Better To Me Than Myself **** Chapter Forty-Two

The OB/GYN seemed to have a genuine concern about the 7 week old fetus I carried, I was so fragile and during the coma the oxygen supply to my baby had decreased causing its heart rate to slow down, he fretted I would have a placental eruption, the odds of delivering the baby were slim to none. The nausea was so bad, it resulted from them trying to regulate the right medication to treat all of my current conditions. I had fought and fought I had no more fight left, they had tried to not restrain me but eventually ended up doing so. Dr. York, the new Obstetrician mentioned my baby being born with cleft palate, skeletal defects, and heart abnormalities. As usual I sat emotionless but was dying inside. The hurt was unbearable, no amount of sedatives could take away the grief. The memories were taunting, the love I had for Twan was indescribable, the only thing I could do was pretend he was there with me, I had to erase the fact I knew he wasn't coming back. My love, I had fucked up, it was my fault I knew it was! All the what-ifs were populating in my thoughts and I spake them, the car---he'd told me to drive his car! He would have never left home if I would have just driven his car! I had taken my children's father away from them, he loooooved them! WHYYYYYY! Lord WHY! The child inside felt every knife that went through my heart, it felt as if someone was stabbing me repeatedly and forcing me to stay alive. I would not react to anything and they threatened giving me a feeding tube, I would not eat, I began to eat the puree they brought but could not keep it down. They could not understand, I wanted to die! They could not make me eat! I could not even eat for his child, I was so sorry. All I knew was he left me and life was not what I wanted. The ache of losing them all at once was so---

One day I heard him loud and clear saying, "feed my son". I didn't have the energy to raise a spoon to my mouth, I was gone.

His voice was louder than all the others, I could---hear him? How so? I began to try.

I wanted to talk to him just one more time, touch him and see his face. I had been waiting for him in my dreams, I had so much to say to him. I was sorry for not coming to the funeral, I was sorry for leaving him, I was just sorry for being fucked up! He had not cared I was abused, he loved me unconditionally! I just wanted to sleep and wait for him. I needed an angel so bad and he would not come.

My belly yet grew, my child was a fighter.

Trenton would visit, it had taken me a while to even respond to the bullshit he was talking about. He could not console me and since I was only not communicating with him because I chose not to and not because I was too doped up, I finally told him one day, he could never be Antwan Carter. I immediately saw the hurt in his eyes, but muthafucka feel my pain. I had gave Twan my soul and he had taken it with him, I wanted to kill everything walking. I knew Trent just wanted to help, he had said he was in love with me. He told me shit about being so infatuated, he had to get counseling. He just would not stay away. He combed my hair, rubbed my feet, brushed my teeth and brought me every pajama set he ran across. "Whenever u are ready to go home, just say so. I will take care of u and your kids." He rubbed my belly one day and I broke down. I had not wanted him to touch me, I wanted Twan! No one could take his place. I was so broken, I did not want to live and I hated Trent's persistency.

How had he even found me! He was so far away from home and it had taken me awhile to realize he was living out of a hotel, he needed to be admitted because he had lost his fucking mind if he ever thought we would be together! He didn't even have the decency and respect to let me heal! I lost it one morning, "WHY DO U HATE TWAN SO MUUUCH!???"

He had never said anything good about him, I just hadn't understood. Finally I believe he saw my pain, he said "I'm sorry, I just---"

He opened the drawer beside my bed and took out the ring that had been inside for months and was on his way out of the room when the nurse came inside with a wheelchair, "Time for Amnio!"

He giggled and kept walking. One thing I had noticed was that his eating routine had changed, he had lost a lot of weight and I had known he could not possibly still have a job, he visited me too frequently. How was he surviving?

I began to talk to Twan, disregarding whoever the fuck heard me, they didn't know. Trenton hadn't come back and I remember the doctor saying my neurological system was weakening, my consciousness was becoming impaired. He sat down and spoke to me as a person and not a patient, he told me his struggle with being mentally challenged as a child, and how he had defied the odds. We were about the same age, and he would come by just because he wanted to see if I was eating, or improving. He had no other patients, only me. A couple months passed and after the ultrasound, I was informed I was having a boy. I couldn't even show any emotion and even though they had also hinted at him having an extra chromosome I knew he would be okay, I had spoke him into existence, and not for him to ever suffer.

Trenton finally returned on Christmas Eve, Twan had been dead almost 6 months. He brought a box with a red bow on it, I could see the mall and its decorations from my 8th floor window, Christmas was just another day, I had babies but where were they? I had become numb inside and angry, I yet waited on Twan. I was alone, but Trenton had come with a gift. I opened it, it had been Twan's obituary. There were so many pictures, his childhood photos, softball and little league pictures. I began to cry, the ink began to run from the page as the salty tears landed on his images. Trenton just looked, and began to apologize. "I thought u would want it, u have turned down everything I have tried to give u, even my heart. So just hang on to what's gone."

I had my Love's picture, I could see his face. Fuck what he was talking about.

"I thought u may wanna know about your babies, if u want to see them u can."

Had I heard him right? How could I see them? Don't the state have custody?

"U know I can't leave."

"Yea. That's your choice though. I wanna help u as much as I can."

I didn't say anything only looked at Twan's picture. It was as if he was staring at me. I could almost hear him telling me to get up for his children. While Trenton visited, the nurse came in dressed as an elf and administered the pills, she advised me they were lowering the dosage because I had improved. I had never saw her before but she was gentle and sang silent night. She made me smile because she invited me to a bar, and asked what was my favorite drink. I didn't have one, I wasn't normal. I couldn't operate smart phones, I knew nothing about music, all I knew to do was kill.

