Your Appearance

Dear Diary,

It's Saturday, what's the date, April 17, 2022. It's been a month and a half since I attended school again. I caught up with school work and lessons. I performed better than I anticipated; however, I had to waste my precious time to make up for the two-month session I missed due to being late. After all, school began in January, sigh. This was the work's fault and mine.

Lucky for me, I wasn't the only one late (and who's going to suffer), so I didn't feel the odd one out. I heard that it was a woman who attended last year that only attended a few classes, but enough to pass. If my memory served me correctly, her name was Anastasia Francios. Apparently, she went on a vacation right after I came into their class. They said she was coming back in three days. Everyone seemed to be excited about her arrival, even Alexie was excited. So she's the center, not Alexie... I wondered what she's like.

Ok, I was trying this formal way of writing, and evidently, it's not working well. I was not used to writing too politely towards you, nor was I good at writing at all. Writing letters feels too bland. I couldn't find the suitable word for it. So I'd quit this way of talking and just swear myself out later.

My feelings are going haywire. I'm in the library right now. I'm always in the library (it's open 24/7) after school was over that I rarely come home. I couldn't go back home. Whenever I come home, my emotions come flooding out when I turn off the lights. Nothing comes good when I'm at home – the only thing that kept me from coming was going to my personal gym, and then I head straight to the library to (passed out) sleep or stay up late and do work.

I treat my home as a gym with unlimited time and subscription. If not, it would feel like a prison pulling my energy away and forcing me to think nothing but destructive thoughts, making me unable to do anything.

A lot of people who see me there sleeping thought I was fuckin' homeless. Some even ask me, 'do you have a place to stay?' I'm not homeless for god's sake, and don't think of taking advantage of me because I'm alone with you or die miserably. I could quickly get away from killing you because there are power and authority; there's no justice and kindness in life. At least not in my experienced life.

My life is like a burrowing owl, looking for predators to leave leftovers so that I could eat 'em, collecting worthless treasures, alone, and surviving by itself– acting as the high and mighty rattlesnake when it's only the prey.

Voices. There was a voice inside my head saying, 'your worthless, you good-for-nothing asshole, you deserve no one, you're better off dead.' They were getting worse and dangerous. I didn't know how I survived.

'Survived what? Was there any more reason to survive when there's no reason to live?'

Ah. There it was again. I wouldn't bother erasing that. And recently, I've been cutting myself out of curiosity and, unfortunately, I've grown to like it. Remember, though I was once a religious person, some of my beliefs still remain – suicide was a no-no, so death couldn't possibly touch me - at least not yet. Sure, you could describe me as broken instead.

Alexie doesn't know this part about me, nor anyone. It made me feel more alive, and I could temporarily forget the pain inside of me. I know that it's terrible, I know it could lead me to kill myself soon, but that's good, right? So that I could end it.

Yours sincerely, Romie Chain

P.S. Yeah, I would not writing this formally.

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Day 1

"I can't believe you passed that test! One-third of the class didn't even manage to pass!" one of my classmates said.

"Me too! Maybe it was because I pulled a three-day all-nighter before the test. Lucky guess maybe," I said, putting a questionable tone. By the way, Alexie wasn't with me, so my classmates were a little bit sharper with their words. They all laughed and accepted my reasoning. That test was a piece of cake. I just can't believe they found that hard — bunch of weirdos.

Sorry, Diary, for not updating sooner. It was way, way too long. It's been more than six hours, and I missed you so much. I couldn't believe I managed to pull it off... It was far too tedious! Though that made my company very popular, not that it wasn't already. How? Seriously, you're asking me how? Well, it's been a while. Do you remember when I said, I fill their needs? I do this: At the party, I treat people once a week, get them drunk, I target men and women, flirt, have sex (don't get in there yet), I unsuspiciously ask them questions about themselves, modern technology, what they want from it, and what's missing in it. Their advice or replies were the same as a pot of gold. Treating them costs almost nothing compared to what ideas they're giving me.

Making them fall under my spell was easy. Men were far too easy; the same goes for women. There's an old saying, 'spaghettis was once straight.' Unbelievable. Far too unbelievable and disappointing these people are. If you're going to ask how sex felt, no, don't even go there. But I did the job.

