CHAPTER 7

Samantha's POV:

I am still in shock. Mom slapped me? She loves Samuel more than me? Am I that worthless?

I reach our room and take out my family album. I see my and Sammy's childhood pictures. We were so happy. I was so happy. Then there was a picture of the four of us together. Mom holding me and dad holding Sammy. She had a happy expression that time. It was like she was proud of me. But when she slapped me, her eyes were filled with disappointment and anger. It was like I failed her....

Before I knew it, tears began to fall and drop on the album. "I miss the old me, I miss the happy me, I miss everything about us..." I am just saying whatever comes in my mind.

I stand up weakly and put the album back in the shelf. I go to my and Sammy's study table. I check his exam papers. All full marks. I check mine now. In all the subjects, I scored lesser than Sammy by two marks. In order to make me feel even more worse, on top of every paper, it was written in bold letters "Do better next time and be more like your brother!"

I would have actually scored like Sammy if it weren't for my hand being injured. All my answers were correct. But due to handwriting, the teachers omitted two marks.

I got fustrated and angry at myself. I grabbed all my books and started throwing them. Next, I went towards my closest and got all my clothes out. I picked the best dress I could find. Then I looked under my bed and found the make up box I was hiding. It's nothing big. I just sometimes need them to hide the bruises and cuts.

I wore the dress and started doing my make up. After I was done, I looked in the mirror. I looked... horrible? So, even make up won't make me pretty, huh? Why did I have to be Sammy's twin? I don't hate him but people always comparing me to him makes me feel uncomfortable and sad.

Knowing that I wasn't feeling better, I decided to change back to my clothes. I removed the make up. I decided to use my last resort. "I really didn't want to do it..."

I went through my jeans and found what I was looking for. My long lost friend. My cutter. 

I entered the washroom. I didn't bother to lock it because I know that Sammy won't come now. Mom and dad are obviously gonna spend more time with him. After all, he is the "favourite twin" .

Before I knew it, blood was coming out of wrists. "Great. Just great. I cutted my wrists in anger."

I don't usually cut that deep. I cut in such a way that it's enough to hurt and leave marks but not enough to bleed. It's actually the first time that I cut this deep. I don't know why but it's satisfying me. I began to make more cuts. Two cuts. Three cuts. Four cuts. Five cuts. Six cuts. A lot of blood was coming out of my arms. But I didn't bother. I moved towars my leg and began cutting. I made six exact cuts. Three on the right and three on the left. I was losing too much blood and my palms were covered in blood. I began to sob. I curled up in a ball in the corner.

I was sobbing so hard that I didn't hear Sammy entering the washroom and calling my name. I looked at him one last time and welcomed the darkness.

In Samantha's dream:

I woke up in a garden. I got up and looked around. This place looked so familiar. I saw a big building. It looked like a hospital. I decided to enter it. All of sudden, I was in a room. The room was white and then I saw two people talking and smiling. It was a man and a woman. I got closer and identified them. It was my mom and dad?

I saw two babies in their hands. They were looking at them with eyes filled with loved.

"Aren't they just beautiful?" My mom asked my dad with a smile. She looked very weak but her smiling said something else.

"Yea. They are just the copy of us. Look, they are even holding hands. I guess they are gonna be inseparable. " My dad said with a chuckle.

"Yes." My mom replied with a smile of her own. She was looking at them so lovingly. But I was still wondering just who were these kids. But my question was soon answered by my dad.

"What should we name our children, Eli?" My dad asked my mom. Wait what? Children? Twins? Wait, wait, wait. Don't tell me those twins are actually me and Sam?! I was brought out of my thoughts by my mother's voice.

"How about we name the boy 'Samuel' and the girl 'Samantha' ?" My mom asked my dad with a smile.

"Those names are beautiful, Eli. I thi-" my dad's words were cut by Sammy's chuckling. He was looking at my dad with those beautiful blue eyes which were as deep as the ocean. I always admired his eyes.

"Eli, look, he has your eyes. And he is smiling. Do you like the name, buddy?" My dad asked Sammy while lifting him in the air. All the while, Sammy was just chuckling and laughing. My mom was looking at them in awe.

