Self hatred

Warning self harm.

Why? Why is it that every time I get angry , enraged and change forms I lose sight of what I was doing or lose sight of my surroundings, I am angry and I hate myself for it every time. I hate myself even more whenever I scare Ruka or anyone, it makes me feel like a monster because I can't control that part yet. I was sitting down on a log while I was looking at the river trying to get my thoughts all together and everything else that I have been feeling as well when suddenly I heard a stick break from behind me, when I turned around I saw Luka starring at me while approaching me carefully.

"Lilith..... you okay" asked Luka worried

"..... I ..... I just hate the fact I lose sight of my surroundings and I end up scaring people especially loved ones and it hurts, everyone looks at me like a monster and sometimes I think that I am I-I....." I said as I bit my lips trying to stop my tears from falling

"Your not a monster Lilith, your you, and it's okay to sometimes be scared I mean really it's fine that's normal, everyone is scared of somethings or of people that's just because we sometimes judge people for either their appearances and we sometimes forget that not everyone is the same, everyone goes though hardships or even tough childhoods however that doesn't change who they are as a person ... ugh listen when I was growing up I was in the same position as you, I was also and still am looked at as a monster but, I don't let that define me as a person, yes people get scared that's normal because it's like an instinct we all fear about things that we don't know about and so it up to us to decide if we should let it define who we are or how people see us or let it cloud our judgements, I am going to say this Lilith I wasn't scared of you none of us were we were just shocked to see you act that way and it's okay to be scared about having people you care about deeply seeing you as a monster it's normal however just know that we all love you and always will no matter what okay, now what do you say we clean up those tears and head back hmmm?" Asked Luka

I didn't respond I just wiped my tears and nodded then headed towards the others. A few years ago if someone would have told me that I was going to run into my mate in collage or that I would reconnect with my little wolf pup or find out about who the people who were raising my and my siblings weren't out real parents or anything that had happened to me would happen I wouldn't have believed them like at all but, it was nice to have people around me and showing me things that I didn't understand or comprehend or anything at this point however I am glad that I have people in my life. As I was in my own thought I felt a big push and the next thing I know my but started to sting then I noticed that Luna and Shadow had knocked me on my arse and Ruka was hugging my arm tightly hell the three of them alone were hugging me like I would disappear again and never come back which I don't blame them to I do have a tendency to run away when I am upset but, it was nice getting hugged for like 20 minutes.

"Do you feel better now Lilith?" Asked Luna

"Am I okay? Are you guys okay? You guys aren't scared of me?" I asked confused

"Lilith Hunny we all have gone through what you have minus some stuff however the stuff revolving around the wolf we all have gone through it, your father and I as well as are family, it is shocking to see it happen but, with more training we can control that part" said mom

"Your mother is right" said dad

"No matter what even thou I was scared I still love you mommy" said Ruka

"And I will always love you, we all love you and that's never going to change" said grandma

"Thank you" I replied feeling a bit better

After a very warm and heartfelt moment we headed back to the house.

"Umm are th-" "no I sent Rocket to clean up" said grandma

"Ah okay sorry and thank you" I replied then thanked Rocket once we got in the house well when I saw him. Even thou they said that they still love me no matter what, I will always see myself as a monster and I will always hate myself even more. Once we got home everyone looked at me and said that they were going to go to the store and would be back, before I could say anything Ruka came up to me and said that she was a bit tired, I mean it is her nap time, so I nodded my head at then as to say okay then picked Ruka up and headed towards my bedroom to put her to bed. Once she was on the bed and asleep from me reading her a bedtime story I went into the bathroom then look at my self in the mirror after I washed my face, when all of a sudden curtain thoughts started flowing into my head, my reflection was moving around when I was standing still, all I could hear are my thoughts and nothing else, 'they are scared of you', 'you are a monster', 'you hurt someone again', 'I should just die', 'no one wants a monster by their side', 'die no one will care', I shook my head trying to shake these thoughts away, but they just kept getting louder and louder then my eyes started to wounded around the bathroom looking for something, my eyes stopped at my razor, picked it up and began to run it across my skin on my wrist. I came back to my senses when I felt a sharp pain across my cheek and then my wrist began to throb however I looked up as to see who it was that had just slapped me, god how much I wish I didn't look up because I saw my Shadow and Luna looking at me with such a pained expression as if they were the ones hurt and slapped.

"Lilith what the hell!!!!" Yelled Shadow

"Why did you do that to yourself?!" Yelled Luna as she held a warm wet hand cloth to my wrist to try and stop the bleeding

I didn't know what to say at first because my brain was trying to process what just happened then I spoke.

"I don't know ..... I don't even remember doing this, all I removed is going to the washroom to wash my face then I started to hear my thoughts saying things and then next thing I know I was slapped" I replied

"Lilith look at me" said my brother

I looked at Shadow to see that he was reaching for my head then began to pay my heading saying the opposite of what these thoughts in my head were saying, my eyes began to tear up however I didn't let any tears falls until my sister said something to me that I didn't even know about.

"Lilith I know what you were thinking about, so listen to what I am about to say because I have also been there, to that dark and cold place, we aren't scared of you okay when we said we weren't scared of you we meant it okay let that sink in for a bit also it's okay to cry it just means your human, that your not a robot, so if you ever feel like you might go through those thoughts again then please come to any of us and we will help you so let your tears out it's okay we are all here for you and we aren't going anywhere" she said while she treats my cut

I just look up at them and then let everything I had been keeping inside out, my pain, frustration, fear, hate, anger, everything out for four hours then I had passed out due to the exhaustion, pain and being light headed. When I woke up it was already the next morning, I had slept the rest of the day away yesterday great.

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Authors note

Sorry for the short chapter I am having a bit difficulty coming up with more ideas to put into the story.