Chapter 13: recovery

Happy new year I guess. I haven't been writing in a while, maybe it's because a lot has going on in my life or maybe because I feel like its a lot but it's actually nothing. I want to get my life together but there's so many factors that don't let me. My best friend keeps cutting and starving herself and it kills me to see her like that. I wish she could see herself the way I see her, it will be easier. I don't get it, she says she trusts me but she never tells me how she feels, she acts one way when someone is in the room and another when its only the 2 of us, I want to believe that her true self is when she is with me. Maybe because I refuse to believe she is not as good as I thought she was or maybe because she is my best friend and I see her as the person who keeps me together. The boy that used to like me has changed a lot, last year he would tell me how beautiful I was and how important. Now he tells me I'm not worth shit and that I'm this cold person and I'm always mean to everybody. Comments hurt, and a lot. His words feel as if he was choking me and killing me slowly. I try so hard to be kind and good to everyone, I do this because nobody does it to me, so I do it to people. Its so frustrating because he flirts with other people and treats them good, gives them compliments but once a week he asks me if I want to go in a date with him. I think I've said no maybe 10 times now, why doesn't him just leaves me alone.

Vanessa is not getting better, her cancer is back again and she doesn't take her medication nor eats good, why is she doing this? Kristen keeps trying to loose weight in a bad way. She gives all her food away and she happy about it, God I wish I could slap her in the face and make her react on what a terrible mistake that is. Eating disorders are so bad and it's so hard to recover, I haven't but I want to. I want to love myself but I can't. I wish I could show her what it is like so she realised how bad it is, Vanessa got cancer because of it, I destroyed my family, Noura got send to an institution for it, and all of us destroyed ourselves completely, its so stupid, thinking that they are no consequences if you starve yourself for 48 hours, thinking that purging everything we eat is a salvation. What was I thinking? I regret a lot in my life, the only choice I have is to recover. I want a life, I want to go to college, I want a family, I want a lover, and I can't do this if I'm dead or dying but its so hard and God knows I've tried to change.

I started reading my old chapters and I realised how bad I was, tears starting falling down my checks because of happiness and sadness. I was a lot better bot fully recover but better and sadness because I was so bad and nobody realised not even the people I love. I also noticed how much I need my best friend, its sick actually, I've created an image of her were she is the best in the world but I don't know if I still believe that. I can't get better with help I need to do it on my own. I'm going to try to pick my pieces if only I could find them. Fuck it does pieces are gone, why didn't I realised before, I don't need to pick myself up I just need to create myself again. That doesn't sound easy but I don't loose anything by trying.