Chapter 20: lies

Its june 9th 2020 at 2 am and I've been crying nonstop for like an hour and its all my fault.

I created this fake world in my head were you liked me back and I keep dreaming about that it makes me wake up smiling and then I cry. You are all I can think off, you are all I can dream off.

I don't get it, I really don't. I literally find the dumbest reasons for texting you, even if we only speak for a few minutes, it's still the highlight of my day. Every word you say makes me believe you feel the same but then I realize that you don't.

I've never felt this way before, I don't even know how to react to it, I feel so normal, even if its for only a few minutes, you make me feel so normal and thats the best thing that's ever happened to me. I wish I could tell you all this things, maybe... just maybe, it would make you feel the same.

River, I think one of the best and silliest things is that I have watched 2 tv shows that are literally horrible and I really really don't like them, but you told me they were good and that I should update you on how I'm doing, so I watch these silly shows, stay up all night watching them and then I next you talking about them and you don't even answer me? And the worse part is that after a few hours, I delete the text and then you asked me why I deleted it? You are honestly unbelievable, and I still answer you back within seconds and smile bigger than ever. I'm I that easy to use?

I loose my dignity every time but it don't care, and I feel like such a fool every time I do it. In online class, every time you speak I can't help it but I smile and maybe my sister notices and makes fun of me but it's okay, its kinda hurtful what she says but its real. You'll never look at me the way I look at you, your heart will never beat as fast as mine does when I think of you, you'll never feel as broken as I felt when I realized the way you felt about me. You will probably never feel the way I do and thats okay but I hope that maybe... just maybe some good things will happen. Maybe one day you'll look at me and feel butterflies in your stomach too, maybe your eyes would get full of light when you look at me, maybe you'll look at me and feel love the way I do.

But I'll never know how things will end, I'll never know all I can do is hope and hope but keep my feet in the ground but i don't even know why I keep dreaming so much when things never go the way I want them too, they never had, they didn't worked when I prayed for my mom to show up and for that fuck up man to get up, it didn't worked when I beg for her to stop and it wont work now that I want him to like me but please I hope it does. I hope my future gets brighter than my past because I've lived through some fucked up things. The worse is that now I'm waiting for the right time for texting you again even if you wont answer me.