Chapter 44

Shin Sakamoto stood beside him. The gates of the Imperial garden opened and Saito stopped, looking ahead.

The air had been charged and smoky for months. However, below the ground, they still saw an illusion that life could be simple and safe. However, at that moment, there was no escape. The veracity of horror overwhelmed him, and he almost stepped back, were it not for the promise made to Mamoru.

" Are you sure? " Shin asked him uncertainly.

He looked at his friend. He saw his terrified, red eyes as if he didn't wanted Saito to go. And, to be honest, Saito didn't want to go either. He was so good there, next to them ... he could touch and caress Mamoru every day, and he could also talk to Sakamoto, without fear.

"You will survive the war," he said firmly. " Your friend Ryo warned you, didn't you? I need to see how my family is doing."

Aside from the fact that he sent his money to them, he didn't care about his own at all. They were not bad people, but they were cold as if each one should take care of their own lives and as if there were no links between them. It was different with Shin and Aiko.

" Shin ... " started, but was interrupted.

" Here " Sakamoto held out a letter. " It says that you have been my servant since 1937. In other words, you have never been to China, not even in Germany. It only served me in Tokyo. I have had rumors spread that I have two lovers inside the room so that no one thinks you are a military man."

" Shin ... " He didn't know what to say.

" Everything that existed about you, all your passages in the army, all the documents you signed, the trips you made ... everything was destroyed."

" Shin ... " he felt the tears escape his eyes. "I don't know what to say." He took the paper, folded it, and put it in his pocket.

"Don't say anything, just be careful," he asked.

Saito looked around. He noticed the prying eyes of some security guards, so he just nodded.

"I wanted to kiss you, but I don't want to cause any discomfort," he admitted. " However, Shin ... " bit his lower lip, searching for words. " I know that what I am going to say will give the perception of immorality ..."

" You, immoral? " Sakamoto laughed. "Nothing could make me love you less, Jiro," he said gently.

Saito smiled. He raised his hand and touched Shin's chest.

"I love you, Shin," he confessed. " And I love Aiko too. I love them both. I couldn't choose, even if I wanted to. Then, I imagined myself growing old next to Mamoru, but I can't imagine myself far from you. You do not know? How many times have I kept my things and wanted to leave, but then you held me and I forgot everything, even rationality ...

"I don't want to lose you either," he declared.

Jiro denied it.

" You are the man of a single lover, my beloved. You would feel like garbage if you had to keep anyone, besides the one down there waiting for you ... Besides, Aiko is jealous and would never accept to share it with anyone. So " took a deep breath " this is the time for me to go. Mamoru is already awake, and you will protect him."

" Are you going back?

"Of course I'll be back," he laughed, finding the other's desperate tone comical. " I will return on periodic visits, I promise."

They exchanged an accomplice hug. Then Jiro went to one of the vehicles and got in. The car was discreet and undercover, in no way reminding it that it belonged to the army.

" I'm going with him to Oma. From there..."

" I know, a ferry " Shin went to the window. " I will send a statement authorize your passage."

" Thank you."

They shook hands.

" Give my regards to Ryo."

Jiro nodded. Shin had been told he would stop by Sapporo before going home. The relief he saw in Sakamoto's eyes gave him the certainty that he was doing the right thing.

" Please take care."

"Your excess of concern is not doing my ego any good," he joked.

Suddenly, he pulled his hand away. He seemed so sure of Shin that he was startled, imagining that his friend would not allow him to leave.

"Shin ..." he murmured.

"They never wrote to you," Sakamoto complained. " You told me once that they never showed any concern for you." He felt his eyes wet and no longer stopped himself from giving a show. " I love you, and I need you. Please do not leave me."

" I have to go, Shin ... " Jiro insisted, pulling his hand tighter.

"Don't leave me," he pleaded.

Saito started the first gear. He was crying before the car even moved. When he was at a safe distance from the other, he looked back. In the rearview mirror, he saw Shin running after him, like a dog left behind in a change.

His eyes remained clouded with tears until he left Tokyo. Then he swallowed the crying and the pain. If they survived, both, he would return. One day, Saito didn't know when, but he would be back. At that moment, however, he needed to help Shiromiya, someone else he wanted so well.

** *

The week that followed after Jiro's departure was quite difficult for Shin. Aiko did not speak to him. He just gave him hard looks, as if he blamed him for all the ailments in the world. Then, little by little, he also closed himself off, always waiting for a call from Ryo or Saito, the people with whom he could open up without problems.

