Chapter 14: worthy

Today Noura told me I'm the only reason why she is still alive, that os a lot of pressure. Should I change that? How do I tell her that she is mine? It's funny how my life moves around her, but she is different when I'm not there. My sister tells me things that she does when I'm not there, is she doing it a self defense? She told be I'm the only one who truly knows her but I dont know if its true. She still cuts, and wont tell me why, which is fine because I want her to be ready. Vanessa is still not talking to me, and it hurts because I feel that she lust the trust she had in me and its my fault. Kristen is just in a terrible mood but its okay I think. Today we were having small talk and she told me I should leave and go to purge because its what I do best. I had no response. My head stop for a second. My mouth couldn't move. I just crushed my hands until my fingers went through my skin and it opened old wounds, I did this so the tears wouldn't come out. Is this what friendships truly is? Did she meant it? After that I just laughed a little and ignored it like everybody else but still. My life is so bad that my only friend that was not bad, now she is. (Lets call her Meredith) she was okay but I guess our mood got to her. She is going through a lot of anxiety and problems and its my fault and the worst is that she feels alone and I don't think I can handle more problems. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I feel like in drowning in my own skin. The pain is not bearable anymore, I don't think I can keep doing this. I live with the constant fear of speaking my mind. My hands keep shaking and hair falling a lot more. Today was one of the worst days this week,

Noura is acting very weird but I don't blame her, who wouldn't be far from me. I'm a disappointment and maybe I'm not good in her life or she doesn't want me in it anymore and that's okay for her, but not for me. My life without her makes no sense, when she is not around me I feel so bad and everything falls apart in my head when she says something wrong to me. Today she didn't even spoke to me for no reason and my heart is breaking little by little. She made be believe I was the most important thing in her life, that she loved me and now she doesn't even look at me. It all started very simple, I wanted to talk to her about very important things in my life and she would say "it seems important, lets talk later" but later never came. I keep waiting for a sign but its not coming. She became the most important things in my life and the she just walked out like if I was nothing, why would she made me love her if was going to leave anyway. All does conversation are forgotten, long nights talking are worth crap, speaking from the bottom of my heart for you wasn't enough. You ignored me when I needed yo the most and I don't think I forgive that, you don't even give a damn about me. We are not the people we used to be and maybe thats why our souls don't fit together anymore, the worst is that I will keep trying until they fit again because God knows I've tried making things right for you. I'm tired of going through life with tears on my eyes, because you memory comes back to my head and happens all the damn time. Its so hard not talking to you but I know that if I don't start the conversation it will never happen. Its so pathetic how much I think about, its probably 20 hours at day and I don't even go through your thoughts. Its so painful telling you I'm fine because I know you won't listen if I say otherwise and because I can't find the way to tell you that reason why I'm not fine is because you broke me. All my friends are acting very strange and it's probably my fault again. Anger, sadness and pain is all I feel now. I try so hard but I still get no results.

I can't keep doing this anymore, I need a change and I needed know or I don't know what I'll do with my life. I'm so afraid because I know I can't fight forever.