Chapter Sixteen

| Sean |

♥

"Gaano na kayo ka-close?" Steph asked as we were walking side by side on the road.

I licked my ice cream before answering. "Uh... well... um..."

"Gan'yan ka ba talaga?"

I paused. I looked at the girl beside me, his hair tied up in a bun, and black eyes amused. Her eyes somehow reminded me of something, but I shook the thought.

The sun that day was orange, and it reminded me the day when Sean and I walked through the town and introduced me to myself. I suppressed my smile and just focused on the girl I was with.

"A-Ano?"

"Utal-utal?" she asked bluntly.

It made me uncomfortable. I hoped she rephrased her question, to make me less uneasy.

"I-I'm used at being with myself, so talking with someone else is a hard task." I ate on my ice cream again. "But I guess naka-depend sa kausap ko."

"Introverts," she murmured, a laugh almost escaping her lips, while shaking her head. "Anyway, 'yung question ko?"

We just went out the school. I kept looking around in hopes to see Sean, but to no luck. I focused again on Steph.

"Uh... w-we went out a few times," I said. "No'ng weekend 'yung na-consider na... uh, date, because the day before, he said he likes me. And... do'n lang siya nag-ask kung pwede ba kami lumabas. So..." I stopped myself from sharing too much, because... I don't know – trust issues.

Her eyes widened instantly, stopped walking and faced me. "What? Really?"

I looked away from her surprised eyes. "Yeah."

"Paano niya sinabi?!"

I ran my hand through my long, black hair, unable to answer her question. Why's she asking too much questions? I remember thinking.

"Bakit ba interested ka masyado?" I asked.

She just smiled, not answering me. "I'm glad nag-open up na rin siya with someone."

With that, my eyes squinted in confusion. "Um... are you and Sean friends?"

"More than that."

My eyes widened. A frightening thought popped in my head that made my heart go bang. An ex-girlfriend? Or worse, a girlfriend?

Upon seeing my reaction, Steph laughed. "It's not what you think!" she said. "Pero sana gano'n na nga."

She stopped walking and looked at her vanilla ice cream melting under the soft ray of the sun. She licked her fingers, finished her ice cream, and threw the tissue on the nearest trash can.

"Kasi... magkasabay kaming lumaki ni Sean," she said, wiping her sticky hands on her skirt. Then we continued walking. I was interested, suddenly, and I figured out Steph is the sis Sean is talking about that lunch. It wasn't that hard to realize it. "But we're not... relatives. Basta, magulo kasi situation namin. Anyway, whatever problems our parents face, hindi na kami kasama do'n. So lumaki kaming close sa isa't isa."

I nodded, making her know I was listening. She smiled.

"Mas matanda siya sa 'kin ng one month," she said and laughed. "So we're really close. Nasaksihan ko lahat... kapag umiihi siya sa kama, kapag tumitili siya sa lumilipad na ipis, mga iyak niya kapag nadapa, mga sintunado niyang boses kapag pina-practice ni Papa, 'yong natuto siyang mag-guitar... lahat."

She looked away, paused, before continuing. "Our parents grew us up telling us we're siblings, but I knew beyond that. We're not. Hindi naman kami magkadugo, so maybe..." she looked at me, her eyes sparkling love and apology. "So maybe it's okay to love him."

I darted my eyes down to our black shoes that are pacing slowly against the pavement. My heart walloped fast against my ribs, but I chose to keep quiet and let her carry on her story.

"Ako kasi... matapang talaga akong tao. Kaya ko harapin lahat – wala akong kinatatakutan. Kung mayro'n man, hinaharap ko 'yon lahat," she said. "So... I told Sean how I felt. When we were... fourteen."

I finished up my ice cream. The tips of my fingers felt sticky. The sun rays were soft against our skins. I kept hushed.

"I was..." she laughed, but with pain. "Rejected."

I took all my courage to look at her, and I was surprised to see her eyes almost crying. What was I supposed to do? I've never comforted anyone else before.

"Ano pa ba ini-expect ko? I was his sister! Bakit niya ako papatulan, 'di ba?" she asked me rhetorically. "So... ayun. Na-heartbroken ako." She laughed. "Alala ko pa 'yon. We were casually watching television, and we were sitting so close. Kabang-kaba ako sa lapit namin, tapos ang tangkad-tangkad pa niya, para siyang mas matanda sa age niya. Nakakakilig nga, eh. Tapos, inisip ko, kaming dalawa lang sa bahay kaya dapat samantalahin ko na 'yung chance na masabi ko sakanya," she said.

