'll be getting those for yourselves now," she said.

"I'm gonna kit everyone the fuck out when they're in on things," Joe added.

"You're just gonna give us all your cool stuff?" I asked, kinda incredulous.

"I wanna trust you both," he told us. "There's a fine balance between a healthy amount of paranoia and too much , and once you're in on this, I want to be as transparent as I can be. I'm gonna work with Uzi to fabricate you both some combat frames to transfer to, give you all the toys, but I'm gonna want you to spend a couple weeks getting used to things and training with guns and whatnot over here at night. But then yes, if you want to, I'm happy to take you out with us when we fight Disassembly Drones."

"Disassembly Drones?" I asked, picking up on that particular name instantly .

"To paraphrase Joe," Uzi said with a roll of her eyemotes, "That's the 'politically correct term for Murder Drones,' apparently."

"Yeah, we're gonna be picking a lot of fights with them, but they're thralls to the Solver, who has admin privileges on them and has locked their memories, so they think they're working for the humans, but in reality are slaves to a sadistic Eldritch Horror that used them to kill the humans, destroy Earth, and start a tour of all the exoplanets to spread the genocide to everyone."

WHAT?!? I thought. "The humans are dead?"

"We're not sure," Uzi chimed in. "Earth is mostly inside a [NULL], which is a weaponized black hole that Solver Drones can use, and the Solver definitely killed billions if not trillions, but humanity had like a thousand years to get into space."

"My former species are stubborn fucking bastards. I very much doubt all of them are dead," Joe took over. "Endangered? Maybe. Organized resistance to the Solver? Possibly crushed. But extinct ? I'll believe it the same day I've scoured every last inch of the Milky Way and haven't found any of them."

"So, like, the Solver's been wiping out planets, and how does that relate to us? To Doll having it?" I asked.

"And what about Uzi having it but it isn't active yet?" Darren added.

"Well, humans are dumbasses," Joe said, "So they tried to make an antivirus for the Solver while deliberately infecting drones that they volun-told to work for them with the Solver to test said Patches on. Nori and Yeva were two of those test subjects. I'll run the full story in detail by you later, but the Solver can actually possess drones who don't have the 2.1.8, and it evidently doesn't pass down generations like the Solver itself can. Nori got possessed before she could be Patched, killed a load of people, but Yeva saved her, but then in the process of doing so they kinda accidentally caused the Core Collapse and killed all the humans. The Solver sent the Murder Drones, Nori 'died' but became a deadbeat looking for the last physical copy of the Patch in the Cabin Fever labs, but at her current rate of progress, will find it about 20 minutes to an hour too late to actually save anyone with it. Then V, one of the Disassembly Drones outside, broke into Outpost 3 and killed everyone's parents… and…" Joe trailed off.

"We're both gonna need you to promise to keep quiet on this," they said in sync. It was… actually kinda creepy, and I had a sudden realization that with overclocks they could and likely did do that on purpose.

"On what?" Darren asked.

"Promise first," Uzi demanded.

"Is it like, dangerous?" I asked.

"Doll could flip out if we mishandle the situation and people could die because of that," Joe said.

"My vocalizer is muted," Darren said without a second's hesitation.

"Doll's my friend. As long as whatever this is won't hurt her, I'll keep quiet," I told them.

Uzi winced. "So… you know how they let the survivors decide what to do with the… bodies?"

I froze up, and my memories flashed back to the aftermath of that day. When that thing tried to turn my parents into balloon animals and then got bored and partly ate them. I'd… I'd been out of my hab that day. I'd been on a playdate with Lizzy. I'd gotten back in the aftermath of the attack and found them like that . I snapped back to the present when I felt arms around me and lips on my own. "Mmmmmph!" I went, and Darren was kissing me.

He pulled back. "I got you, Becca," he said, gaze caring and warm-- and I lunged forwards and hugged him back.

"Thank you," I whispered. "You handsome, amazing, dummy , you…" I just hugged him tighter. Uzi and Joe waited for me to calm down, and when I did, I asked. "What does… what does them leaving our parents in our homes have to do with anything?"

"Doll saw her parents die…" Uzi said. "That was what activated her Solver. Apparently you need a near death experience, extreme emotional duress, or maybe a critical oil shortage to cause it to activate if you inherit it."

