TBBM XLIII. How To Move On

I watched his silver car vanish into the fading day light. It was not so me to go out touching his face like that but I was glad I did. At least I knew he was going to be okay. i would've regretted it if I left his car without really knowing.

Mary and Pat---the other housekeeper---walked me into his room. I still remembered the first day I set foot here. The house boasted high ceilings and wide spaces. But it stood almost constantly empty.

It came as a surprise to lay my eyes on a table by the bedside with snacks readily served. They said that Red had asked for them. I wondered why that was. I wondered what happened today.

I stayed on his bed, waiting idly for a while. But I got bored so I focused my attention to do schoolworks instead. I was doing well for over two hours but as I got to Maths, already tired, chasms formed into my line of thinking causing some unsettling thoughts to seep through my conscious mind.

You were cool earlier.

You were cool earlier.

You were cool earlier.

I tried to fight it but that only made me remember his face even more. I surrendered and dropped flat on my back on his bed.

"Why does it make me nervous?" I sighed.

Right then, I found myself pondering on the very reason why I ended up here---the laptop! At this rate, I doubted that Red would lie to me about it. I could not contain my excitement anticipating what it'd look like so I jumped on in search of it.

I searched his dresser.

None.

I searched his side cabinets.

None.

I searched on the table drawers.

None.

I searched near the couch.

N---

"Yes, Hicks?"

"R-Red!" I fell on the floor, surprised.

"Trying to steal something?" he walked towards the couch as he removed his jacket. The black sando shirt he wore looked wet. His hair was wet, too. It was strange that he could smile. "Other than me, what else here do you want?"

"Confidence," I rolled my eyes.

"You're welcome," he made face.

"I was looking for my laptop."

"Not yet." he smiled again. "Not until we're done with my video."

"Y-you seem better now," I looked down.

"Hmmm..." his lip puckered.

"You're all wet. Did you shower? Or is that rain?"

"Mix," he removed his sando shirt and lied on the bed.

It took me a while to digest that. He just took off his clothes casually in front of me. He was only wearing jogging pants. I had seen him do that a few times but I wondered where his confidence was coming from.

"Don't you think you're too comfortable going topless in my presence? I looked away.

"I sleep like this," he breathed. "Why? Do you get butterflies in your stomach when I do?"

I ignored his question. Frankly, yes. I thought he was right. I thought I was getting flutters in my stomach. Somewhat, it was making me giddy. But I was probably just overwhelmed each time.

"I thought we're doing your video?" I went near him. "How can I go home when you're sleeping like that?"

"Stay, Hicks. Don't leave," he yawned. "My limbs felt sore."

"Sore?" I checked his arms. He had big muscular arms.

"You've no idea how heavy I lifted today," he grinned, almost without joy. Then he grabbed me to his side. "Come here."

He pulled me to the bed, next to him. He said he felt sore but he was still very strong. He smelled really good, too. It made me nervous. I didn't normally do things like this but I was already comfortable with him. I guessed.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

"Say something, Hicks," he ordered. We were staring in his ceiling just like the first time.

I stayed quiet for a long time; thinking of what to say. I was wondering if I could ask him really.

"Why… earlier you were---"

"Stephie ties the knots with Mike today," he cut me.

My heart sank. Why did I not think of that earlier? Why else would he be sad? Why else would he cry like that? It must be especially difficult for him. I couldn't find any word to say.

A long streak of silence ensued. We could only hear our breathing. It rained again, providing music to his sorrow and company to the words he'd never say.

"I won't judge you..." my voice broke as I sat up. "If you want to cry."

"That means allot to me," his face showed occasional pain despite his smile. He pinned me back down with his right arm, embracing me as he lied on his stomach and hid his face on the pillow. "Let me sleep this off. I'm buggered."

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

He was practically embracing me as he slept. I struggled to keep up with my breathing.

"You need to hold me down like this as you sleep?"

"Yeah. You might run off with my father's present so..."

"Don't you think we should not be doing this?" I cleared my throat. "I mean---"

"Do what? I'm just sleeping?" he spoke, muffled.

"I'm a girl. Don't forget. A boy should not be doing… this … uh, to a girl."

"Course you are a girl," he chuckled. "Do you seriously think I'd do this with a boy?"

"Why then?"

"What why?"

"Nevermind," I rested my case. "We're just too close, I guess. Are you like this with other girls, too?"

"Nah. I like it when I'm really this close to you. I hardly ever let anyone in my room. You're lucky I want you here."

