Episode 37

I didn't even realize i was smiling until my cheeks hurt.

I was perched on the couch with my knees tucked under me, just watching them.

Raphael sat cross-legged on the floor with Sebi between his legs.

They were playing some ridiculous, complicated board game Sebastian had picked out, with far too many plastic pieces and tiny cards.

Sebi was giggling uncontrollably.

Raphael was trying to look stern, reading the rules in this absurdly serious doctor voice that made Sebi howl even harder.

I felt something tug deep in my chest.

Something i hadn't let myself want in years.

This.

Us.

Family.

"You're staring again."

His voice snapped me out of it.

Raphael didn't even glance up from the instructions, but there was a crooked little smirk tugging at his lips.

I blinked, heat rushing to my cheeks.

"No I'm not," I muttered.

"Liar."

Sebi's eyes went wide.

"Mama said a bad word!"

"It's not a bad word," I protested immediately.

But Raphael put a hand over Sebi's ears dramatically.

"Shh. Don't listen to her. She's corrupting you already."

Sebi squealed with laughter and pulled away from him.

"Daddy!"

I couldn't help it i laughed, too.

And just like that, the air shifted.

Light.

Warm.

Like the sun finally breaking through a week of rain.

We decided to go out that afternoon.

It felt weird, piling into Raphael's car.

Like stepping into a memory.

But this time, Sebi was in the back seat, his feet kicking happily against the floor.

He chattered the whole way.

About the park he wanted to visit.

About the ice cream flavors he hoped they'd have.

About a bird he saw out the window.

Raphael drove with one hand on the wheel and the other resting lightly on my knee.

It wasn't even anything intentional or heated.

Just... there.

A small, quiet claim.

Every time his thumb brushed circles over my jeans, my chest got tight.

I'd missed this so much it almost hurt.

-

We parked near the big city park Sebi had picked.

I hesitated as i climbed out.

What if people stared?

What if someone recognized me?

But Raphael caught my fingers before i could close up again.

He laced our hands together firmly.

"Come on," he said.

It was the easiest thing in the world to follow him.

Sebi ran ahead on the path, shouting for us to hurry.

We took our time.

The path was shaded by old trees, leaves flickering gold in the afternoon sun.

I could feel Raphael watching me out of the corner of his eye.

"Stop it," I said without looking at him.

"Stop what?"

"Watching me like I'm about to run away again."

His hand tightened on mine.

I finally turned.

He didn't smile.

But his eyes were so unbearably soft i wanted to cry.

"You have no idea how long i've waited to see you here," he murmured.

I swallowed.

My voice cracked when i tried to answer.

"I'm not going anywhere."

He let out a breath like he'd been holding it for years.

"Good."

We caught up to Sebi at the little playground.

He had already made friends, naturally.

He was climbing like a monkey, calling for us to watch.

I settled onto a bench, my heart swelling with every laugh he let out.

Raphael sat next to me.

For a moment, we just watched in silence.

Then he slid his arm around my shoulders.

I stiffened automatically.

Old habits.

But then i let myself lean into him.

His nose brushed my hair.

"You're shaking," he whispered.

I blinked back tears.

"It's stupid," I said hoarsely.

He squeezed me closer.

"It's not."

I pressed my face into his shoulder.

"I thought i'd lost this. Lost him. Lost you."

He went still.

Then his hand slid up to cradle the back of my head.

"You tried to give me everything," he said against my hair.

"You gave up everything."

I let out a shuddering breath.

He kissed my temple, warm and solid.

"I'm sorry it took so long," I whispered.

He didn't say anything.

But he didn't let go.

We stayed there for hours.

Sebi refused to leave until Raphael bribed him with ice cream.

We walked to a nearby shop, Sebi in the middle holding both our hands.

He skipped between us, babbling in English, Tagalog, and Mandarin like it was nothing.

Raphael kept glancing down at him like he couldn't believe he was real.

I knew the feeling.

At the ice cream shop, Sebi insisted on ordering for us.

"I want chocolate," he announced solemnly to the teenager behind the counter.

"And Mommy wants strawberry and Daddy... Daddy likes coffee flavor."

Raphael blinked at him.

"You remember that?"

Sebi tilted his head.

"Of course."

Raphael swallowed.

I saw his throat bob, his eyes shining.

He cleared his throat gruffly.

"Well. Good choice."

We sat at a tiny metal table on the sidewalk, the sun low and orange.

Sebi had ice cream all over his face.

Raphael wiped it off with a napkin, frowning in mock sternness.

"You're a mess," he scolded.

Sebi giggled.

"Mama says the same thing!"

I laughed, my heart so full it ached.

I couldn't remember the last time I'd felt so light.

So... normal.

-

On the walk back to the car, Raphael let Sebi ride on his shoulders.

Sebi squealed with delight, waving at strangers like he was in a parade.

I walked behind them, watching them both.

This man.

This little boy.

My family.

Mine.

-

When we got home, Sebi was already falling asleep in Raphael's arms.

We tiptoed into my condo.

Raphael carried him to the bedroom and laid him gently on the bed.

We stood there in the doorway, watching him breathe.

"He's so big already," Raphael whispered.

I nodded, my eyes burning.

"He's so smart. So good."

"He's ours," Raphael said roughly.

I bit my lip, trying not to cry.

Raphael reached over and tangled our fingers together.

"You did so well with him," he said.

I shook my head hard.

"Don't."

"You did."

I pressed my face into his shoulder.

"I didn't want to do it alone."

"You're not alone anymore."

Later, when Sebi was snoring softly, we sat in the living room with the lights low.

I curled up on the couch, my knees under me.

Raphael sprawled on the floor, leaning back against it, his head resting by my knee.

My fingers found his hair automatically, carding through the dark strands.

He hummed in approval.

"It's late," I whispered.

"Mm."

"We should go to bed."

He cracked an eye open.

"Your bed or mine?"

I flicked his ear.

"Same bed," I said softly.

His smile faltered.

But his eyes went soft.

He twisted enough to press a kiss to my knee.

"Yeah," he said hoarsely.

"Same bed."

I didn't know what the next days would bring.

We had so much to figure out.

So many wounds to heal.

But for the first time in years, I felt like maybe just maybe we actually would.

Because tonight, we were together.

And tomorrow, we would still choose each other.

Again.

And again.

And again.