"So…" Joe looked like he was really uncomfortable saying this. "You know how Doll didn't have anyone in her hab besides Liz for years after that day?"

"Yeeeeaaaaaah," Darren trailed off.

Joe took in an unnecessary breath… and I realized that he probably did that so often because he was formerly a human. "She never got rid of the bodies." He said, blunt as an industrial press.

" WHAT?!? " I shrieked. "She's been living with her parent's corpses THIS ENTIRE TIME?!? AND YOU DID NOTHING ABOUT THAT?!?"

Joe raised a hand, and I had to reign in my anger, because he knew about that but didn't do anything about it! "And how should I have addressed that in a way that would avoid Dolly having a nervous breakdown and potentially tripping her Solver and killing people?" I suppressed the instinct to raise an eyemote at Joe using the nickname Lizzy used for Doll. He'd been using both of their nicknames for them more and more frequently for a while now. Liz's crush on him and Doll both was obvious , and I was reasonably sure Doll liked them both but was too burdened by her own trauma to see them as more than friends or even realize she was feeling romantic attraction. Joe… was weird , but that made sense now because he was formerly a human from the other side of the 4th Fucking Wall , which I was still sorta wrapping my processors around… But did he like them too? My gut said he might like Lizzy, but the jury was still out on Doll, though I was leaning towards a yes there, too. Something to keep in mind…

"That's a pretty good point," Darren remarked.

"Besides, we actually did finally address it a while back," Uzi said.

"Huh?" I blurted out.

"So, uh," Joe began, "To cut a long story short, without me in the timeline, Khan kept getting worse after the interview." My optics hollowed at the thought of that. "Honestly, I was more just venting because I was pissed at the dude that day, but I apparently did beat some sense into the guy, so at least Uzi never had to hear the 'How to deal with your disappointing failure of a child,' lecture."

"What the fuck ?" I asked.

Uzi winced. "Yeah… I'm happy with dad now… but holy fuck am I thankful Joe straightened him out. He told me in the canon timeline that I literally deleted the memories of my birthdays because of how much they sucked ."

"Are you okay, Uzi?" Darren and I both asked in tandem.

"I… unpacked all of this before now," she replied. "Joe helped me come to terms with what wasn't, but could have been."

"Yeah, canon sucks, which is why I'm mostly trying to derail it. Would prefer if over half my friends don't die, you know?"

"Who else?" Darren asked.

"Emily," Uzi said, and I shivered. That girl didn't deserve that at all .

"Sam, Riley, Braidon," Joe somberly listed off, "As mentioned, you two, and Kelsey, but also Penny--"

"Oh my robo-god!" Darren said.

"Cuz," Uzi said in a small, shaking voice.

My jaw dropped. "No," I whispered.

"I'm not gonna let any of you die," Joe said in a firm voice. "I promise I'll do everything I can to keep you all safe."

There were a few seconds of silence as I looked at the conviction in his gaze, a raw determination to spite fate itself, and then I gave a shaky laugh. "I think I believe you," I told him.

He gave me a small smile, but then said. "We're derailing again. To get back to my tangent before we get back to the more relevant parts of the story, Solver infected drones have bullshit levels of regeneration. We have reason to believe that it might be plausible to bring back Doll's mom. And… fuck whatever other benefits that could have," he spat out. "I want to give my friend her mother back."

"Like we covered, Nori should have survived her death as a Solver Core, which is housed in the upper torso. The shot I saw of Yeva post-mortem in canon made her upper torso seem intact, which led me to hypothesize that her core is undamaged and in a hibernation state due to the rapid and extreme oil loss caused by V mauling her. Mikhail is still super dead, but with enough oil, which I've been making down here and using to secretly bolster our stockpiles, we should be able to make an attempt to perform a bout of Mechromancy."

"Did you like, seriously just slap the word 'mech' in front of 'necromancy,' Joe?" I asked him.

"I think it's cool!" Darren said. I pouted at him. "What, Becca? It is !"

"Yes, he did," Uzi said, "Anyways, to get closer to being back on track, dad being better meant he looked into cuz's home situation, and realized that apparently Doll's folks never had a funeral."

"So we had to pretend to figure out the truth thanks to clues Khan dropped, and then scrambled to work with Dolly and Liz to hide her dead parents in my hab that same night ."

I stared at him dumbly for a moment, and then did a mental reboot. I double checked my memory files, but no, I heard that right . "You have her dead parents in your hab, now?"

