Chapter 18

Aiko learned what had happened to Shiro from Shin's lips, who went to him to narrate the episode. Did he feel an urge to go to Ryo, to reproach him for his pride, but he stopped himself, after all, what was the point of another fight? Nothing could change the personality of the other.

Shiromiya returned to work about half an hour after Ryo left. He did not accept to bow to pain, he did not accept to surrender to hopelessness. It wouldn't be another humiliation that would bring him down. And that was how Mamoru found him, crouching beside the rose bushes, his hands dirty with earth and his mind busy digging.

" Kazue? " his voice low and sad called the boy.

" Yes?"

Shiromiya turned to him as if nothing had happened. Aiko then realized that despite his puffy eyes from crying, he was as strong as few at that time.

" You need anything?" He asked, trying not to fly up to him and hug him tightly.

Shiro denied it. They didn't talk any more during that day.

***

Aiko learned that Ryo had returned to Hokkaido on the same day that Brazil had one of its ships sunk by a German submarine. He breathed relieved, freaked out by his return, hoping he would never return. Of course, he loved Ryo, but Aiko didn't want him close to Shiromiya.

A few days later, Shin left his home. After almost a month of sleeping outside his room, to avoid confrontation with the other, he was able to lie down in his bed. Before however, he changed the sheets and cleaned the whole environment, he didn't want the smell of Shin on his pillow, anything that reminded him, hurt him a lot.

Although in September one of the most important episodes of the time began " the Battle of Stalingrad " nothing unusual happened inside the gates of Ai. Apart from one or another member of Kempeitai visiting the establishment, and terrifying Nana with his presence, everything remained as usual.

In October, Shin returned to his home, looking anxious and guilty at the same time. He arrived quietly, ordered a drink, and refused the company of one of the girls. Then he looked for Mamoru with his eyes, and found him close to the stage, preparing the venue for Shiromiya's entrance.

Aiko was beautiful, flushed and smiling, unlike him who was more and more destroyed and finished every day. He thought his departure had also affected his friend, but he was surprised to see him completely happy.

The reason came shortly afterward. Saito Jiro appeared beside him, and the two entertained themselves in a lively conversation regarding something about the wood that lined the room.

Shin felt nervous, like a husband watching his wife and lover talking animatedly about any subject. He knew he had no power over either, but he didn't like that approach.

Shortly after, Saito seemed to see him and, leaving Aiko, went to him.

"I thought I wasn't going to leave the bedroom anymore," he laughed. " How it feels?"

"I thought you didn't like women," Shin replied, ignoring the question.

"I love women," the other returned. " I just don't want to sleep with them."

" What are you doing here then? There are no men to prostitute themselves in Ai. Mamoru doesn't sell himself, and Shiromiya just dances. What interests you here?"

" Are you bothered by my presence?"

Jiro's smile did not disappear, even though the question was quite frank.

" No " Shin then seemed to breathe. "I'm sorry," he asked sincerely. " I'm quite stressed."

Jiro shrugged.

" I know, don't worry " he patted Shin's hands. " Did you forget that I'm your friend? I won't do anything behind your back, Sakamoto. When I do, you will be the first to know.

Ignoring the meaning of the words, Shin nodded.

" I heard that Brazil entered the war."

" I'm hearing countless rumors about it " Jiro stole Shin's sake cup and drank. Sakamoto seemed fascinated for a few moments, but he soon came to his senses. " They say the Americans sank the ship to blame the Germans."

Shin thought about the words for a few seconds.

" What do you think?"

" Hitler is crazy. But he is not stupid. Brazil is a very important strategic point in the war. However, some evils come for good, right?"

" How?"

" You know who I support in this war, Sakamoto " Jiro moved closer to Shin, mesmerizing him with his beautiful lips. " Do you hate me for that? Do you want me to die for that?"

Shin laughed, realizing the seduction.

" What do you want, Jiro?"

" I want you to get out of that cocoon, to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and stop this depression. I want you to see life for what it is. You are young, handsome, and rich. You are protected from the evils of war, which is already an immeasurable blessing. And you have the love of someone who, even when you disappear and don't give any news, remains loyal and faithful to you " he said, rigid. " I just want you to smile, to feel passion for life again ...

"Before, everything was so simple," he commented. " There were the good guys and the bad guys. Now, there's no more logic ... "He closed his eyes, sighing. When he opened it again, Jiro saw tears. " Dream with that dead baby every night, Jiro ..."

