Three: Scared of Rejection

I sat on my bed trying to drown out the voices. It was painful. Their words cut deep. Their actions are even deeper. I can stop these thoughts. I wish I could.

I waited for him to wake up. We were on the phone the entire night before. Talking to him. Opening up to him has been the most life-altering experience ever. I told him things that no one else has ever known. I was more than petrified to tell him. I was scared he would run.

I even told him to run. That I had a fucked up life. But he didn't care. I have fallen in love with him. It sounds stupid, and trust me I know very cliche but that's not entirely the case.

I tried to be smart about it. But I can't help it. He makes my heart race and his ass hat self gives me butterflies in my belly.

But there is a part of him that I couldn't quite place. It was dark. Demented. And kind of sketchy. And just like everything else I tossed it into the back of my mind. I was intrigued by this mysterious man.

Just by saying one thing he has control over my entire being. Just by touching me, he has opened a part of me that makes me beg for more. Just by looking at me, sends me over the edge. Completely and utterly lost in whatever this 'man' is. Is he even a man? Why does he seem so perfect? What about him draws me in? How come Matthew is... well what the fuck is Matthew Soto?!

God this man gives me whiplash.

Marie says there with her earbuds in thinking she owns the world and the world owes her a favor. Not the deal little sister. Not the deal. Jade sat on the floor playing with Mae, while Nicole was in the front foyer eating her weight in cheese-it. That girl could eat so much in one day, but she would never once gain a pound. It's not fair. But it is. I'm glad I didn't get that gene.

When I trip over my two left feet I have a cushion. She has nothing but an ass ache and probably a bruised bone or muscle.

I continued to watch AHS while Matthew was at work. He messaged me on his breaks, saying cute little things. They weren't little. They mean the world to me.

While binge-watching American Horror Story I made my way through a few small bags of goodies and come chip dip with some chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese with shredded chicken and shrimp and jalapenos. Ok yeah... I'm a 'fat' girl. That's what everyone says. But they couldn't be more wrong.

I'm not fat, I'm not overweight. I'm thick with like three c's and I'm cute with a Q. I am chubby. But unlike all of these skinny girls, at least I got curves. And I got all the right stuff in all the right places. And I have a little more, so there is more of me to love.

The rain was slamming down against the roof. All the little ones in the house running around making a ruckus. I would be lying if I said this was peaceful. It's not. It's a fucking headache. And these damn kids! I want to ring their necks at times. They piss me off beyond reasoning. And where do I sit? I'm still the bad guy for telling them to chill out.

Minutes passed. Another episode after another came and went. These minutes turned into hours and while these hours passed away my eyes grew heavier. Not even the look of death without his cloak on would be enough to make them open. I wanted to wait. I couldn't. So I fell asleep. Since I've met Matthew, I haven't had a good night's sleep. I need it. I do. But he is turning me into a little monster of the night.

He called me later on. And it was the most thrilling thing ever. I was in the middle of a nightmare, and just like that, he saved me. I can't let him go. Do I let him go? Fuck that kind of thought. I always thought that I'm not good enough for anyone. But I am. And he has proven this time and time again. He has made hating myself turn into the beat feeling.

Mashell texted me not even five minutes later.

Mashell: You can't love him.

Me: What makes you think that?

Mashell: You can't love him unless you love yourself.

This is where I became beyond pissed off. This girl may have been my friend but she had no place giving me advice about my relationship when hers was in the toilet.

Me: Lol. How would you know? You cant keep your relationship in order. Don't tell me how to take care of mine.

Mashell: Ok! You cant do it though.

Me: Bull shit. I love him so much, I forgot what hating myself felt like. I love him so much that I have started to love myself. I didn't know what love was but he willingly took me by the hand and taught me. So before you tell me what I cant do, you better take some advice. Back the fuck off. Because I have, I will, and I can love him without loving me. But I do love me, because of who he is!

And that was the end of that. She left me on delivered. And hasn't bothered to text me at all. And I was happy about it.

Days came, and days went by. They turned into short spans that have turned into weeks and these weeks became months. And I am still trying to find out who Matthew is.

A month later:

The air was charmingly chill. It ran over my skin and left light ice sprayed there. The ground was covered in rainwater. I;d lay in it. Feeling broken and scared. What the hell is happening to me? And with seeing light red, my eyes drift off to a rough, prison-like slumber.