"You have no idea how aggravated I am that Doll hasn't discovered Solver regeneration yet," Joe said. "Because I literally have everything on hand needed to try and bring her mom back from the dead , especially since I checked myself and Yeva's upper torso is still fine, but because it's only plausible since it didn't happen in canon, we don't know if it will actually work ."

"And we can't go behind cuz's back to try, because it's gonna look really bad if it doesn't ," Uzi finished.

"Holy fuck ," Darren said. "That's insane ."

"I'm fucking living it!" Joe threw his arms out as he shouted. "Literally! They're in my hab!!!"

"Fucking hell," I muttered. "We're gonna have to keep quiet about this, aren't we?"

"Yep," Joe said, popping the p.

"How do you think we feel?" Uzi groused. "I've been sitting on the knowledge that I could have tried to bring my aunt back from the dead for over a year now, and I can't try it because my cousin is a trauma-ridden mess with the power of Satan and Anime on her side."

I started giggling at what she just called the Solver, and Darren started to chuckle as well. A few seconds passed before we calmed back down.

"So," Joe said, "onto the Disassembly Drones." I got nervous again, clutching Darren's hand as an emotional support. "They're mostly thralls to the Solver in the sense that it wiped their memories of their first lives as servants to humanity before it turned them into genocide robots. They… might be clones of the originals, too? Cyn mentioned backups more than once, and I'll explain Cyn later. They think they're working for JCJenson, rather than the thing that killed them. Except one."

"The same one that killed everyone's parents," Uzi said.

"Technically, we're still not sure who fucked up Nori," Joe said, in a tone that hinted at this being far from the first time he's made this correction. Uzi rolled her eyemotes.

"Can you explain that?" I said, feeling all kinds of uncomfortable at this.

"Solver is a sadistic fucker," Joe said. "Its Primary Host saw one of the workers it later converted to Disassembly Drones as a 'big brother,' and really didn't like that another drone had a crush on him. So the Solver reset the guy, N's, memories such that he doesn't recall his first life at all, but forced the girl, V, to not just remember everything , but be on the same squad as the guy she loves, but he doesn't remember her , and it was implied that N got his memories reset again after planetfall, possibly as a direct consequence of V trying to get together with him."

"That's awful," I remarked, "But…"

"She coped with it by putting on the mask of a psychopath, because nothing mattered besides doing her job so that the Solver never has a reason to torture her more than it already is," Uzi said.

"I wanna shoot her," Darren said, with a steel in his voice that made me feel tingly in my circuits.

"And you are welcome to help us do that after we get you some proper combat frames and firearm training," Joe said. "We're gonna need DD parts for some of my plans concerning how to not get literally no-diffed by the Solver, and the ones outside happen to have such good regenerative capabilities that they're a fine source to repeatedly gain them from. Practical use, some good old fashioned revenge, and repeatedly beating the crap out of them will hammer it in that we actually have a chance to kill their boss so we can turn them."

" Turn them?" I asked, feeling nauseous at the thought of working with the bitch that killed my parents.

"You know how the whole 'like object non-interactive' thing applies to the Murder Drones?"

"Yeah?" Darren cautiously ventured.

"That doesn't apply to any of us besides Uzi and Doll," Joe explained. "The Solver would literally only need line of sight and a free hand to flatten us into a paste with a gesture."

I felt my oil run cold. "That's… like… really bad," I got out.

"Yeah," Uzi said. "I turn two of those weirdly hot robots in the canon timeline, so I'm planning to do that ag--"

"Did you just call them hot ?" I asked her, partly disgusted, but also weirdly intrigued because holy fuck that was gossip right there… and also they were kinda hot… Uzi's entire face lit up with neon purple hash marks. She clapped her hands over her mouth and sat back, lips moving but no sound coming out. I looked at Joe, "Oh my fucking robo-god, Uzi ends up dating one, doesn't she?!?" I asked him. "And she's the fucking main character too!"

"Yes, and yes," Joe said, "But also, she's planning to do better than her canon counterpart, in that respect."

" Joooooooooeeeeeeee! " Uzi screamed out, burying her face in her hands.

"Is she actually trying to bag the one that killed Becca's parents?!?" Darren blurted out.

