A life of lies

It was late November and time for the Iron Bowl. Everything was crazy to me though. My Uncle William passed away while I was sleep in the room upstairs. He had went out that night so when he came home late; I didnt think nothing of the noise I was hearing I thought maybe he had bought a friend home. That morning when I woke up to make breakfast for Mason; Uncle William was curled up in the fetal position. Uncle William I said but he didn't answer. When I put my hand on him to shake him he was cold as ice. My heart felt like it was going to jump out of my chest. At that moment I forgot Mason was even there. I ran next door to get his neighbor who was a home health aid. I don't know what to do is all I could say once she answered the door. I screamed at her, " I don't know what to do" she finally grabbed my shoulders and said; do about what baby calm down. Uncle William was the only response I could give. Her eyes grew wide and she turned me around. When we walked back in Uncle Williams house the air was tight and stuffy. Mason let out a scream and I ran upstairs as fast as I could. My aunt Simone almost appeared there in a way like she had been waiting for him to die. I called Grace and she told Kathy they both had moved back to Chicago where Kathy had been living for the past twelve years.

Uncle Williams funeral was a fiasco. When the rest of the family came everyone was pissed at Simone. She had donated his eyes. William Jr. his son was the one to make that choice atleast that's how the family felt. His daughter Marie acted out so badly that Uncle Jason had to practically dragg her back to the family limo. This time Grace decided to stay in Pickens County not because she felt some since of responsibility but, because she had other plans. Grace and Simone got an apartment together. Simone worked at a hotel and Grace got a job at the gas station. I thought that she was finally gonna act like my mother instead of my sister ; boy was I wrong. She really didnt want to have anything to do with me, Mason or the baby I was carrying. Again that feeling rushed back like it had never left.

It was January two days before my birthday. six months pregnant no job no husband or prospect of one and all I could think about was Oneal. I wondered if he thought about me at all. There were times when I would whisper in the air "I love you Oneal" to absolutely no one at all. Tracy called me to see if I wanted to get out the house. She and her friend Boppit picked me up and we rode to the other side of town. It felt good to be away from Grace and Gabby, not to have to listen to Grace lie to Gabby about her father even if it was just for a few hours. We went to Boppit's friend house to play cards. His name was Toussant, he was short and sort of wierd looking but, he was a gentlemen. We enjoyed ourselves and I went back to Simone and Grace's house.

For the next couple of weeks, Toussant would call, bring flowers and other small gifts. I was impressed because other than Oneal no one had ever took the time out to do those things for me. Toussant worked at a place called Celluar Unlimited so, he kept me equipped with the latest phones and pagers. I never asked for anything from this man he just did. My daughter that I was told was surely to be born a boy; was born two whole months early. Toussant stayed with me that whole night until he had to go to work the next morning. I had been in labor so long that the doctors couldn't give me anything else to stop my contractions. Wether I was ready or not this baby was coming. Grace had just got home from work and my water broke time she walked in the door. Oh hell no, she said as she kicked off her shoes ; you're just gonna have to wait! Simone jumped up and started swearing at Grace. You have got to be fucking kidding me right now she said. This damn girl in labor and you said she gonna have to wait. No the hell she aint ; Grace get your fat ass up and take her to the hospital now. Before Grace could open her mouth to respond Simone had already slapped her. Grace now! The drive was the worst ride I had ever taken in my life. Grace cussed at me the whole way there and I swear she swerved to hit every pothole she could find. By the time I got to the hospital on a stretcher in the elevator she was already here. She was premature and I hadn't given her a name so we couldnt leave. Finally, I gave her the best name I could think to give her Saquice.

I moved in with Toussant because he made it seem like he really wanted me in his life. We lived like royalty. No worries no regrets. One day a county sherriff came a took Toussant downtown for what seemed like all day. He finally came home he really didn't say much except they don't have nothing on me. Time went on and he all of a sudden had a new job. I asked about his other job but he would just say don't worry about it. We got into a really big argument and I left and went back to Simone and Grace's house. I hated every minute of it. Toussant would call and I would avoid him at all cost. One day I got an extremely long text from Toussant telling me how sad and lonely he had been. He only wanted to make me dinner and talk. I hadn't been out in a while so I thought what the hell. One night turned into three weeks. It was time for my six week check up and wouldn't you know it I was pregnant.. When I told Toussant he just smiled from ear to ear. Two days later we were at the court house.

We went to this room and spoke with a lady briefly. Toussant handed me some papers and said sign this; so I did and then a man said I now pronounce you husband and wife. I screamed on the inside " you fool, what did you just do?" On the outside I smiled so hard that it made my face hurt. That night I sat in the tub and cried. Not because I was happy not because I was pregnant. But, because I only wanted to be Oneal's wife. Toussant knocked at the bathroom door. Lena he said are you okay it sounds like you're crying. No, I'm okay as more tears fell down my face. I'm coming in he said as the door opened. I tried to wipe my face but was too late, he had already seen the tears. What's wrong he asked, aren't you happy. Yes, I lied; I'm just over emotional because of the pregnancy. Are you sure? Yeah I'm sure.