The calls didn't come. The only time he called Ryo that week, he didn't answer. Tadao informed him that Ryo was on the eve of an important business deal, and therefore could not speak to him. However, it relieved him to know that Shiromiya was fine. He asked to speak to the young man, but the servant said, very embarrassed, that Ryo had ordered that no one should speak to Shiro.

The fact did not surprise him, as he knew that Ryo was trying to put Shiro in a bubble. Probably Shiromiya didn't even know that Mamoru had been in a catatonic state or something. So he decided to be practical and forget about them for a few days, after all, there were rumors that the Americans were preparing for an intense and massive bombing again, and he started to be called for daily meetings.

Away from political plans, in the north of the country, on the island of Hokkaido, Shiromiya lived a very happy moment. For the past week, Ryo had spent his afternoons in meetings, receiving advice from lawyers. However, the minor did not feel insecure or unworthy at any time. The serious businessman by day returned to his arms like a passionate lover at night.

Then he started to work hard on the things he liked. Shiro started planning a vegetable garden at the back of the property. A small space where he could organize rows of lettuce and tomatoes. The seeds would easily be obtained in a market in Sapporo, and the disposition he already had. Even though Ryo talked about their return to Tokyo, he still wanted his garden in Sapporo. Kazue liked the city and planned to convince Ryo to stay there.

The vegetable garden would be a surprise for Ryo, who did not usually walk around the fields. So he got a hoe and started the job. For the first two days, he cleared the land, weeded it up and tidied up the irrigation. Then he planted the seeds. For the rest of the week, he surrounded his little work of art with wire, eager to see each of those plants growing and bearing fruit.

So, when Ryo called him, on the eve of the important dinner that he had heard Tadao talk about, he was exhausted, tired, and needing to sleep. However, he would never refuse anything to Ryo, and when he heard his name being shouted from the room, he ran in that direction.

He threw himself on Satoshi before he even opened his mouth. The door slammed, and they didn't even talk as they tore off their clothes.

The sex was intense and magnificent, as always. Slipped on his beloved's chest, Shiro smiled, thanking the heavens for the grace of loving and being loved, caring, and being cared for, with such kindness.

" You are my favorite person in the whole world " your confession was different, but it meant the same as always. " I love you."

He felt Ryo's soft fingers caress his locks and closed his eyes in front of the mess. However, the sound of Satoshi's voice made him open his eyes again.

" I wanted to talk to you about tomorrow."

Shiro stared at him, placing his chin on the male chest.

" You don't want me to show up at your dinner, do you?"

The phrase surprised the trader so much that he did not know how to respond. Shiro noticed him nervous and laughed, calming him down.

" I understand, Ry-chan. I am young, but not a fool. I know that you have important business and that it would not do well to have a boy in your house as a lover. Also, I remember meeting your friend at Ai ... I don't want to take any chances and find another man who bought me as a child."

" Won't it be piss then?"

" Of course not." He rested his hands on the mattress and propelled himself forward, giving a wet kiss to his red lips. "If you're okay, I'll be fine, too," he said. "And they'll only have you for a few hours, I'll have you forever," he looked confident.

Ryo nodded, stroking the delicate face. They slept shortly afterward, asleep protected by the angels.

***

The next morning Ryo sat at the breakfast table with a smile on his lips. He would be engaged that night and ask for a month or so to organize the wedding. Perhaps by then, the war would have ended. In less than a year, he would be with his daughter in his arms and that was all that mattered to him.

He poured orange tea and started to think about Shiromiya. One of its best houses was close to the Imperial Garden. The place was currently being occupied by tenants, but next week he would send a letter asking them to leave. Shiro would love the place, a huge, exquisite mansion, surrounded by a rich and flowery garden. He had space for him to touch the plants and serve tea in the afternoon. Shiro would be happy there, always waiting for him.

As he drank, Ryo thought it would be a problem to hide Shiro from his daughter when she was older. Although most men achieved the feat. Also, he can keep Miya always busy with studies and holidays to Europe, preventing her from setting foot in Tokyo.

" Smiling, Ryo-san? " Tadao appeared beside him, placing a piece of yellow cheese on his plate.

" I am happy because today I will become a committed man."

" Committed?"

" Didn't you notice the purpose of my dinner?"

The servant looked ahead, meditating.

" A new trade deal?" He asked. " That's what you told me, and I thought it would expand the business."

" It's an investment."

" On new boats?"

"In my happiness," he replied. " I'm getting married."

Tadao lost his breath for a few seconds, amazed. He opened his mouth, tried to speak, but nothing came out. Then he waited for Ryo's ironic laugh, saying it was a joke, but he was serious. So, all Tadao did was to inquire about the person who seemed to be forgotten in the face of his plans.

