Chapter 2

I stood in the kitchen waiting for my toast to pop, I had cut myself more this morning. More red thin scabs we're all up my arms and legs, it had been a hard night, last night. Not only the normal dream of the crash but a new dream of the fight dad had had with my mum before punching her again and storming out, dragging me with him.

The toast popped and I grabbed some jam out the fridge spreading it on my toast. I sat down and ate my toast as Rose jumped up next to me. I got up and walked back to the kitchen. I grabbed a tin of cat food and placed some in a bowl. Placing the bowl on the floor, Rose rubbed her head on me before going over and eating. I placed the tin in the fridge.

A knock at the door made me jump and I walked over and opened it. Standing there was a delivery guy with a big box in his hands. He looked at me and his eyes widened. It was then I realised my arms and legs were uncovered and the man could see all of my cuts and scars. I grabbed the parcel and shut the door I looked at the box and recognised my grandmother's handwriting.

I tore open the box and found a note,

Sam,

We heard you got out of prison, so we thought we would send you a care package.

We love you for who you are? Your mother would love you, and remember that although you feel you need to harm yourself remember there is always light on the end of the tunnel.

I hope you write back to us, we love you, please be careful, hope to hear from you soon,

Grandma and Grandad xxx

I looked in the box to see some of my old clothes and toys, some of my grandmas blueberry muffins and a writing set.

Another knock at the door drew my attention away, I grabbed a jumper out the box and put it on before pulling on a pair of trousers. I walked to the door and opened it to see one of my old friends Mark. He stood there with a packet of what I recognised as crack cigarettes. He came in and looked around. I gave him a hug. He placed the packet in the table and sat on the nearest chair.

"Yo got some of your favourites, " he said pointing at the cigarettes on the table.

"Thanks," I said quickly looking at the time, "You gotta go my therapist will be here soon, "

"Your therapist?" He scoffed.

"Yeah, I 'need' her apparently"

"Nice dood, see you around"

"I'll call ya," I said seeing him walked towards the door.

He left while I grabbed the cigarettes placing them in a draw just as the door was knocked on again. I opened it to see Susan. She smiled at me and came in. She was wearing a white dress covered in flowers and black high heels.

She walked into the living room and took a seat. I walked in and sat on the opposite side of the sofa, as far away from her as possible. She pulled out a pad and pen. Rose walked into the room and jumped up onto my lap. She settled down and went to sleep as Susan started to talk,

"According to your grandparents, you have a history of self-harm, may I look"

She seemed to think that I was open to talking to her, I didn't need her help, I was getting better, I hadn't drunk since I got out, and the cigarette didn't tempt me. So I shook my head.

"Okay how about telling me about your old drinking habits?"

I stayed silent, I didn't want to talk to her, I didn't need to talk to her.

"Sam, I'm here to help, you can talk to me, how about we talk about what you did yesterday, I see you have a cat."

I nodded "She was at my door yesterday, I needed to help her"

She smiled when I spoke and so did I, I didn't stutter and it was the first time I spoke to someone I didn't know without being loopy on drugs.

"What's her name?" Susan asked writing down something.

"Rose" I replied stroking her and making Rose our with happiness

"Rose, is that after your mum?"

Flashback

"Mum what's for tea, " I asked as she stood by the stove.

"I've already told you this Sam" she laughed stirring the soup, "it's soup, dad asked me to make it for him"

"When will dad be home?" I asked as my stomach rumbled.

"Soon" She giggled as the door flew open to reveal my dad, who staggered in, drunk again.

Flashback end

"Sam, Sam, can you hear me, Sam?" Susan was sat in front of my shaking me lightly, as Rose rubbed her head against me.

"Ye..yeah I'm fine" I lied rubbing the top of my head.

"No your not, you just blanked out, do you do that often?" She asked rubbing circles in my back.

"I'm not sure, probably"

She wrote something down before going and sitting back in her chair,

"So how often do you think this happens?" She asked placing her hands on her knees and leaning forward,

"I don't know, maybe twice a day, maybe more"

She nodded adding more notes before looking at her watch.

"Our time is up, get yourself some lunch and have a nice day"

I watched as she packed up her things. She left closing the door behind me and I walked quietly to the kitchen, Rose had her appointment at one so I had an hour to get her in the cat carrier and get some lunch.

...

I just managed to get her in the carrier and her over to Pets At Home just before the appointment. She had managed to claw my on my face and the dried blood still needed wiping off.

I sat in the waiting room just as the vet walked out, "Sam Hawkins" he called as I got up.

I followed him to the room and placed the cat carrier on the table and watched as the vet got prepped.

...

We got home and I gave Rose lots of treats she was such a good girl. I walked back and sat on the sofa switching on the TV. I clicked through the channels but found nothing to my taste.

Wonder what your therapist would say if you jumped off a bridge.

I sat down and ignored this thought, I was not that deep in the hole to take my life, but it did make me wonder what she would think.

Well, do it then, end this miserable life of yours and go see your mum again, if dads with her she will need protecting.

I shook my head and went to get up, there was only one thing that could calm these nerves. Rose jumped on my lap settling down and snoozing. I smiled, it's like she knew what I was about to do and she stopped it but she was helping me. Someone had tried to stop it before, school. It didn't work.

Flashback

"Sam, Sam, wake up Sam" the short brunet maths teacher said waking me up.

Whilst I was sleeping I had managed to roll up one of my sleeves, so everyone could see my arm which were covered in red marks, it was when I had just started to self-harm so I cut nearly every day.

I stared at the whiteboard before pulling my sleeve down, what I didn't notice is our student therapist and the headteacher were talking about me in the front of the classroom, probably called about the cuts I had.

"Sir, " I said faking a gag, "I think I'm gonna be sick"

He looked at me as I curled over and showed me to the door, I made my way to the toilet, no one coming in with me and looking for something to smash the window. I was only on the ground floor so should be able to jump out with ease. I smashed the window and hauled myself up, jumping out and running.

I managed to get to the park and hide in a tree, with the teachers searching around for me. I knew where I needed to go, I was shaking, I needed something to calm my nerves. When they left I jumped down from the tree I was hiding in and ran towards Marks house. Pulling out his spare key I let myself in and rummaged through his cupboards.

Grabbing a lighter I lit the cigarette I found and took in a shaky breath. Relaxing instantly as I breathed out.

End of Flashback.

Knock knock knock, I huffed and pushed Rose off making my way to the door, I opened it to see no one, must have been my imagination. I shut the door and walked into the kitchen to get something to eat. I rummaged through a cupboard and found pop tarts. I sighed and placed them in the toaster waiting as they cooked.

I sat down eating them and pulled out my phone to applies for a job, it wouldn't be long until I needed cat food again and I wanted to pay for it with my own money. I spotted a job that I could do, a cleaner in the local library it didn't pay much, but for now, it will do. I sent in an application and switched my phone of waiting for a reply.