As time went on Toussant became violent not only to me but the kids as well. We moved from Pickens County to Wayfair. A long way from anybody I could run to if he decided to beat me. It was sticky hot in Wayfair the summer of '98. Early one morning I got a call. Hello, I said and the voice on the other end replied ; my mama left me. Hello I said again this time with frustration in my voice. My mama left me she said again. Gabby is that you? I asked. Yeah ma left me in this house with no lights or running water she said. Where is auntie Simone I asked even more frustrated than before. Gabby explained that when she got home from school that the house was quiet and dark. She said she tried to call Grace at work but they were looking for her too. I asked, what do you mean they're looking for her? Gabby said the person told her that Grace had stole over five thousand dollars in money orders and she didnt show up for work.

Toussant was standing there next to me holding Saquice asking what the problem was. I explained only that I had to go get Gabby because Grace left her by herself. We drove the whole hour in silence the only thing that was on my mind was all the stress that I had to take at the age of nineteen. When we got to Gabby she was sitting outside on the porch. When she saw us pull up her face brightened just a little. I didn't know what to say accept that I would take care of her. We packed as much of Gabby's stuff that we could into the mini van and headed back to Wayfair.

I went to child services to get custody of Gabby. The social worker told me that I wasn't old enough to have custody of her but she wouldn't make a report since she was already living at my home. Gabby acted like she was okay living in our home. Although there was something about the whole situation that didn't sit right with me. About a week later I got a call from Kathy. She told me that Grace had come back to Chicago and check herself into the mental hospital. I told Kathy that Gabby was with me but I needed some help. She was fifteen at the time and supposed to be in school. I couldn't get any type of public assistance for her because I didnt have custody. Kathy sent me three hundred dollars and some clothes for Gabby. The rest was up to me and Toussant.

Gabby started walking around in short dresses and even shorter shorts. Gabby go put some clothes on, I would tell her. Why she would ask? Because my husband is here and he doesn't need to see your behind. That night her and Toussant had an argument about washing dishes. It was so bad that I passed out while yelling at both of them to stop. When I came to Gabby was sitting next to me crying. Why are you crying Gabby did Toussant do something to you? I asked. She shook herhead no. I thought I had made you loose the baby. Gabby I'm fine.

My house was set up so that the childrens room was adjacent to my room. This particular morning ; Toussant was up early feeding the kids so that I could rest. Atleast, that is what I assumed. I saw him go inti the kids room but never come out. I walked around through the dinning room when I reached the room door; Toussant was laying across Gabby's back. His hands were messaging her breast, she was making this movement like it felt good to her. She wasn't crying or fighting him off. Before I knew it I yelled out; so y'all think I'm a fool or something and then you doing this shit in front of my kids. I left the door to get Toussants pistol.

Before I could cock the hammer back he was standing in front of me pleading. I don't know what I was thinking, I am so sorry he told me. At that moment Gabby walked in with a smug look on her face. I told Toussant she had to go and go now. Immediately he got on the phone and called his dad. The next thing I know Gabby was on the bus to Chicago. Shortly, after that I left. Toussant woke up early one morning; slaming doors. He was stomping through the house yelling at the top of his lungs. Toussant , what is it? I asked. Oh, you don't know? he asked as if I was the problem itself. You are so naive; I never wanted to marry you! I couldn't risk you telling on me. I stood there with both a look of shock and anger. At that very moment it was as if a storm was raging inside of me. Toussant went on and on about how he knew that the prosecuter was planning on call me as a surprise witness in his hearing. You see, the year before while he was working at Celluar Unlimited he wasnt just saling phones. Toussant committed fraud, embezzlement, identy theft and retail scams. The only thing I ever knew was that I never paid for phones or bills.

When he finally stopped talking; I looked at Toussant for the very first time. This short unkindly form of a man was now appearing to be nothing more than a rat to me. Toussant; I said almost in a whisper, I apologize for making your life sad. I didn't know that we weren't supposed to have been this deep in. I won't do anything to upset you any more. As I walked into the room, Toussant said ; the only thing that would make me happy is if you just weren't here. Okay, I said and turned and walked away.

I arrived in Chicago a day and a half later. My cousin Cicely met me at the train station. She hugged me and helped me get the kids in the taxi. So, do think you're ready to see Grace ? Cicely asked me. I was almost overdo with toxemia. A condition that left me uncomfortably swollen everywhere. At this point, I didnt care what Grace did or didn't say or do. All I knew was that I was away from Toussant.

I gave birth to Monyétt. For a while I didn't have any resources other than my family. I stayed at Kathy's until I got placement in a shelter. It wasn't all that great and I missed what I called home. As soon as I called Toussant he accepted me back. It was short lived. I didn't love nor want Toussant. I wanted to be somewhere anywhere else accept here here with him. We seperated and over the years it was the same thing. He would beat me and get me pregnant. He would put me and the kids out or I would leave. Two kids, swollen face and sore backs later; I decided the madness had to stop. This time when I left Toussant it was for good.