Chapter 3: numbness

Two days into my fast

I feel numb, exhausted, dizzy, cold, but happy and proud at the same time.

Life hasn't get any better. Felling every part of my soul slowing but fast leaving my body is it time, should I go? Questioning everything, the only thing that feels right is not eating. Today I went to have dinner with my dad and we just talked and talked and I realized how much progress he has made with himself, know he has more compassion and finally realized that my mental health is more important that a stupid grade last year my stress levels and anxiety where in the clouds now they got a bit lower but I'm still working on it. In the other part my eating disorder is not going so good but he doesn't need to know that. All I want is for him to be proud of me.

Eating disorders are rarely ever portrayed accurately on tv. They aren't just skipping lunch one day or thinking a certain outfit makes you look fat. It starts simple and innocent, until one day is not. It goes from throwing up because you are to much food you got sick, to becoming addicted to the way your stomach feels emptier after getting rid of the food in it. It goes from restricting a normal amount of food, to crying because you ate twice in a day. Eating disorders are not pretty. It's grades slipping because you don't have the energy to study and you can't concentrate in class because the only thing you're thinking about is how you can get through dinner tonight without eating. It's ruining friendships because you cancel every plan you make, terrified it involves eating. Some days you'll eat and not feel guilty. Other days you'll want to tear your skin apart after one bite. It's knowing you need help but not having the first clue how to ask for it.

I just want a day where it feels like I'm not falling apart any more,

I'm tired of being such a burden to everyone every day I get more tired of living, I want it to end, and just disappear I mean my soul left my body maybe it's time.