" And Shiromiya-san?"

" What about him?" He asked indifferently.

" He knows?"

" Don't need to know. Shiro will go to Tokyo in a week or two."

" But ..."

Ryo raised his eyebrows. He hoped that his clear denotation of arrogance would silence the servant, but Tadao did not resist the boldness.

" I thought you loved him."

Love? Shiromiya? Ryo laughed at the pathetic speech.

"Shiro is adorable," he said. " Few times in my life have I enjoyed someone's company. And I intend to keep it, I will give everything he needs, it will be my exclusive in Tokyo. However, are we going, to be honest? What is he?"

" A boy who loves you?"

The answer flushed Ryo, who held back a rude answer.

"He's just an illiterate prostitute," Ryo was firm. " He doesn't even know how to behave at the table, he doesn't know how to read a book, he doesn't know how to maintain a cultured conversation. He was bought by men in exchange for rice, he danced on the stage of a brothel dressed as a woman. He was never and never will be someone of my social level. The only place that someone like him serves to be is in a bed."

He slapped his hand flat on the table.

" And where is he? He asked. " Why haven't you gone to call him yet? Go and call him!"

Tadao did not answer. Realizing that Ryo had awakened a tremendous mood, he simply acquiesced and left the room.

***

Shiromiya woke up that sunny morning smiling. He left the Ryo's room and went towards the own room, anxious to take a shower and go to lunch with Satoshi.

After washing himself, he wore a beautiful floral kimono and put on new sandals. He perfumed himself, smoothed his hair behind his ear, and watched himself in the mirror. He saw a glow in him that had never been there before. It was very bright, even in the face of war.

Still smiling, he left the bedroom and walked into the living room. The smell of tea flooded his nostrils and he foresaw the scene of a Ryo intent on sipping. His belly growled, making him remember that having sex gave him even more appetite.

"I'm getting married".

The sound of Ryo's voice made him stop suddenly. Suddenly, aware that he was two steps from the room, but hidden by the door, he just couldn't let Ryo know about his presence.

It was excusable, of course. Ryo's sentence shocked him. The boy looked astonished for a few seconds, as if he expected an ironic laugh after the statement, some joke, anything that represented a lie, but he realized that the only lie there was the one he lived.

"And Shiromiya-san?", Tadao's question was the same as his.

What about him? What would become of him?

"Shiro will be going to Tokyo in a week or two."

As an object - which it was - it would be used and then sent away. He leaned his back against the wall. Shiro knew he should get out of there, he had heard too much, but he couldn't take a step.

"I thought you loved him."

Shiro laughed at the employee's sentence. He meant "I thought so too", but why was he to be loved by someone like Ryo?

"He's just an illiterate prostitute." "

Fell to the floor. His legs were shaking and his throat hurt absurdly. Ryo didn't lie, he just pointed out exactly what he was. However, it hurt a lot. It hurt more than any pain. It was practically unbearable.

"He doesn't even know how to behave at the table, he doesn't know how to read a book, he doesn't know how to have a cultured conversation. He was bought by men in exchange for rice, he danced on the stage of a brothel dressed as a woman. He was never and never will be someone of my social level. "

He put both hands on his chest, trying to calm the unbearable distress that had taken him.

The mind began to process a thousand pieces of information.

Ryo would be married, Ryo would send him to Tokyo. He was just an illiterate prostitute ... He ...

"The only place that someone like him serves to be is in a bed."

If there were words other than those, young Kazue never knew. Silently, he ran towards the room itself, closing the door, passing the lock. The air was short, causing him to fall to the ground again, while thick tears ran down his face, flooding his face in a sea of ​​despair.

"The only place that someone like him serves to be is in a bed."

The phrase was repeated so many times in his mind that he covered his ears trying to stop that sound from ringing. In front of him, he observed the rich room, the cozy bed. He turned his face; on the left, the nightstand and the wardrobe showed an infinity of luxurious furniture that did not belong to him.

He had considered those gifts a form of affection, but at that moment, it seemed so clear that they were nothing more than an ornament that Ryo had placed on his prostitute.

Crawling, he went to the bathroom which he had been seconds before. He opened the drawer, looking for the razor blade Ryo had left there. He brought the sharp side to his wrists. Suddenly, he faced himself in the mirror.

Shiro saw the young man destroyed years ago, his face streaked with pain. However, the betraying mind also brought the image of Nana, holding his shoulders and supporting him. The old woman had told her that as a young woman she also considered suicide an honorable way out of the misfortune she called life. But she didn't kill herself, and she didn't regret it. She lived in time to meet Aiko and have a reason to keep breathing.

