54

54. Overwhelming guilt

Absentminded, I stared at the black lake in front of me. I was completely lost in the beautiful reflection of the bright sun. The trees covering the whole area were of an eye-catching green. Several birds flew wildly in the mild summer breeze.

Sighing, I averted my gaze and snapped back to reality. As I moved my legs to stretch them out on the comfortable fluffy green, a sharp pain rushed through my whole legs. I groaned and massaged my thighs. Very slowly, the blood started circulating again, bringing back the feeling to my feet. Somehow automatically, my gaze wandered to my left forearm. Seeing as it was a warm afternoon, I was simply wearing a long-sleeved shirt. Since I had returned from the graveyard four days ago, I had fearfully cared to cover my forearm at all times. Now that I was alone down by the black lake, I had pushed the sleeves up to my elbows.

I furrowed my eyebrows when I stared at the black ink under my skin. A cold shiver run down my spine; leaving a trail of goose bumps on my arms. My death sentence. Biting my lip, I pushed down my sleeve as disgust filled my whole body. I hadn't told Severus yet, but I didn't plan to do so anytime soon. I was still more than confused and worried about what would happen if I chose to reveal the truth to everyone else. Severus would be devastated and more than furious. It would destroy him. He would be torn between fighting my father and protecting me. My friends would most certainly act the same way. Draco would choose to protect me from any harm. But more than that I wished for nothing more than being in peace with myself. I couldn't be with people who would watch me with pity or try to be careful about what they would be saying in my presence.

"Hello Arya." The gentle voice of my brother ripped me out of my thoughts. Turning my head, I saw that he had come alone this time. Not saying a word, he sat down next to me and observed me closely. I averted my gaze when his concerned grey eyes met mine. My heart started beating rapidly against my ribcage as I blinked several times.

"You haven't spoken to anyone as yet, have you?" Draco asked carefully. My face flashed. Of course, I didn't need to explain how I was handling everything so far. My brother knew me well after all.

"No." I replied quietly and pulled my knees to my chest. Draco shifted slightly and then I heard a long sigh.

"You know you have to at some point… Dumbledore won't let you hide forever. And Severus will corner you sooner or later." Annoyed, I blew out my cheeks and groaned.

"I'm very well aware of it, Draco. No need to remind me of the obvious."

"Apparently I do or you wouldn't pull away from everybody around you. I mean you're barely speaking with your friends anymore. And by the piercing looks of your boyfriend during meals or class I guess you're not speaking with him either." To my utter irritation, my brother was watching me with the typical arrogance in his features.

"I have my reasons so if you could please simply leave me, I'd be more than grateful, Draco." Not impressed, he scoffed and his eyes burned with suppressed anger. I rolled my eyes at him before turning away.

"Unlike your friends and boyfriend, I don't really have anything to lose, have I? So… I won't leave you alone now. You need me… or someone at least… I don't care if it's me, Granger or Severus as long as you're talking about what happened." Stormy eyes pierced me sharply. Frustration grew in my heart; I felt suddenly restless and lost. Aggressively, I run a hand through my hair and pulled at it. When I looked at my brother again, his eyes widened at my expression – showing him my true exhaustion and desperation.

"There's nothing to talk about, Draco… Bloody hell… I don't want to talk about it. I just can't." Pleading I tried to make him understand. I let out a loud breath of frustration. Draco scowled at the grass at his feet before looking up again.

"Well, obviously the headmaster's getting desperate enough to ask me about you… Like your head of house and boyfriend." He ran a hand through his hair; his cheeks flashing lightly. "Damn it Arya, just talk about it already! Stop being so ridiculously stubborn for once…! Do you believe you're the only one suffering? If you would've looked at Derek, you'd see that he's devastated with Diggory's death… Open your eyes and see what's in front of you for Merlin's sake."

I jumped on my feet and glared darkly at my brother. My hands clenched to fists at my sides. I heard the blood pulsate through my ears. With my rage taking over, I couldn't prevent myself from yelling at him. "Do you truly believe I'm hiding? Do you really think I'm blind to everything going on around me…? I SEE how Severus's looking at me. I SEE how my friends watch me all the time as if I were some pitiful creature. I SEE how Derek's suffering with Diggory's death. I SEE THIS BLOODY MARK on my arm every fucking day! I'm thinking about it every fucking day! I'm thinking about my father every bloody hour; afraid of what might happen next… I SEE VERY WELL how everybody's walking around like a frightened house elf… Because of my own damned father!"

