Chapter 12: november

I haven't been very active at anything. This just to be my scape but its not anymore.

For a very short time I thought my life was getting better, I was starting to understand who I am and who I want to be. Sadly it didn't lasted long, my best friend is just going away so slowly I can feel her fading and letting go of my hand little by little, it kills me not to have her by my side but I want the very best for her and I understand if she want to go, I really do. Another friend of mine doesn't talk to me as much anymore they both left me. What's even worse is that they are leaving because of my sister, she has always been better than me at everything and now she is even taking my friends away but its okay. I was so alone and I was falling trying to keep myself together but it became to much, it was to much I couldn't take it anymore so I did the only thing that gives me confort, I login into tumblr again. While I was scrolling down my feed I realised how sick I was for liking all that stuff, the thinspo, the tips for purging, tips for hiding food it was awful but that was me. A couple of days ago I weighed myself again after months of not doing it and I saw I gained 10 pounds, I couldn't believe it. I feel terrible, fat, a failure, a disgrace and so many other things so i went to the kitchen and I almost everything on my fridge until I couldn't anymore. I went to the bathroom and purged it all until my throat couldn't take it anymore. I'm starting to fast again and nobody cares, why should they? I felt again and nobody sees me bleeding out on the floor. I tried talking to my friends but they tell me the same shit " you are going to be okay" "everything will work out" "I'm sorry" "you just have to keep trying" "it gets better" "you are beautiful don't loose weight" and so many other things but I don't want to here it anymore. I just want them to hold my hand and be there and they are not, they just tell me crap I don't believe because no matter how hard I try I just can't love myself. I'm so tired again and my sister and my cousin (I'm spending the week with them in my grandmas house) just keep excluding me and they don't care if they hurt my feelings. I tried so hard to me kind at people and they just took advantage of me and treated like trash. Why is it so hard?