He pulled the blade away and wiped his eyes.

He also wouldn't kill himself. What would eliminate it was the feeling that existed in itself. He needed to go. But how? Where to go? In what way?

"Shiromiya-san? " Tadao knocked on the door. " It's all right? Ryo-san awaits you for breakfast."

Swallowing the rest of the cry, he took a deep breath.

"I'm getting ready, I'll be going soon, Tadao," he replied boldly.

He turned on the tap and washed his face. Then he walked towards the room again. That time, with no trace of affection in his heart.

***

Shiro sat at the table. Beside him, Ryo looked at him with apprehension.

" You are feel good?" The man asked, touching his hands.

He suppressed the need to pull his fingers, allowing fake.

"I think I have a cold," he replied. " I feel my head hurt, I would like to stay in bed for today."

Ryo raised his eyebrows as if studying him.

"You have a red nose," he said, agreeing with the diagnosis. " Want to see a doctor?"

The other denied.

" Just rest."

" Of course, my dear. At ease " he smiled.

The sound of footsteps caught Ryo's attention. Tadao stood beside the master and whispered something in his ear. Ryo's face looked uncomfortable, but then he smiled again as if he were very sure of himself.

And why wouldn't it be?

His perfect plans were on track.

"Excuse me for a few minutes, my dear," he asked.

Shiromiya cringed, receiving a kiss on the temple. When Ryo was aware of his sights, he cleaned up the place.

***

Saito Jiro stopped in front of a huge painting. He looked at the woman with an enigmatic smile, imagining that the quality replica was very reminiscent of a famous painting he had once seen. Then he spun the body, observing the majestic surroundings. Ryo's house resembled Shin's. However, Sakamoto was more practical, and not much given to art. The merchant, however, seemed to like pictures and sculptures.

" Sergeant? " Ryo received him, in a chaste smile. " It's a surprise."

" Yes " Jiro returned the smile, bowing. " As defeat approached, Shin thought it best that I return to my family. So I decided to see Shiromiya-san before I went home."

It was clear that Ryo didn't like the surprise, but it was also clear that he wasn't going to stop him from seeing Shiro.

"Yes, I'll send for Shiro," he warned. "But first, I have something that belongs to you." He walked towards another diagonal door. " Wait for me for a few seconds?"

Jiro nodded.

As soon as he was out of sight, Saito turned his body and started walking. The drawing-room was the first of many beautiful rooms that the corridor left visible. He walked fast, his eyes searching for the image of a handsome boy.

When he found him, seated at the table, his heart leaped.

Shiromiya was dejected. His bowed head was watching a piece of bread, but his mind was lost somewhere that Jiro didn't know which one it was. The hands-on his lap did not insist on rising, and he looked so defeated that Saito almost took him in his arms at that moment.

" Shiro? " called him.

It took a few seconds for Kazue to lift his forehead. And then, slowly, he turned to face Jiro. His battered eyes filled with tears as if he were gradually waking up from a bad dream.

" Sad Eyes ... " Jiro whispered, using the old name. " What he did to you?"

Within seconds, the boy leaped from his chair and ran towards him. Saito held him so tightly in his arms that he almost hurt him. Felt his heart pounding against him, and Shiro sighed, clearly relieved.

"Listen," he pulled him out, making the eyes meet. " Tomorrow morning, at seven-thirty, at the bus station. I will buy your ticket and we will leave together, okay?"

They didn't need to talk about anything. Saito understood instantly that Mamoru was right.

"I'll be there," Shiro promised, in a whisper.

The sound of footsteps pushed them away. Ryo entered the living room, his gaze icy on the pair.

"Shiro was thrilled to see me," Jiro said, explaining the tears that welled up in the other.

Ryo walked over to the smaller one and pulled him by the arm. He put his left hand on Shiro's waist, keeping him trapped. With the other, he extended a pistol to Saito.

" It's yours, isn't it? I stole it from you when Shin tried to kill himself."

Saito stared at the gun, suppressing an extreme urge to pick it up and fire it at the man.

" The weapon is from the army. The truth is that I didn't even miss it."

Still, he picked it up, putting it around his waist.

" Have lunch with us? " Ryo invited.

" Unfortunately, my bus leaves at noon. So " took a deep breath, " I need to go. I've seen Shiro, I know it's okay. Thank you for taking care of him."

Ryo seemed satisfied by the words. Therefore, he did not see the wink that Saito gave the other, before leaving through the door.

