Finality

Michelle put both her hands up in surrender, "No you don't. I swear you're getting loonier by the minute Cas. Just call me when you're over this crazy phase of your grieving coz I can't deal." She walked out.

I closed the door behind her and plopped down on Raiden's bed. I am alone again as I initially wanted. I hope nobody finds me again soon for I just want to wallow in my own misery for now. I adjusted myself so that my head is on a pillow but my head hit something hard under the pillow. I lifted the pillow to see what it was. It was a navy blue hardbound notebook and Cassie was written on the cover in red calligraphy.

When I opened the book, the very first page had our picture together which was taken in Disneyland, it read "Once upon a time, I met a girl named Cassie..." There's candid pictures of me eating, smiling, reading...just different pictures of me doing random stuff. The next pages has more pictures and our fairy tale. How I love flowers, roses and tulips, and how he eats the mushrooms on my pizza and I eat the pepperoni in his. It's sweet and I wondered when he had the time to do this. I didn't even realize that we took so many pictures together. I mean I had pictures of us in my phone but most of these picture are not from me. It's funny because I don't even remember having taken some of them. Theres a few quotes and a few messages from him to me. One read, "Cassie, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me." On a picture of me kissing him on the cheek, it read: "Life is too short to be wasted on the wrong person, so if you find the right one, never let her go." But I didn't let go, I thought to myself, you did. And just when I though there are no more tears to shed, it all came pouring out again.

Towards the end of the book, there's poetry. I can't believe he wrote poems for me and there's quite a few of them too. I never knew he wrote poetry until now, I wonder if he wrote poems for his other girlfriends too. Well, too late to wonder about that now, I guess.

The first one's title is 'MY CASSIE',

When I'm with you

I pray so hard

That the moment never ends

So you don't have to go

When I look into your eyes

I drown in my own sea of fears

Afraid that one day

I won't see your gorgeous eyes anymore

When I hold your hand

I don't want to let go

For fear that if I do

Someone will hold it for me

When I hold you in my arms

I feel the completion of my soul

Ready for forever

Ready for death

I want to be with you forever

To hold you and never to let go

I want you to say you love me

That you will never go.

I don't think I can finish this book. Maybe some other time. I placed the book in my bag and stepped out of the room. I passed the library door and it was ajar so I went inside. I have always loved the smell of this room. The smell of leather and old paper is just something I find calming. I remember telling Raiden that I will read all the books in this room and he laughed. "You are most welcome to." he replied. Then, I saw the pictures on top of the fireplace. It was an enlarged picture of me from last year's school pictures. I remember giving Raiden one for his wallet but I know I had the big one at home. I approached the fireplace and I saw it was pictures of Raiden with his parents, him as a child, then there's pictures of us, the two of us. "He wanted those pictures in there. He said we are not complete without you because you're part of him." It was Catherine. I was startled and good thing I didn't drop the picture I was holding.

"Raiden loved you very much, I know I always tell you this but I cannot even begin to tell you how much. You may think it's weird Cassie but can I ask you for a favor?"

"Anything Catherine. I'd be happy to do anything for you if it's in my ability."

She placed her hand in my arm, "Is it okay if you call me mom? Nobody else will call me that anymore."

"Of course, Catherine. I mean mom." I replied as I hugged her. I realized I'm not the only one hurting. His parents must hurt more because they have just lost their only child. Maybe sharing our grief together will ease some of the pain we're feeling.

I really don't know if losing a dad is the same as losing a son but maybe the grieving process when you lose someone is pretty much the same. If it is, then we are in for a pretty rough ride for the next few weeks but based on experience, I know we'll get through this.