Crises and Tribulations

[ BECCA ]

I can't even sleep tonight. I suddenly woke up then lifted myself out of bed. Everything is haunting me, leading to some paranoia and insomnia. The night is becoming longer and longer, every time I try to seek answers.

I was already up at three AM, and all I had were thoughts about Bryan, and this stupid baby that I have inside of me. I'm having anxiety and it is disgusting. How come one of the traits that I hate about the guy whom I broke up with is trying to manifest in me right now? I hate this feeling.

I stared outside my room windows and the community was silent. The moon is the only celestial body giving everything light. My windows are opened, letting the night breeze enter my room. Curtains are hanging, dancing as the wind blows.

My mind cannot think of anything else. It is taking me elsewhere; on that reserved table Bryan and I had at The Parfait; that pregnancy test that I took yesterday and there, at that time when I met Stefano. How the fuck am I going to deal with all these? I have a lot in my plate right now and things aren't silent.

Since yesterday, I can't stop thinking about Bryan. He surely is hurting. So much. He's fragile and got some issues. I can already picture him being anxious and full of melancholy, and distress. I cannot help it.

Did he even sleep? What is he doing to cope up?

I can't help but care about him. We had moments together. You know, eight months of being together seemed like I built something sincerer than what I thought. I was being fooled by random circumstances into thinking I love him when in fact, I really don't. My mind is only thinking about him and the things that could have happened right after I dumped him at The Parfait.

Or maybe I don't know what I'm feeling for him.

I wonder how he's dealing with his ruined proposal. I feel sorry for everything.

Strange feeling like a stitched cut and anesthetic. But at the back of my mind, like what I said, I considered a lot of pros and cons before saying no to his proposal. Every single one is not shallow. Some are my past; some are just deep-seated mistakes in the past. But above all of it is the fact that Bryan; he's not the love of my life.

No matter how many times I think of maybe, we could work together, things always come up not okay. Given the fact that the test was positive; that I'm pregnant - it's quite complicated.

Bryan is not the father.

I cannot let my parents know about this. I once already gave them a bad impression when someone stole my mom's Cartier wrist watch without my notice. It was a very expensive watch that I wore one time without her permission. I was just shopping at the mall and then when I'm home, it was gone. I was almost disowned. I managed to stay with them despite that moment but then, there came this baby. I feel like I will be up for elimination, again.

I don't want to be labeled a charmuta; which was equal to being disowned by my own blood -- Jus sanguinis; by my own relatives. I cannot be a disgrace. But here I am, pregnant as fuck with nowhere else to go. It just happened in a very swift manner that I couldn't even talk about in vivid detail, not even to Gina.

it was swift -- and it still haunts me

I was raped. Treated like a tramp, thrown my womanhood somewhere. That time at the bar, I don't want to remember but it was a scar that will be forever in my skin. I feel sick and I don't want Bryan to know anything about it. I feel used, and trashed out.

Upon remembering that living nightmare again, I took my knees together and buried my face in my hands. I recalled every single damn thing.

That time, I was alone at the bar with no one else. I was just having a drink to have some alone time. I cannot meddle with what I was dealing with; it is the fact that I want to break things off with Bryan. I'm struggling with it even though I already told Gina.

The night is not so chilly. I am wearing a dress that my mom bought me when I was turning 18.

Breaking up with Bryan is a torment. I never told Gina I am still doubtful about it because I don't want to bother her about my dilemmas even this once. I always feel like I'm too much for her, like, everything we talk about is always about me. I don't even know when she's facing dilemmas, too. I don't even know her story in the past. I just felt unfair to her as a friend.

I just wanted to be a good friend for her, even once. So I never told her I will be at the bar.

(sighs)

With Bryan... he was out of town with his friends that time.

Flickering lights and disco balls hanging at the ceiling. Everyone is dancing with some EDM music. I was on a table, drinking my heart out. I wanted to break things off with him but I don't know how. He's just, ugh. I cannot explain it. It's just too much. Knowing about his anxieties and all that. I cannot be a 24/7 guard for him. I'm his girlfriend, not his mother.

My mind was so discombobulated. I just got into a situation where I knew whole heartedly that I don't love Bryan. I want to forget about it for a second, so what I did was, I got a drink at a bar and talk to some guys, or girls, about things that does not concern me just to clear my headspace

I know I have Gina to waste the night with but sometimes having just one person by your side is not enough. She gives me advices but at the end of the day, the final verdict is still mine. I needed more consultation about the thought clouding up my head.

That night I just want to drink everything; get drunk and pass out.

I was overthinking things in that bar until a guy approached me, and offered to buy me more drinks. At first it was a bit awkward between us because it was sudden. But as we talked about some stuff, I felt like someone is ready to listen to me. Like what they always say, it's easier to open up to strangers because they will never judge you about everything you tell them.