" Blame yourself for what? Did you start the war? Did you chase that child's family? Did you make the fatal shot? That burden is not yours. I do, I have an unbearable burden to bear, I took people to the rooms where they would be tortured and killed. I have in my hands the blood of children, women, and men. I am a monster, you are not!"

Shin was moved by the desperation in yours eyes. Within seconds, indifferent to the possible reproachful looks around, he hugged Jiro, letting him rest his head on his shoulder.

"You were forced to do that, Jiro," he whispered. " Don't blame yourself, please. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here anymore, and a lot of bad things would have happened."

They separated, Saito held back the tears, while Shin stroked him on the forehead.

" We will survive this war, Jiro " Shin promised. " And we will be happy."

Suddenly, Shin looked over Saito's shoulder and saw Aiko standing there staring at them. It didn't take much sensitivity to understand that his friend was hurt and angry. Jiro followed his gaze and then swore.

"Go after him, Shin," he asked. " I don't want he to think nonsense."

Sakamoto seemed to blink.

"If you don't go, I'll go," Jiro warned.

Given that, there were no choices.

***

Sakamoto found him outside the hall, in the garden, watching the roses. His closed countenance made it clear that he did not want conversation, but Shin approached it carefully.

"Jiro is my friend," he explained gently.

" I know."

It didn't.

"I don't love he as a lover," he rectified.

" I did not ask you anything. "

"Why, Mamoru," he laughed. " You know very well that Jiro and I approached each other during the war, but that nothing happens between us."

" Now, isn't it? Did you forget that you slept together?"

" Months have passed since that act! " fought. " Now nothing else happens. I think he even fell in love with someone, because before he lived flirting with anyone, and nowadays he has closed himself up, seeming to be guarded."

The sentence made Aiko look at him. It confirmed what Saito had told him a few months ago. Not that he doubted his feelings, but he felt conflicted his own emotions. Why would a handsome, experienced sergeant care about someone like Aiko?

" Did he tell you who he's in love with?"

" No, but he told me that we needed to talk about it. " Shin took a deep breath. "I'm running away from this conversation because honestly, it doesn't interest me. I don't want to hear about Saito's novels. The only thing that matters to me are you."

The last sentence moved Aiko so much that he found himself smiling, even though he didn't want to. He restrained the desire to fly in Shin's arms, compressing him.

" Shall we go back inside? " Shin offered his arm.

"I love you, Shin," he confessed again.

It was degrading, but he couldn't help it. Since he first confessed his love, he seemed to have cut a seal that kept that feeling quiet. Then he could no longer contain himself, no longer hide. He wanted to advertise thousands of times until Shin finally matched him.

" Aiko ..."

"You don't have to say anything," Mamoru laughed, shaking his face. "God! don't open your mouth. You are terrible with words and whenever you speak, it hurts me."

"I'll cut my tongue then," he joked. " I do anything to please you."

Except what he most wanted, thought the courtier, disillusioned.

***

In November, one of the newspapers of the time printed Hitler's image in Paris as an illustration of the fact that German forces had entered France. Even though the image of the 1940 dated, the strength of the Fuhrer image alongside Speer, against the background of the beautiful Eiffel Tower, brought an undeniable feeling of victory that seemed to take over the Japanese capital.

Despite that, December was not one of the best months of the Axis. Even though German troops tried hard to break the siege of Stalingrad, their success was nil.

At the same time, Saito told Aiko that Shin had been called by the family to study the possibility of traveling to the Guadalcanal Campaign. Aiko got desperate, after all, in that battle in question, Japan had been miserably slaughtered by American forces, taking more than five hundred casualties against sixteen of its rivals.

But realizing the state of his favorite nephew, Hirohito personally engaged in a conversation with the brother responsible for Shin's regiment. Dissuading him was not an easy task, but everyone realized that Sakamoto had returned from Germany not very well from his wits. The story that he had cut off an officer's head and paraded with him through Tokyo was still whispered among the employees.

That way, once again, Shin stayed in Japan, where he felt a little more excited and safe, where the pain felt like an unreal nightmare.

" Aiko is going to give the girls at Ai a break, " Jiro told him while they were having breakfast. "Paid time off," he explained afterward. " So they can spend the New Year with their families. I've been thinking about taking Shiromiya to the temple, what do you think?"

Shin shrugged.

" Since July he looks so sad."

"He was hurt by what Ryo did," he said.

Sakamoto had already reported the matter to him a few months ago.

