TBBM L. Memories Worth Forgetting

SECOND PLACE.

When I first stood up that stage two years ago, I was very different. I wore glasses. My hair was the weird kind of kinky. I spoke rather more indecisively. I ducked my face allot. I didn't stand up straight. I took out all of my life's sufferings on my birthmark. I was never confident.

Today, I took the same stage, but, it felt like me watching the new version of myself taking charge of things the old me would never have been able to handle. I stood there, bravely inviting all attention on me and my team, beaming back with a soft, confident composure.

The old gauche me had died. I was no longer any bit of that old self.

At a point of retrospection, I looked back and wondered where it all began. I looked back in time looking for what had changed; for what had caused me to arrive this far. I wandered off in my reverie until I saw his face waiting for me at the exit: RED.

Yes. Allot had changed since he came. He stirred my unlucky yet rather more peaceful life back then and joined me through all my troubles. I didn't realise until now that he already meant allot to me.

"I'll drive you home," Red said as he grabbed me by the right wrist.

"No! She's riding with me," James grabbed me on the left and took my things. "Let me have your bag, Jap."

I didn't realise James was there. He and Red never really had prior altercations---or so because they tried not to.

"Look, mate," Red argued. "I asked permission from Mother to let her stay with me yesterday. I feel responsible to take her back home---"

Mother? He still called my Mother that way.

"For the record, I don't really like to be your 'mate'," James made face. "Thanks for your sense of responsibility but Jap is coming with me. I'll drive her and Mom back home."

Mom? James claimed my mother as his, too.

I looked up to see my mother and Roma watching the two controvert in confusion.

It looked like Red and James were going to claw each other's eyes out. I knew Red for being angry with me allot, but I'd never seen him really argue with other people. He just did as he pleased regardless other people's opinions about it. On the other hand, I'd never really seen James argue like this in person either---he was rather the more peace-loving guy.

"Mother. She likes me better, mate," Red tapped James on the shoulder. "She's riding home with me. I got this."

"Did you even get permission to call her Mother? Don't you think you're going overboard? I've known them for years now---"

"Of course," Red snapped. "Mother treats me as his own son. I text her allot."

Text? I threw my mother an interrogating glance. She rolled her eyes.

I left them while they bickered like hens, trying to determine who was more competent than the other. Roma started her car and I and my mother jumped in.

"Sons!" my mother hollered. "Follow us home. I'll cook for you!"

My mother took Roma's passenger seat as they wasted no time jovially chatting about our win. It was my first time winning a competition like this so it felt unusual---nauseating, even. I used to win in quiz bees or essay writing or journalism before, but nothing like this that required custom uniforms and hair and make up. Also, as parents normally didn't get to see awarding ceremonies for the type of contests I joined, my mother had never really experienced coming home, fresh from the win, to celebrate with my classmates. I couldn't blame her for behaving the way she did.

Behind us trailed Red's silver car and James' black car. I could see the wind brushing through Red's hair while his mouth moved. He and James were still arguing like kids as they drove behind us.

I lowered my face, annoyed at what they were doing. Why were they fighting over who would drive me home? It was so weird but my heart was even weirder. It started to throb really fast again and I had no idea who made it run crazy like that: was it Red or was it James?

+++

It looked like my mother pulled out all the food she prepared for the food stall and cooked it that night. Everyone was so happy. My mother over excitedly told them stories and served them with even more food after they finished their plates. I hadn't been paying attention much as I was exhausted but as I saw it, she probably missed having someone to eat and chat with at home. I had been staying out late or away from home allot lately. I felt guilty leaving her alone too much.

On the other hand, not only my mother was acting weird. I'd been catching Red and James exchanging threatening glances every now and then. I wanted to stop them but I just really felt tired. Too much attention wore me out easily.

+++

I woke up feeling dead beaten the day following. I tried to sit up straight as I knew I had to get ready eventually. I had a remedial class to lead today for the out-of-school youth. But my body kept telling me to get even more rest.

My inbox exploded with congratulatory messages but my favourite among which were on the top of the list: Red and James.

"Half awake now," I messaged James back.

He called me up a few minutes later.

"Jap..." he began. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," I smiled faintly. "Still about completely tired."

"Yeah. You looked all tapped out last night. You should rest more---"

"Also, tired because my Jim-jim focused on arguing with Red the whole time last night than actually minding me. You two were acting like kids---"

"Because he drags you around like some property, Jap. I hate it," his voice escalated.

"You even argued while driving. That was not safe."

"I know. I'm sorry," he spoke beneath his breath. "But, how come he gets to call our mom, 'Mother'? Why's he suddenly acting close to her?"

"You don't like him for a brother, do you?" I half-laughed. "I wondered how he charmed my mother, too. But last night, I realised how she could be craving company so I thought having two sons was good for her."

"I don't completely agree but if you say so..."

"I miss you, Jim," I whispered.

"I miss you, too," he smiled. "What time are you leaving for your volunteer work? Don't forget about us later today, okay?"

"I don't know. I'm really tired," I yawned. "I felt like I've exhausted a week-long supply of energy yesterday."

"I'll do it, then," he said resolutely. "Just go take your rest and be ready to come here later. I'll take over your class."

"You'll do that... for me?" my stomach felt tickled by his thoughtfulness.

"Yeah. Send me some pointers."

"What will I do without you?" I wondered breathlessly.

I fell asleep for another good hour but my phone kept buzzing, waking me up. Red. I forgot to respond to him. The clock was high up in ten while the clouds covered the sky in thin spreads. It was late in the morning. He probably thought I was ignoring him.

"What?" I picked up the phone.

"You're supposed to greet me with, 'Good morning!' you know?"

"Good morning, my handsome master," I obliged, whispering under the covers.

