Mother I am

This first month has been quite sleepless. I insist the princess and her nurse maid stay in my personal palace instead of a separate room. She is my daughter and I would like to have eyes on her at all times if possible. Since the Empress Dowager has insisted the nurse maid take care of her then I get to at least always have her near. Even if she does cry often in the middle of the night. Which always pulls on my heart, however the nurse maid is quick to it which makes me feel better. She told me she's had 6 baby's herself.

Sister Ning had come by to have tea. "You know she looks just like you, very beautiful! So precious" she said.

"Yes that may be true and all but The Emperor wanted a prince and I'm worried sister. He hasn't come to see me in so long..." I noticed my eyes were watering so I closed my eyes. "Sister! Stop worrying please you had his heart before all of us, and he hasn't seen me either you know" she said touching my hand. "He actually been spending time with First attendant Yue and her sister First attendant Shu." I clenched my jaw but before I opened my mouth I remembered my place. "Oh well I suppose that is good news for the harem and the Empress Dowager will be pleased" she just nodded in reply but I could see the sadness in her eyes.

I was summoned by the Empress Dowager the next day. She had sent me some richly colored silk dresses recently and I decided to wear the dark blue, it had a lotus blossom embroidered on the top. That's when I noticed they all did, how thoughtful of her. I smiled to myself and let Huiqing finish my hair. Using my jade hair set of course...along with the set of dangling jade pins sister Mingyu gave me. A tear leaked out and I sighed wiping it away. Huiqing squeezes my shoulder and gave a me a warm smile.

The Empress Dowager told me not to bring the princess until she's older and stronger. Its my first time leaving her and it feels like leaving a limb. We immediately sat down and were served tea upon my arrival. "Why do you look so melancholy today?" She asked me bluntly. "Queen Mother I apologize I just didn't get much rest last night" to which she replied sternly. "That's because you won't let the child sleep in a different room. Stop being silly please? I choose a very reliable person to look after our princess so don't insult me."

"Yes Queen Mother I apologize I will trust you." I said in reply because maybe she's right, it just makes me nervous. "Okay stop apologizing and listen to why I have summoned you my child" she said and I nodded. She continued "I'm sure you know the sisters have attracted The Emperors attention. I want you to befriend them, i have invited them over. I have prepared a gift for them, red jasper jade beaded necklaces. They have a very nice scent." She said giving me a warning look. Hmm. Curious but she obviously doesn't want me to ask.

Tea with sister Yue and sister Shu was actually very pleasant. They both play and sing so we decided we shall get together soon and play together, with Sister Ning and Sister Daiyu. This pleased the Empress Dowager of course. She then gave them the gifts and me one as well which I did not expect. But mine was a matching pair of red jasper jade bracelets. No Scent. Hmm. More curious. The girls were ecstatic of course. Such a rare stone and such a beautiful scent. Thanking the Empress Dowager profusely.

Tonight when I got back I asked Huiqing if she knew anything about about scented jade. "Miss did you get something scented? Your father told me to be weary of any gifts that are edible or scented." Sitting in the dressing chair I turned and looked at her "Why would he say that?" She replied seriously" Because miss someone could poison you this way or even make you loose a child with the right ingredients. What happened?" Hmm. I need to know more. "I want you to find out what family/clan the sisters come from and their backgrounds. But do so very quietly please, I don't want anyone to notice." I told her. I cannot tell her what I think. That scent could be anything and I hope it's not bad but why wouldn't mine be scented as well? I want to know more about their families ties to palace. Maybe then I will get a better idea of what's going on.

I pray tonight to the Goddess for a better tomorrow. And had a beautiful dream of her holding my beautiful princess and blessing her. "I hope you are overjoyed with the princess you've always wanted my dearest. A mother you are." she said to me sweetly. "Of course my Goddess but everyone else desired a prince including the Emperor" I said honestly. "Well dearest if that's what you desire as well now you must stop being so blue all the time, you must remember what I said." She smiles and the dream fades....she said to live in happiness. That's surely getting harder to do...but I shall always try.