" And the one who may or may not have fucked up her mom, at the same time ," Joe confirmed. "Buuuuuut I ship it, sooooo…" he shrugged like that was a perfectly fucking normal thing to say.

"That's kinda based, for both of you… Wait!" I said. "Anime logic dictates you bagged the dude who doesn't remember! You're trying to bag him and his ex?!?" I glared at her. "I'm fucking mad at you for that… but I still kinda begrudgingly respect the ambition…"

"We're still gonna fuck her up for all the parent murdering before Uzi tries to rizz the fuck out of both N and V, but please don't make fun of her for this, she really does feel guilty about it already," Joe clarified.

"She's still doing it," I spat out.

"We're gonna let you get some payback yourself. As long as you don't hit the core, you can shoot V as much as you want. I still wanna turn her, but believe me, I'm fucking pissed after everything she's done to all of you," Joe said. "Sad fact of the matter is that we're planning to fight a god, though, so we're gonna need every Disassembly Drone we can get on our side."

"I wanna look that bitch in the eyemotes as I shoot her," I said, glaring at Joe. "I want Emily, and Trevor, and Kelsey, and Doll, and even Penny to be able to make her suffer too," I demanded.

"Was planning it anyways," Joe said, meeting my gaze with a coldness to match my own. "I wanna help her, because I know she can be better, but I never said I was a hero. I'm here to get everyone through this mess alive. Anyone who says revenge isn't worth it is a fucking moron, shooting the fuck out of V and making her feel a little of what you all felt that day was beyond cathartic."

I looked at Darren. I got a DM ping.

DarrenToDream: Are we really agreeing to this?

TotesBestGirl: Do you think we have a choice?

DarrenToDream: Huh?

TotesBestGirl: They're dead set on this. We were supposed to DIE. They WANT us to live. They're STILL trying to save us. They're still our friends. They're STILL letting us get payback. And… they have good points, Darren…

DarrenToDream: What do YOU want, Rebecca?

TotesBestGirl: I wanna see that BITCH hurt for what she did. But I wanna be able to see the next decade with you, too. I don't… I don't wanna be whoever I would have been in that timeline that's not gonna happen anymore, who dies scared and without you. They're gonna let all of us pay… V… back for what she did. But… Joe's right. We're trying to kill a god. It's like gossip. We gotta be willing to exploit ANYTHING to stay on top. And he's been trying to help us this whole time.

DarrenToDream: True. He didn't HAVE to do any of this. He didn't HAVE to help any of us. But he still did. And he has a plan, that he seems to want to see through, that will get everyone through this alive.

TotesBestGirl: And… like, bringing back Doll's mom. If that's even POSSIBLE…

DarrenToDream: We do this together?

TotesBestGirl: As long as I'm with you.

DarrenToDream: I love you, Rebecca.

TotesBestGirl: I love you too, Darren.

Outside our messages, Joe was flicking his entrenching tool between its configurations while Uzi was using a fidget spinner. The former suddenly perked up. "Oh, you're done with the DM debate?"

"Those'll go way faster in real-time with overclocks," Uzi added.

I stood up. So did Darren. We were holding hands, but our free hands both stuck out as we stepped forwards. "As long as we can get some revenge on V ," I spat the name out, "We're in."

"Like fuck I'm letting an evil god kill us all without a fight," Darren added. "Sign me up!"

Uzi shook my hand. Joseph shook Darren's.

"Welcome aboard," Joe said with a grin. "I got two more things to tell you before we start with the long version of the story."

"Yeah?" I asked him.

I got an invite to a new chat room, and gave it a look. "Like, really? The Totally Not Paranoid Apocalypse Preparation Thread ?"

"Well, the Unhinged Maniacs Plotting Thread is only for unhinged maniacs, and I don't quite think you two reach the same level of insanity that Uzi and I do," Joe said.

"No, you two are totes fucking insane," I told them. Uzi bristled slightly, but Joe just proved my point as he started laughing.

Totally Not Paranoid Apocalypse Preparation Thread

Chat Start:

DarrenToDream: We platonically love you guys regardless, but yeah, you're totally unhinged maniacs.

TotesBestGirl: Yeah, Joe crossed the 4th Wall and his first thought was "How do I kill god?" and Uzi wants to bag TWO Murder Drones, one of which killed her cousin's parents.

Darkxwolf16: I'm mad.

Darkxwolf16: But you're not WRONG.