Trenton offered to bathe me, his concern had been how they had been treating me since he had been away. The bag he had sat on the chair by the door contained shampoo, soap, panties and of course---pajamas. He sprayed Bath and Body Works in the room he brought as well and said he thought I would like it. "U don't have to love me, I will love u anyways. Get up go shower, I'll help." I took him up on the shower offer even though I was never helpless as he always assumed I was, if I could do nothing else I could wash my own ass. I had not had a seizure in over 4 months so I could stand in the shower. I undressed and asked him to come inside to talk. He was surprised, he had wheeled me to the bathroom and hadn't stayed inside. I could see him fighting an unknown emotion through the shower curtain crack, his breathing was shallow, at one point he leaned his head against the wall to regain his composure. I saw his eyes water and he said, "Im sure u got it from here," and quickly turned and left the bathroom.

I came out shortly after with shampoo still in my hair unknowingly, he offered to help get it out so I got back in the shower and stood naked when he came back inside with the curtain opened. He climbed inside fully clothed and began to kiss me, begging me not to fight him. It felt like lightning went through my body. He stepped back after seeing me expressionless and apologized repeatedly, for some reason he was ashamed. That was awkward. He got out wet as fuck while I washed the soap from my own hair. I knew visiting hours was almost over and I began to get sad, knowing I would spend Christmas Eve night alone. I wanted my life back, the child inside was not even active as all my others had been. He could feel my sadness, I knew he could. I just prayed he could fight for me, I could not fight for him.

That night I lay facing the window and Twan spoke to me, it sounded as if he laid beside me. "Get up."

I sat up, and it was like I felt him in the room. "Do whatever u have to do."

I didn't understand, but I did. Did he know what I had to do to get out, what else could he have meant? My own Mama and Daddy would not get me out! As the days passed he would urge me to get my babies in my head. They had lowered my dosage and I could hear him! What the fuck?!

When I had been there 180 days I had not known they could not hold me for more than 6 months, besides my commitment had been involuntary and they had determined I could not continue to waste taxpayers dollars if I was no longer a threat to myself. I had not shown any signs. I was in Arlington and didn't know anyone, I wanted to stay. I had known it was freezing cold, January 12th.

The following Sunday they rolled the wheelchair to the room and told me to gather my stuff. My doctor had come as well as my regular nurse, who spoke highly of my improvement. I knew I had been fragile and still was. I was only temporarily medicated, the pain would return, the hurt, the need for revenge and the anger. Dr. York had concern for my unborn son. He believed he would likely be a sick child and I knew I was to blame.

I wondered where I was going, would they just put me on the curb?

"We called your husband, he should be in patient transport."

HUSBAND?

Trenton waited for me, I could see his smile as I exited the transport doors, he got out and opened the passenger door, "Hey Babe! Im glad u coming home!"

"I bet she is happy too! She can take better care of your son now!" the nurse said. I wanted to throw up on her.

He had a lot of bags and clothes in car like he had been living out of it for months. I wondered where he was taking me, "Are u hungry?" He asked.

"Yes," I humbly said.

He placed an online order for pizza and got on I20. We picked it up and I tried to eat wondering how I would ditch that nigga. I instantly remembered the day Twan was killed and had known we would likely pass the location, I could not handle it. The memories would return. Instead he headed toward Irving. Had he moved to---Irving? "I got a surprise," he said.

We rode for about 20 minutes, exited on Live Oak and turned on Abbey. I didn't recognize the home but the car that sat out front looked familiar I just didn't know whose it was. As he killed the engine I saw the front door open, a young boy appeared. Jeremy? Carmella?!!! I saw Ryella run to the door, and heard Carmella yell, "Peaches! Come back, u don't have on shoes!" Jeremy caught her around the waist and picked her up over his head, "Come back here! Ma, we got company!" he said.

"Ok, tell them to come in, im feeding Scooter!"

I could not get out fast enough, Ryella! Twan would have been so happy, I realized at that moment the only people who ever cared were strangers. "Girl, get in here! How are u?" She asked, I couldn't stop crying, I reached for Ryella she was chunky as hell! But my twins, they did not look like turtles, she was feeding my son, and my daughter was in the bed with her husband asleep. I was so overwhelmed. My babies had brought so much joy to the Long family I hated to take them. They had relocated because she didn't have enough room for the three babies. I vaguely remembered seeing her the day Twan was killed, or did I? Regardless, how the hell did Trent know who had my babies? I had to ask. It was a couple weeks later when he said, he had been following me since I had been back in Texas, he even knew about Nikki. He saw Carmella take my babies, he said she would not even talk to the police but said she was the grandmother. She mentioned how she panicked when she saw Peaches standing out barefoot, she was on the freeway. He said he knew he could not take care of them and The Longs were more than delighted. Also she knew a lot about the case, Twan's death was being investigated and the stop had not been routine. "Tobias knows what happened, don't think Antwan wasn't targeted. He know people, Carlita's brother is a police. Why were y'all stopped, the report says nothing about speeding."

I didn't know what to think but he had a point, I hadn't known if we were speeding but I needed to find about Officer Corey Lawson.

I hesitated to take the babies, I knew I would likely return with Trenton, I had nowhere to go.

He insisted though and when we arrived in Louisiana at his new home, their room had been already decorated. Calliope was spelled out in pastel letters over Ryella's bed, and the twins had cribs. He was doing too much.

"One thing I know about Antwan," he said one day, "he left these kids a lot of money somewhere."