" So " Jiro stepped forward. " Wouldn't that be wonderful? Shiro will be able to pray and light candles for his mother. And then I can take you out to eat something delicious."

Shin nodded.

"I think about what Ryo is doing now," he admitted. " When he offended Shiro it seemed so ..."

" What?"

" So dejected. I think the words hurt him too."

Jiro laughed, disbelieving.

" I don't know him very well, but I can guarantee that a man who humiliates a boy as he did, is not worthy of being a man."

Shin denied it.

"Ryo likes Shiro," he said. " He just don't know what to do with that information."

" Has he sent a message since he left?"

" Anything. I've already written twice, but he don't answer. I tried to call, but no one answers."

Jiro bit a piece of cheese, before continuing, changing the subject.

" I heard that there will be a special performance at Kabuki-za[34]. I want to go, what do you think?

"Most of the Empire's officers and members will be there," Shin reported. " I think it would be great. How many presentations will they make?"

" Three. The first and played presentation will debut in the evening Chrismas."

" Is that the one you want to see?"

" I bought tickets for the next day, but if you get the tickets for the twenty-fourth, I will be very happy."

December twenty-fourth was Mamoru's birthday. Shin used to have dinner with him in celebration, however, he knew beforehand that the whole family would probably be at the theater on that date and it would not be a good thing to be absent. So he tried to readjust the plans. He would go to lunch with Aiko and go out at night with Jiro. That way, no one would be angry and he could still be close to his family.

" Why did you look so satisfied?"

He shrugged.

"Nothing," replied Shin. " Just happy to be able to have some fun."

***

Shiromiya sneezed the first time on the first day of that cold month. Two days later, he was already in bed, and they had to call the doctor. A slight pneumonia, due to the winter that seemed even more severe at that time.

Underweight and with sad and tired eyes, he didn't look like he was willing to improve. Aiko and Nana, the only people to be at Ai during that recess, stayed by his side, trying to help him to his feet.

" Why do not you eat? Why don't you smile? Why don't you try to get up? Do you want to take a shower? Do you want to see the sun?"

Aiko's questions did not upset Shiromiya, who simply nodded and smiled unwillingly.

On Aiko's birthday morning, Shiro sat on the bed for the first time since he got sick. Aiko almost wept with happiness for that, feeling as if the act was one of the most wonderful gifts that anyone could receive.

That cold Christmas eve morning, Aiko brought the newspaper to read to Shiro the latest news about the war, while he drank quiet tea, listening to him. Suddenly, however, Aiko fell silent. Strange the posture, Shiro asked:

" Did something happen?

"There will be a special performance at Kabuki-za," he said. " I always dreamed of going there. Also, tickets are still on sale. What do you think?"

" It's a great gift to give yourself, Aiko-san " Shiro agreed.

"I'm going to invite Shin-san," he decided, somewhat apprehensively. " Do you think he would accept to accompany me?"

" You'll only know if You call him."

Aiko got up and left. Shortly thereafter, he gave money to the errand boy to buy two tickets. They were expensive, but he told himself it was worth the price and the moment. He never wasted, it was time to stop living so seriously and enjoy a little of what he saved.

The boy brought the tickets half an hour before Shin arrived for lunch. Aiko received him in the tea room, smiling. They exchanged a loving hug, and Sakamoto handed him a gift-wrapped package.

"The fabric is from the Philippines," he said, as soon as Aiko lifted the beautiful colored linen from her fingers. " The artisan is one of the most famous there, and the farm is of excellent quality. I think it will make a nice kimono."

Aiko smiled.

" Thank you so much Shin-chan " pulled him to the table. " I also have something for you."

Sakamoto sat on the chair and waited. He hoped that Aiko's something was related to food, as he was hungry. But, to his dismay, he noticed two brown tickets being placed in front of him.

" What is it?"

" Today there will be a special presentation at Kabuki-za. I bought two tickets and I would like you to join me."

Shin was livid. Startled, he stared at the pair of papers for a while and then turned his eyes to the birthday boy. He found him happy and eager for the answer and blamed himself tremendously.

"Kabuki-za will be full today, Aiko," he explained. " There will be many rich and important people, you will feel out of place. Why don't you go tomorrow?"

Mamoru did not fail to notice that Shin was not included in the event. He bit his lower lip, collecting the tickets.

"You're right," he smiled, embarrassed. " I won't be comfortable ..."

Glad he didn't insist, Shin nodded.

" Of course not. Promise me you won't."

Aiko lowered the front.

