Chapter 21: August

It hasn't been that long since I last wrote but it feels like an eternity. I'm a different person but it feels the same way. I keep bleeding in the same places but it's healing a lot slower now. I have begged to be loved. Wishing the people I care about would care about me but how could they if I don't even care about myself.

As much I as try and I know I've tried, I'm never able of fully recovering. There is always that one thing that let's me stuck. My best friend is going back to brazil so I wont see her for a few months. I was supposed to go with her but my doctor said no and maybe that okay. So now I'm stuck here wishing emma would forgive for the things I did wrong and for that stupid boy would care about me too. But he doesn't. He just keeps using me and I keep falling for it.

Right now I'm at my dad's house because my mom practically kicked me out. So now I'm here. Back in the place were I hurt the most. My room is not my room anymore, is just the bed were I would cry myself to sleep praying the pain would stop. My bathroom is just the place were I learned to purge and would stay there all night long cover in food and tears. My tub is the place were I collapsed for drinking to many pills. The dining room is the place were I would hide my food inside my clothes and would pray for nobody to notice. I can't keep staying here because I just keep hurting and breaking myself all over again. But there's nowhere I can go.

And I have serious problems I need to take care of and all I can't think of is that stupid boy. It makes me so sick because I just see his name pooping up in my phone and get so freaking happy. But theres something that is not letting me move on. He once said I was someone who understood him and he loved having me around, so why doesn't he keep me around?

I'm I fat? I'm I too ugly? Did he lied?

I literally have no clue. Honestly girls are a lot easier but it's not a girl I have on my mind. It's just him.

So that why I'm so sorry Emma. I loved you but the distance was too much.