Something Special

The days go in a blur. A festival was held to celebrate the end of the war, the unification of Japan, and the return of the emperor to Azuchi. Dancers precede us as I am carried through the town in an ornate open palanquin with sparkling beads, long green, red, and black fabrics and little bells, between the dancers and my place is Hideyoshi on the back of his horse. He sits with a proud and confident posture as we slowly made our way through our city. I tried to match him, I tried to look pleasant, but smiling was difficult, and eye contact with anyone throughout the entire day.

When we returned to the castle I asked to take my meal in the tenshu, and once he was satisfied that the baby and I were okay, and that handmaids would be with me, Hideyoshi allowed my retreat. I barely ate when the girls brought the meal. "My lady, I know these festivities are difficult…" Misayo, my most trusted handmaid has finally returned to me after spending time with her family during the war to mourn the loss of her brother. She sounds weary of me already, and I should care, but I don't. She continues speaking as I begin to undress for bed. "For the sake of the baby— you should eat some more…"

My back was to her when I turned to shoot a glare at her over my shoulder like an arrow. "For the sake of my child…" I repeat in a whisper as I turn around to face her. "You think a little more food will help him? Will it ensure a healthy delivery? A happy childhood? Strength when we send him away to train and fight? Will a little more food tonight bring him everything he needs?" I am shaking, fists are clenched as I stand facing her and she does not show any signs of intimidation, unlike the other two girls in the room who have crossed and grabbed their arms. "Tell me Misayo, will it bring back his father?" She takes a sharp inhale.

"No." She states, a slight pain in her word.

I turn away again and quickly undo the gold and black robes I was made to wear for the festival. The other two girls quickly dress me in a black night robe. "I am going to sleep then."

Misayo sounds stunned. "You won't wait for the lord?"

I crawl into the futon, pulling the blankets over me, pulling pillows between my legs, under the side of my belly and pull another to my chest. "No." I hum before settling into the blankets.

These months pass in a blur, I live in a haze as the weather turns and cools. I hardly remember Sueko and Masamune's wedding. I granted every one of their wishes, making sure it was ornate, elaborate, and as full as possible. I was there, I ate with them, but I don't feel grounded enough to remember the details until we sent them off to their own lands to rule.

I held her tightly, she had visited me every day in the tenshu, climbing all of those steps even as her belly grew and her lungs compressed. She was one of the few people keeping me hardly anchored to sanity, and then she left. With happy tears as she waved from inside of her palanquin, she left like some of the first leaves of fall when the winds carry it away from it's branch.

The days dragged on. I filled most of them hidden in the tenshu, drawing and painting, mostly Nobunaga… sometimes it was his eyes, other times his lips. I cannot seem to put all of the separate pieces together though to make a whole face. It's the same with his body. I can paint his hands in some detail, the scar on his chest from his brother, the strong muscles over his shoulders and upper arms, but never the whole being.

Hideyoshi is on his own journey of grief alongside my own. He pours himself into his new role. There are nights he returns to me, sake still on his breath, attempting to swallow our grief whole. There are other nights he does not return at all, the bed stays cold in his place. I asked him about it after the second time. "Walking." Was the only answer I have been given. It wasn't until a month passed and his absences from our bed increased in frequency that I began to ask the servants and staff. Misayo is the one to bring me the answer I trusted the most. "He— has been interviewing…" She swallows hard. Her pause allowed my mind to wander and fill in the gaps. My words are a solemn whisper. "A second wife…"

"No!" She blurts out. My furrowed brows and frustrated glare encourage her to speak quickly. "He's been interviewing those who practice in the dark arts…"

My whisper now is still solemn, however there is a hint of approval. "Nobu—"

"Mn" She nods. "He stays up late in the audience hall, interviewing, rereading notes from interviews, reading the books and scrolls some have brought him, he stays up so late he passes out at the table. His men carry him sleeping to the closest room that has been set up with a futon for him to rest more comfortably."

Over these months my belly has swelled and stretched my abdomen further than I thought possible. The added weight brings new pains as my joints have also began to loosen. Nightly I receive careful massages from my ladies before going to sleep, alone most nights.

It is a rare night. Just as I was getting ready to drop my robes and lay down for my massage the door into the tenshu slides open and with his kind voice Hideyoshi tiredly excuses the ladies for the night. I hear him and Misayo discussing something before his voice continues with some joy in it. "Thank you. I will be careful with her."

With that I jerk to see my handmaiden slip out of the room. "I am not fragile."

He chuckles lightly. "No, you most certainly not. Misayo was only instructing me on where to avoid while I give you your massage tonight."

I huff and quickly uncover myself and position the pillows around me to be comfortable. I heard him take in a sharp inhale when I disrobed. He waited for me to settle before coming to my side, his warm hands begin to press and knead at my lower back and hips when he speaks in a low and sad tone. "You… you have changed so much these last couple of months… forgive me…"

I try to look back at him, and have to settle with looking to the side. "For what exactly? For not laying with me up here, sleeping and mourning all day… or for your nightly searches that have kept you away from me?" His hands continue pressing and moving up my back.

