The Divorce

We filed the lawsuit and then went home. He locked himself in the study and I gathered what I would take with me. 3 bags of clothes and my trinkets stored in the bath. The Prius didn't fill up properly. I only took two mugs from the kitchen. Those were mother's day gifts, and left everything else. I waited for the boys to come home and exchange a few words with them.

I didn't have to sit at the kitchen table for long, my sons came into the house amid loud flapping. When they saw me, they stopped in front of me in embarrassment.

"Darlings!"

I hugged them with teary eyes.

"Mom is now moving in with grandma for a while, but you can call me by phone anytime and if you miss me, it will only cost you a word and I will come to you!"

I didn't bring anything up about them siding with the lover, I didn't want us to drift even further apart because of the stupidity of the adults.

"Stop acting like a martyr!"

Alex said. I have taken two steps back from this statement.

"Yeah, why are you crying? If you would have taken care of us and Dad properly, then you wouldn't be a divorcee now!"

Adrian contrasted.

"Is that the reason why you chose your Dad?"

"You don't even know us… because you bought some stuff sometimes, doesn't mean you did buy our love. Would you expect us to suffer with you? Mili is a great woman and nice to us… and loves dad much more than you!"

"This… keep your tears and just take care of yourself, as you have done so far, we will be raised by Dad, as he had done so far!"

"Boys!"

Then Kevin came out of the study and slapped the kids faces. I had never seen him ever hit them.

"This is your fault too!"

Alex touched his reddish cheek.

"I hate you!"

Adrian shouted and they ran upstairs.

"Come off immediately to apologize!"

My husband shouted after them and when there was no answer he wanted to go after them, but I grabbed his arm.

"Let them be."

"But they misunderstood everything, don't be angry… I… I didn't know they thought this way, it wasn't my intention to hurt you like this. I seriously don't know where they got this much bullshit from!"

He explained.

"At least… now I know where I made a mistake."

I smiled at him bitterly with tears in my eyes, then grabbed the car key. "

"I'll see you at the trial."

Then walked out of the house.

In 32 years, my mother had never raised a hand for me, now she hit me as long as her hand stand it. The old hag was in good shape because my back was completely numb from the many hacks.

"How could you have done that, after you forced yourself on that unfortunate boy?! You should have treated him well so he wouldn't want to leave!"

"I'm sorry."

"And what if he don't let us see our grandchildren !?"

"They come over every weekends as usual, don't worry… Kevin isn't like that."

Eventually, Kevin had to call my parents and tell them with his own mouth that they could see the kids anytime.

"If you think we won't go to them because of you, or we'll hate the new woman, you're wrong! I consider Kevin more like my child than you, who just brought us pain and shame!"

I heard those sentences almost every time I met them in the house.

Family fire pit, as I mentioned. Although I don't know what was so much pain or shame that I caused for them. I sign up to actually get pregnant at the age of 18 from someone I've been dating for 1 month… really pretty embarrassing … but I finished school, I had a cool job… so far… and I also bought a nice house and car. True… I visited my parents 4 times a year, but the boys and Kevin went almost every weekend… fact, if there was a problem Kevin could be better expected, since he was at home, it was easier for him to move, than me, who was working on an event at God knows where… but if they don't understand that, then I am very sorry.

No one here seems to have noticed that the time I didn't spent with them I spent on earning money, so they can have a better life… it seems like I wanted to give them everything ... but in the end, the good deed eventually made me a bad mother, a bad wife, and a bad child.

I'm sorry… if I found out in time .. but who would have thought that the boys thought I wasn't dealing with them because they weren't important? I have always had the belief that they know and support my work because they know I was working so hard for them.

As I lay down in my old room on the bed I remembered something…

When Kevin's grandma was lying on her deathbed 8 years ago, she called me in. It was then that I learned that it wasn't really in my husband's mind to marry me. He wanted an abortion, but under the pressure of her grandmother, it became a wedding. She repeated many times to forgive her for forcing him into the situation, but she still wanted to hold his great-grandsons in her hands… if Kevin ever left, I should rather hate her. How could I have hated the dear granny when I have just generated the whole situation with my selfish love.

The next day Kevin called to make sure he talked to the boys. He has cleared up the misunderstanding and they will call me twice a week or visit me every weekend.

"I appreciate what you did for me, but don't force anything on them. Instead of the awkward automatic phone calls, I'd rather have them look for me when they miss me."

The next few weeks passed soon. I traveled on Levi's advice, took a little vacation. I was at several famous baths for a few days, which greatly improved my health. I cried a lot, but at least the anxiety and cramps were gone. I really should have listened to the doctor sooner… maybe that degree wasn't just an ornament on the wall…

The boys mostly called me when they needed money or something… At those times they even asked me if I was doing fine. Luckily they couldn't miss the lunches at granny's house, so I also saw them on Sundays at every two weeks.

Finally, the day of the trial came. Fortunately, everything went smoothly, so the divorce procedure was completed in 3 months.

After my parents went over to celebrate Mili's move into the house, I no longer saw the point in dragging the subject of the apartment further. Luckily, one of Ani's acquaintances went abroad to work for 3 years, so I was able to take possession of her apartment at a very reasonable price. However, with this pull, the number of personal encounters was further reduced. Maybe a month ago Alex called me to get him a new Iphone… worth barely 200,000 HUF… and when I said I unfortunately don't have the money for it, he just simply ended the call. They haven't looked for me since then.

So yes. I repent. Everything. I hate myself for even thinking about, how my life would be if my kids weren't born… if I didn't go to Kevin… I wish I could start all over again… I wish I had a second chance… where I'm the one who raises the kids, where my husband tells me that he loves me every single day… where I am happy too.