I felt uncomfortable. I noticed our strides grew slower, and the sunlight was slowly replaced by the dim orange lights on the skyline. My chest was feeling heavy. I was talking with the girl who just fell in love with the boy I'm in love with. What else was I supposed to feel?

"I blurted out, 'Sean, I like you'." Alam mo reply niya?"

I didn't reply.

"Like you too, sis."

I forced a smile. I thought I was supposed to.

"And I said, seriously, I like you." She stopped walking suddenly, so I did, too. "Ah... I'll never forget his reaction back then. It was... incredible." Her eyes focused on the dusky sky, a wistful smile appeared on her lips. "Nakaawang 'yung lips. 'Yung mga mata niya gulat saka nagtataka," she said and burst into a short, quiet giggle.

"Sinamantala ko 'yung pagkagulat niya. I explained why I liked him. Nanlalamig ang mga kamay ko no'n saka kinakabahan, pero sinabi ko lahat. Sa kalagitnaan..." She sighed. "Pinutol niya ako.

"Ang sabi niya, 'That's not a good joke,'. Sabi ko, 'Hindi ako nagjo-joke!'. Sabi niya, 'Pero magkapatid tayo.' Ang sagot ko, 'Sean, may gusto ako sa 'yo.' Mas seryoso kong sinabi 'yon.

"Binanggit niya 'yung pangalan ko." She smiled, and I caught a tear drop on her cheek. "He said, sorry."

I'm sure my eyes right that very moment reflected pity. Steph looked so deadly sincere about her love, and it made her story more heartbreaking.

"No'ng sinabi niya 'yon, hindi ko alam ire-react ko. Nasaktan ako, sobra. Akala ko kasi bibigyan niya kami ng chance. Akala ko lang pala," she said. "I said... joke!"

I reacted. I was about to open my mouth but no words came out, so I pursed my lips together.

She smiled, and created an expression that says she's admitting what she'd done was dumb. She sighed and looked up.

"It hurts more kasi mukhang na-relieve pa siya sa sinabi ko."

I didn't know what to say. When she saw how struggling I was, she just laughed and said she's okay. She'd moved on.

"The day after, naging kami ng senior na niligawan ako. Alam 'yon ng buong family at siyempre, including Sean. Pero after a week, the senior and I broke up. Bukod sa matigas ulo niya, ayoko naman siyang itali sa 'kin kung alam kong hindi ko siya mahal," she said. Steph winked at me. "I was heartbroken, but that doesn't give me the right to break someone's heart, too. Dapat ganern!"

I laughed and shook my head as we continued our walk. "After the break-up, Sean caught me crying. Sa CR 'yon. Ang adik, tinulak pabukas 'yung pinto. Nag-away pa kami kasi sabi ko, paano kung nakahubad pala ako?!" She laughed. "Anyway. He asked why I was crying. Kinikilig ako no'n kasi halatang galit na galit siya. Ang cute lang? Tapos sabi ko... nag-break kami ni Niño. 'Yung senior. Sinungaling e, ano? He didn't know he was the reason why I cried.

"I didn't know he was that angry to pick a fight with Niño. Ang kulit lang kasi three years tanda ni Niño pero magkasingtangkad lang sila ng fourteen na si Sean," she said. "What's not funny is napa-faculty siya, tapos... iniwasan." She sighed deeply and looked at her naked nails. "Then he... changed."

"Changed?"

Steph looked into my eyes and smiled. "Yes." Then upwards, her eyes looked, as if searching for the first star in the nightfall. "Hindi naman kasi siya gaano tahimik. He makes friends, he had fun. Gano'n. But I think, 'yung pang-aaway sakaniya nila Mama, 'yung sermon ng school, 'yung mga nagalit sakanya, 'yung unti-unting bumabagsak grades niya – all those were too much for him to take.

"'Yung passion niya pa for singing. How could he sing more in front of people who judged him? Kuya Stephen and I were shocked when he told us he won't be singing in school anymore. He was so... sad. Binagsak n'ya 'yung guitar niya na ni ayaw niyang padapo sa kapirasong alikabok. He dropped it like how he'd drop a trash."

I felt tears in my eyes. My heart was having cracks slowly spreading, and it was painful. I remembered Sean's smiles and the enigma his eyes held, and I never knew it held a lot of things he decided not to show me.

