Reality

"Rina, why are you so opposed to the arrangement?" Sueko finally asks the question she's been holding in her mouth like a hot coal.

Two nights ago I came upon them, her and Masamune Date strolling through the trees, arm in arm and looking into each other's eyes the way… the way I do with Hideyoshi, the way I did with Nobunaga. I don't really understand what came over me, but I followed them. I watched and hid when they stopped and spoke in whispers.

"Sueko—" His voice sounds sure.

"Yes Masa?" I'm not sure I have heard her sound more like a woman in that moment.

Masamune cleared his throat before continuing. "We will be back to Azuchi in just a few days."

"Yes." Sueko sounds humored, probably because of the way he pointed out the obvious.

"I was wondering, where will you be staying when we return?"

There is a long pause that I am tempted to break and barge in, grab her, and state that she will stay at Azuchi, that she will live with me and we will raise our children together. Her soft voice sounded disappointed and it broke my heart to hear it that way. "Azuchi."

More silence. More unbearable silence between them settles before his voice shatters it, and my mind. "What if you came back to Aoba… with me?"

I could hardly breath as I continue to listen.

"Masamune… what are you saying? Be clear." She knows, she's so smart and a bit cunning, she wanted him to say it plainly, for her own ears and for his heart.

"I know you've probably already heard the rumors about my behavior and I would be lying if I said most of them were unfounded… that being said, I feel changed— by you Sueko, by the way you treat me, the way you listen. From the moment you fell into my arms I saw the ferocity in you that I never thought I would find in a wi— a — a wife…" I finally took a breath at that point. Quietly praying she would carefully decline what he was trying to ask.

Sueko, "What about—"

"I don't care." He interrupts what must have been her looking and touching her stomach. "I mean, I care, but not in a way that I could turn away from you. Quite the opposite actually. When we were riding back to Ieyasu that night… they way you held yourself and quietly prayed for your child's safety with that feral kind of devotion, that's what sparked it Sueko. That was the first time I could see myself loving someone… Sueko, marry me." She started laughing, but not at him, no, it was with him. The silence suddenly felt warm now, and when I peeked to see what was happening I thought I might faint. He has her back against a tree, a hand on her cheek, and their lips have met and melted into each other.

I ran, making enough noise to draw their attention, but escaping their sight.

I ran straight to my husband. When I entered the tent, gasping for air, Ieyasu and Hideyoshi's conversation was immediately cut off as they rushed to me. "Why are you gasping for air? Is it the baby?" Ieyasu look irked as I shook my head, still trying to catch my breath, which is difficult when another human is inside of you and compressing pushing your internal organs around.

"Rina are you okay?" Hideyoshi's golden eyes were so full of confused concern. I shook my head again and he scooped me up and on to the futon.

Both of them were on me. Hideyoshi holding me, helping me breath at a more relaxed pace while Ieyasu watched and felt around my belly. "Everything seems fine…" Iyesau remarked just as I had caught my breath.

"Well everything is not what it seems." I retort with a glare before turning to my husband. "Sueko… Masamune… they… ugh! They want to be married." I huff after and so does Ieyasu before storming out of the tent.

"Rina—" Hideyoshi sounds angered. "Why are you so against the two of them being together?"

Now here I am, sitting across from her in the cart on our last day of traveling together before we part, forced to answer the question I ended up in an oceanarium of tears when I answered Hideyoshi. "Because… because he isn't good enough for you." Not a lie… just not the reason.

She giggles, only reminding me of the little girl She used to be. "Rina. In your eyes no one will ever be good enough for me. He loves me, and he isn't afraid of raising my child with me. He's more than I could ask for." She's right, no one is good enough for her in my eyes. No one will ever deserve her.

My eyes begin to sting as hot tears have already started to form. "He's too— too reckless. I've fought beside him for months and quickly lost count of how many times I had to save him because of his careless actions. I can see that you are in love with him, and I don't doubt that he loves you..." tears begin to fall as I take a deep breath, resting my hand on my belly. "You've already experienced so much pain… losing our family… everything that — he— did to you before I got to you… Love isn't easy Sueko… Love isn't always a pleasant feeling. Love has responsibilities, it has consequences, and it comes with it's own levels of pain that can sometimes feel more painful than anything that can be done to your body…" I had started to sob at some point but she waited to pull me into a hug and stroke the back of my head.

"Rina…" was all she could say while I buried my face into her shoulder and tried desperately to stop crying.

