Black Morning Sky: 03

- I'm sorry, I don't know what to say. - avoiding conversations was my specialty but that time I purely didn't know how to do it. I was scared of what was going to come out once I let it out.

- Start simple. - she sat down on the floor and leaned against the wall with me. I was thankful, if she continued to look me in the eyes I wouldn't have had the courage to tell the truth.

Words practically ran out of my mouth like fugitives. My plan to shut down the armours, the cut on the web, me shooting the cops, the rooftop. Wet eyes accompanied me the whole process. I cried for so many reasons I couldn't even explain. Having someone watch me while I did it was probably one of them.

Louise didn't question me, did not make comments, she just listened. For her what I was saying was indifferent, what mattered was that I put it all out. Shoulder to shoulder, we stayed there until our butts were cold and I had told her more than I had ever told anyone. When I was ordered to go upstairs since I stank more than the sea I did it with pleasure. Washing everything away sounded like a good idea.

The hot shower did wonders. On the bed there was a change of clothes. A flannel shirt so soft I rubbed it againt my skin repeatedly and sweatpants that were just a tiny bit small. I couldn't bear the sight of my own clothes anymore, it was trapping me in that rooftop. If I had the power I'd destroy everything that was a part of that night.

- Smelling like a decent human now? - with a light knock on the wall, carrying a steamy cup, Louise showed up.

- I'm officially a restored member of society.

- I brought you the tea you blacked out before drinking. - she entered the room to leave it by the bedside table. - I'll wake you up in a few hours. We have some work to do.

- Thank you. - standing by the bed I wished I knew what else to say.

With a comforting smile followed by a nod of the head, she left the room.

Ever since I got to the farm my screen was left aside. I was avoiding the world and that thing was a window I didn't want to look at. Watching it vibrate on the bed trying to set a connection, I contemplated what life would be if I gave everything up and joined Louise. Might sound pretentious to assume she would let me live with her, but I had that much as certain.

Farming wasn't that hard, bots did everything. Fresh air, sunlight, open space, nature. Having those things on a daily basis wouldn't hurt, it was considered healthy. That city had never given me anything, it only took. Cost me more than I'd ever regrain.

I picked it up, letting the connection load. I wasn't strong enough not to look.

- Sato?

Regret was sometimes an instant consequence. Right over my hand, staring at me was officer Abrom. In my stomach the already familiar cold chill presented itself. I threw my hand over my head, trying to hold together my thoughts. Going there again when I had just come back wasn't on my plans.

- Are you okay? - breath in, breath out. - I have been trying to reach you. - between my hands I held my ears. - I was worried you had been at the Tower.

- Were you?

- No!

At my bedside the tea was no longer hot. No steam hazes coming off the mug. I put down my arm to look at her, this time to make sure I had heard right.

- No? - on the call she was merely a digital projection regardless of how realistic it was. - But you got called in. - she couldn't hurt me.

Fixated on her I tried to understand what she was saying.

- Yes, but not to the Tower. I was ordered to set up a perimeter around the Memorial Building.

- The Memorial? - mentally I went through the map of the City. The Memorial was always a potential location for protests which made sense that the Force would protect it. - You know what happened at the Tower?

- I do. - she lowered her eyes for the first time. White fog began to crawl around, quickly filling up the room.

- That's why I kept texting and calling. I knew there was a chance you'd be there.

- I was.

- How? You didn't get knocked out by the gas?

- If you mean "killed", no, I wasn't. - underneath my skin I could feel the tremors attempting to take over my body. I dropped my arm to get her away from me. That typical honorable air she had was irritating. Certainly she believed she was doing the right thing by standing with them.

- No, the people on the street are waking up right now. The gas used on them wasn't lethal. - the hologram did not make justice to her eyes. They were transcribed as a shade of gray. Only her hair and skin presented a color closer to reality. If they were real or not I had to look to be sure I wasn't imagining it.

- What about the ones inside the Tower?

Before I could finish my question her eyes escaped to beyond the screen. They were so low that at one point they closed completely. Then so did mine. Hidden in the darkness, the image of me firing that gun was playing in an infinite loop.

- They laid there unconcious for more than a day?! - questions were popping one after the other, jamming my brain with noises and anger. I didn't care anymore if she was seeing me or not. My arms were heavy and the room started to spin.

- They are alive. That's what mat- - I hung up.

Nothing she said brought me any comfort.

Knowing only "some" died didn't make anything less monstruos. Didn't make me any less guilty.