"So, then it's decided. Your name is gonna be Samuel Austin Blades. Do you like the name, buddy?" My dad asked Sammy. And he just gave a toothless smile.

After seeing this, my mom and dad began laughing. However, their happy moment didn't last for long. I started stirring in my mom's hold and soon began crying. My mom tried to calm me down. But it wasn't working. My dad was struggling to keep Sammy in his hold. It seemed like Sammy was trying to get to me.

"Honey, give Samuel to me." My mom told my dad. My dad gently placed Sammy in her arms. As soon as Sammy was in mom's arms, he held onto my finger and what I saw next surprised me. I stopped crying? What? How?

"What? She stopped crying?But how?" My dad asked being surprised.

"I guess it's twin telepathy or something like that, maybe?" My mom said it. But it was more of a question.

I was looking at my mom and dad with my green eyes. Now that I look carefully, my eyes were much brighter than now. Now, they are just dull..

"You got my eyes, princess." My dad's sentence broke me out of my thoughts. I looked at him and he was looking at me so affectionately.

"That's true. Hey, baby girl, I was wondering if you like the name 'Samantha' ?" My mom asked me.

Instead of laughing like Sammy, I just grabbed Sammy's finger and started sucking it.

"I guess she likes it. So, princess, from now on, your name is gonna be 'Samantha Alexa Blades'. Do you like it, princess?" My dad asked me. I just snuggled into my mom's chest.

"I guess that's a 'yes' then. So, from now on, your names are Samuel and Samantha." My mom said holding both me and Sammy closely. My dad soon hugged us. We were so happy. Suddenly, all of it started to disappear.

End of Samantha's dream. 

I was in the same dark place again. I could hear someone speaking but I couldn't make out the words.

I tried to open my eyes but I failed. I tried again and I failed again. I tried one more time and this time, I succeded.

However, it took me a lot of time to open my eyes and adjust to the light. I tried to remember what happened.

I was in the washroom, cutting, Sammy entered, I became unconscious.. then what happened? Wait, it looked like my room. I am in my room?

"What the...where am I..." I finally found my voice. But it wasn't exactly like mine. It was hoarse and sad.

"Sam, you are in your room. How are you feeling now?" I heard someone asking me nervously. It seemed like that person was scared.

That person's voice sounded familiar.  Then I remembered whose voice it was. "Samuel? Is that you?" I asked him. It was still difficult for me to keep my eyes open. My eyes still didn't adjust to the light.

"Yup. I..um..found you in your bathroom.. wi" before hr could say something, I got up and said, "It isn't what it lo..ouch!" I hissed in pain. It was hurting so bad.

All of a sudden, I heard Sammy snapping at me, "Sam! You are still hurt! Don't get up! Lay on your bed!"

"Wait, you are not mad at me? You don't hate me?" I was surprised. No, shocked.

"No, well, I mean, I am a bit mad at you for not telling me that you have been... um... doing all these..." he was stuttering. It was like he was trying to find the right words.

"You didn't answer the second question.." I barely whispered. But it seems that Sammy heard.

"Huh? What?" He was confused. I sighed. For a genius, he sure was slow.

"Do you hate me now?" I asked him. I looked at him and he was dumbfounded? What? Why?

"Is that a question? Are you seriously asking me if I hate you or not?" He asked me. I could sense a bit of anger in his voice.

"I believe that's what I clearly asked." I   told him by raising my voice as well. I could sense that a big arguement is gonna take place. I think Sammy could also sense that.

"Well, then, I don't hate you or whatsoever. You think something like this can make me hate YOU?! My other half?! What do you take me for, Sam?!" I was shocked. He literally shouted at me.

"Well, forgive me, Sammy if I think that way. It just so happens that people hate me for..like no reason at all! So, I thought that my brother which just so happens to be you, would definitely hate me for th-" I couldn't exactly finish my sentence. Sammy just hugged me. Like really hard. I was getting way too many surprises today.

"I don't hate you, silly. I love you more than I love myself, more than mom and dad, more than...anything... Just don't scare me like that again. I thought I lost you there.. can you even imagine how scared I was there?" I felt my shoulders getting wet. Sammy was crying?

