Broken ****Chapter Seven

My attorney argued on my behalf as he had been paid to do, its funny how the stenographer sits in the same upright position typing on an alphanumeric keyboard and manages to record every word during each session. Yet they stare at the defendant who isn't speaking at all on numerous accounts, and sometimes never see the one who speaks. Had it been the scar? I'd seen her when they asked if I needed an attorney, I wonder if she had recorded what I said and whether or not it had haunted her in her sleep. Had she went home and cried? She'd tried another shade this time, ill tempered, she fiercely beat the keyboard and boldly stared upside my muthafuckin head like she didn't still look like a raccoon. I bet she had left that part out. And the District Attorney, he'd unevenly whacked at his beard and tried to fix the dye job. His arrogance was a cover up for the hate he really felt for me, he hadn't wanted my conviction to seem personal. The truth can really hurt. I had had a long talk with Ryan before I left Seg 6, I was afraid we would be put out of the courtroom, Mike warned me. Miss Lewis had shown up with the same wig on she had bought before I got locked up, she waved and told me to be strong. She smiled at her grandbaby. Ryan just wouldn't be still...the baby gibberish was distracting the stenographer, she kept fucking up, I was trying to calm--- well mothers know how it is, was that bitch childless?! She really couldn't hold that against me. I had wanted to get it over with, we needed no distractions. I was trying to figure out why Redd had written the prosecutor in code, this shit was our secret! Mike said he lied too damn much, and I had started to believe it. Just like the night he watched me and Terrell.

He was so angry, Terrell hadn't known.

Kerri! I loved my sister so, so much...I cried real hard. I showed her Ryan, they made me sit down. I told her about the baby on the phone, she couldn't wait to meet her. She cried harder than I had when I showed her. She looked so hurt. I thought about sending the baby home she just said she would think about it. I wonder why she didn't answer when I asked about Boogie...

Redd sat beside his attorney two seats down, we agreed not to go to trial, we were happy about it, I could concentrate on my family now. I held my necklace.

I combed my hair the best I could and put on Ryan's clothes, Mommy knew she needed to do better.

The stenographer tried to get every word, she just couldn't keep up! So many other people to look at, she chose me. I finally asked her what in the flying fuck was she looking at?

'Your honor, I recommend the defendant to be admitted to the Leonard Bates-Yarbrough Psychiatric Hospital for a period of 6 months to undergo a mental evaluation. She is incompetent to stand trial.'

I wanted to know why I needed to go to trial, guilty...guilty...guilty! I told them right then...

'She clearly has experienced some type of traumatic breakdown. She has attempted to commit suicide while in segregation. And thinks...well we need to be sure if her decision to plead guilty is, um appropriate given these circumstances. She hasn't eaten and has undergone numerous seizures, she keeps refusing her meds. We're looking at a very sick 28 year old woman.'

'YOUR HONOR MRS. GIVENS HAS KNOWLEDGE OF EVERYTHING TAKING PLACE!"

I called out to Redd, Baby..."What's going on? I told u I would say I did it, why they trippin?"

'Your honor, with all due respect to the defendant, she's been sending letters to our office, with "playstation" symbols drawn on them. She needs some type..."

(Laughter)

*Gavel*

'ORDER!'

'And I have reports from the infirmary that she has created multiple 'associates' in her mind.'

'She doesn't need to be evaluated Your Honor! She's made it clear she's guilty!'

'COUNSEL APPROACH THE BENCH!'

(Approaches)

'U two are about one syllable away from contempt in...'

Ryan, well I had been trying to potty train her and she'd had an accident. I'd thought 2 years was old enough, Daddy tried to potty train us at 18 months.

When I needed diapers though Killa had my back. Her daddy...well u know.

'U two had better be ready to move forward 16 weeks from today! (Gavel) Next Matter!'

I missed Redd so much but I knew I had made the right decision, I hadn't wanted him to die. His lips were so pink, I had never noticed how long his eyelashes were. I could also tell he had gained a lot of weight, his uniform was too small. I searched for his dick print but could not find it I guess I didn't turn him on anymore. That was fine too. Mike loved me now, I knew he did. And he hadn't cheated or made me fuck nobody else. He would get so angry though, He hated Killa! I would tell Killa and he said Mike was bad fucking news. He knew Mike and said I was not suppose to let him in, he started acting like a real bitch.I told him I wasn't finna argue with no fuckin clown. And like I said, Mike understood, he said he had made bad choices before too. Killa stopped calling and wouldn't answer anymore now. I fed Ryan the trays and hadn't had any snacks.

I screamed Redd's name as the guard walked him out, he was such a pussy! He was really starting to rub me the wrong way. He had never been a deadbeat dad why would he all of a sudden not have any interest in our child now! I was pissed! She typed...I called him every muthafucka I could think of. His mother and his sister rushed from the courtroom...maybe they hadn't known either, shit how the fuck did I know?

Two days after court, they came and took me to a hospital. I was afraid that Mike would not be able to come too. I knew he loved me but if I went home I would never see him again.