Darkxwolf16: Which makes me MORE mad.

Isekai_Protagonist: So was my Username really funny now that you get the joke?

DarrenToDream: You're INSANE Joe. Awesome for it, but insane.

TotesBestGirl: Kinda funny, but I agree with Dare. You're both nuts.

Isekai_Protagonist: LOL!

Isekai_Protagonist: [has shared a file]

Isekai_Protagonist: There's the software version of the overclock. We'll give you a separate version and a hardware version once we fabricate and transfer you to combat frames.

I started downloading the program. "So what's the second thing?"

"Your VA on the other side of the 4th Wall also voiced Kelsey," Uzi said.

My jaw dropped. "Yooooooo, you actually do sound similar!" Darren said.

Then Joe hit me with the double whammy. "The two of you also share a VA with V ."

"WHAT?!?" I screeched. What the FUCK is that bullshit?!? I thought.

"Sorry, Rebecca," Uzi said, "But hey, that also means your voice got used for MLP G4's Rarity and Applebloom."

I stopped being pissed at that, because gossip . "Oh, Kelsey's gonna flip when she learns that!" I said.

"Damn," Darren muttered.

"So!" Joe clapped his hands. "I smell a scene transition coming up--"

"We can't smell," Uzi snarked.

Joe continued unabated, "--so I'm gonna get some more antifreeze for everyone, and then we'll run through the long version of events, and then Uzi and I will outline a training plan over these next couple weeks to get you up to speed with us. In two months or less, leaning towards a lot less, you'll be dumping rounds into the vanguard of Robot Cthulhu Satan just like us!"

I rolled my optics as Joe went to get more bottles. This was fucking insane , but… Joe really seemed like a man with a plan. Like he was going to get us through this. Like he wanted to break fate itself to push for an ending where everyone could see it. And… he'd been working away at this for years already. Yeah, he manipulated us all, made us be people we wouldn't have been otherwise… but I looked to my side, felt my hand gripping Darren's, remembered the feeling of his lips on mine… and remembered that even if Joe was an evil Shipping Mastermind, he was still responsible for this. And I found I didn't mind that he did that. Because I was happy . With Darren. With my friends. Even with Joe. And if he did all this for us… I didn't mind following his lead to the brighter future he was fighting for.

_______

(Serial Designation J)

It was a bright morning outside, and I was just finishing some late day work on putting some numbers in for the quarter. I sighed as I finally sent it. Nothing quite like good paperwork for the Company to ease my nerves. I saved all my work, shut down my computer, sorted all my branded pens, set them all parallel to one another, and then winged up to a higher spot on the Corpse Spire to where I slept. The damn dissident toasters hadn't been seen for a while, though we'd spotted tracks in the city that indicated they were still slinking around. I wrapped my tail about a steel beam I'd looted and impaled to the ceiling in my quarters, I checked around to make sure no one was watching, and pulled out a big black bow to cling to. I don't know why , but when I'd found it in a store when I was hunting workers, I couldn't stand the thought of leaving it. It brought me comfort. Made me feel safe . Let me enter sleep mode more easily. And… I was off-shift, now, so it wasn't like the material comforts mattered towards the job anyways!

I snuggled up to the bow, wrapped my wings about myself, and got ready to enter sleep mode… peacefully drifting off, hoping for that good dream, with the branded pens, and that human technician, who told me she cared… her name was just out of reach--

A guitar and drums playing heavy metal at volumes entirely above city ordinances started blaring outside the spire and shocked me back to wakefulness. I heard N yelp and then a crash from where he was, and then V screaming, "WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING THAT?!?"

Feared your control and excessive greed!

Abuse of your power dis-graced me!

You want war, you got war!

More than you, bargained for!

A quick search of the Company's internal databases pegged the song as Powershifter by Fear Factory, a song from over a thousand years ago. I felt an eye-mote twitch.

I damn you and leave defiantly!

Cut you out and take it all with me!

You want war, you got war!

More than you, bargained for!

Oh that damn communist toaster. This had been what he was doing the past few days! "J!" V screamed. "I can't see the speakers outside! That defective toaster prick hid them behind something!"

Always question authority!

Control my own Destiny!

Forcing change, breaking free!

From the gears, of the machine!