"Sammy, I am really sorry. I didn't mean to make you worry like that. And sorry for saying..um..you know, all those stuffs to you back there. It wasn't right of me to say all those to you." Any normal person would have thought that I was talking about the 'fight' we just had. But he knows me better than anyone. He knew I was referring to what I said when we were eating.

He broke the hug and looked at me straight in the eyes and asked me in a low tone,"Sam, why did you say all those to me? Do you really hate me that much? Did I really make you feel that way?" He asked me nervously. I saw that Sammy's eyes were filled with fear. I soon began to feel guilty.

I sighed and begain speaking, "Sammy, I never meant all those. I guess I was just angry and felt lonely all these days and the kids at school weren't exactly helping either. They would always call me names and would always compare me to you. It hurted me so much."

Now, it was my turn to cry. He hugged me again and tried to stop me from crying by saying soothing words to me.  "Hey hey...shushh..it's gonna be okay soon. Don't worry. And besides don't listen to them. They are jerks. Do you really want me to sing that song again?" He asked me knowing how much I hate that song.

"No, please, anything but that." I said laughing. "Now, that's the smile I was looking for." He said giving me a smile of his own.

"Don't sweat it. I am always gonna be here for you. Even if you don't want me to. Cause we-" "Are twins." And I completed his sentence. Like always.

"Yup. Anyways, you feeling better now?" He asked me. I could sense the worry in his voice.

"Yea, my body is a bit sore but I am sure all I need is a good sleep and I will be good." I replied honestly. Sleeping always made me feel better after cutting.

"Hey, Sam, can I ask you a question?" He asked me nervously. I saw the look on his face and I don't like that look one bit. But he was damn stubborm. So, I just nodded my head.

"Um... why were you... doing that in the washroom?" He asked me. His ocean blue eyes were staring straight at my dull green eyes.

"Um, what are you talking about?" I  turned my head. I was never comfortable talking about my problems to someone else.

"Samantha." I flinched when I heard him call me by my full name and not Sam. It felt weird. All of a sudden, he asked me, "Do you love me?"

I could sense that he was serious. So, I decided to answer, "What's this about now? Of course I love you."

"Then, tell me why were you doing that." He told me. I was nervous and extremely scared.

Sammy sighed and held my small and fragile hands in his hands. His hands got bigger. "Sam, I love you, okay? I care for you, okay? Please don't be afraid to tell me about your worries. It kills me to know that you were doing that for God knows how long and I didn't even get to help you. Please give me a chance. I promise that I won't leave you." He told her with a bit of hope in his eyes.

I sighed and began talking, "Sammy, I honestly don't know where to start from. I guess it was back when I was 8. It was on our birthday. People had wished you and all. But not a single person other than mom, dad and you had wished me. I felt like a... waste of space that time. When you went to sleep, I was doing my homework back then. I was thinking about how people used me and all. I was beginning to cry. So, I went to the washroom. I was trying to calm myself. And then I saw the scissors and without any second thought, I made a cut on my wrists..." I said without facing him. I was ashamed.

I looked at him and he seemed lost. It looked like as if he was trying to process everything I said. Then, all of a sudden, he asked me, "Wait. Is that why you started wearing my hoodies?! To hide your cuts?!"

I nodded weakly. Since he knows this much, I might as well tell him the full story. So, I began speaking again, "I knew that it was bad. I knew that I would get addicted. But I had no choice. It was my only way to survive. It might not be the best way. But it's also the only way." Without realizing, I started crying in his arms.

"Please... forgive me... please don't hate me..." I started to mumble those words in his chest as I cried my heart out. His hands cupped my cheeks and made me look at him. "I love you, okay? I don't hate you. I can never do that." He told me with a smile.

I returned his smile with a weak smile and asked him, "Are you mad?" This time, I was looking directly at him.

"I am mad that you didn't tell me. But other than that, not really. And don't worry, we will solve this together. You are no longer alone. Your other half is with you in this battle now. And I will always be with you in this battle." He told me wholeheartedly. I just hugged him. Thank you, God, for giving me Sammy. Thank you so much.