The small sliver of hope that we may get Nobunaga is usually enough for me to hold on to. When I see them, glancing at each other, giggling when they catch the other staring, walking away from the campsites arm in arm, it reminds me of the early flirtations I never had with Nobunaga, we were robbed of those moments by the wars he waged, by his campaign. We had one short interaction before I was taken and that innocent belief in love, that free spirited flirtatious nature was ripped from me. When I returned to him his kindness was met with bitter resentment and an unwillingness to believe that I ever deserved his affection, or any for that matter. I envy Sueko and Masamune, that's the truth. Even as I sit with Hideyoshi, even as he caresses my belly and whispers sweet promises to our child, I envy the blind love that those two have right now. I'm glad that we will be separating after this day, that I will be focused on that sliver of hope that we may be able to get him back, and if that sliver of hope is in fact a sliver of truth, I will never let him slip away from us again.

My sobbing settles into slow breaths and Sueko continues to hold me as she speaks calmly. "I am no longer the innocent little one you left with mama and papa. You can't imagine what Kenshin made me watch, or feel, or smell, or touch… none of you can…" I lift my face to see hers, lips still quivering. Her expression is retreated and dark for a long moment before she slightly shakes her head, light returning to her face and a subtle lift in the corners of her mouth before she continues to speak. "Nothing about life is as easy as the kind of childhood we had… I don't know what hardships lie ahead for me… or for you… or for Masamune… I just know that when I look in his eye I feel like I can face whatever it is that happens with courage and laughter."

I sit up on my own and her arms release me from her embrace. After a long breath and sigh I relent. "Okay. You have my approval…" Her smile grows at a rapid rate as I speak. I continue in a wounded tone. "You do know this means you won't be staying with me in Azuchi?" She nods with a kind smile and places her hands on mine.

That night, as we ate our last meal before Hideyoshi and a small group separate, I walk Sueko and release her next to Masamune to sit there for the meal. "If you hurt her—" I wait for his lovestruck eye to meet my stern gaze to finish my statement. "I will personally remove your remaining eye." Sueko gasps beside me and smacks my arm before taking her seat next to him.

He chuckles at my words. "The thought of harming such a precious flower… I would rather take my own life—" His eye goes wide, realizing he's offended both myself and Hideyoshi. "I mean to say… shit…" I quickly place a hand on his shoulder and speak with some authority. "I understand."

When I take my place beside Hideyoshi he is in deep conversation with Ieyasu and Mitsunari regarding how and what to do upon their return to Azuchi. Ieyasu is still irritated and Mitsunari is trying to help his emperor convince the healer that everything will be okay this time. Ieyasu is seems even more stubborn that usual, perhaps the sting of see Sueko choose Masamune is making him more irritable, something I wasn't aware was possible. "Last time you left…" He doesn't finish. We all know what happened when Hideyoshi left to check on Nobunaga and I at the hot springs.

I interrupt by grabbing my husband's arm and slightly leaning forwards. "Last time we still had living enemies." The only one I have left is Nagao Harukage and he has no power. He will be hard to find now that he doesn't have Kenshin's support in this world, but I have faith in our own spies and assassins to find him.

Hideyoshi turns to me with a soft smile in his eyes. I reach up to his face, along with joy to see me there is something else in those eyes: exhaustion. "Has Ieyasu been distracting you from eating?" I ask while leaning to grab some rice with my own chop sticks from his plate. I bring the food to his mouth and he happily takes the bite. While he chews I glare at Ieyasu until he settles back and begins eating his own meal. Mitsunari looks pleased as he also begins to eat.

I bring the cup of tea from in front of Hideyoshi up to him to grab. "No more talking about what has already been decided." I calmly command as he takes his first sip.

The smile finally reaches his lips. "Yes dear." He leans to me for a quick kiss, that get plenty of reactions from the people around us. I smile playfully before returning to my meal.

Masamune and Sueko announce their intentions to wed when Hideyoshi and I return to Azuchi and everyone but Ieyasu seems pleased. Before leaving I heard an angry huff from his direction and looked to Hideyoshi and he turned to me and spoke low enough no one could hear us over the other conversations. "He will be okay." I desperately want to believe him, I just have a hard time that Ieyasu has ever actually been okay.

I walked Sueko to her tent after our meal and what do we find on the ground? Masamune and Ieyasu on the ground. I shoot Sueko a glare. "Consequences." I mutter. My next words are no mutter, they are loud and clear. "Get off of each other right now."

