Chapter 6: Messed Up

"Being True is more free than being fake"

A very kind and soft person she was. She always makes my heart skip a beat every time I saw her smile so flawless. I really can't hold up a deep feeling of love. This was my first time falling in love. Should I talk to her,should I approach her or should I stay still. My mind is rather messed up. I even get dizzy thinking of those stuffs. I decided to stop holding my feelings up anymore. I'll try to get our gap closer and our distance nearer. But how?... My mind was lost alone in a desert where none exist. It was a total blackout thinking how to get closer. Then a very stupid creature crossed my mind. Yeah... Kyle, maybe I'll ask him though I hate to but I have no other choice. Besides he also said I should go to him and he'll help me. He even said he's an expert at love life.

"Uhm Kyle..." I said with a doubt.

"Hugh?... What is it Harres?" Kyle asked.

"Uhm can I ask?" I said with a doubt again.

"Sure, what is it?"he said.

"Uhm... Ah... Eh... How should I... Approach a girl I like," I asked shyly.

"Haha...really Harres?...haha," damn it he laughed at me. That's why I was doubting on asking this from him.

"Tsss forget it!" I said with a rather annoyed voice.

"Wait Harres I'm just joking come on!" Kyle said seriously,"sheesh you're so hot headed."

"Don't worry bro I'll help you out," he said with a sarcastic smile.

"Okay then...but how?" I asked.

"First is that you should muster up some courage and talk to her casually," Kyle said.

"I already tried but I was too shy," I said looking down.

"Then try again... Again... And again until you can," Kyle adviced.

"You make it sound like it's that easy,"I said lamely.

"Oh come on don't be like that Harres. It really will be easy if you won't give up. It would be better if you start doing it now or regret later," Kyle said seriously.

"Okay Kyle... Guess I'll look for an opportunity to get closer to her," I said lamely.

"Don't wait for the opportunity Harres. Instead of waiting create it! Create an opportunity," he said kindly.

Hearing what he said really fired me up. I was always relying on luck and opportunities. I didn't really tried to or even did my best to do something I want and something I like. The day after that I tried to talk to her. I always start it by teasing her the same thing her friends tease her and when the mood is up I'd try to get closer to her. I can smell her scent and I was able to stare at her at a nearer distance. But still... Everytime I tried to talk I always get nervous and my voice starts to tremble like a robot. It's been like that for almost two weeks now. Then I decided to set aside my shyness away and be more confident. I tried it for almost two days now and I feel that I am now getting closer and closer to her. Since I still hadn't had the courage to talk to her casually. I decided to ask her number. I was able to text her Everytime now. She always replied to my messages real quick too. I can talk about many casual things to her now without being shy. I'd bring out topic about academics and ask her things about her life. I even text her jokes and stuffs that's really funny. I can even tell her anything freely. I can comfort her when she's down and give advice. Though I can't still tell her my feelings and every emotions that is deep within me. I was really glad she replied to my messages Everytime. I can talk to her to my smartphone with everything but... I think our distance became farther away. I was more shy now to talk to her personally and I always think that I'll just text her later. Whenever we meet I'd be shy just by even greeting her. Because of that I decided to lessen or chat on the phone and I'll try to get to her closer and bring back our close distance. I started it again with a tease all though I know she also became shy to me. She even tried to avoid me one time. But still I kept on pestering her and made her mad at me. That way I can liven things up and destroy this stupid shyness. Also I love it when she make that angry face. She is really cute at it. I was able to bring our distance closer and closer. I was able to talk to her casually in personal. I wasn't nervous anymore. Besides the shyness I was feeling back then turned to joy Everytime I'm near her. It's like every cell in my body is happy. I'm still hoping I can confess my feelings to her now. But I can't rush things up. I need more time to get closer to her. Besides I'm still happy with what we are now.

It was a cold and windy morning. The sky is gloomy today. It feels as if a disaster is coming. I was early again today to clean the classroom but really the truth is that's just my excuse. Excuse to see Shana and talk to her early today. I'd be shy if I will talk to her when her friends are around. I was about to go inside when I heard the girls in front gossiping. I hid myself at the wall beside the door and hear them out. Wait! Don't think that I'm also a gossip okay, it's just that I heard my name from their chitchats. When I listened to them more carefully I can hear them talking about a their friend's crush and they kept on mentioning my name. I though I misunderstood what they were talking about or maybe it's fake because who would like a boring and unwanted person like me. Until I got discovered peeking on their chitchats.

