Chapter 8: misery

It's been a week of living in misery and despair.

My best friend is gone for the week because she is traveling with her family (as usual) but I just pretend like if I don't need her here.

If she would only know if we don't talk one day I feel worse about myself and cry to sleep. I never thought I would need someone for existing.

And besides today my boy best friend (lets called him Matt)  is being an asshole to me all day long, for no reason, telling me I'm not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough not even human enough. Every word that came out of his mouth was like a stab to the heart and I couldn't do anything, I could take it from anybody but him. I thought he was different and that he cared. I guess I was wrong he is just like everybody else. Shit.

I have never felt more betrayed.

I thought he was my friend.... but again, I'm always wrong.

Vanessa is getting so much better. You can finally see true light in her eyes, her smile is back also her laugh. Her eyes are not lost any more.

But I am and if I'm lost the how can I find myself.

I'm drowning and nobody realizes.

I'm not getting any better, I really try, but at the end I go back to fasting and purging every day. At least now I try to be better at school for thinking something and distract myself from my mind.

The only thing good about this week is that I've learn that villains sometimes are disgust as friends and my true friends are everything to me and reason I'm alive. I'm going to try to be better not for me but for the people I care about.

My head is about to explode, my chests feels like if I carried a bag of rocks for my thoughts. Burden is in the back of my neck picking and picking until i fall on my knees. My eyes roll looking for answers and reasons not to disappear. My heart beats on a way that it tries to be so loud like a scream but instead it sounds like my voice, quite and unpleasant. My mind keeps and keeps with the thinking but not with the important things.

My hands shake as fast as bunny outside in a cold night.

Everything is out of control. I'm falling apart piece by piece and there is nothing i can do.

For being more realistic my head and chest and more of physical pain so I might need to see a doctor or so.

I hope I have nothing so I can keep with my pathetic and ordinary life.

My best friend is not okay, she keeps with the self harm but at least she expresses more feelings with me so I can help her.

My twin is being a pain in the ass, trying no downgrade herself, trying to get sick and have anorexia. Sometimes she is actually stupid how I wish she could live a day in life and realize what it actually is to be sick all the time and feel awful and can't do shit about it.

If she keeps with it two more days I'm telling my parents so they send her to see a doctor or something. She is so smart but doesn't realize.

I really hope she realizes she has a hole life ahead of her and its only starting.

How I wish I had a future. A family. A life.

But maybe I will you never know.

School sucks. But at least I have all my depressed friends and ed friends (without sounding rude, sadly all my friends have depression or anorexia maybe both)