3: I Couldn’t

You were so beautiful that night. You're actually beautiful every damn day ; but that night you put more effort in your appearance — highlighting every feature that further captivates your being.

You see I always had a crush on you growing up.. which caused me to be the stereotypical lesbian who likes/fall for their straight best-friend. But I made peace with it. Truly, after years of seeing you pine and gush after guys I accepted that you'd never be mine.

So you sat there that night.. waiting. You were waiting for him. A male whose presence resembles that of a man and a demeanor that mimics that of a child. You had such high hopes for him being integrated in our close-knit circle of friends. But he bailed for the umpteenth time. As a result you chose to drink the night away, in what I assume, was out of self-inflicted shame and embarrassment. His constant bailing never transferred onto you. Not with us — not among your friends. His actions spoke and displayed his character and intentions voiding you of any fault for his absence.

But as the evening was coming to a close, our group of 5 dwindled down to 2. You were knee deep in your drunken stupor and minutes later fell asleep on my couch. I brought down an extra set of clothes and threw a spare comforter on you, as well as prepared for your subsequent hangover by placing your "hangover essentials" on the coffee table.

Despite me not being a drinker and having a dry house, this wasn't the first time you, Justyn or the twins brought liquor over, got drunk and stayed over. I didn't mind. I enjoyed the prolonged company.

Halfway into the early morning, I'll say around 4 or 5AM — you came into my bedroom. I felt the pecks of your lips on my neck which woke me up. It seemed as though you slept off some of the alcohol but what you sought after was nothing I expected.

As I turn on the cantilever lamp, it illuminated your melanin and as I wiped the sleep out of my eyes.. I noticed the lust in yours. You tried to straddled yourself on me, but I refused and questioned your actions. My hesitation and qualm made you feel rejected.

But I wasn't rejecting you in theory.. the idea of us sharing the night together crossed my mind on more than one occasion. But that night didn't feel right. I couldn't take advantage of the situation cause despite you initiating contact —personally I'd prefer more.

I want more than just a drunk encounter. I want more than a one nightstand. I want more than being a convenient distraction that licks your wounds that were made by him.

I didn't know my unwillingness to participate would be collateral damage to our friendship. Since that night you've been distancing yourself and when you are around.. you ice me out. 🥶 And you never stay behind to talk.. no matter how much I ask (or at this point beg) in hopes of clearing the air.

Once upon a time, I was smitten. Enamored by your mere presence to the point where I stammered over my words when you gave me a compliment or flirtatiously responded throughout our conversations. I believe you knew how I felt about you. My fondness of you was loud and blatant. Despite neither of us addressing the crush I had on you, we remained friends. And overtime my fondness of you faded because pining after you interfered with my personal life. I mean, making myself readily available to you lowered my prospects of meeting someone.

Plus, I didn't want to ruin what we built: a friendship. By the way you are choosing to react after that night, has my mind running rampant — So I'll be the first to say: Im sorry. Sorry that my unreturned affections marred your feelings or ego. I don't want to assume your intentions but the love and admiration I had for you I no longer want to give to you. Those feelings no longer exist. I want to give them to a woman who wants to be with me. A woman who is attracted to women. And that woman could never be you.. drunk or sober. You know the kind of person I am platonically — but as a partner, nah.. you don't know anything about how I operate.

Denying your advances might make me a fool for wanting more than the one night you offered. But I deserve more than that. I lived off a sliver of hope you sold to me over the years.. and fortunately I'm looking for something, better yet, someone who I can build a life with. I want a relationship with mutual intention. I want to bask and revel in getting to know the woman Im pursuing. I want the opportunity of being with a woman who wants me.

I don't want to sully our friendship, let alone dredge up past feelings.. I just hope we can overcome this incident— sooner than later because little do you know: your absent presence is pushing me away. And I'm gradually starting to think our friendship has ran its course.

💯