Chapter 4: thoughts

Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts.

Do I want to get better?

Do I want my life back?

Questions with no answers.

The day couldn't get any worse, my life is falling apart (again) one of my friends (lets call her vanessa)  she was diagnosed with cancer and after that her family send her to a group home because she tried to kill herself.

My other friend (lets call her Noura) she is depressed again and now fights anorexia just like me and vanessa. All I can think about is if I should tell them or not. Tell them how I just want to disappear but I don't at least not until I'm perfect, how every time I eat I feel  disgraceful, how I wish i could rip of my skin and reach my bones or how good it feels to purge and finally feel empty. But what happens it they don't like me like that, what happens if they think I can't handle their problems because I have my own, I guess I'll never know. But what I do know is that so much stronger than what they think.

In the other hand my sister is back in tumblr (again) and I'm just preparing because thats all I can do I cant help them but I can hug them and tell them everything will be okay even if it won't.

I wish everything was different.

But life is not about a wish, I'm just 14 and I already feel like dying.

In the good part of my day: I haven't self harm in a long time.

All I can think of is my therapist telling me: the truth hurts and you have anorexia nervosa and bulimia. Or my nutritionist telling my have an apple a day is not healthy either is weighing a 100 pounds.

The worst is that I was proud of it and I should've.

I wish I was me and not this person I have become.