My eyes stung painfully. I thought he might hear my loud heartbeat. During my outburst, Draco had gotten on his feet as well. His face remained calm and controlled though. Before he could say anything however, I whirled around and left. I pointedly ignored his shouting as I stalked back to the castle. It was time for lunch anyway.

Growling, I entered the castle and let out a sigh of relief. As fast as my anger had bubbled up, it decreased again. I knew Draco wouldn't dare stopping me now. I stopped dead in my tracks though when I spotted Severus taking a seat at the staff table. A cold shiver run down my spine as my heart ached for his embrace. I hadn't seen him since I had left the hospital wing a few days ago. To my surprise and relief, he had given me some space until two days ago. He and Professor McGonagall had tried talking to me several times, but I had cowardly left before they had the chance to corner me. I had caught Dumbledore watching me now and then as well.

Suddenly, Severus looked in my direction and my eyes widened. Sadness and desperation flooded my heart rapidly, leaving me frozen in the entrance of the great hall. His face was masked with cold indifference as he turned his attention back to the meal. I blinked several times, snapping back to reality. Shaking my head, I looked half-heartedly for my friends but couldn't spot them anywhere. Slowly, I made my way to a free spot, deciding to wait for them. Surely, they would arrive soon, seeing as lunch had just started.

"Jackson! We're not done yet!"

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Then I turned around with a cold expression. I locked eyes with my brother's burning grey ones. Instantly, anger surfaced again and I returned his gaze with equal annoyance. I gritted my teeth when I started speaking quietly. I tried to ignore the curious glances in our direction. If Draco and I were having an argument, most people found it quite interesting because neither of us liked losing or giving in.

"There's nothing left to discuss, Malfoy. So yes, we're in fact done! If you've anything to add, I honestly don't care." I whirled around again and continued my way. But not with Draco Malfoy. If he was angry nobody was allowed to walk away from him. As if I'd care right now…

A firm grip on my upper arm forced me around again. Not even trying anymore to hold back, I glared fiercely at my brother. Ripping my arm out of his hold, I made a step back.

"Don't you dare turn your back on me, Jackson. I told you we aren't done yet so don't ignore me!"

"Don't talk to me as if I was your bloody house elf!" I spat barely audible. Naturally, my brother wasn't impressed and returned a cold glare. "Now do yourself a favour and leave me alone." Before I could turn around however, Draco's intense scowl kept me frozen on the spot. A cold shiver run down my spine as I waited for his reply.

"You should do yourself a favour and open that damn mouth of yours for something useful. I swear I'll make you spill the truth sooner or later. You can't hide forever! I'll pester you 'til you-"

"What the hell's going on here?" We were interrupted by the sharp voice of none other than Harry. Instantly, Draco's glare wandered to my best friends who were watching him with hateful expressions.

"Merely Malfoy being an annoying git!" I watched my brother with a cold expression. He furrowed his eyebrows in return and his lips twitched. "Nothing I couldn't handle myself."

Draco came closer until our faces were mere inches from each other. His lips had turned into a snarky grin. "Right, tell yourself whatever you need to sleep at night, Jackson… Because you haven't been avoiding me like the coward you are."

I clenched my hands to fists when a sharp pain shot through my heart. I knew he was right but at the same time I was angry with him. Why did he have to be so annoyingly stubborn and persistent? I glared as darkly as I could when my voice changed to an icy snarl.

"Get the hell out of my way Draco Malfoy!" My anger increased as Draco's grin widened in satisfaction. He knew as well as I did that I was tired of arguing and trying to leave. Furiously, I grabbed the front of his shirt and growled lowly in his face. "Get out of my way and leave me alone!"

With that I pushed him back. The satisfied expression on his face made me want to punch him and cry at the same time. I was simply trying to protect him and keep immense pain from him. Why couldn't he leave me alone? Before either of us could say something however, we were interrupted once again. Immediately, Draco made a few steps back.

"What is the meaning of this?"

