Chapter 10 : Conscience and doubts

I figure out that sleep is not and never will be an option for me , so I get up and make my way downstairs. The place is empty and silent , as expected at this hour . I go the balcony and lean against the railing , taking in the view in front of me . " Do you ever sleep , Chris?" the mechanical voice shatters the silence , " You really know how to ruin the peace huh ?" I scowl at the Artificial Intelligence as I roll my eyes. " Why are you even asking anyways ? You're just an Artificial Intelligence ." I ask . " Even machines get curious sometimes , especially A.I.s like me ." Jarvis replies .

" Don't bother me unless I call you or when the others are awake , yeah?" I utter.

" Okay " replies the machine.

Then everything goes silent .

I proceed to go on a run around the compound and into the training room to shadow train . I lost track of time until Steve and Tony burst into the room , laughing and make me realize what time it is . " I thought you're sleeping in for once since we didn't see you at breakfast." Tony chuckles . " That isn't me if I actually do ." I reply , eyeing them both . " Carol was asking for you . She and Romanoff will probably look for you at your room ." he adds , " Figures" I reply as I look down . Tony pushes Steve to a corner , " I'll spar you later, Rogers." he says as he takes me by the arm and towards another corner . " What is it , Sir?" I ask , raising an eyebrow . " Are you okay ? You look ... distracted." he asks with a look of concern plastered on his mug .

" Of course , I am fine . What makes you think I am not ?" I ask , looking at him in the eye .

" You just look distracted and distant , that's all." He says , looking .

" Am I ? Isn't that how I look on a daily basis ?" I query, shrugging .

" That's the point ." he snaps his fingers .

I think for a moment , " I'm fine , I don't need some therapy session or something like it . " I sigh , " Rest assured , Sir . If I'm a threat to you , I will be willing to be exterminated on the spot ."

He chuckles , " No need to be that bold , man , also , cut the formality .". He then turns around and jogs to where Steve is , yelling " Here I come , old man !" . I decide to take a small break , I slump onto the ground and watch the spar between them go down , observing and analyzing their every moves .

"There you are, we are wondering where you went ." A chirpy voice echoes through the hall . " Sam . " I greet him without looking up . "We all thought you bailed on us or something ." Maria chuckles as she and Natasha sit next to me . " Who knows , maybe I will." I reply , not taking my eyes off the duo in the ring . " Mesmerized , eh ?" Bucky chuckles , " They don't normally do this but I think they're doing it to impress a certain someone . " he nudges me . " They're doing a pretty bad job at it , to be honest ." I scoff . I can feel everyone's gaze on me , " They may be coordinated but they have a lot of flaws and openings , it's just that the both of them are stupid enough and are viscously blinded by their ego to see it." I sigh .

" Fighting requires more than stamina , strength , durability and speed . " I add , watching them both collapse onto the ground , out of breath . " Impressed, buddy ?" Tony puts up a thumbs up sign with his trembling hand. " You guys did a pretty bad job , to be honest , makes me wonder how y'all kept it in with the Council till now ." I tilt my head to the side . " Cap, I thought the serum is supposed to enhance your durability , you're supposed to be standing . " I glance at the super soldier at the other side of the ring , " Stark here doesn't have a suit nor a serum so him being fatigued is normal , but you , a super soldier , now heaving and out of breath?" I add , looking at him with disbelief . " A scumbag immortal like you sure can say stuff like this huh." he scowls .

"Correction , partially immortal , I'm the same as you here . Remember the rules the Almighty implemented on me ." I shake my head . " By that , I have the right to say what I said ." . " How are you recovering ?" Yelena asks , " I'm basically okay . " I reply , to which she lightly smiles. " Is there any mission , Sir?" I ask the billionaire on the floor who is taking in deep breaths of oxygen. " Take shallow breaths , Sir , you've taken deep ones for too long , give your body time to recover , don't hasten it ." I sigh as I turn around . " You do care ." Carol laughs , " No , Danvers , I'm just making sure he won't drag the team down whenever there's a fight without his suit ." I scoff .

" There is , if I'm not mistaken ,let me contact Fury ." he gets up and summons Jarvis , " Call Fury over in 30 minutes , Jarvis " he says as he gets off the ring . " What's wrong ?" Natasha asks as she grips onto my arm , I stare blankly off into the distance , my mind drifting around every thoughts. I hum at her when she shakes me off my mind , " What is it ?" she asks , her face creasing into a frown . " Nothing . Just zoned out ." I calmly answer her , she cautiously nods her head and smiles .