And so we talked. Not deep, just casual talk about each other's attractive parts. Nothing serious, really. We also talked about what we were up to. That moment I was on the verge of telling him about breaking things up with Bryan, but I restrained myself. I held myself back. So instead, we talked about my favorite TV show and his favorite series. We had an amazing night that I completely forgot about my problems for a while.

But then, after drinking a lot of shots, I got tipsy. I knew that was my warning - it means I have to stop or else I'm going to forget every stupid thing that I will do for the next hours. I called it a night with that stranger. I was just about to go when he insisted to bring me home. And my mistake was, I let him.

We were at his car when I totally fell half asleep at the passenger seat. The next thing I knew was that he's trying to unbutton my dress. I tried to seek and shout for help, but we are inside a car with tinted windows. It was hazy, and my mind just keep on spinning. I don't have enough strength over him. He's taking everything from me.

I could barely made a move to stop him. That moment, I just can't. I was a predator's prey-

I cannot convey how to get out and seek help, until I took a glance at his dashboard and saw an ID hanging. His name was written, bold. I hardly seen the surname but the first name was somehow readable -- Stefano

The next moments, I don't have any idea what happened. I remembered I woke up inside the bar.

And now, I'm here. Pregnant.

I lift my head out of my palms and let my feelings fight the sad thought. Positivity is the only key to keep me sane for a while.

Ugh - I'm trying not to be sad about what's happening. But, I'm on a dead-end. I cannot let this child ruin my reputation with my family. I know I should be worrying right now but being sad is just a waste of time, especially if what's happening is a dilemma between my credibility as a woman, and my reputation as a human. I am more afraid about this than sad.

I grabbed my phone inside my Birkin at the table near my bed and started contacting Gina. I hope she's up this early. As I look her number at my contacts, I dialed, and it started ringing. But Gina is not picking up. I redialed after two consecutive busy-line voice mails until I heard Gina answer her phone.

"Becca? Why? It's too early." Gina sounded gravelly.

"Gina, I'm really sorry for waking you up this early. Can I-- ask you a favor?" I kind of stammered as I ask. I'm feeling heavy right now.

"Umh, yeah, sure. What favor?"

I paused for a moment to actually think if what I'm thinking is a good idea. I looked at its pros and cons, and everything seems to make this the only valid action to make. There's nothing that held me back.

"Can you-- come with me, later? I need you.." My voice shakes a bit.

"Come with you… where?"

I hate saying this but…

"Gina, I'm having an abortion."

She did not answer for some seconds. I know this will make her think of the next steps that I'm thinking of.

"We--wait, are you sure about this, Becca? Why so sudden?"

I am actually not sure about this. Even Gina, she sounded worried. Although, I cannot blame her. This is actually insane. Yet, I have no choice -- I need to end this.

"I'm sure. I thought about this for like, a hundred times now." That was a lie I just said. Gina did not speak for quite a few moments. I bet she's digging every detail about this.

"Well, Becca, if that's the case then alright. I have morning shift but I'm going to skip work today so I can come with you."

I felt quite relieved that Gina will come with me. Although, the thought is making me frozen as block. I'm thinking again. I hope this is the best option that I can do.

"Thank you very much, Gina. I'll pick you up at 9:00 am."

"Right. Text me when you're near so I can be ready."

I didn't answer. I feel like this is crazy. I never thought of doing such horrible things like abortion but this is the best option that I have in mind. I cannot let this monster inside me ruin my future.

"Becca, you got this. Okay?" Gina added.

She is a blessing. having her with me no matter what is just another thing for me to keep going. After she said it, I smiled. It's nice to know she had my back. I cannot do this without her.. As long as I have her, I have nothing to worry about. I know she will always remind me of greater things I can do.

"Yeah.. I—I definitely got this. And.. umh, again I'm really sorry to bother your sleep."

"No,no. It's fine. I just have to go back sleeping.. wait, have you slept already anyway?"

I actually slept for two hours.

"Yes. I... I had two hours of sleep. I'm fine. I will get back to sleep, then. I just want to tell you this early so I can't forget to tell you."

I was totally feeling uneasy; I feel like a zombie. Everything hurts as hell.

"Okay then. If that's the case. We should get back to sleep. I cannot ruin my eight-hour full cycle; you know?"

"Hmm right-- umh, bye, Gina. Thank you so much."

I felt a tear came down my face as I felt this strange feeling of sadness. Like a roller coaster tingling in my core. About to puke. Maybe, to myself. To this horrible mistake I committed.

"Bye, Becca. you better sleep. Okay?"

"Yes, I will."

And then we both hung up. My mind is puzzled. Things are scary. I'm fucked up but I have to be tougher than this.

I laid my body in bed and covered my face with my blanket. I have to try sleep, and let these voices in my head stop.