rona_mae_bautista

How are you? Are you really good? Or do you just say that since that is what you also want to believe?

I too have this struggle within me, an everyday battle that i keep having. Someday i win (or so i thought), and someday i loose.

I have a lot of question and a lot of fear. And I choose to always stay above it, but there will always come a point were you cannot hold anymore and you just cry and wished that everything just stops.

You see, you are not alone. I too, experiences this. 

So be with me and I will lead you to a journey full of struggle and hope.

And When The World Stops

Have you ever felt so helpless and loss?


You ask yourself; how will I go on and start again? Where will I start again?


You see, in terms of job loss, I am one of those which have been affected brought by the pandemic. And I really don't know where to start again.


I did have a part-time job as Insurance Agent, however, I have a lot of bills to pay.


A single parent with the main source of income cut – Oh life!


Instead of crying, I laughed it off like a mad man. I questioned why does all the bad luck seems attracted to me? Why me? Why?


I remember that day when I received the news, from the gate of our subdivision to the house, I walked lost in my own thoughts and in my own world. I really did not cry, maybe because it is too much, my tears won't fall.


Sometimes, no matter how hard your situation and you just wanted to cry, your tears won't fall as if mocking you and making you feel so much worst inside.


You tell yourself that everything will be ok, but deep inside, you also doubt if it will ever be.


I wanted to scream until I will not have voice anymore.


I wanted to run until I am exhausted and will just be numbed.


I wanted to be drowned, and yet I am already.


I know then that the emotional and mental stress is eating me up whole. Right in my own eyes, I can see that my ship is sinking but I am a fighter --- I will not be defeated so easily.


When your life seems so dark and you do not know where and how to start picking up the pieces again, step back. Take some time for yourself – a vacation, a week of movie marathon and just doing nothing, binge eating or anything that you haven't done for awhile since you have been so busy working your ass to cope up with this so-called life.


When everything stops, also, allow yourself to stop and breath.


I spent a week just watching Netflix and playing computer games. I for once did not bother to care or to worry what will happen to my future.


But that is not all, I put a deadline for myself to feel and experience that way.


You see, I always put a deadline to everything that I feel and do.


Set a deadline to everything, so you know if it is time to move on and plan your strategy. Without a deadline, you might be stuck there for a long time if not forever.


See, for a week, I allowed myself that experience. And I am just so grateful that my family are ever supportive and understanding.


You might be strong alone, but if you know that you have someone on your side, you'll push yourself to work harder and get pass this difficult time.


It's ok not to be ok,so don't be too hard on yourself. Get comfort in the thought that everyone has their own battle to pass thru and doing it's very best to live and get by.


So, do not be too hard on yourself. Allow yourself to experience all sorts of situation and feelings life can give, for in it, you will be the best version of you.


It Is Heavy!