Chapter 18: november

I keep thinking of what to write, how to explain how I feel or whatever is going in my head, everything is so confusing at the moment I don't even know if I like emma anymore, maybe its for the best.

My twin keeps going strong in her diet, in a healthy way of course, but all I can think of is how I could do that do and how dangerous it could be for me because even one piece of pineapple is to much, or how not eating in days is normal, everything in my life is dangerous and its all my fault and that stupid eating disorder, anyway I have more things to worry about.

School starts in January and I still don't know what subjects to pick or if people are gonna like what I want to study, or if I'll be good, maybe people are just gonna laugh at me, even worse my friends group is not at its best at the moment, I just want my best friend to talk to me the way she used too, she made me believe I meant everything to her and now we dont even speak. Every time I think about that my heart hurts and i dont think it'll ever stop hurting.

I feel like the people that read this book are probably wondering: is her life ever gonna get better? Why does she complain so much?

Well let me tell you, im a 16 year old girl that has no idea what to do with her life, has no idea what her sexuality is, has no idea if she wants to eat, has no idea if she wants to live. Thats my life in a very brief sentence, I don't think I've ever been sure of something. But I wish I had, I've hurt a lot of people and I've been hurt too, maybe thats what life is about, surviving until our final day comes.

I've giving life so many chances, but it just gets messier and messier and messier. Why cant I be normal? Or why can't my friends be normal? In my friend group instead of having trouble with boys of girls, have us cut, or don't eat or just want to disappear. I wish they were full of life again so they wouldn't have to suffer, I hate seeing how much they suffer, I wish so many things all the time, and I don't only wish, I also make everything in my power so things get better, but they never do.