I froze instantly when Severus appeared next to us. He was glaring at us with a dark expression. When his gaze met mine, another shiver run down my spine. Black eyes bore sharply in mine. Guilt and sadness crushed down on me once again as I saw the spark of desperation in Severus' eyes. I bit my lip to keep myself from saying something inappropriate.

"Nothing, Sir… Jackson and I were merely discussing her growing trait of cowardice." Draco didn't avert his piercing angered stare from me once. While Severus watched him with an emotionless expression, mine was dominated by irritation once again. I knew exactly that he was still trying to make me talk to someone. Even if it meant to attract my anger by involving Severus or my friends. I growled lowly and curled my lips in annoyance. Unimpressed by my friends' stares or Severus' warning scowl, I shot daggers at Draco.

"Screw you, Malfoy!" I approached him again and glared as coldly as possible. I hissed lowly in his face but he showed himself unimpressed. "Fuck… you…!"

With that I whirled around and left with long strides before anyone could hold me back. I pointedly ignored Severus' call as I focused on my shaking body to stay in control. I felt my eyes stitching when I bore my nails deeply in my forearm. How the hell am I supposed to live like this? As if Draco would fight if he knew it would mean my death sooner or later… As if Severus would keep fighting… I'm a bloody complication for all of them…

Suddenly, a firm grip on my arm pulled me towards a deserted corridor. I growled and started protesting when I realized who was dragging me through the castle. I glared half-heartedly at Severus who kept his gaze firmly in front of him. His expression was wiped of every emotion, scaring off any student who dared staring for too long. I tried to pull my arm out of his tight grip but he wouldn't loosen it. Slowly, a freezing coldness enwrapped my heart when I realized that he wouldn't let me get away this time. Anxiously, I gritted my teeth and tried to keep my stitching eyes under control.

In front of an unknown door, he stopped and finally let go of me. Cursing under my breath, I rubbed my throbbing arm. Severus banged the door open but didn't enter. Instead he cast me a warning scowl which I returned merely half-heartedly. Then I slowly entered the deserted classroom. Numbly, I made my way over to the nearest window and crossed my arms. My heart felt heavy in my chest and I blinked several times to keep my eyes from watering. I heard Severus' robes rustling behind me as he cast the silencing and locking spell. A long nerve-wracking silence followed, during which I needed all my willpower not to give in to the pressure in my heart. The truth nagged painfully at my conscience though…

"Arya, I am sorry!"

The great pain in Severus' voice cut sharply through my heart. And increased my guilt immensely. I bore my nails deeply in my arms and lowered my head. My lip started bleeding when I bit down hard to keep myself from releasing the torturous desperation.

"I apologize for not having faith in you… For the pain I caused…! I accused you of breaking your promises, I mistrusted you, I said unforgivable things… And I was wrong! I swore never to cause you any harm, yet I did… … I promise… I will do everything in my power to make it right… I will not disappoint you again!"

My heart clenched painfully with the truth in his words. I could hear and sense his desperation and overwhelming guilt. My legs felt flabby all the sudden, my own guilt felt like ice in my gut. Breathing became almost impossible as the coldness spread in my body. I couldn't move however, as a few tears finally erupted my eyes and rolled down my cheeks.

"Forgive me Arya…"

"Stop it, please… Stop!" I pleaded quietly. My shoulders dropped defeated and my hands started shaking. I gulped when I felt the growing lump in my throat. My own nagging emotions turned my insides tight. Then I turned around. Severus' expression was unguarded and painful to look at. His face mirrored my own desperation. Sparkling black eyes bore deeply into my soul; the intense gaze dominated with guilt.

Desperation overwhelmed me at once. A sob escaped my mouth and my body started shaking. Absentminded, I lifted my hand and pressed it against my lips. I couldn't avert my eyes from the painful sight in front of me. I had heard Severus' apology but it didn't matter to me anymore. So long I had longed for these exact words from him, but now I could merely think about my curse. All the mistrust and pain had become unimportant in mere minutes with my father. The curse would inflict so much more harm than our dispute. But I could never tell anyone. I would never tell anyone – not even Severus; especially not him. I couldn't risk him or my friends hesitating in the proper moment to safe me. It would cause their deaths.