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Day 2

I couldn't believe the day has already passed! Thank you for accompanying me. It's Tuesday today. What date? Oh, 5:00 pm, April 19, 2022. Nothing much to report. Speaking of report, that made me remember of Violet Evergarden. Ha, report. I never seem to fail amusing myself. Don't take that the wrong way. I mean – just shut. Ugh. I missed watching anime. I hadn't watch anime since the company started to become super hectic.

*10 mins later... At the library.*

This silence was annoying. I forgot that I couldn't really focus or do any work without music playing. Sometimes, I let it ear rape me because I didn't want to hear anything other than my breath. I wore glasses today. Usually, I would wear contacts, but I got too lazy, and I didn't care about my appearance when I go to school. I wonder why people don't question my changes when I go to school or go to parties. I have a terrible feeling it involved Alexie.

Now that that thought was stuck in my mind, I called Alexie. I asked Alexie if she had something to do with that whole thought going through my head. I hit the target. Alexie confessed, she told them I was asocial in the morning and social at night that likes to express my gratitude for their kindness.

Bullshit. Who would have thought that those people were actually this gullible? I told Alexie she was a fucking genius.

This might be random; I just remembered a memory. You wanna know? I'll tell you anyway. When I was around fourteen years old, I remember my sister complained every time I talked. I think she said that I always seem to yell whenever I spoke. Before, I didn't know the reason why; now, I knew. Maybe it was because I continuously listen to music that I've gone deaf; I know for sure that it was because I wanted to be heard - get anyone's attention.

Alexie knew me all too well. Even when I didn't tell her, she knows. As if Alexie could read my mind or something, she did strange things to me. She couldn't really read minds, but she would force me to say open up. She would give some space and wait until I either told her because it was too heavy or pressured by her presence. Often, it was the latter.

She would also say hers then get mine after – my god, I had to. Lastly, because I made this rule that if I felt like I'm distancing myself from my best friend, it's a no-no. Alexie knew too much that if I had a girlfriend (if ever), my fuckin' god, I hope she wouldn't tell anything too personal. I gotta say to her that myself, thank you very much! However, if I have a boyfriend (again, if ever), Alexie would back off - it made me relief and pitied the guy.

Thanks, Diary, for making me remind myself. Damn, if I didn't write that down for you, I didn't know if I could ever remember that sooner – I may never.

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Day 3

Good morning, Diary! What a beautiful day today! Yeah, I'm sarcastic right there. It's Wednesday, April 20th, 2022. Half a week left before the weekends, but damn if it wasn't long. It's currently five in the morning. Why, you asked? Because I couldn't fucking sleep, and I was now doing my work in the library. Let's get this straight – I don't mean, ugh – work indicated my company's business. Homework meant my school work, which didn't take too much of my time 'cause I finish it in less than ten minutes. I trusted Alexie with handling minor tasks and the personal meetings that my brother-in-law was supposed to do. Long story short, I replaced my brother-in-law; I didn't want to take too much of his time, mainly when my sister and I were not in good terms. Thank you, Alexie, for your (blood and sweat) hard work!

Oh, I haven't mentioned her in a long time, have I? After I snapped and yelled at my mother, my sister and I were not in good terms – not at all. We used to be really close, but that ended when I started to act strangely and a nuisance for my parents and sister. I distanced myself, I stayed up late, went out and went home very late, left early in the morning, rarely showed myself now, and often woke up my sister from her sleep. They were tired of me, very, very, tired. My sister said that we 'had' to talk. She said that our parents asked my sister to talk to me. I couldn't be more happy and angry. Why? I'm glad that they wanted to try to fix the problem. I'm mad that it had to be my sister; I felt like she was talking to me because she felt obligated to speak to me – like my mother, who 'felt obligated' to raise me. And I said to them in my head, 'You know what I want? For you to fucking leave me alone.'

I stayed silent. My sister tried to make sit. At first, I didn't sit, but I sat after a while. She lied when she said that I only had to listen; she wanted me to 'talk' to her. Why should I say anything to her when it only makes things worse? I'm bad at words. I had to think ahead before I said anything. Most of the time, after I said something, I later thought of something better. I start to overthink it: what if they took it the wrong way, what if they were offended by my words, what if they thought wrong of me, what if – I hated my choice of words. Fuck. I stayed silent and let her talk.

"Talk to me, Romie, I don't know what you're thinking!" She cried, "I'm not a mind reader."

"..." I remained silent and let the tears form and silently fell off my cheeks. Of course, she's not a mind reader. I didn't want to talk. I'll only stutter and miserably fail to make sense and tell my point. I never asked for this. You're wasting your time here.