Ieyasu does not listen and slams his fist into Masamune's face. It's only when he hears Sueko gasp that he stops. He doesn't look at her though, he just stands, get's off of the man he's just assaulted, brushes himself off and walks away with his eyes slightly lowered. My sister goes straight to her fiancé, bringing his head into her lap, checking his face. It's too adorable for me to watch, so I chase after Ieyasu.

"What was that about?" I ask when I am only a few steps behind him.

"None of your business. Go to bed." He quickly ducks into his own tent and without thinking I follow him.

"Rina! Out!" He's never sounded angrier.

I take a moment to decide wether or not I should leave. "Not until you explain." I have my suspicions.

His fists are clenched at his sides and nose is flared, eyes like daggers on me as I approach and lift his right hand to observe any damage his punch may have done. "We need these hands uninjured. You're our most talented physician. On top of that, you will be leading while Hideyoshi and I are away." He huffs at my words. I continue in a kind tone. "Was that about their engagement?" He retracts his hand from mine with an inhale that sounds more like a hiss.

His words are dark as he turns away from me. "Perhaps."

I sigh. "You were hoping she would choose you?" He almost imperceptible nods his head in response.

I place a careful hand on his shoulder. "We will find you a—" I stop when he very suddenly turns to face me with those sharp eyes again.

His words start cold, and quickly become numb. "Don't. Just stop. I've been down this road enough times. I am not a project for you Rina. I know what my shortcomings are and I am in no hurry to change them. I am in no need for love, I merely need someone to make heirs."

Ah, so he thought he could have something more than an arrangement with Sueko, but that isn't the reality. At that realization I leave him, only to find my husband waiting just outside the tent with his arms crossed.

"I told you to let him be." His eyebrow is raised and he looks displeased with me.

I lower my eyes as I take one of his arms and walk towards our tent. I mumble my words. "You were right."

There is a low laugh from him before he speaks. "I won't get used to that. I have a feeling that moving forward my new reality is that most people will think I am wrong in most of my decisions." I pat his arm as we walk.

Inside of our tent we lay on the futon while his hands rub my abdomen and he kisses my exposed belly. His breath is warm against my skin as he speaks to our child. "I love you. You're our miracle. I promise to love you and your mother with everything I have." His words make me smile, and make me suddenly crave the warmth of his lips on mine.

"Hide…" I softly speak his name. He brings his face up to see mine with an inquisitive look on his face. I reach for him and his questions are answered. His lips crash into mine full of excitement as he begins to move his hands up, between my sore breasts to my neck and pull me deeper into the kiss. He hums as his tongue finds entrance to my mouth and greets my own tongue with a swirl. When he separates from me his honeyed eyes are soft and his voice is warm. "Whatever reality is in front of us… I am glad I have you." His lips return to mine before I can return the sentiment.

The next day, parting from everyone felt more bitter than sweet, which I was not expecting. As Hideyoshi and I's party split off towards the lake near the hot springs that NobuHideRin first came together I realized that I am separating from the army that I fought beside for months, the army that helped me get my revenge, the army that still believes in us and the future we've fought for. It feels strange to be in a cart without Sueko. She would probably want to be talking about her upcoming wedding, which I may be able to listen to now that I know she isn't going into marriage with blind optimism.

As we grow further from the larger group and closer towards our own blind hope for bringing back Nobunaga my heart aches, unsure if what we are heading towards will bring me the reality I so desperately want. The two nights it takes us to get there are torture, and I know Hideyoshi is also feeling as nervous as I am. "What if we are wrong?" He asks on the last night. We should be there by late tomorrow morning, it's so close it feels like we can almost touch it.

I lift my head that had been resting on his chest and replace it with my hand. I don't know how to respond. We are glad to have each other, and at the same time… at the same time we miss him. We miss him enough to still whisper his name on each other's skin when we are on the brink of climax, as if they are prayers that we hope he hears, so he knows that he is not forgotten. Wherever he is, I desperately hope he hears those prayers. "If we are wrong…" I cannot bring myself to say more, to come up with another solution or path.

When we arrived to the lake I could the water and hear the humming bugs and singing birds for several minutes before the cart finally stops and Hideyoshi is already waiting for me at the door. We don't speak. We just walk, or in my case I waddle as fast as I can. I'm not nearly as fast as Hideyoshi though, and the walking is making me breath hard. I am on the cusp of asking to slow down to catch my breath when I am suddenly scooped up into his arms and he carries us the rest of the way. His urgency brings a chuckle that bubbles from my lips as he takes us over the bridge and under the shade of the gazebo. He sets me down, hands still resting on my hips, excited golden eyes on me, a smile threatening to appear over his expression. "Now what?" He asks breathlessly.

