jealousy.....?

When I got to school, I saw none of my friends around. Did all of them not come?

I decided to walk alone to class, my luck working in my favour and giving me classes with no one I knew.

Finally, after the 4th period, I could go eat.

I grabbed my tray of food, walking to our usual table, relieved to see my usual group sitting there. Well except Zach and Matthew.

"Hey guys where wer-" the wind got knocked out of me when someone ran over and squeezed me into a hug.

"Ouch what the heck Zach?"

"Why did you not tell us something, we could have helped..." I looked down to find him crying.

"why has everyone been crying for the past 2 chapters?" I groaned, but hugged him back anyway.

"Hey! I didn't cry!" Cindy whined.

"I'm fine Zach, stop crying, you're gonna leave snot all over my t-shirt."

"You're supposed to be giving me handkerchief, not a gentleman are you? Where did I go wrong..." He sniffed making everyone on the table chuckle.

I leaned over to whisper something.

"That's Perry's job though, right?" I laughed seeing him turn red. Perry looked at us suspiciously.

He pushed me away muttering a "well atleast you're fine, so I don't care." And sat back down.

Cindy came over to hug me.

"I'm glad you're okay." Expecting a hug, I let my guard down.

I definitely underestimated her. Instead of a hug, she punched my arm a little too hard.

"That's for making Zach cry. And well making yourself cry too I guess." And I swear I heard a 'and maybe me too' right after.

"Aww you actually cried didn't you?"

She ignored my comment sitting back down to eat.

Even then, I was genuinely grateful for this little group of friends. I was kinda disappointed Matthew didn't join in for lunch still.

-------

"Liam cmon! Just come with me once." He pleaded.

"John I said n-"

"Ill pick you up after school, see ya~"

I sighed shoving the phone back into my pocket.

He really did come. After school, I told Zach i was going home with John, and got in the car.

"Cmon, you don't have to look like you hate it!"

"I actually do hate this. But get me ice cream, then I'll come along."

He chuckled nodding, driving to the mall. This guy loves shopping, and seeing as dad is kinda Rich, he probably isn't concerned about spending too much.

He got me ice cream, and then pulled me along with him to basically every place he saw clothes.

Idk about you, but this doesn't seem like a fair deal anymore huh?

"Okay that's enough, I'm hungry."

"Well I think I don't need more so let's get lunch." He smiled innocently, dragging me to an Italian restaurant.

That's when I noticed them. We were sitting on a table for 2, and right opposite to us was Matthew and a girl. Oh and Perry and a guy beside them.

Double date?

"Something wrong?"

"O-oh no nothing. " I smiled picking up the menu to look for something to eat. Don't think about him Liam, don't do it.

Wait, wasn't Perry interested in Zach? Why's he on a date then? I mean they aren't technically together, but Zach does like him back right? Definitely seems like it-

"Liam!" I looked up to see a laughing John giving his menu back to the waiter standing next to us.

"Sorry I blanked out...um I'll have whatever he's having." I smiled awkwardly, as the waiter gave us a knowing smile, walking away.

"It isn't that funny John, stop laughing." I said trying to not draw anymore attention.

Perry looked over recognising my voice as he choked on his water. My face burned red with embaressment, as I excused myself, and practically ran to the restroom.

Almost as soon as I came in, I heard someone walk in.

"Liam? Why are you here?"

"I came out with my brother for shopping. Well he dragged me but same thing I guess. What about you, why are you on a date? I swear Perry, if you hurt zach-"

"No I'm not interested in that guy. It's Matthew's dates brother, he came along when that girl found out I was gay. "

So it is his date. I brushed the thought away, trying to ignore the slight hurt I felt.

"You better not be lying. "

"I'm not! I'm genuinely like...Zach."

"Okay then. I'll go back before John gets suspicious. " I waved getting out.

As soon as he saw me, John started waving like a 2 year old.

"Liam! The foods here!" He shouted, loud enough for Matthew's table to hear. Crap. I smiled nervously, as Matthew looked back to see me. His eyes widened.

"Uh hi?" I said, earning a glare from his date, who pulled Matthew back, taking up all of his attention.

That little- Woah wait Liam what's wrong with you.

I walked back to John, smacking him for shouting and eating my pasta. He paid, looking at me with his puppy eyes. Oh no.

"You're done eating right? Can we go to one more shop? Just one."

I sighed in defeat as he jumped up, grabbing my hand a pulling me out of the restaurant. I just wanna go home at this point.

-------

We were in our way back, finally finished shopping.

"Honestly, I didn't expect to see so many gay bars here. "

"You're already hooking up again?" He froze.

"I'm not hooking up. I go to distract myself. Not really getting anywhere though." He smiled sadly.

"Let's go to a regular bar, I kinda want to find you someone who you actually deserves you. Not a hook up."

He looked up, shocked.