My mind and heart were heavy with my thoughts. The mere idea of being the cause for so much pain frightened and disgusted me. Slowly, I stepped closer whilst tears kept streaming down my face. Here he was, apologizing, when I was the one who should ask for forgiveness. Severus watched me intensely as I came to a halt. He stood frozen on the spot as he simply stared at me.

My insides were ice cold, my heart clenched painfully, my mind felt heavier than ever. Another sob escaped my mouth and suddenly I was reaching out for the man in front of me. Desperately, I clutched Severus' robes in my hands as my body started shaking. I dropped my head on his chest and finally started crying. My body trembled with each new wave of sobs. Severus pressed me tightly against his firm body.

Emotions overwhelmed me so strongly that I could barely breathe. At some point, I was kneeling on the floor and clutching Severus' robes. My whole body was shaking… Desperation clouded my mind, only leaving room for depressive thoughts… Sorrow pressed on my heart heavily… Guilt painfully nagged its way through my whole body, leaving a cold feeling of numbness…

Eventually, my crying and sobs had subsided. Severus rocked me soothing in his arms. He buried his face in my hair and held me as close as possible. At some point, I was finally able to move again. I lifted my head from Severus' chest and felt his hold loosen. As I released his robes, my hands fell somewhat lifeless in my lap. They felt cold and trembled slightly. My whole body felt more or less strange. My emotions were squeezing my heart painfully, but my body had no strength left to let them out. Slowly, I raised my head to look at Severus. He returned my helpless gaze with a guarded expression, but his eyes were treacherous. I saw nothing but pure fear in these black orbs. Severus was terrified by my decision.

"Don't leave me, Severus." I whimpered before I buried my face in the crook of his neck. I threw my arms around him and pressed me against him. "I need you." Severus let out a shaking breath of relief and clutched me tightly to his chest.

"I love you, Arya!" Severus murmured in my ear, pain dominating his voice. A cold shiver ran down my spine. Slowly, I pulled back and placed my hands on either side of his face. As soon as our eyes locked, a strong affection for the man in front of me warmed my body. Even though my heart was throbbing heavily with guilt, I felt grateful for having Severus.

Gently, Severus wiped away my tears and dried my face. I couldn't do anything except staring in awe. Then he placed a long kiss on my forehead. I changed my position so that I was sitting on his lap. Leaning my forehead against his, I closed my eyes and rested my arms on his shoulders. I forced myself to fully concentrate on Severus. With his scent engulfing me, his breath tickling my skin, the slight movement of his chest; my body and mind slowly calmed down.

"I'm sorry, Severus." I said quietly and averted my gaze. Nervously, I fidgeted with my fingers on my lap. "I… I never meant to push you away. I didn't do it because I was angry with you… Honestly, our argument was the last thing on my mind… I just needed to be alone after what happened."

Severus remained quiet so I looked up again. I cast him a sheepish gaze. His sorrowful expression made my heart pound loudly in my chest. Severus' black eyes watched me intensely, his lips pressed in a thin line. Then he sighed and shook his head. Gently, he placed one hand on my jaw and caressed my cheek with his thumb. Warmth filled my whole body when Severus watched me with love filled eyes.

"I know… The moment I saw you in the hospital wing, I realized for the first time how much you truly loathe him." Severus lowered his hands and rolled up the sleeve of his left forearm. He glanced shortly at me, and I inhaled sharply as he exposed my mark as well. I shivered at the sight of the black ink on my skin. It meant so much more than what Severus thought. He turned the palm of my hand upwards and held his marked forearm next to mine.

"I also noticed how you looked at the mark on your arm. It is the same look you have now." Confused, I lifted my gaze and watched Severus with wide eyes. He observed me closely as if he was searching for something in my eyes. "Since you came back with the portkey, I attempt to understand you… I understand your need for solitude, for I felt the same… In the hospital wing, when you looked into my eyes, however, you seemed so terribly distant… I watched you the last days, and that expression never left until you started crying earlier… And it returns at this instant."

A shiver of fear rushed through my whole body, leaving my insides ice cold. My heart was pounding rapidly in my chest now. I exhaled deeply and dropped my gaze to our marks. We were both bound to the darkest and most cruel wizard – until our deaths. There was no return from our curses that were so different and similar at once. Slowly, I lifted a shaking hand and traced the ink on Severus' lean forearm. I felt him flinch under my light touch, but he didn't pull back.

