Chapter Fifteen

| Step Back |

♥

Memories are one of the things I treasure most. No matter how big or small it is, I keep it, because memory is still a memory and every memory must be treasured. For me, memories are tiny fragments that make up my wholeness, making me complete, filling my soul. It makes me me, because without them, I would have nothing to depend myself to. My principles and my ugly memories that made up my humanness would be gone.

I never want to forget my memories, but how can that be possible if a human brain couldn't contain piling memories up and up?

Being with Sean, memories are overloading. There are a lot of new feelings and experiences I've gone through with him. It's tough to choose what memory to keep and what to flick away, so that's why I write down things I know I want to remember someday.

That day... based on my diary entry, I know something had changed.

As I've said, I wasn't at all familiar with love, crushes and alike, but since that day, I was sure.

Something changed in the way my heart beats – when thinking about Sean. I used to think about him all the time, but since that afternoon I didn't just think of him – thoughts of him are accompanied by a warm smile. Sometimes staring into space is not as empty as before, because his smiles and the memory of the warmth of his hand lingers. Washing dishes is not a boring task because I create daydreams about him. Sometimes I remember how he sang in the stage, and I will smile like a lunatic.

I don't know. Perhaps that's what people call love.

I've been quite frantic, because I've never loved a boy before. I was worried if it's okay. It's been just a couple of months since I've met him – what if my heart fell too fast?

But really... no one, even time, can blame my heart for falling, if it's Sean it had fallen for.

Pumasok ako that Monday with a smile on my face. I remember seeing a note from Sean and smiling up to my ears, reading his famous one-word note. I wish I can reply, but I didn't know where his locker was.

Walking towards the room that day, a lot of eyes are drilling against me, as if searching for the color of my soul. I expected it, but it was still rough. I tried not to look at them because I'm afraid my real emotions (such as embarrassment and uneasiness) will show through my eyes, so throughout the day I was just looking at my feet. None of my schoolmates spoke through their lips but they did through their eyes. None talked with me about it except for this girl who had approached me, named Steph.

Steph is that type of person who finds friends everywhere. A social butterfly. A girl, although not as beautiful as a muse, but very kind and cheerful that made people love her.

To be honest, I didn't like her. Not that she was mean to me or anything – she's nice, actually, but I was socially anxious, and imagining to have a friend like Steph who has friends almost like everywhere is a nightmare.

"Uy!" she said to me that day.

She was smiling brightly, like every other girl does in the school.

I felt unease crashing over me, then in my head I'm planning an escape.

I gulped, and looked at her happy, black eyes. I quickly looked away when I knew I wouldn't be able to return her enthusiasm. "H-Hey."

Her face softened then her palm landed on my shoulder... that stiffened me.

"Ay's ka lang ba?" she asked. "Kumalat talaga sa buong school 'yung..."

"Yes. Yes, okay ako," I replied hurriedly. I gulped and composed myself, realizing she was concerned. I put on a smile. "Thank... uh... thank you."

She just smiled back. "Alam mo, lagi kitang nakikita. Mag-isa lagi. Saka..." She leaned over me, then whispered, "Nakita ko kayo ni Sean no'ng weekend."

I almost exploded like a bomb, my face heating. "W-What –?!"

"Uh-huh!" She laughed as she taps my shoulder. Steph winked at me. "Ano? Ga'no na kayo katagal?"

"H-Ha?" sabi ko. "What do you..." I shook my head. "Hindi naman kami!"

"Sus!"

"Seriously!"

"Well, e, bakit may pa-dedicate ng song?"

My mouth hang open in surprise. "Steph... just how much of that day have you seen?"

"Ha? Teka, nosebleed."

I glared.

Steph laughed. "I'm surprised kilala mo 'ko!"

I blushed. "You didn't answer my question."

"Hindi lahat ng tanong nasasagot." She winked, tapped my shoulder and ran past me. "Let's go home together. Treat kita!"

Confused, I just nodded and made a little smile (which apparently became a grimace because I wasn't used at smiling) and headed to my room.

At lunch, I saw Sean. He was at the corner of the quadrangle, sitting on the bench with his usual guitar. He looked, as always, so ruggedly handsome, and he seemed to be wrapped up in a gloomy wind.

I felt nervous, remembering the date we had that weekend. I was about to turn away and walk when he called my name. I turned around, and Sean's once gloomy ambiance was replaced with a happy one.

I smiled. "Uh... hey."

