THE BIG REALIZATION

I sent Light a friend request on Facebook when I got home from college that day. It had been three days and no response from her. Everything was the usual in college we'd stare at each other the same, so I thought maybe she wasn't using it much, but I saw her friends increased that meant she was accepting but didn't accept mine?? What the hell was she doing to me. I was getting so obsessed with her day by day. I knew where she lived , where she was from, where she went to school. I knew where she spent her free periods, when she played basketball, when she was bunking the class. I knew when she came to college in the morning I'd wait by the entrance gate pretending to wait for my friend Talia, but actually to see her. To look at her when she walked all the way from the gate to the gallery. Such a fine sight. I still didn't think I was in love with her, I just liked her and wanted to see her too often. But actually it had gotten so bad that one day she was absent, I waited even after Talia arrived and she kept asking me why we were still here I told her that we should wait for another friend of ours Sarah, but Sarah had already arrived I hid when she was coming so I didn't have to leave with her. I kept waiting till the bell for the first period rang and knew she wasn't going to come, Talia took me by arm and made me go to class. How could i go to class like that. There was no Light, I literally didn't want to see anything else. She was the only reason I started taking the morning class. After the class ended, I ran to Talia's class and made her bunk the next one for me. We headed for the cafè, I needed tea my head hurt. And I just bursted into tears. Literally I started crying, well I was over emotional too because i was on my period. But the thought of not seeing her again for the rest of the day made me cry. I couldn't take it no more. I told Talia everything, even that I actually waited everyday for Light and not for her. She said she kinda had a suspicion, a sixth sense that I was I interested in that girl but she didn't knew it was so deep and so messed up now. She said to me '' It's ok, I understand being lesbian is not that bad'' and I looked at her horrified what was she saying. I wasn't a lesbian I just liked her as a friend. I wanted to be her friend. And then she said if i ever thought of kissing her. I said no I wouldn't kiss her, but I didn't mind either. She had nice lips. They looked soft like a petal and pink. And I suddenly just realized what I had said. And i burst into tears again. Talia kept saying it was ok, but it wasn't, it was unacceptable in our society. My parents what would they say. They'd be so ashamed of me. But it wasn't my fault. It wasn't a choice. It's not a choice. It's who I was, who I am. That explained alot, why I didn't want to do relationships. It wasn't because I was too precious and couldn't find someone worthy of my time. It was actually because I liked girls. And I was always crushing on girls celebrities. I loved Ruby rose. And all the gay celebs basically. How could I not acknowledge this fact. I went home that day, and cried for the rest of the day. I definitely knew Light wasn't a lesbian. I just had no clue what I would do about this situation. Talia said this could just be a phase. And I so hoped it was a phase. None of my friends knew about anything that happened between me and Talia, we were closer. I didn't know her any longer then the rest, but she was very understanding of me, we had alike personalities, opinions and thoughts. I always liked her better. Now she knew a secret of mine that I could never tell anyone, over my dead body is how anyone else would ever find out. I couldn't study no more, I was always either crying or thinking of Light near me, imagining her close to me. I went in depression. My mom took me to a psychiatrist . He asked me if something was bothering me, I said no I just wanted to die. He asked me loads of stuff wanting me to reveal something anything. But I wasnt that stupid. He told my mom they would have to admit me immediately. Because of my physical and mental health. I could kill my self . It was kind of true. Seeing my parents so sad and worried was even more heartbreaking. I was nothing but a disappointment. Made me want to just end everything once and for all. They admitted me to the hospital. I was given pills. They were good the less time I spent awake the better. But what was even better, Light was in all of my dreams, the minute I used to wake up I wanted to go back to sleep. I didn't want to eat nothing, just the pill thankyou. But unfortunately they reduced the dose. I was discharged after a week. I was feeling kind of better I realized I wasn't taking care of my health, and a few drips helped me get up without a head rush.