RAINBOWS AND CLOSETS

It was about 4 in the morning. I still had some time to sleep but I couldn't nor did I want to. So I got up, opened my closet and from under the clothes I retrieved the pack of hidden cigarettes,since mom and my sister went back to their rooms to sleep after making sure I was alright.I went downstairs in the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea and then went to the balcony.

The world looked so beautiful. My balcony had a view of the hills, and the beautiful restaurant on top of the hills. It's lights glowing felt like stars on earth. Even though It was peaceful and i was enjoying it.I loved solitude, just my own company to make me feel good, but I couldn't stop myself from imagining Light next to me with a cigarette pressed to her lips, I was so far gone in my fantasy I looked to my side where she would be standing I smiled at my imagination of a girl. Her hair loose hugging her back, she was wearing my t shirt, holding the cup of tea I made her with love and affection. Both of us just enjoying this breathtaking moment. Was this really so much to ask for?Maybe it was. But us one sided lovers, even a smile from our most desired ones makes us feel butterflies in our stomach. Was this still too much I thought? I had been asking for her in my prayers for a while now. All I did pray for was her. Her happiness, her long life, her good.I didn't wanted skinship or I didn't intend to even date her I just wanted to be near her and maybe just wanted to kiss her just once to taste how her lips felt like.I was all about her the moment I saw her. And suddenly I couldn't wait for 9 am. When I'd actually see her.

I went to college with the same excitement of seeing her. I reached college at about 8:30 in the morning. And I went to stand by the main gate pretending to wait for my friend Talia. It was 9 now. The bell rang for the first class. Neither Talia or Light came. Wow.

What the hell was I supposed to do now. In normal routine I'd see Light coming and soon after Talia would come, but my eyes never leaving the former. I knew Light would go to the cafeteria for coffee or tea, really according to her mood. I'd follow her with Talia by my side. I'd order whatever Light would order. Sit at the table across from hers. So we could make eye contact again and It would seem natural that she's sitting in front of me so we looked at each other once and not so obsessive of me. This was the second day I would have to spend without Light. And Talia didn't come today either. I was so dependent on Light's timetable, I forgot what I'm supposed to do on my own. What did I do before her. Wait I do still have a bunch of friends, and all these girls around me would be more then willing to spend some time with me. But I wasn't interested in any of them anymore.

I went to the admin office to grant me short leave to leave college and called my driver to pick me up because I was feeling sick. So ofcourse my parents didn't mind since their very over protective of me and health comes first.

Around noon I felt especially blue, what a waste of a day. Didn't even get a glance of her. She was very regular. I wondered why she didn't come today. She wasn't the social type to hashtag everything going in her life onto instagram or Facebook. Which btw I had now access to because I asked Talia to send her a request. Talia had fake names on Facebook and instagram because she didn't want anyone to know it was her, Light accepted her requests on both. Which by the way also meant she actually did ignore mine. But I forgave her when she had asked around for me when I was ill. I opened her instagram wall. Just 7 posts. She rarely posted anything. Her last post was 2 months ago. Sitting in her best friends lap, who didn't go to our college,laughing hysterically. They seemed really close. I knew she was her best friend since they were little. How? Well I made Talia follow her best friend too and she posted a long paragraph on Lights birthday revealing alot of stuff about her. That was ofcourse very important to me too. So I even knew her birthday was 11 September. Speaking of Talia I wondered why she bailed on me today. And I suddenly felt guilty. I had completely forgotten about my best friend. I gave her a call, she told me her mother was sick, so she had to stay at home. Something she said startled me "Funny I didn't think you'd notice I hadn't come today since you're just so busy drooling over that crush of yours" , I acted hurt and scolded her and she apologised and said she was happy she hadn't completely lost me. I felt even more guilty after I hung up because what she said was so true. I was completely cut off from everybody else. And probably the only reason I had Talia by my side was because she knew my dark secret. That I was as gay as the rainbow, hiding in the closet. I prayed the world wouldn't care to peek into my closet, because that rainbow was not very admired in our society.