"He tortured me, Severus." I felt Severus tense instantly at my words. I started tracing my own mark and couldn't help the strong feeling of revulsion. Even though the ink was on my own skin; caressing it was even worse. When I raised my head again, I stared into Severus' ferocious burning eyes. "I know Harry told you what happened, but you weren't the one who pointed his wand at me…"

I kept staring into black eyes until I felt him exhaling a shaking breath. His gaze lost a bit of its wrath, nevertheless he had his jaw clenched. My heart stitched painfully when I could still see remorse in his eyes. As soon as I averted my gaze, my thoughts drifted away to the night that had changed my whole life.

"My own father tortured me." I spat somewhat disgusted. "I will never understand how a parent can torture their own child…" I paused as I remembered the full impact of the Cruciatus Curse again. Severus took my hands in his and started rubbing small circles on their back. "I didn't know myself how much I hate him until I saw him again. I hate him for torturing so carelessly! I hate him for threatening you! I hate him for killing Cedric!"

Sighing, I looked back at Severus. The warmth in his eyes brought to the surface what I had tried to bury deep in my heart for years. Suddenly, I felt exhausted and tired. "I… I know without him I wouldn't be here, but I despise him for being my father. I never told anyone, not even Draco. But sometimes, I selfishly wish that I'd never been born… Because, to the core of my being, I feel so… terribly ashamed to be his daughter! I may not be like him, nevertheless I feel so extremely guilty for his actions. My father is the darkest wizard of all times… My father killed dozens of innocent people… My father caused so much pain in the past and now he's back… And I'm afraid, Severus. I'm afraid because I understand the whole impact of his actions now… I mean, I feel so ashamed that I couldn't even attend Cedric's funeral. How could I have stood in front of his parents, when my own father was the one who killed him?"

"You are not responsible for the crimes he commits, Arya!" Severus' eyes sparkled dangerously now. Coldness enwrapped my heart once again when I simply couldn't stop myself. Scoffing, I pulled back and got on my feet. In a heartbeat, I was facing a tall mass of black robes towering over me.

"Hell, I know that, alright?! But what about all the people outside of this room?" Furiously, I raised my voice at Severus, who turned more irritated by the second. "As soon as they find out who I am, they'll fear me. Parents will tell their children to stay away from me. No matter what I do or say, people will always doubt me! And they're right!"

Severus' lips curled aggressively, his expression livid. Black eyes bore sharply in mine as he stepped even closer; leaving mere inches between our bodies. Growling in frustration, I inclined my head forcefully. Severus' height made me realize how short I was next to him – and I didn't like it at all. "You may not like it, but you are his daughter." He spat threatening slow, sending freezing shivers down my spine. I pressed my lips in a thin line and glared fiercely in black burning eyes. "But neither are you like him, nor responsible for his decisions. So if you wish to convince these fools out there, you better start believing it."

I squinted my eyes at him as a burning wave of rage enwrapped my whole body. I started yelling, deeply lost in my hatred for the monster. "I will never convince them! NEVER…! My damn father made sure that I see no reason to try. I HATE HIM, I DESPISE HIM SO MUCH…! AND I WILL KILL HIM FOR WHAT HE DID…! I WILL KILL HIM FOR EVERY DAMN DEATH HE CAUSED…! … … I want to kill him, Severus! I want to kill him and every damn Death Eater who's a true follower! And if I can only kill them by using their own weapons against them, then so be it! … HE WILL PAY FOR DESTROYING MY WHOLE LIFE! HE WILL PAY FOR TURNING ME INTO A MONSTER! … I will kill every single Death Eater who dares to stand in my way! I will break every single promise I ever made! … … So look me in the eyes and tell me that I'm not like him! …TELL ME!"

In the blink of an eye, Severus gripped my arms painfully tight and lowered his face to mine. An awful expression of revulsion I had never seen before contorted his face. I growled in protest but he kept piercing me with a hard gaze.

"What are you keeping from me?" He snarled ferocious. Coldness enwrapped my heart and turned my insides to ice. Crying out in frustration, I tried to get out of his grip. Severus bared his teeth and growled daunting. "What… are… you… keeping… from… me… Arya?! Spit it out… NOW!"