"So you forgive me." He states when I turn back to the futon. A low, pleased, hum into the futon escapes me from the comfort of his massage. "Is this helping?" He asks and I nod my head.

He works slowly across my back and my hips in silence, the only sounds in the room are the occasional hums and soft moans from the relief he is bringing me as my body begins to heat up. Steadily my temperature climbs and speeds through my body and I ask him to stop when the tightening I had felt before takes hold "Call the women back in…" I groan when the second wave of tightening releases.

"Is everything okay?" He asks.

"CALL THE WOMEN NOW!" I command with little to no kindness. "I think it's time. You should leave too."

He quickly gets up to summon the assistance I will need, and he returned to find me on all fours trying to breath steadily as I wait for the next session. He presses his palms into my hips again and when I angrily grunt at him he responds sternly. "I won't be leaving your side."

I groan. "What is it with the men I love and their insistence to be where they are not needed…"

The waves of pain come and go throughout the night. Everyone attending to my health keeps me hydrated and fed throughout the night, encouraging me to sleep when I can. The little sleep I do get, with Hideyoshi close behind me, rubbing circles on my lower back, it never feels like enough rest.

The early morning continues in the same way until a few hours after everyone's first meal. A gush of fluids spill out of me and it was as if a switch is flipped. My body switches from hot to cold, There are moments when all I want to do is pace around, and then the waves hit me and I am clinging on to whatever structure, be it a pillar or my husband, reminded constantly to not hold my breath.

At some point Ieyasu came to check on me, bringing a basket of teas, salves, and tinctures. After witnessing two waves of pain wash through me and speaking to the attendants in hushed tones, he speaks in a blank tone, trying to hide the pleasure at my pain that I can see in his eyes. "From what I have observed, and what Misayo tells me, the child should emerge by the end of today."

I speak, irritated, tired, exasperated. "The end of the day?! You mean this could keep going all day?!"

Ieyasu huffs at me. "For all I know it could continue through the night again. You just seem to be progressing now, but you can always stall… knowing you and the father of this child… I doubt it will take that much longer though." He rolls his eyes. When he notices that Hideyoshi has been up all night with us he huffs again. "You shouldn't be in here… it's not something an untrained man needs to see."

I look at my husband with a humored smirk, I was right. Hideyoshi lets a single unhumored "ha" escape him before speaking very clearly. "Nothing is going to pull me away from her. Not even her protests. Have you forgotten where I grew up before Nobunaga found me? I've seen women give birth. I've caught children in an orchard when their master refused to let them labor in their own rooms during the harvest. I'm not going anywhere. I'm catching our child, I will always have his back."

"Oooh!" I groan, a low guttural sound that pulls everyone's attention to me. Their focus turns to mild concern and when I come through the wave I demand to be told why they looked that way.

Misa yo smiles calmly, I want to punch her. "It's only some blood."

I roll my eyes as I begin to speak."Oh. I see. Stop with the worried looks. Ooh aah— blood is— mmmm— nooorrrrmal!" This wave came as soon as it's predecessor ceased. It's time.

There is a flurry of activity as I move to my hands and knees facing Hideyoshi. My face is red and sweat drops from my brow. "Stay with me." I pant.

"Always" he whispers and presses his cool lips to my forehead.

He does everything he promised. He stays with me through every push, as I grips his forearms tight enough to leave bruises each time, whispering encouragements while I try to breath.

"Move." I moan as another push approaches. When he doesn't move I look up at him with fierce eyes. "Catch him!" Hideyoshi Toyotomi stays true to his word and catches our son, just in the nick of time.

I can hear them behind me as they clean him off and wait patiently for the fist cries. I haven't seen my child's face yet, but his cries are victorious and enraged, the most beautiful sound I've ever heard. "He sounds like his father." I cry, I'm an emotional catastrophe in this moment.

"He looks like him too." Hideyoshi remarks through happy tears.

We settle quickly into the futon once all of the blankets have been replaced. It takes some time and effort for my child and I to connect for a proper first feed, but when we do find a position that suits both of us he is a strong eater. "He does look like him…" I muse as a thumb brushes the side of the nursing baby's face.

"What are we to call him?" Hideyoahi asks. His arm is wrapped behind me, fingers stroking my upper arm.

There is some silence as I ponder his question until I land on the name I prefer. "Nobuyoshi."

His breath caught for a moment. "Are… are you sure? Nobukatsu might be more appropriate…"

"He's yours too… you should be represented in his name. Whatever the three of us were was something-- special, therefore our child should also be named something different. Nobuyoshi sounds better than Hidenaga, don't you think?"

He chuckles, the shaking disturbs the nursing baby who pulls away and grunts before rutting around to find his teat again and begin furiously nursing. I have a hard time stifling my own laughter as I turn to look at my husband. "How dare you disturb the young lord from his feast?"

"My apologies Nobuyoshi." He hums his words while rubbing the back of our baby's head.