"Wala kang kasabay?" he asked, putting down his guitar.

I walked towards the bench and sat on it, too, disregarding my heart skyrocketing. "Never naman ako nagka-kasabay," I said honestly.

"Wanna eat with me?" he asks and wiggled his eyebrows.

I just noticed he had his lunch box with him. I laughed.

"Wow," I said. "You bring lunches?"

He smirked and winked. "My sis makes for me. She said real men aren't afraid to show up their own hunger."

I laughed and nodded, considering that statement cute. "You have a sis?" I didn't know he had one.

He shrugged, opening his lunch box. "None," he said. "We're not really relatives. So technically she isn't my sis, but I treat her as one so... gano'n na rin."

I smiled, watching him organizing his utensils. The smell of his lunch made my stomach growl, and he laughed, hysterically, upon hearing it.

"Here," he said, pushing the lunch box towards me. "Mas kailangan mo yata."

"W-What?" I said, my cheeks warming. "No! I'm fine. Bibili nalang ako."

He shrugged. "Edi hati tayo."

I sighed. "I'm fine – besides, iyo 'yan. Why would I –"

"Have you forgotten what I told you?"

I frowned. "What?"

"I like you."

"Wha –" suddenly, words didn't form in my lips because of his sudden and shocking short response. My lips opened, then closed, unsure what to say. My cheeks went warmer.

He smirked, seeing my ridiculous face, and his hand reached my cheek and pinched it.

"I swear, you make the cutest damn face."

To hide my embarrassment, I rolled my eyes and stood up, but his hand stopped me from doing so.

I didn't know what kind of spell he had casted upon me, but sometimes his raw, simple sentences are enough to make my whole system go insane. I like it – sometimes – but most of the time it makes me go thinking and I end up love-drained. I just don't know he manages to play everything cool while I am always left with warm cheeks, swirling thoughts and extremely fast heartbeat.

That lunch, we shared on his lunch box (I think I was the one who ate most of it) and we chat, we laugh, I blush, he smirks.

"Isshou ni kaerou," he suddenly says.

I frowned, thinking, for a little, he was ridiculous. "What?"

"Let's go home together."

"Ano'ng language 'yan?" I asked. "Korean?"

"Nope," he said, popping the p. "Japanese."

"You learn other languages?" I asked. His long hands rested on the bench, making his bare arm touch my back. I stood straight because his skin is bringing me tingles in my tummy.

I noticed there are few other students who notice us, drop us stares, and it made me uncomfortable.

He just smirked. "I'm planning to learn yours."

"We have the same langua–"

"I mean the Mau language."

I scoffed. "Mau language?" I said.

"Gulo mo kasi," he said and scratched his left brow. "I don't get your facial expressions. The meanings behind your smiles and your sighs, the redness of your cheeks, whenever you clutch your skirt, whenever you scrunch your nose..."

I blushed. "T-That's –"

"Whenever you stutter. And blush like that," he said, looking at my face directly. I felt like melting back then, under his gazes. His eyes scream so much emotions and yet there are none readable.

"C-Can't you figure it out on your own?"

"How am I supposed to do that?"

I sighed deep. "Just... understand," I said, which made me think about how I see him. Before, I thought he was easy to read – I thought I've been opening up his pages and I'm on the way on wholly knowing him, but I was wrong again. He wasn't that easy.

I myself couldn't understand his language, too. I hope he'd taught me, so I...

--

Just now, I felt a tear drop. Really, no matter how long these things happened, these memories still linger – they never change, and it hurts as though it happened just yesterday.

--

He smiled. "Hell yeah. Maybe."

I smiled. "Anyway, no, we can't go home together," I said and shrugged.

He frowned. "Bakit?"

"I've something else to do. Sorry," I said and stood up. "I'll go back to my room." I smiled to him. "Thanks for the lunch!"

I didn't let him ask any further, as I continued my walk towards my room.

I didn't have to find Steph that dismissal. I just saw her smiling brightly in front of our classroom's door. I thought it will be just a simple walk together, but I guess I was immensely wrong.

Before I write down the things she said back then, I won't say, "I should have listened to her." Well, if I think about it in another way, I wish I should have. Had I listened to her warnings, I wouldn't experience too much hurt – but those aches were nothing if compared to the happiness and love I had experienced being with Sean.

So no, whatever decisions I had made regarding Sean and the love I felt for him, I think those were never wrong.

With him, everything feels right – no matter how wrong they really are.

♥