I was pissed . This Scrapper had interrupted my sleep mode, to blare obnoxious music with lyrics targeted at insulting the Company, outside my Corpse Spire, and waited until a bright and sunny day so we couldn't do anything about this violation of sound ordinance! The audacity! The nerve! The gall! That no good, defective, sub-sophont, socialist menace !

Changing my world so I can live!

Ex-e-cution, powershift!

Changing my world so I can live!

Ex-e-cution, powershift!

Powershift! Powershift!

POWERSHIFTER!

"I don't care!" V screeched. "I'm shooting missiles outside!"

BREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!

There was a series of explosions outside, that drowned out the music for a moment, but didn't actually knock out any of the speakers.

I will forge a place in this time!

Con-ten-tion is sharply refined!

I will expose you and force your demise!

To take control of what is truly mine!

N suddenly fired a laser out the Spire, and the music got slightly quieter. "I got one!" he shouted. "I looked outside really carefully, and saw some snow getting disturbed by the soundwaves!"

Changing my world so I can live…

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

Changing my world so I can live…

Oooooooooooooooooooooooooo…

I blinked a few times, because I hadn't thought of that. I carefully hid the bow away, and then winged back down to the base of the Spire, where N was sitting with a proud smile on his face, tail wagging, and V had an eyemote twitching as she stared at him.

Always question authority!

Control my own Destiny!

Forcing change, breaking free!

From the gears, of the machine!

"...Good Job, N," I told him, honestly.

"Thanks, J!" He said, beaming , and I felt a twinge of guilt.

"V, check the other side of the Spire for any disturbances in the snow from soundwaves, I'll do it on a third side. We'll see if we can take out enough of these dissident propaganda devices to actually get to sleep," I told her.

V snapped a glare at me, but stalked off, complying with the order, muttering something I didn't quite catch past, "...lucky I have good distance vision, you…"

I leveled a glare at her back, but chose not to address it. We were technically off-shift, after all.

Changing my world so I can live!

Ex-e-cution, powershift!

Changing my world so I can live!

Ex-e-cution, powershift!

Powershift! Powershift!

POWERSHIFTER!

I spotted two, V found two, and N found another three . The music, while still audible, with a final refrain that felt ominously prophetic before it queued up to another song by the same band, was quiet enough that I could ignore it if I stuffed a few looted pillows over my audials. I… stopped to recommend to N and V both to do the same. N thanked me for it, and V looked at me like I'd grown a second head, and that hurt , but I shrugged it off as I used the black bow to tie the pillows around my head so I could get back to sleep. My thoughts drifted and became hazy as my systems entered low power mode, and the bow keeping the pillows on my head let me rest upside down like I preferred. It felt like ( Boss was still hugging me… like she was still watching me, even now. Thanks, Tesxx ) something I couldn't recall, but it brought me happiness as I finally drifted off.

________

Later that night, I was using a paint-brush attachment… that we had for some reason… on my hands to paint over yet another example of dissident propaganda, that same hammer and torch framed by a gear that that defective scrapper and his sniper were putting up everywhere. I stepped back as I cleared the last of that disgusting socialist agenda from this city block, and admired the clean white wa--

--I came back online a few minutes later, with some kind of automated message from some snarky technician at the Company telling me that I was an idiot who'd gotten killed, and with a splitting headache to boot. A quick system's diagnostic and an examination of the wall revealed that I'd had my cranium annihilated by a projectile travelling at Mach 8 similar to the rounds the sniper used during the previous encounter. But… none of my parts had been stolen. Had… had they just shot me and then left ?!? The nerve of those toasters! I seethed.

CRACK- BOOOOOOOM

The sound of the sound barrier being shattered by illegal, home-brewed weaponry, echoed out across the dead city, and I got an alert that V had been offlined.

My eyemote twitched. They… they were literally sniping us for sport ?!? I seethed. "You chat-bot descended, profit-sinking, communist toasters !" I screamed out to the city.

I launched into the sky, intent on reaching V and finding these terrorists to lay them off from existence , rapidly closing on the sound barrier myse--

--I woke up to another snarky automated message concerning my death, no other parts damaged or stolen besides my head being taken off a second time, and I wordlessly screamed to the heavens.