***

The merchant disappeared during the afternoon, and Shiromiya was finally able to breathe relieved. Deep down, he wanted to cry until he was tired, but he was afraid that he would be caught red-handed and have to confess that he had overheard the conversation. So he just tried not to think. He closed his eyes and sank under the covers. The day was mild, but he was shaking, feeling such exhaustion that he thought he wouldn't have the strength to go to Jiro.

Near dusk, Ryo appeared in his room. He sat down next to on the bed and put hand on his forehead.

"There is no fever," he said quietly. " But if you don't feel well, please let me know so I can call a doctor."

" It's okay, Ryo-san."

Ryo smacked his lips.

" Ryo-san?" He asked.

"I'm not in the mood for word games," Shiro cut him off, fiercely.

Satoshi found the tone strange.

" Jiro told you about Aiko, didn't he?"

Shiromiya looked at him seriously. Aiko? The heart seemed to fail. No ... It couldn't be! Did something happen to Mamoru? He would kill himself with him, he would have no more desire to live if his beloved protector ...

" But I just didn't tell you because I didn't want to worry you. And, mind you, before taking Saito-san to the door, I asked him about Mamoru, and he told me that he was already fine. Did you see how it would be useless to be suffering from worry?"

Shiromiya nodded. He was anxious for Ryo to leave him alone, go out the door and never return, but the cheeky man still bent over him. The intention was to kiss his lips, but Kazue turned away.

" Are you going to be angry with me?"

He ran his nose through his black hair. There was time for sex before the night started, and Shiromiya knew that.

"I have a headache," Shiro replied, without lying, because his head looked like it was going to explode.

Ryo looked irritated and stood up.

" Okay, I'll let you rest."

When the door slammed and Shiro finally knew that Ryo would not return, he allowed himself to shed his tears. He didn't want to cry, he wanted to be strong and to face all that situation with arrogance, but all he yearned for in life was that this man loved him as much as he loved him.

However, it would not happen. And if life taught people like him, it was that no one loves when does not want to.

And he gave everything to Ryo, body and soul, showing himself in a way that he didn't do to anyone else. And Satoshi just despised what he saw.

When night came, and he heard voices in the house, he sat at the bedroom door and peered through a crack. Along the way, a light and beautiful melody played, while crystals clashed, toasting Ryo's engagement.

He heard the laughter ... He especially heard Ryo, who was never happier. His desire to spy on the encounter almost made he move, but Shiro told himself that it had nothing to do with it. Ryo was marrying someone on his social level, and Shiro was just ...

A prostitute.

An illiterate.

A nobody, without a family, without a home, without money, without honor.

He allowed himself to cry more, sinking his face into a cross, drowning not only the tears but also the screams.

At some point, he dozed off, his head leaning against the door. Then, when he woke up, at dawn, he was startled, believing that he had lost his time.

The house was quiet, and there was no light anywhere. He looked for a watch by the bed and realized it was three in the morning.

He took off his beautiful kimono and carefully folded it. Then he looked for the old and torn clothes with which he had reached the bottom of the wardrobe, putting them on. The rough fabric seemed to hurt him, but he felt better wearing it. Then he made the bed, arranged everything as it was when he arrived.

As soon as he saw everything in perfect condition, he took his money box under the bed. He took money that Ryo had given him. Shiro counted carefully, trying not to forget a penny. He divided it into piles on the bed, next to the folded kimono.

When he realized that he had separated everything, he kept the money he earned at Ai inside the box and put it in his cloth bag. He left Ryo's house without taking a cent. Shiro wanted Ryo to know that even though he considered him nothing more than a worse, he had done nothing for money.

He turned toward the door when he remembered something and stopped.

The tears came back when he rolled his hands behind his neck and opened the clasp that held the string he had won from Ryo, years before.

"I will keep it forever because it is a symbol of our friendship."

He immediately remembered the promise and raised the golden heart to his eyes. He had never taken that gift off his neck, even when Ryo had hurt him the other times. But at the moment, there was no turning back. And he couldn't have such an important symbol with him.

"I don't wish you harm," he murmured. " I hope you're happy with your wife," he said, not sure if he was being true. " Only, I regret not being a woman or not being respectable. I've always loved you " he bit his lip, swallowing a sob. " I will always love you, but I never want to look at your face again ..."

Then he dropped the cord on the bed. It fell on top of the open money.

Shiromiya went out of the door.

The road around the property was deserted and dark. He barely saw it ahead when he opened the gate. However, he took a deep breath and seek strength.

Like his country, one day he would look at July 1945 as a bad but forgettable memory. It would be reborn like the phoenix. Shiromiya was a promise and he would keep it.