"Hey Harres! We're you listening to us?" The girl who grabbed my hand asked scarily.

"Uhm... Ah no... I wasn't," I said trembling.

"Eh really?... Uhm okay then since you are here allready and I know you heard us let us tell you the truth." They said excitedly.

"Uhm what is it?" I asked nervously.

"Harres someone in class has a crush on you," they said bluntly.

"Uhm you shouldn't be saying things like that you know," I said lamely.

"Oh come on Harres. Don't be like that," the girl who grabbed me said. "Do you wanna know who?"

"Not really and I have to go now," I said lamely shy.

"She is cute you know," she said again.

At first I hoped it was Shana. Pretty weird right me fantasising about her. After just a while Lyca came and stopped her friends.

"Oh Lyca you're prince is here!"they teased her. I can see her face really turned red and shy. I told here friends to just shut up and went to my seat shyly. Lyca was cute she was kind too but I can't feel any affection towards her. But I was the only one who knew about this feeling and everything. Lyca really did get closer to me and our classmates tease us also like we we're in a relationship but really I can only see her as my friend. But I'm too afraid to tell her about the truth on how I really feel about. I might just her. They even tease me like I also liked her but I can't really bring myself to say I don't. I think they've been teasing me that for almost 3 months now. Lyca even got closer to me. She talks with me sometimes and even made me blush. But still no matter what I can't feel any affection to her. Maybe I should tell her the truth that I only think of her as my friend but I don't also wanna hurt her feelings because she is my friend. It's really messed up now. My mind and everything. Even Kyle believed them and he also teases me that Everytime we met. Kyle thought that I had given up on Shana  that I moved on to another girl. Untill just lat week I told him what really was happening. I was glad he understands me but I can't really take his advice to just reject Lyca straight. I mean that would be heartless of me.

"Hey Harres... You should tell the truth allready," Kyle said to me with a serious tone. By the way I'm with Kyle today at the shed on our school while waiting for recess time to be over.

"Kyle stop it! I can't really do that to a dear friend," I replied seriously.

"Then when will you stop faking things up?" He asked with a serious voice.

"I'll wait for a good opportunity to tell her," I said.

"That opportunity won't be coming Harres. Things will just go more uncontrollable," he said with a bit of angry voice.

"But I really can't do something like that!" I said with a very messed up face and confused mind. My brain is not working properly.

"Okay then Harres... We're you able to get closer to Shana since this lie happened," he asked a bit mad again.

"Uhm I don't know... I can't get closer to her now personally. I can only talk to her trough my smartphone. She also thinks that what they're teasing me is true. And she thinks I also like Lyca. I can't even approach her now. Cause Everytime I do our classmates tease me back again to Lyca. I can't afford to get close to her. Even her friends talk about me and Lyca as loved ones in front of her," I said with a lame and pale voice.

"Oh so then Harres... You get the situation now right? It's either you stop pretending and tell the truth to Lyca before she falls deeper and deeper to you or keep on pretending and you will lose Shana. The decisions up to you now Harres," Kyle said so seriously.

"Kyle... Lyca got closer to me and she's my best friend now too. I don't want to hurt her but neither do I want to lose the one I really like... I don't know Kyle... My mind is messed up," I said with a trembling confused voice.

"Harres... I know Lyca will understand what you will say to her... Besides you said she likes you and she is your best friend. So rather than keeping her hopes up, it's better if you reject her kindly. Explain to her bit by bit. Stop being a fake and start being true will yah," Kyle seriously advice me.

"It's up to you to decide now Harres, but make sure that you won't regret any decisions you will make. I'll smack you if you will," Kyle said with a threatening voice again. I didn't say anything. I kept silently confused on what to do with this messy situation.

The bell rang and Kyle leaved me from the shed to make me realise everything. And to make me realise what I should do. Graduation is near again. I don't have enough more time to make up with Shana again. I should do something now. I won't be seeing her after the end of my second year and I need to wait for next year again even I'm not sure if we will still see each other next year. I need to fix myself up now. I don't want any regrets after this year. I need to do something.