I froze right on the spot, my anger suddenly gone. I heard a pulse in my ears; my heart pounding heavily against my ribcage. With wide eyes, I stared at Severus without really seeing him. And then, all the sudden, I was ripped out of my trance like state as the pressure on my arms subsided. A warm hand under my chin forced my head up. I blinked at surprisingly calm black orbs whilst my whole body was still fighting the overwhelming fear… Great fear – awoken by Severus' recognition.

"You are speaking out of hatred, Arya." Severus watched me closely, as if he was trying to decipher my thoughts. I gritted my teeth and cast him a pleading look. What I was pleading for, I didn't know. When he spoke again, his voice had lost its sharp edge. "Hatred and self-loathing… What aren't you telling me?"

I gulped and stared defeated in worried dark eyes. My mind, however, was working rapidly, trying to find an answer to satisfy him without actually telling the truth. Severus sighed and gently brushed back some strands of hair. I let out a shaking breath; my skin prickling when I felt the light touch of his fingers. Then I dropped my gaze and fidgeted with my trembling fingers.

"He's changed…" I said quietly. "The image of Tom Riddle's gone. There's nothing left except for an ugly, misshapen figure that has merely a remote resemblance to a human being… He's as pale as a bone. His skin resembles that of a snake; just like his face which has no nose or lips. He has emotionless, scarlet eyes… He looks cruel; every single part of his body is dark magic. There's no humanity left in him…"

Absentminded, I had closed my eyes, the image of my father clearly in mind. The mere thought of it made me shiver with disgust.

"Look at me…" Gently, Severus cupped my cheek and I lost myself in the soft, velvet voice. "The creature you just described has no resemblance with what I see right now. You are the most beautiful being, Arya Jackson. You are a fairy in your heart; you might not see it now but I do. Stop worrying what others may think of you and be yourself. For you are a good person! Whoever believes otherwise is a fool."

I couldn't do anything except staring at him in awe. His words had unfrozen my whole body. Suddenly, the pressure on my chest was gone; the heavy feeling in my heart vanished. My mind had stopped coming up with all kind of negative ideas. My fear was buried deeply again, safely stowed away for the moment. I could almost feel happy again – if there weren't the nagging feeling of guilt left. Severus cupped my face now and leaned his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes and exhaled deeply. A warm feeling exploded in my chest when I felt Severus' breath tingle my skin.

"You will never wish for not having been born ever again, Arya. What is done, is done…" Determined, he pulled back and pierced me with fierce eyes. Goose bumps erupted on my skin when I saw his carefully concealed expression. "Promise me!"

I gulped down the forming lump in my throat before I nodded. "I promise."

There was a long silence; finally interrupted when Severus let out a deep breath. Satisfied with whatever he had found in my eyes, he rested his forehead against mine again. Almost too quiet to hear, he murmured under his breath. "Despite your unaccountable opinion that I am independent and unflinching… I need you."

I tensed at his words; guilt haunting me once again. I could feel how coldness started spreading and desperately fought it back. Relief slowed my heartbeat as I managed to keep the guilt at bay. How, I wouldn't know. After a while, a thought came into my mind. Defeated to my own inner emotional fight, I sighed deeply before pulling back a little. Severus' hand wandered further in my hair, keeping me close. Softly, he brushed my nose with his before placing a gentle kiss on my forehead. Only then, he released me with a blank expression.

"I want to speak with Dumbledore and McGonagall about what happened…" I stated carefully.

"Are you certain?" Severus furrowed his eyebrows. I averted my gaze and bit the inside of my cheek. Little did he know that I would lie to them as well – increasing my guilt even more. Cold black eyes stared down at me.

"Yes… She's the only person who knows about my past without having been a part of it. Yet she sees nothing but plain Arya in me." I added quietly.

Severus raised one eyebrow, his lips pressed in a thin line. Half-heartedly, I watched him questioning in return but he dismissed it smoothly. Then he stepped back, clearing his face of all emotions in the process. Absentminded, I watched as he swiftly lifted his protection spells.

"We should leave now." Severus snapped me out of my thoughts. The cold mask gave nothing away but I saw a flash of worry in the deeps of his eyes. I shook my head curtly to free my mind before following him out of the room.