"What? I didn't hear you---"

"Good morning, my handsome, competent, swoon-worthy master---"

"Again. I didn't hear you---"

I dropped his call when I knew he was starting to get full of himself. He rang me again.

"You're really rude," he scolded. "I can't believe myself reaching out to you---"

"Thank you, Red. Last night, I realised, I only achieved all these because you were there..." I opened up sincerely.

He stopped talking.

"I realised that while you constantly annoyed me, bothered me, pulled tricks on me... and while sometimes I wished you just disappeared because you made me cry, I realised you had been supporting me, protecting me even. But I never got to thank you. I would've said this in person but you kept fighting with James last night. It's so annoying."

"Hicks..."

"This journey... my journey to living as authentically as possible would be so much harder if I didn't cross paths with you," I was suddenly emotional. "So, thank you. And uhm, I really don't mind you calling my mother, 'mother,' too. I thought she liked it---I'm sorry. Why am I crying?"

"Hey... Don't cry anymore," he coughed, sounding really masculine. "You make me feel like rushing there to stop you from crying."

I stopped babbling nonsense as I dried my tears. This was probably just my hormones but I meant what I said. Both of us stopped talking. I could hear him breathing steadily in the background as he moved different positions on his bed. He sounded pleased.

"My little Hicks finally acknowledging me. Still a little rude but allot tamer now," he breathed warmly. "What are you doing?"

"Recovering... getting as much sleep as possible," I said weakly, my eyes almost closing. "What else do you want to say to me? I might fall asleep."

"Just let me stay for a while longer," he sounded like pleading. "Just put the phone nearby, you can sleep if you have to---"

"Sonic voyeurism."

"Just a handsome master who wanted to listen in to his slave's dreams," he whispered.

"Me, too," I admitted without much thinking. "I liked to hear you."

I imagined he was smiling at the end of the line when I said that. For some reasons, I knew I was his favourite and that made me feel warm and comfortable.

"Hicks..." he called lowly.

"You said that when you saw that basketball player in college, you didn't realise he was the one who helped you before... When did you recognise each other?"

I didn't speak for a while, trying to remember that day.

"Asleep?"

"Uhm... He arrived late for that term," I yawned. "I still had an arm cast following the auditorium incident but I was slowly coming back. I wanted to ace my grades to find reason enough to stay because frankly, I just felt like dropping out due to the embarrassment but I wasn't rich like you or James. I couldn't afford such."

"It's good you stayed," he said almost quietly.

"It was the day of the practical exam when he first came to class. He was so handsome that I literally forgot all that I had prepared. When he smiled his signature smile, I knew I was finished. I failed the assessment."

"That's disgusting," Red quipped. "You'd never fail a test for me."

"I bumped into him weeks after, when I dropped by the hospital to get my cast taken off. It rained so hard that day. I didn't have an umbrella with me so I took shelter in the waiting shed outside. A few minutes later, he came running towards the same shed. He was all wet. He said that he picked up some medicines for his niece but it rained so bad before he could get to his car at the parking lot. He was a warmhearted guy---even now. We talked and talked until the rained fizzled out. We realised shortly before we parted who we were. He followed me down the street in his car and offered to give me a ride home..."

That was my James; my incredibly warmhearted James.

I departed to dreamland without realising it, after I told Red about my early times with James. I wondered how long he stayed listening to me blabbering towards my sleep.

+++

I woke up at three in the afternoon and got ready as I would be visiting James today.

He made me watch Eternal Sunshine with him. He said that he needed to write a critic on at least one character so he wanted me around for discussion. James was always like that. He liked intellectual exchange of ideas. He normally made me watch stuff with him every time he invited me over.

I was crying at the end of the film while he laid his head on my lap munching on some cookies. I hadn't seen him cry at any part of it. In fact, he never cried at all. It was cool how he could watch it with plain objectivity.

"What memory is worth forgetting?" he whispered.

"Me?" I wiped my cheeks dry. "Perhaps the traumatic ones? Like the last time my father hit me so bad... or that time two years ago when I fell off the stage and got a fracture in the arm---"

"You'd rather delete them from memory?" he sat up. "We wouldn't have met if those didn't happen. "

I looked at him, thinking.

"You see, because he hit you, you ran away from home. You crossed the street in the rain and dad almost ran you over. That's when we first met, Jap."

"Oh! You're right," I mused.

He smiled, but he also wore that studious look on his face. He was analyzing my answer objectively. I liked him allot for that.

"And the incident in the auditorium," he continued. "If that didn't happen and you didn't get an arm cast, I wouldn't have ran into you at the hospital."

"You're too clever," I smiled. He made all the right points. "Maybe I shouldn't forget, then."

"You definitely shouldn't," he placed his hand on my head, messing with my hair. I liked it every time he did that. "Would you like someone who'd chase you down only so you wouldn't forget him?"

"Maybe, yes. Maybe, no," I looked away in thought. "It still depends on the memory. You know it's necessary to forget sometimes, to start anew---that's what my mother said."

"Jap," he held me on both arms. "I think I wanted to court someone... someone kind, thoughtful, friendly and hardworking. That someone. I don't want her to forget about me."

C-court someone?

Dub dub. Dub dub.

I could feel my heart jumping from my chest; but strangely due to the sudden confusion more than excitement.

I gripped the bed sheet tightly with both hands.

Kind - check.

Thoughtful - check.

Friendly - check.

Hardworking - check. Oh no!

I had waited for the moment when he'd confess to me for so long. I even rehearsed every possible reaction I could have for this moment. I imagined all possible circumstances and rebuttals. But why wasn't I too happy to hear it? I must be uncontrollably happy now; but I felt way lesser than that.

He was going to confess to me---

"Will you answer this wholeheartedly?" his eyes were on me devotedly.

Dub dub. Dub dub.