"You make it sound like I'm indebted to you---"

"I'm sad, Hicks. Don't leave me."

"Red," I caressed the back of his head. I wanted to take away his pain.

"I feel better when you're here. I like it when I bother you."

I wanted to tell him that I liked it, too. But I wasn't sure why I did like it. He was acting like a wounded toddler, finding refuge in his mom's presence while he pretended that it didn't hurt. I rested my head near his, and tapped on his back lightly as I hummed to a lullaby.

+++

We woke up at midnight. I liked the smell of his skin. I kept remembering it even to my sleep.

"Hicks, help me with my video," he whispered, looking at me. "It's late."

"Okay. Master," I obliged.

"It's sexy when you say it---"

"Say what?"

"Master, Master," he copied my expressions. He looked annoying.

"I don't say it like that," I hit him.

I started munching on a sachet of roasted nuts I found at the pocket of my bag. I sat up.

"Where's this from?" he took the pack of nuts from my hands gently.

"Roma's car. I kinda stole it---no, I took it first then asked permission a minute later."

"Disgusting," he teased then ate a handful. He took too much to fit in his mouth in one go. "No. No. It can't fall on the mattress. Hicks, help me!"

He looked really obsessed with not missing anything.

"I got this side," I helped him, focusing on the lower half of the bed. "Take the pillow away."

"Okay. See if there is any under the comforter, too."

"Yeah. I found a few."

"Nothing's left here," he turned to me as I was fixing the covers. Our faces were very close. "H-Hicks... give it to me. I'll throw it away."

Dub dub. Dub dub.

I thought I lost my voice as my heart raced.

"Uh..." I stepped back then sat down. "What throw? It's not dirty."

"You'll still eat this?" he gaped in disbelief.

"What's wrong? They're not dirty," I protested.

"Geez," he shrieked. "Fine. Fine. Say aaah..."

I opened my mouth but he put all of it in my mouth at once. I choked. He seemed really pleased, laughing as he tapped my back.

"Red!" I whined. "You're annoying."

"You're cute when you're annoyed," he smirked. "Feisty. Hang on, I always wanted to ask you this. But I just had no chance."

"Hmmm?"

"How can you be all feisty and argumentative with me, but not with others? You just let them bully you," he asked, really serious.

"Uh…" as I thought of it even more, he was right. I wondered when it all started. How did I end up this comfortable with him enough to entertain arguments, when I usually just stayed away from it if it were other people? "I don't know."

"Or… maybe because you like me," he chuckled.

He was too confident. I rolled my eyes at him.

"My turn," I shoved the nuts on my palms straight to his mouth. "Eat all this---"

"Hickey! You're awful," he complained, barely audibly, as he munched on them. His hands were stronger than mine, he easily nabbed some of it and pushed them over to my mouth.

We went on fighting like that for minutes. He was a competitive guy and I could feel his passion in winning even in this play fight. I would have complained about it but seeing him snicker like that made me equally happy. When we were getting louder, he covered my mouth so we would not be heard.

"Alright. Alright. I'll stop," he locked my head in his arms from behind. He rested his face next to me. "I'm so glad you're here with me, Hickey."

It startled me when he did.

"Why are you being so touchy today? You're acting like a kid, too," I murmured.

"You somehow distract me from sadness. Can you just live here with me?" he spoke lowly, seriously.

"What?" I broke free. "My mother raised me to be a proper girl, you know?"

"Well... can you at least just be with me always until I feel better?"

"Come on!" I hit him on the shoulder. "How old are you? Do you really have to succumb to the pain all the time? Others have bigger problems than just an unrequited love, you know? And look, they live anyway."

"Like you?" his face turned serious.

"Like people born in the wrong bodies. People who had to be hurt all the time only because the society disapproves of their true selves. Yeah," I nodded. "You're much more fortunate than you think."

He was quiet for a long time.

+++

He steadied his camera on a tripod as he tried to film his instructional video. We went on several takes on several topics like how to do a necktie, how to fancy-tie shoelaces, how to drive a car, how to do a brush up hair style, how to perform a channel scan, how to play a guitar, and many more. But nothing seemed to fit him well. It was either very easy for a video or too complicated to do in a single take.

It was two in the morning when I thought of something.

"I've an idea!" I screamed.

"What?" he asked, uninterested.

I took a pen and a paper and scribbled my thoughts clearly in order before I made him read it.

How to Move On?