"You're suggesting a night out? You love me that much?"

"Shut up. I don't. " I smiled looking out the window.

"The bar it is." He chuckled.

Honestly, I haven't gotten drunk in a while because of how much I hate hangovers, but I'm in the mood today.

I ended up calling Perry too, since he told me he dropped off his 'date'.

--------

We sat in the decently crowded bar, with a good 30 private room for youknowwhat. We ordered our drinks, mindful of not loosing control. After a bit, I saw Perry walking.

Already a little tipsy, I got up to let him know where we were, but froze when I saw Matthew and his date come in behind him.

Why him? I wanted to not think about him....

Perry smiled when he saw me, pushing through the crowd and coming over.

"Hey lia-"

"Why did you bring Matthew?"

"I didn't exactly bring him, when I told him where I was going with you guys, he randomly decided he wanted to come here too."

I sighed sitting back up, inviting him to sit beside me.

"Oh hey, I'm John his boyfriend-"

I smacked him.

"His step brother." He chuckled.

"Hey, I'm Perry. Liam, you sure he's not your boyfriend?" He winked at me.

"Oh god this is gonna be a long night. " I groaned hearing them chuckle.

After a few more drinks, the fact that Perry and John didn't know each other didn't affect their conversations, and it felt like they were long lost friends meeting after a few years or something.

"Zach huh? He's a good guy. He's been over a few time so good luck bro."

"Honestly though, he's such a mom to Liam. It's honestly adorable. "

They became even more emersed in their conversation, while I slowly lost any hope to find someone for John.

I got up, deciding I was done drinking and started looking for the rest room. I can hold alcohol okay I think, like I don't think I would make awful decisions right now.

Or well so I thought.

I looked through all of the rooms that weren't locked.

I opened one of the last few, and almost gasped, when I saw Matthew and his date make out frantically against the wall, with most of their clothes scattered around the room.

What the fuck?

I quickly snapped out of it, closing the door before they could notice me. Now almost completely sober, I got out of the bar sitting on a bench behind, on a less crowded area.

Wait why did this affect me so much? Matthew was a famous guy, so obviously this was common for him. But why did it feel so awful?

The slight ache I felt at the mall worsened when the image of them making out flashed though mind again.

I knew it isn't right, yet I couldn't help but want to read her off him. But I knew I couldn't. Wait, don't tell me.

There's no way....

"Liam?"

"Yes mum." I looked up, holding her handing.

"I know I've already talked a lot about that b-but-" she coughed, making the most horrifying noise from her throat.

"Mom don't speak. Don't worry about it. " I tried to stay strong, but my mask slowly falling apart when I was reminded this was one of her last days with me.

"L-listen to me. I can't always be there, so p-please keep this in mind okay?"

I nodded hesitantly.

"Don't fall in love with someone just for their looks yeah? I made that mistake and ended up with your dad. So please, pay attention to how they treat you. "

"How do I know if I like them?"

"Well thats a hard question isn't it? It depends on different people, but you feel comfortable with them. You feel at ease, but flustered at the same time. There's an overwhelming feeling of happiness when you're able to spend them with them. There's so much more to liking someome, but if you like someone, them their shortcomings won't matter to you."

"And w-what if it's not a girl....."

"It doesn't matter baby. If you love someone, gender shouldn't matter." She said gently, moving her hand to my face.

"And never, cheat on them." A tear sliding down her face.

"It hurts beyond understanding." I reached over to wipe her tears off her swollen face.

Dad didn't deserve her at all.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be there to see your relationships. I hope you're able to find someone who truly loves you Liam. Don't settle for a relationship you're not happy in."

I heard the heart monitor go off as nurses rushed inside the room and I knew I could do absolutely nothing about it.

"I'm sorry for not being able to give you a normal family. I'll always love you baby.  Please be careful, don't hurt yourself and stay strong. P-pick good friends okay?" She coughed again, even more violent this time.

I panicked, gathering my thoughts and telling her everything I wanted so she wouldn't be worried. 

"I love you mum. You've been the best mum a person can have, Dont worry about me. You can finally rest peacefully ma, away from any of this. I'll see you again someday." I smiled and wiped away her tears one last time.

And eventually, her hand in mine turned cold, while I sat there trying to control my tears because I knew she didn't want to see me cry.

I recalled everything, me not noticing I was crying till I tasted the salt from my tears.

Would you look at that mum? I do like someone. It's a guy, but that's not even the problem.

I wiped off my tears from the back of my sleeve.

I don't want to like Matthew, he'll never like me back. It'll end up ruining the friendship we have.

Ma, I don't say this a lot because I know you'll feel bad, but I really wish you were here right now. I miss you.

----------------

why would you ever kiss me?

I'm not even half as pretty.....

You gave her your sweater

It's just polyester

But you like her better

I wish I were....