I turn to look out over the water. It's even more beautiful today than it had been when I was here with Nobunaga, the cherry blossoms are still blooming and the flowers seem so much more alive. Please be a sign, a sign that this place will bring him back to us. I grab one of the railings and lean out to see the Koi swimming by. "This is where he told me about his feelings for you. We had fought the day before…" Why did I waste any of the time we had together being angry with him?

"What did you fight about? Me?" Hideyoshi came behind me, wrapping his arms around and resting his hands on the swell of my abdomen.

"No. We fought about me wanting to kill Kenshin..." I huff at the irony of how everything has turned out. "And we fought about this." I pat the spot we both know where my brand is. "I waited to talk about you. After he said no to me about those two things I was too afraid he'd reject another proposal from me out of habit. So I waited until we were here."

We continued to talk about him on the gazebo. I didn't know what else to do… I don't have any prayers or sacrifices to make here, I only have memories.

Our men brought us our meals as we stayed on the gazebo until the sun was setting over the pond.

"I remember the first time I saw him painting." Hideyoshi spoke as the last light of the sun began to fade into darkness. "He was so talented…"

"Is." I correct while staring out over the water from where I am sitting. The moon is starting to get high and reflecting on the water.

After a moment of silence Hideyoshi sighs. "Rina—" I quickly turn to look at him with piercing eyes and he has to swallow before continuing. "We should get some rest."

"No. I will rest when he is back." I turn away from him again and back out over the water.

I don't turn as I hear him get up. "Let's go." He says softly. I don't respond. "I will carry you." He sounds more irritated now as he begins to approach me and I once again turn to him with even more ferocity.

"Hide!" I scream when he does as he said he would and picks me up off the ground.

"We will come back. Every day." He promises as I smack his chest and I stop at his words.

Every day. From sunrise to well past sunset we stay out there exchanging stories, not that I have nearly as many as Hideyoshi does. After the second day I ran out of stories to share, or so I thought, and so for three more days I listened to him talk about the man we love. When we started this he spoke with hope, but once I stopped sharing with him the stories turned reverent and soon the sparkles of hope dissipated from his eyes.

This is the sixth night. Most of our day has been spent in silence, just the sounds of the water being splashed by the fish and the usual sounds of bug and birds have filled most of the hours. The sun is low, the sky is bright orange with streaks of dark purple clouds beginning to build into a storm. When I breath I can smell the rain that approaches like the sinking of our reality.

"Rina—" I can tell he's speaking through a lump in his throat, trying to hold back any tears maybe, I don't know if he has shed any yet, because I haven't looked to him. My eyes are fixed on the water ahead of me as I watch the rain begin to hit the surface in the distance and move towards us and take a deep breath as the tears start to form in my eyes.

"I know…" Is all I can manage before the tears break through the weak damn I was trying to build. I wanted so badly to believe this would work; that if we came here and talked about everything we knew about him, he would somehow come back to us, that the phoenix had been able to pull something, anything off with the powers I had taken from the fox and the dragon.

Hideyoshi pulls me into his lap and while I cry against his chest I can feel his tears falling at an equal pace as mine. He has received letter after letter from Ieyasu over the last four days, asking when we will be heading back to Azuchi. He didn't answer any of them with anything other that to assure him that we are safe. We have to go back. He is the face of a unified Japan, and I am part of that image. Along with all of our responsibilities, our efforts seem to be useless.

My body begins shaking as the despair over Nobunaga begins to settle into my bones. He isn't coming back. He won't meet his child. His child will never know his face, not the real one, not the way it moves; the subtle lift in his eyes when he is humored or feels like being mischievous or the way every feature of his face softens when he sees something he thinks is beautiful or that he loves, the look I know he would have had on his face if he saw his child when he is born.

Hideyoshi's frame shakes with me, his head falling back as his sobs escape him when the rain begins to pound on the roof of the gazebo. All these months of comforting each other when we were on the battlefield are all I can hold on to in this moment of grief as I try to catch my breath, gasping and shuttering with every inhale and exhale. I have him. I have Hideyoshi to raise my child with and to love. I have the one other person in this world who will feel the same emptiness and longing that I do when it comes to this new reality.