The regret of being in love

Jos was already on her back with Arei's heavy weight pinning her down when logic replaced desire. She pressed against his chest, but instead of stopping him as she'd hoped she found her hand siding inside his partly buttoned shirt. "Arei…" She whispered between their eager, hungry kisses. He tasted like high-end tobacco with a hint of sweet whiskey. She moaned as his wide hand ran the length of her calf, gripping her behind the knee as he did. As much as she needed to stop him, she equally wanted this to continue on. "Arei…"

"Kitten…" He whispered against her lips.

{Is this ok?} Her mind fought for reason against the desire of her heart. Her hands made quick work of the remaining shirt buttons as she leaned into him more. Her hands had made it to his belt when he suddenly broke their kiss and pulled away. Her breath caught as she stared up at him. Whatever she'd expected to happen didn't, instead, he smiled lovingly down at her as he made short work of his belt and unfastened his tight jeans.

He'd barely managed to free himself before he was moving back over her. He slid his hand up her smooth thigh, pushing the hem of her short skirt up as he did. He swallowed her moans as he teased her through the thin lace material of her panties. "I need you, kitten." He whispered huskily against her lips.

Jos didn't answer him directly, instead, she tangled her fingers into his hair and tugged him closer. She let out a gasp when his fingers pressed past the lace and slid inside her. She arched into him. "Arei, please." She begged, needing him as much as he seemingly needed her. To her surprise he didn't take the time to remove her panties, instead, he held them out of the way as he pressed his hard tip against her entrance. The cold metal of the bar sent shivers through her. She braced herself as he pushed inside, stretching her to the max. The rough denim of his jeans rubbed against the inside of her thighs as he began to move, his usual gentle patience replaced by raw desire and need. Her own panties rubbed enticingly against her clit as he began to drive deeper inside her. She broke away from his devouring lips as her pleasure began to build. She hooked her heels into his thighs just below each of his firm butt cheeks. The sensation caused by the multiple bars running the length of his shaft was enough to make her toes curl. She shoved her hands into the open button-up shirt and dug her fingers into the bulging muscles of his ribcage.

Arei struggled to hold himself back. Every single moan and movement of her body beneath him only pushed him closer to his own breaking point. He tasted his own blood as he bit into his bottom lip willing himself to hold back just a little longer. He watched as her head tilted back and her body arched into his. His eyes locked on the hard peaks of her nipples through the loose tee she'd been wearing. He lowered his mouth to it and nipped the bud through the thin cotton.

Jos let out a screamed moan as his mouth worked her nipples through her shirt. Something about the haste of their lovemaking brought her orgasm on even faster. She tangled the fingers of one hand into his hair and slid her other under the neck of his shirt, digging her nails into his shoulder. She cried out her release, unable to hold back the sounds; but her enjoyment was cut short. Just as the waves of her orgasm were beginning to subside, he quickly pulled out of her body and sat away from her. She watched in confusion as he grabbed the tee shirt she'd gotten from his bag earlier and held it in front of himself then quickly stroked himself to completion. Jos's brows knitted as she righted her own clothes. She looked away as he wadded the shirt up and set it aside.

Arei frowned as he watched the passion fade from her expression and become quickly replaced by remorse. He reached out to her, but she quickly pushed his hand away. She turned away from him more, her eyes focused on the bare nightstand. "Arei… we need to talk…"

He nodded as he retrieved his cigarettes from his pocket not bothering to rebutton his jeans. "We do…" He agreed as he took one from the pack with his teeth. His glistening hazel eyes intensely focused on hers. "First… follow me to the balcony?"

Jos nodded as she wrapped her arms around herself, suddenly feeling exposed.

He pulled the cigarette from his mouth and tucked it behind his ear, then held his hand out to help her from the bed. Instead of leading her from the room he pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. He pressed his lips against her head. "Please don't say you regret what we did, already…"

Jos pressed her forehead against his bare chest as she shook her head no, hiding the truth that was written all over her face from him.

He placed a light kiss to her forehead. "I love you, kitten." He whispered against her hair before releasing his hold on everything but her hand as he led the way toward the balcony. He avoided making eye contact with her because he knew what he'd see there if he did. He swallowed down his own regrets as he pushed open the sliding door.

"I thought you were selling this place." Jos asked as her eyes moved over the familiar furnishings.

Arei shrugged as he removed the cigarette and lit it. "I was going to… but I just couldn't bring myself to do so…"

She frowned as she leaned against the balcony beside him. "When did you start back?"

He let out a low sigh as he put out the barely smoked cigarette. "After you left…" He caught her hand and led her over to the cozy, woven seat. He sat first before pulling her down on his lap. He lifted his hand and ran it through her sex-ruffled hair. "Remember what I said to you the first time we were out here?"

Jos nodded searching his eyes. "I do…"

"I realize there's still a lot we need to discuss… and it's obvious nothing has changed. I still hold firm to mydesires… as you seem to be yours…" His eyes pleaded with hers. "Just stay with me tonight, let me love you… let me be with you…" He caressed her cheek as he studied her. "I know you'll be leaving again… I can read it in your eyes…"

Jos frowned as she struggled to fight back her own tears. "Then why go through the trouble and heartache of another night together?"

