Chapter 16: a laugh

Funny how life can be so good one second and in the other is shit again. This past few months have been very easy to me if we talk about my eating disorder, but this week has not been my best one. I've been reviving a lot of memories and not because I want to but because people ask and I feel obligated to explain myself about it. A lot of people that I love are not doing so good. Anne is starting to develop and eating disorder, is it me? I'm I giving the disorder ro them? Do I say the wrong thing? Could I fix it?

I don't know what to do, I've been here before so many times, but this time is different, she is smart and knows exactly what will happen to her body and she doesn't care. How do I fix her? Maybe I should keep my distance towards her, it could be me the one of the problem. My sister is in the weirdest mode ever and I don't know whats happening to her, she is just mad at me all the time, calls me name is treats me wrong. I haven't spoken to Vanessa and I honestly don't know if I care or not. Last time I spoke to her it was uncomfortable and I just wanted to leave so we didn't say much. I think its for the best, sadly our friendship didn't go the way I wanted to, but that's how life works. 3 years of loving her unconditionally, not doing things because she couldn't, watching her all the time so she would eat. I'm done doing that, I'm her friend not her mom, I know it sounds selfish, but I stop living because of and I don't want to anymore. Noura is kinda okay, she is happy with her boyfriend, but again, she is hasn't spoken to me in like a week or two. It's not that I want her to speak at me everyday day, I just want her to know that I'll always be there even if she is not there for me. The bad thing is that I've noticed that she is constantly counting calories again. She told me things weren't at its best but she was working on it, how could I be so stupid and not realize that she was asking for help. I do anything so is better I really would. Kristen is okay, she is doing a diet so she looses weight, I just hope she does it the right way. Meredith was the only one that treated me normal and now she is acting weird, let me explain. She used to laugh with me, now she is quiet and awkward. She used to be okay with me hugging her and now she seems like if she didn't knew me. I miss her. I always fuck things. Everything good in my life, either leaves or gets and eating disorder and then leaves. Why is my life filled with eating disorder, can they just fuck off. My big sister had one, my mom had one, my aunt has one, I had one, 3 of my friends had one. I just wished I could forget about them.

In the other had I dont have a clue of what to do with my life, hell I don't even know what my feelings are. I used to say I was gonna live with Meredith in an apartment in Germany, but like she isn't talking to me I guess she doesn't want that anymore. I don't know what I'm good at, or what do I like. I know one thing, I'm looking for happiness and love. I picture myself in a house or an apartment anywhere in the world, married and in love. I ask for to much, I don't even know to what kind of person do I want to be married to. I just have a lot of mixed feelings and I dont know how to organize them. Who to love and who to not.