"Do you not know what you're doing wrong, yes or no?" She said, then I shook my head. No, because I felt like everything I had done was wrong, I didn't know what it was anymore.

"Mom is tired of work. We all know how greedy she is about money. She only wants the house to be clean. That's why she's always getting angry," she explained. For the love of horseshits, I knew that. And that's bullshit. Bullshit. Fucking bullshit. Getting angry for things like that was bullshit. I know she's tired, but that's her fucking fault. Overworking herself was her fault. Getting that frustration out on us was not smart. Even if she did love us to the point that she overworks herself, it's not intelligent. Overworking will only lead to death.

You had to stay alive and sane. There's got to be a limit on how one can be clean. For fuck sake, why of the earth were you such a neat freak? You and my sister used Jehovah's Witnesses' policy on how to be clean, yet not once have you ever put that damn policy on raising and talking to your goddamn child. Out of spite, I left that group – you hardly go anyways. Why did I need to be saved and had everlasting life - expected to endure this cruel world without any support? I don't even have that right to be rescued because I hated and didn't respect my parents. Damn, I was the worse daughter to ever hate her mother beyond comprehension. *** You still damn are.***

"You know what you're doing wrong, yes or no? Damn you, answer me! I'm not a mind reader. 'I can't do this, I can't do that,' you always think like that. You don't even try and still give up when something becomes challenging," my sister said, chocking on her words. I saw her red and puffy eyes. I could feel my tears spilling out, and it burns, and I could tell my face was similar to hers, but I still remained silent and looked at my sister's eyes with fixed and stern ones. "The reason I wanted to leave this house used to be mom and dad... Now, you're the one giving me reasons to leave the house," Really? That's great! "This is your last chance to (one) reconcile with me or (two) I'll leave the house." Her words were threatening. Of course, I wanted her to stay. She was the only one who could break my façade. In fact, she didn't have to try. I always show it to her. She never had the chance to see because she was too caught up with her work, her boyfriend, her studies, and her own frustration. I wanted her to stay, but I'll only be a nuisance for her.

I needed her to leave. I wanted her to be happy and away from this corrupted family and away from my broken self. I knew she wanted me to pick number one. I knew her way too much. I also wanted to select that number. Then I thought, 'she's better off without pain.' I'm just a nuisance. I used up all my might to hold up my hand and show her the number she hated and the number I would forever remember.

I left the bedroom, my sister and I shared, to sleep on the living room couch. I thought to myself, 'It's for the best.' THE BEST FOR WHO?! Is what I imagined my sister saying—the best for you to get me off your shoulder. I love you, and I wish you the best happiness in life without feeling more pain than you already have.

***Welcome back to reality***

Yeah, I always gave up when things get too complicated back then. I still do but in different areas. I was now a (not so) clean freak, a cold-hearted bitch (cardboard face), fit, mastered every martial art, had a growing business company – a nerd. I had depression, anxiety, and a bit of (severe) stress and insomnia. I was practically the perfect role model, but I gave up on myself. I thought: I was not worth the shot, I didn't deserve this feeling, I needed to stay away. The 'don't get close; you'll only get hurt' type of thoughts, there was no way s/he felt the same way. It's better to end it now than it becoming worse. I kept on doubting the situation and thought about 'utilitarianism.'

This may be the first time that I ever wrote something that's was super long. The day hadn't even ended yet. It's only seven in the morning right now. Man, I couldn't believe that it took me two hours to write... Only an hour left before class started. Of all days, why did I have to dream about my sister two days ago? I remembered it like it happened a minute ago. I wanted the pain to go away already! Pain, PAIN, please go AWAY! Shoo, shoo!

*Twenty minutes later*

That felt good! What felt good? Well, definitely not my sexual desires (ahem). I was... l;gkh2q408, this was tough, even to type it to you, Diary, but I was cutting myself in the private washroom. Again. The pain was gone now, though, my blood was gushing out of my wrists, arms, everywhere where people typically cut themselves as I typed all my thoughts – yeah, in the washroom. Thank god, it's still spring so I could wear my sweater, and I still had bandages to cover them all. It felt good that the pain on my chest was finally gone; the pain in my arms numbed it out for a bit and kept me distracted from my emotional pain. Though I thought I would never cut myself. Look at me now. Pretty fucking pathetic, aren't I.

