Chapter 20: discovery

Major discovery in my life, for a long time I was confused of what I liked and I just discovered why, and weird as it sounds girls are easier to get than boys.

Like I've been talking to this guy for like a long time now and he is really nice and for once I actually like someone, like I really do like him, when I talk to him I'm being myself and there is no pretend. I can be the best side of myself and I can be fully honest with him. He's funny and he might not look like a calvin klein model but neither do I. Im just a normal looking girl falling in love with a normal boy. And what matters is that in my eyes he is cute and I don't care about people would say and I hope he thinks the same. But as happy as I was he kinda confessed his feelings for me and I just didn't knew how to reply and when I texted him back he just didn't reply and now its been 2 days and all i can think about is that maybe he never liked me or he's just bored of me or he's using me for homework or making of me and I cant survive something like that not again. I really want to work, I'm trying to be this new person that actually normal and not full of traumas so please don't break me. I mean why would he do that? Talk to me like and then just don't text me back. I cant sleep, I can't think!

I remember seeing in movies that they would said all they could think about was them and I never got it until now. I physically can't think of anything else and its so weird. I lay in my bed thinking of what I did wrong or about the things he said, how things could be if we give it a chance and its consuming me but I can burn for a long time and I'm up for it.

I hope I could say all these things to you but maybe its not the time yet as much as I want it to be and its not okay, for once I know that its not okay so don't play games with me.

Maybe this is the time for us. Maybe... just maybe. Its always a maybe with me but I don't want it to be. My life has been a series of so many bad things but so many good things to and I want to focus on that. All of my mistakes make the person I am today. And according to some people i can be sweet sometimes. I think back and I see a girl laying in her bathroom floor crying against the toilet full of vomit and tears, holding herself and hating it and just wishing all her pain would go away, thinking she was not gonna leave another day, hating every little thing about herself and killing herself. Today this girl is a little older and things might not seem so different but they are. I still cry, but it don't beg to be dead. I might not love myself yet but I know that one day it will be and its gonna be worth the wait. Even if I don't want to, I still force myself to eat, and sometimes I wish to just sleep and never eat again but I still stand up and eat with my family. And when they are not there, I still eat because I know I want to live more than I wish to be skinny. Its not perfect but its progress, I'm not perfect but I try to be and thats good for now.

My life is messy and weird and complicated so be a part of it, I'm probably gonna be writing a lot about you so the name I'm giving him for this and for his privacy its: River.

So, my loving river, love me.