Chapter 10: tiredness

I'm tired.

I keep giving everything and I get nothing.

Why do I'm like this?

My best friends changed of class and its okay because in my class a guy made her feel terrible but I miss her, I miss her so much. My day was not the same, it was actually worse than any other day.

I have the need for crying and screaming all the time again but I can't because people would think I'm bad again. The worse is that I'm not better and I keep waiting for someone to notice but they don't. I'm actually worse. I eat because I have to but I don't want to. Every time I take a bite of my food I imagine myself purging it and purging, I also imagine myself crying in the floor thinking about the calories.

Why?

I try to get better but I can't alone. I can't tell my parents because they think I'm better and they have lost so much money because of me and my disorders.

I'm so pathetic.

I tried, I really did.

The worse is that even if I try is never enough.

Even if my friends know they can't do anything about it. They tried. We all did. But I'm just so tired of trying and failing.

Why if I try to get better I cant?

I have never hated myself so much that I got to the point that if I see a mirror I cry my eyes out.

I have nightmares every night and I can't sleep anymore because I think of my stupid life and cry.

My anxiety is the worse now. Everything gives me a bad time. I'm so sad. I think of my future and I'm scare. I think of my life and I'm sad. I think of the past and it breaks my heart.

Why do I keep hurting?

Today I'm back at my dad's house for the day and the moment I got in I just wanted to cry.

I miss him everyday, I miss his house, I miss my bed, I miss the rays of sunshine in my room. I miss everything about this house but I mostly miss him.

I miss him kissing me good night, I miss him hugging me in the morning I miss his words of kindness that warm my heart and soul.

I hate myself so much.

The only bad thing is that this house also brings me bad memories, I remember my first fast as if it was yesterday, I remember my first cut, I remember engraving in my skin the word "FAT" so I wouldn't forget that I'm fat. I still have that scar in my left thigh. I remember my first purge, my first stage up meal, my first time drinking diet pills, my first time drinking green tea, my first time crying to sleep because I was hungry or just sad. I also remember how much I suffered here but sometimes I had a good time.

It kills me that my home brings me bad memories.

I fucked up in life.

I miss my dad. I miss my life.