"He changed. At sinisi ko ang sarili ko dahil do'n," she said. "That went on for years. He didn't play his guitar during that year, nor heard him sing. Kasalanan ko. Siguro kung... siguro kung sinabi ko sakanya ang totoo, sana hindi siya magkakaroon ng gulo sa senior na 'yun."

"But... Steph, you had no choice."

"I didn't. But still."

She smiled. "Pero actually... he still has a lot of classmates who didn't care about rumors. So somehow he gained a few acquaintances. Still not holding his guitar, though – and still hiding."

She laughed and shook her head. "Marami ka pang hindi alam kasi. Marami pang tinatago si Sean sa 'yo. Hindi niya sinasabi kasi mahalaga ka sakan'ya."

I couldn't reply.

"Alam mo kung kailan ko lang s'ya ulit nakitaang may hawak na gitara?"

"When?"

"A few months ago, when he met you."

My heart leaped, and suddenly it was wrapped in warmth. My cheeks flushed.

"T-Talaga?"

She nodded. "I envy you. I've been comforting him but none worked. Ikaw sinabi mo lang na gusto mo s'yang mapanuod, tumugtog din siya."

I looked away in shyness, my cheeks hot.

"Salamat sa 'yo. I think he'd found his happiness now. Nagagawa na rin n'ya 'yung mga gusto n'yang gawin. Through your help."

I couldn't contain all the emotions I've felt; they were too much. "B-But I didn't do anyth–"

Steph held my hand. She looked at me directly, her eyes sparkling.

"Believe me. You showed him the way. You made him think he was enough. You brought him up from the darkness he created." She held my hands tighter. "You saved him." Steph's lips arched upwards. "So thank you." Her smile then, fell, and she let go of my hands. "But..."

That but was the start of all the things she'd warned me about. The next sentences she said made me feel scared, made me want to take a step back.

But I didn't.

"Kasi... si Sean – he's facing a lot of issues. Ayaw niyang may nakikisawsaw sa mga problema niya. And Maurice," she said then sighed. "I've never seen him so attached with someone else. I think he might also hurt himself when the day comes that he must leave and solve his own matters."

"A-Ano'ng ibig mong sabihin?" I asked.

She just shook her head. "I can't tell you. It'll sound wrong kapag nanggaling sa 'kin." Steph smiled sheepishly. "I can see between the two of you na may connection talaga kayo. It's clear. Maganda. But Maurice, listen to me."

Back then, I listened, yes, but her words never registered in my head. I understood her, but I didn't take all them by heart. Why? I know she was incorrect. I thought I knew better.

"I might be right or not, but please still listen," she said seriously. "Gaya ng sinabi ko, maraming hinaharap si Sean, and I'm sorry if I couldn't tell you what those are. One day, he might suddenly... just... disappear. Alam ko masaya s'ya ngayon kasi–" Steph couldn't take it. She burst into tears.

The both of us stopped walking. Both her palms went up on her face and cried, and I stood there, in front of her, not knowing what to do. I just placed a hand on her shoulder and rubbed it slightly.

"Sorry ah," sabi niya. She tucked out her handkerchief and wiped her face, laughing awkwardly. "Alam ko masaya na s'ya ngayon kasi after a couple of years, nakita ko na ulit 'yung dating siya. He's been smiling a lot now, he's been playing his guiltar, tapos nagpapagawa pa nga ng song. He turned into a different person again. A person he once was. Pero kasi...

"Alam ko na darating din ang araw na 'yon. 'Yung haharapin niya nang mag-isa lahat ng mga problema niya. But believe me when I say he'll come back. 'Yun nga lang kung..." She paused, then looked intently at me. "Kung magde-decide kang mag-stick ka sakan'ya, even with that possibility for him to disappear. I don't want you hurt, and I'm giving you the time to step back. Tell Sean it's been nice to meet him, para in case..."

"I'll stay," I said, decisive.

She smiled, unsurprised at my ready answer. "Sure ka?"

"Yes," I said. "You keep on praising me, but it's Sean who'd done a lot of changes in my life. Everything changed with him." I breathed deep. "I can't just... leave him. Hindi niya deserve. If he's been facing problems then he can ask for my help. I'll stay."

Those words that came out my mouth weren't planned, and I guess that that moment I was not the one who was talking – it was my heart – who didn't tell a single lie.

"You really... love him, don't you?"

I smiled at Steph, so sure about what I've just said and confirmed. The soft wind passed, the sky dimmed darker, and the sun is partially hidden. The sunlight wraps around us, and she smiled back at me.

She didn't need an answer.

♥