" Yes, Shin-chan."

The other looked relieved, and Mamoru was left with a mixture of feelings that ranged from affection for Shin's concern for his feelings to the hurt for spending his birthday night without him.

" Let's eat?"

Mamoru then served him. Sakamoto didn't seem to notice his dejection, and ate heartily, as usual. Aiko barely swallowed the food, it seemed that not only he but his whole life had no taste.

***

In the afternoon Aiko returned to Shiro. He found him playing with the string he had received from Ryo. He said nothing when he saw that he hid the pendant as soon as his eyes met.

" Haven't you got ready yet, Aiko-san?"

An event of that size required a good and relaxing bath, and beautiful and showy clothes. However, Aiko was wearing an old kimono and looked sloppy.

" I won't."

" Why not? You was so anxious."

"I have no one to accompany me," he said suddenly.

Shin had declined the invitation. Shiro decided not to inflame the wound further.

" And Nana?"

" Nana said she is too old for these things. She said wants to take advantage of that break from Ai and sleep early."

"Too bad I can't go," Shiro whimpered. " I would love to watch so much ... " then he seemed to think a little. " You can't help going, Aiko-san. It's your birthday and you deserve it. Besides, you have already purchased the tickets. If you have no one to accompany you, go alone."

" Alone? " the prospect did not cheer him up.

" Why not? You bought those tickets, you didn't steal them. You bought with his money and has as much right to go as anyone else. Go enjoy your night!"

He meditated on the words for a few moments. Then he jumped out of the chair, hugging Shiro.

" You are right! This is my night, and nothing will make me miss it!"

After that, he ran towards the room to get ready.

***

The sound of voices and laughter drew attention. Even though they were, culturally, a silent people, that night the Japanese seemed to be in an uproar, excited by the spectacle to come.

Aiko sat in a remote chair, on the floor above the stage, a comfortable place. Out of respect for the artists, he arrived almost half an hour earlier and stood there, static, staring at the stage.

After a while, he noticed some curious looks on himself and observed the environment. The men, mostly Ai customers, quickly turned away, pretending not to recognize him. They probably feared that Mamoru would greet them, but he would never do such a thing.

Being the responsible courtier of House of Love was also knowing how to be discreet, especially outside the gates of the den.

He lowered his face, embarrassed. Shin was right, he was completely embarrassed by those people. Aiko knew he didn't belong there. He thought of getting up and leaving, but his desire to watch the butai was greater than his shyness.

For fifteen minutes, he avoided observing the environment, his eyes fixed on his feet. When, at last, the music for the play began, he looked up, watching the stage.

The first act lasted half an hour. Mamoru held back his tears as he watched a young priestess torn between duty to god and love for a samurai. He recognized how difficult unrequited love was and he took pity on the protagonist, after all, he was in a similar situation.

When the lights came on, in the interval leading up to the second act, Aiko noticed some people standing up. Most went down to the restaurant next door to drink and talk. As he had no company, he sat there, sprawled.

He looked at his fingers, looking interested in his nails. He tapped the floor lightly, wondering how long the break would last and what he could do to distract himself while he waited.

He was the only person alone there. Everyone had company to talk to, everyone had someone to turn their faces to.

He had no one.

Suddenly, the loud sound of laughter caught his attention. He recognized the timbre immediately.

Then he looked at the ground floor, looking for Sakamoto. Soon he found him, beside Jiro. Both entertained in a friendly conversation, their faces close as if telling secrets.

Shin had come to the play.

Shin was ashamed of him.

Shin didn't want him around.

The realization made him lose his breath. He felt the views cloud with tears, and his chin trembled. Overcome with shame, he rose. His throat ran dry and he felt he could not control his crying until he reached the exit.

He haven't seen Shin so happy in a long time. He noticed them dressed in their army uniforms, as equals. And it hurt him even more. Sakamoto saw Saito as someone worthy of him. Shin was not ashamed to take Saito to a public place and expose him to people. He accompanied him that night, even if it was Aiko's birthday. More than ever, the truth about what Shin felt for him hit him so brutally that he had to hold on to his chair to keep from falling to the floor.

At that very moment, Saito saw him. He wanted to turn his face away, but he noticed that Jiro was smiling in his direction, raising his arms vigorously, in a happy and friendly wave.

Then, Shin also turned to him.

The shock was clear. Sakamoto rose from the chair, disconnected. Feeling that this was the worst birthday of his life, Aiko turned his back and, at last, ran to the exit.