He clutched her jaw pulling her face closer to his. "Because no matter what, I'll never let you go. I'll never stop loving you. As I told you that night, I learned long ago joy is fleeting and only found in the smallest of moments. You are my joy, Jos… my world… my everything…"

Tears burnt her eyes. "But you can't be bothered to even consider giving me the one thing I want? To even try… even with it being a long shot to start with?" Her tears flowed freely now. "Why?" She whispered. When he opened his mouth to speak, she pressed her hand against his lips stopping his words. "I've already read most of your journals. Tell me your real reasons why… your current reasons."

Arei frowned as he tightened his hold on her. "My reasons haven't changed either." His brows knitted. "Isn't it just as important that you consider my wishes on this matter?"

Jos snarled her lips fighting back the sobs that threatened to erupt from her chest. "I would if there was just reason!" When he didn't answer, instead, only stared back at her; she slammed her fists against his chest. "Don't just sit there staring! Give me a goddamn believable answer." Her angry, teary eyes pierced into his. "If you just don't want kids then at least have the balls to say as much! Don't give me more of your half-assed nonsense."

Arei grasped her wists pressing her hands into his chest. "I love you, isn't that enough for now?" His eyes searched hers. "We have just gotten back together. It's not even been a year yet. There has been so much going on, so much turmoil. Could you, in good conscience, truly want to bring a child into this world? You were nearly killed just a few weeks ago, our house nearly burnt to the ground before that... you're currently working to bring down the world's most wanted and deadly criminals with two of the world's most renowned monsters... Is this the life you want to give a child?"

Jos snarled her lips as she pulled her hands away from him, then shoved his chest hard. "Don't patronize me! You know as well I do, there is no 'good time' for children for you and there never will be." She stared him in the eyes as she said each syllable of each word slowly. "I've read your journals." She turned away from him and walked back to the balcony, staring over it while the cool breeze dried her tears as they fell. "You don't want a family... nothing to hold you down... right?"

Arei pushed himself up from the chair and walked over to her. He braced his arms on either side of her, gripping the railing tightly. "That was how I felt... before you." He whispered against the back of her head before placing a light kiss there.

Jos pushed her head to the side away from his lips as she turned in his arm. "And now?"

He released the railing and clasped her hand. He lifted her hand and placed a kiss to the finger where her engagement ring usually sat. "I asked you to marry me, didn't I? I never said I didn't want a family. All I've ever said is that I can not, will not sire a child. I'll not have a child of mine used and hurt the way all the children of the gods are."

Jos arched a brow. "Then adoption?"

He nodded. "Yes... possibly... down the road."

Her expression fell into a frown as she pulled her hand from him and stepped away again. "Down the road... so, what you're saying is you're not even sure you want that either..."

He caught her hand and spun her to face him. "Jos, I'm trying to work around what we both want here. You have to meet me halfway."

Her eyes narrowed. "Halfway?" She glared up at him remembering her earlier conversation with Hypnos. "Fine... you don't want to sire a child, but you claim to be incapable of living without me..." She didn't wait for him to process her words before continuing. "Would you still want me if I were to carry someone else's child?"

He tightened his hold on her hand, his eyes pleading with hers. "You're being unreasonable right now. Why don't we go back inside and talk about this reasonably."

Jos shook her head. "There is no reason to be had here..." Tears burned her eyes. "I've spent my entire life looking out at all the other happy families... wishing, praying that one day I too would have that." She shook her head more forcefully as she pushed him away again. "But that doesn't matter to you... it will never matter to you..."

When she went to pull open the balcony doors, Arei pressed his palm against it stopping her. "It matters, your happiness matters... but you have to realize there are some things I'll never be able to promise you... things I may never be able to give you... not for my own selfish reasons... but for reasons too painful to burden you with."

Jos stared at their reflection in the glass. "Your words are only lovely ways of masking lies and half-truths..." She met his eyes in the glass. "We've been here before, Arei... You'll either tell me your truths or I'll leave now and you'll never see me again... for a second time."

His brows knitted as his hand fell away from the door. "Do you care so little for me that you could so easily walk out of my life again?"

She shook her head as tears flooded her eyes. "No... but I've learned to love myself more... and value my own worth..." A chastizing grin curved her lips as she turned back to face him. "Ironically enough, something you have taught me..."

He didn't reply immediately, instead, he backed away from her. "Then you've made your decision on the matter..."

She nodded more tears streaming down her face. She tugged a necklace from around her neck and unfastened it. Their eyes both stayed glued to the ring dangling from the chan as she held it out to him.

Arei pushed her hand and the ring away. "Keep it... I don't feel like fishing it out of another spring when you change your mind again..." He turned away from her pulling the pack of cigarettes from his back pocket and bringing it to his lips.

Jos frowned as she squeezed the chain in her hand. "What makes you think I'll change my mind again?"

"Because you love me and I love you... We are soulmates..." He answered around the cigarette between his lips as he lit it. After a few puffs to stoak the cherry, he added. "It's that simple."

"Love doesn't hurt each other like this..."

"Love is pain..." He answered back, not turning when he heard her surprised gasp or the sliding of the balcony door... or the slamming of the front door of his apartment. A few minutes later he watched as she ran across the parking lot toward a familiar car. He shook his head as his own tears began to fall. "Hate me, love... You'll recover from the pain of a broken heart in time... And it will always be easier for me to deal with than anything that could risk your life or bring you a grief you'd never be able to recover from..."