As we all pile into the meeting room , Fury looks annoyed . " Just what do you call me in for ? I was enjoying my time at the spa ." he glares at Tony as he sits down . " You said there's a mission , right ?" Tony rolls his eyes as he asks . " Why yes , there was , the lad was apprehended a few days before , thanks for asking . " he snorts . " He works for them , am I correct ?" I ask , locking my eyes with his one and only line of vision . " How did you know?" he questions in awe , " I know everything , Director Fury ." I utter , " He's dead now , yes?" I add, to which everyone look at me . " Wait a minute , they don't even know about this , how do you-" . " Sir, they are not as alert and perked as I am , what makes you think they would know ?" I cut him off , my eyes locked onto him.

Laughing , he hits Tony on the back , " I like this guy already .", to which he replies " I know , we all do . " while nudging Nick in the abdomen . " Yes , he's dead due to -"

" He killed himself . Typical act for an average agent ." I scoff , cutting him off again ." This makes me think we're going to be good buddies , Chris ." he smirks at me , " I doubt it ." I reply as I look down .

As the meeting comes to an end , everyone get up and leave , " Sir Tony and Fury ? May I speak to you both , privately ?" I ask and look towards the others and I know what they're thinking . " I'm not going to kill them , if I do , y'all will hunt me down like bloodhounds and that is a pain ." I sigh . As the door locks and the windows blur themselves , I turn to them and ask , " Have you ever sent people out on patrol ?" .

Tony looks shocked , " No , why?"

"Send me on it , only me and no one else ." I blurt out my request , " I have a weird feeling ever since that Drekson incident . " I sigh . " And y'all have a loose security system ." I add on .

My request is somehow granted and I go up to my room to get ready for my first patrol . We have agreed to keep it on the down low so that no one will know . I walk out with a leather jacket and past the others when Natasha stops me at my tracks . " What are you up to ?" she asks while looking at me from head to toe . " Just out." I answer , looking at her , " What do you want ? Maybe I can get it for you when I get back ." I ask . " And when will that be ?" she queries with a slight smirk . "No clue , but I'll be back nonetheless ." I answer .

I slowly back away and continue on my way to where I am supposed to be . " Leaving so soon ?" Tony jogs over , " Yeah , I don't feel like eating anyways ." I mutter . " Well , take care ." he smiles and gives me a slight push , to which I reply " Okay. " and head towards the highest point in the city . The point where I can see every nook and cranny , basically a bird's eye view without any obstacle .

"You hear me , bud ?" Tony's voice rings through the earpiece , " Loud and clear , Sir ." I reply , still watching the view before me . " Who're you talking to, Stark?" Natasha's voice is loud and clear , " Uh , new recruits for a plan Chris came up ?" he answers , " Oh bullocks ." my mind hisses as I carefully move around , not wanting to make a sound . " Oh , is that why he went out ?" she asks , sounding surprised that I even mentioned such a thing . " Nah , he just went out for a walk or tour . " he answers. " Okay." she says and walks off , something about her tone tells me she doesn't believe him . " Thank God , she buys it ." he wheezes as I hear him shuffling about . " She doesn't buy excuses like this easily , Sir , I can tell she's having second thoughts about it ." I say as I turn around . " You know her well." he chuckles .

" We've trained together , so basically , I do ." I softly say as my eyes catch sight of an individual . " I'll talk to you later , Sir." I say as I jump off the high point and landed with a light thud on the ground . I follow the person to a corner until he stops to talk to a certain someone that I instantly know the moment I hear him . It is George Valsh , one of the higher ups of the Right Arm , one of the organizations that distribute firearms and manpower to the Council.

" What're your wagers? " George puffs his cigar as he lean against the wall .

"We're going to wreak havoc to the shield agents. We're going to pick off the big ones , one by one ." the man sniggers in delight .

"Alright then , what am I going to profit from this ?" George asks , his tone indicates that he is interested .

" You have 67% of the profit , how about that?" the man chuckles , his feet shuffling about .

"You have yourselves a deal .The items have been delivered to your HQ . Lookin' forward doing some more business with you ." George laughs nonchalantly .

"What about the new agent they recruited ?"

My heart skipped a beat once I hear this .

" He's a prized possession of the Council , capture him will put us in their favor . They want him alive , not dead . " George grunts , " We all want that , right ?"

"Hell yes!" the man claps .

" How about this , we wreck them , but our main goal is to get that man , deal? " George asks , sounding eager than ever .

"Alright , deal , main target is the prize ."

They both part ways and I waltz around for a bit before heading back . " Sir Tony?" I utter into the earpiece as I activate it . " Thank God , I thought something happened ." he sighs with relief . " Can I speak with you once I get back ? It's kind of urgent ." I say as I look around . " Sure . " he replies .

" Great , now I need to call up Natasha to see if she wants anything to cover this up ." I say as I whip out my phone and dial Natasha's number .