_______

(Serial Designation N)

I was flying about my section of the city on my routine patrol a nice clear night the day after J and V had been shot at a few times, and I'd just gotten another two workers earlier tonight, and J had told me that she was gonna give me a Company branded pen at the end of the week for sure! I was so excited! I didn't know what changed, but J had gotten a lot nicer all of the sudden, and even V actually remembered my name now! Nothing could get my mood dow--

YOU'RE DEAD

[IDIOT]

--I woke back up on the ground, a bevy of notifications on damage reports accompanying that downright mean message from my impact with the ground. I stumbled to my feet and shook my head. "Ow, that hurt," I muttered. "The heck hit me?" I wondered aloud.

I got a systems ping that V was coming for my location, and I perked up as I saw her closing--

CRACK- BOOOOOOOM

--a streak of light lanced out from the distance and took her head clean off. Oh , I thought, that's what hit me . And then the realization also hit me! "V!" I called out, launching up into the skies to try and track where that shot came from, looking in the direction I saw the sho--

YOU'RE DEAD

[IDIOT]

--and there was that rude message again as I woke back up with another pounding headache. ( Almost reminded me of that time I bumped into V back in thx Xxxxx ). I grimaced as I felt a spike of pain in my processors, and then shook it off as I focused on where that other shot gad come from. And it had come from a different direction… so I needed to tell J that the workers had a second sniper rifle, and that both of them could use it! I flared my wings to zip back to the Corpse Spire… and then thought about that. Open skies means they're more likely to shoot me , I thought. I should stay closer to the ground, use the buildings as cover. It'll take longer, but it's safer! Oh! I could tell J that too! Maybe she'll give me the pen today for that and the fact they have a second sniper! And maybe V will find it really impressive too!

I took off at a slower speed, keeping below the ruined skyline as I went to ping my squad leader.

C-9/SD-N: J! They have a second sniper! I got shot twice, and the second shot came from a REALLY different angle!

C9/SD-J: Are you sure?

C-9/SD-N: Positive, J!

C-9/SD-V: What are you two talking about?

C-9/SD-N: Oh V, you're okay!

C9/SD-J: N pointed out the extreme likelihood that the Scrapper that's been jumping us is in possession of a second long range anti-material weapon.

C-9/SD-V: So they have another sniper?

C9/SD-J: It's a long range anti-material weapon.

C-9/SD-V: Second sniper, got it.

C-9/SD-N: Also, I've been using the buildings as cover, and I haven't gotten shot again. It's longer to move around, but safer!

C-9/SD-V: Yeah, like that'll make a difference.

My train of thought got disrupted as I heard another CRACK- BOOOOOOOM in the distance.

C-9/SD-N: V?

C-9/SD-N: V are you okay?

C9/SD-J: She got downed by the long range anti-material weapon again.

C-9/SD-N: Huh?

C9/SD-J: SHE GOT SNIPED, N!!!

C-9/SD-N: Ooooooh! Sorry, J! I'll remember that!

I got the impression she was sighing on her end.

C9/SD-J: I'll stay below the skyline. Good call, N.

C-9/SD-N: Thanks J!

There were a few more seconds as I got closer to the Spire, and then I got pinged one more time.

C9/SD-J: When we get back to the Spire, I'll give you a branded pen.

C9/SD-J: You've… earned it.

I squealed with joy mid flight!

C-9/SD-N: You're the BEST, J!

C9/SD-J: But I want you do your BEST hunting tonight, got it?

C-9/SD-N: You got it, boss!

C9/SD-J: N?

C9/SD-N: Yeah, J?

C9/SD-J: Don't… call me "boss." It… doesn't FEEL right.

C9/SD-N: Sorry.

C9/SD-J: It's… not your fault.

C9/SD-N: Still sorry. And… you're also right… it FEELS wrong for me too.

C9/SD-J: Thanks… N…

C9/SD-V: I'M GONNA RIP THAT FUCKING SCRAPPER LIMB FROM LIMB!!!

I went to send a message on squad comms, only to get a direct message from J.

C9/SD-J: Maybe… hold off on messaging V for now.

C9/SD-J: She's… not in a good mood.

Huh. That made sense, actually. She probably had a nasty headache, after all. I'd be mad, too!

C9/SD-N: Got it! Thanks for always looking out for me, J!

C9/SD-J: Just do your best at your job, and I'll keep it up…

Despite all the annoyances tonight, I was still in a happy mood as I closed on the Spire-- Oh! Caught my tail just before I could sting my wing. Man, maybe this was my night!

_________