" Эй, you need anything ? I'm heading back ."

" Ice cream , please ."

"What flavor ?"

"Vanilla ."

"Alright ."

I hang up the phone , walk to a nearby convenience store and pick one of the seemingly best vanilla flavored ice cream . "She has a sweet tooth for an assassin ." I mumble to myself as I pay for it and head back .

"Here , vanilla flavored." I hand her the bag as I walk into the common room . " Thanks ." she softly says as she hands me a spoonful , " Want some ?" . " No , thank you." I shake my head as I back away . Tony emerges from the corner , his mouth stuffed with what looks like puffs . He motions for me to join him to a corner . I go to him and we both look around to see if there is anybody here with us .

"So , what is so urgent ?"

"Shield will be attacked soon . I don't know when but just prepare yourselves ."

He nods and asks " What about you ?"

"Nah , they're keen of crushing you all at the moment ." is the lie I swiftly come up with .

He walks off and starts calling Nick as I walk back towards the common room , Natasha and Yelena are there , watching the shows that they chose out of a whim or so it seems . I join them , trying to keep what I heard out of my mind ." So , what does Stark wants with you ?" Natasha asks , her eyes glued to the google box in front of us . " Nothing , just asked if my walk just now was okay." I answer , my eyes darting around . " That was one long walk , you sure you're okay?" Yelena stretches as she turns to look at me . I am looking around , being more anxious than ever , which bugs them out . " Hey , look at me ." Natasha cups my face and her warm gaze meets mine which is cold and hard . " What's wrong ?" her voice jolts me back to my senses .

" Nothing , just , being careful ." I answer , she looks at me straight through .

"You sure?" she asks once more .

"Yes . "

" You have to relax , don't stress yourself out ." she softly implies as she plays with my hair .

I let out a sigh and turn away from her , close my eyes and try to calm my nerves . That do not work out quite well and soon , I am finding myself playing with my fingers , the feeling of anxiety gripping onto me . My head is filling up with all sorts of possibilities and thoughts and I can feel my chest getting tighter and my breathing becomes more shallow . I stand up , which startled the sisters , then I form a fist and slam it onto my face . I repeat this for at least 5 times until I calm down , I slump back to the couch , panting . " What the hell are you doing ?" Natasha yells at me as I wipe the blood off my nose , " Just making myself focus ." I mumble as I shake my head .

"That's a bad way to do it ." she utter , her voice shaking .

" That was taught to me , it's effective , in my case ." I look at her , raising an eyebrow .

She sits me down on the sofa , with a tad bit of aggression . I can tell she is worried and upset , " I'm fine , don't worry ." I assure her as I look up at her . With a sigh , she takes a portable small couch and plants herself right in front of me . " Okay?" I confusedly say as I lean back , my eyes fixated on her . " Alright , I'm sorry , okay? " I frown as I utter the words in annoyance . " God , I don't need you babysitting me , Natasha . In other cases , it's vice versa . " I add on , rolling my eyes .

" Are you afraid ?" she asks , Yelena is scooting over .

" Thought you'll never ask ." Yelena grunts .

" Afraid of what?" I place a hand on the nape of my neck , I do not seem to understand nor care what they are on about .

"About people caring for you ." I can feel my heart skip a beat at that statement .

"Bold of you to assume that I am . " I calmly say as I look at them both . " I'm just unused to it and don't intend for such affection . " I add , " Caring and being cared for are only for those who are weak and have a bright hope in life and do not see the cold , harsh truth . " . They both look at me , surprised that I even come up with such a thing .

" You both have gotten soft , but it's not your fault , since you spent very little time there compared to me . You still have conscience ." I look down . I feel someone wrapping their arms around my shoulders and look up . " You still have that conscience in you , we know it . " Yelena assures me with a broad smile . I nod my head slowly , they both are still looking at me , their eyes filled with concern .

"Alright . It's getting late . You two should head to bed ." I sigh as I get up , they both do the same thing and we head back to our respective rooms . I plop onto the edge of the bed , my legs dangling over the edge . " I still have it huh ." I mumble to myself as I look at the ceiling , not sure whether that statement is still valid . The first few moments there , or so I remember , it felt like there are shards or fragments of consciousness within myself and there is no confirmation which one of it is the actual me . As time passed , the feeling started fading away , leaving me hollow and become who I am now . I doubt that bit of conscience is still there , buried deep within me . I do not know how do they still think that I am a good person after all that I have done but one thing I know for certain , and that is , they are all good people , they are the complete opposite of the Council . Their clash with them is not about territory , wealth , power or fame , it is just about righting what is wrong . I may be the one blunder they made , it may have been a mistake for them to trust me .