I headed to my class right after bandaging my cuts and wearing my sweater. I was also glad that only a few were in the library. Well, of course, because who would go in here except for me and the staff in this not so lovely day? My classmates rarely go in here (maybe I was just oblivious), but I was ten to fifteen people come and go.

That didn't take me too long to go to class. It only took ten minutes to drive there, I used my Red SUV. I took the key from my bag and opened the classroom door. I was the first one there, obviously. The teacher was so tired of me asking for the key, she gave a copy for me. Thank you, teacher, for trusting your lovely student to take care of your classroom... I would not recommend it since this key was also your key to open your fucking office door. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS SCHOOL?! Wouldn't they usually have different keys for different doors (unless the professor is the only one using the whole room)? THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED IT TO BE.

People came in one by one. Though I didn't bother to look at them because I'm talking to you, a beat went by, and people yelled out, "Anastasia! Welcome back!" It was so loud that I could hear them over my loud headphones. Their shout made me jumped and looked up, then I realized that balloons and party bombs were popping. I swear to god that I was more scared and surprised than the person they were cheering for. Thank god that I wore my headphones to cover up most of their voices. I couldn't help but shook my head there and slumped back to oblivion when I calmed down. Unfortunately, that didn't happen because Alexie was next to me and woke me up, dragged me towards Anastasia and introduced me. Alexie! Let me go back to sleep! I didn't need to be introduced to someone who I will likely go to school with every day starting today. Let's call the stranger, 'THE CENTER,' center for short.

Anastasia, I liked her name. It's the name of my favourite webtoon character called 'Suddenly became a Princess' I recommend it! I was just too lethargic to even care, and I didn't bother looking at her. My classmates already knew that I was no good when I wanted to sleep; they knew that I was pretty aloof, but I smiled. I only said my greetings and shook her hand, and went back to my seat and sleep. How awful, was I right? I was tired; let me be for a while. Alexie apologized to 'The Center' for my lack of enthusiasm. I bet the center didn't like my first impression. That's too bad; I really wanted to call her Athy.

It's five in the afternoon, school is finally over! I left Alexie, who was talk and flirt with the girls and immediately went to the library. Fuck, I forgot that my work was due tomorrow at six in the morning! Plenty of time, but I wanted to read my favourite authors' latest publications today in the bookstore! Who needs damn motherfucking sleep when there were so many shits to do? 'Sleeping was for the weak!' Yeah, said me, who always slept in class...

Three a.m. Time to read books!

Strangely, a lot of books have been released all at once, but I was too damn overjoyed to suspect it. I bought everything that I couldn't see anything – I knew where I was going. Though I didn't think people would still come except the staff and me, that concluded of me bumping into someone. Yeah, that cliché stuff happens and meeting a gorgeous person was too. Books went crashing down, and I went down to pick them up. I looked up, and the first thing I saw was her eyes, it was beautiful. Green on the left, and sky blue on the right; she has heterochromia. Then, I saw her blonde locks and her apologetic smile (more like a grimace, actually). I thought, 'who might this rare person be?'

I suddenly blurted out, 'Wow, you look so beautiful,' as she was about to crouch down and help. She just blinks for a moment, surprised to what I said. Well, I'm more surprised than her. I think this was the moment where the "Shit, I'm gay," would rise in my thoughts like those memes.

The person says thanks. Though there was an awkward silence between us as she helped me pick up all the books, I was thankful that she helped.

Then it hit me. Hard. Why on earth was she here at this hour? Shit, I hoped she didn't get too curious about what books I was reading (not that I care or anything...), and how the fuck did she knew my name?

I asked her how she knew my name. After finding out that she's Anastasia, I blew out of breath. I was relieved that she wasn't a psychotic stalker or anything. I also felt sorry for not remembering who she was, but did I gave a fuck? No. "I'm sorry, I'm not good at paying attention when it's morning. I never do, not when I always stay up late."

Before I tell you what she said, no. Don't even think about me liking her. I just thought she was gorgeous, that's all. Even if I did, I doubt that she like me back. I mean, how can anyone like me? I'm a mess, both in and out.

I remembered her saying, "No, that's not a problem. If you don't mind me asking, why exactly do you stay up late?"

"To study. I came very late to class, I wanted to catch up. I'm surprise I'm even passing – don't worry about it."

Introductions, school, homework, attendance, likes and dislikes – blah, blah, blah... that conversation goes on for about ten minutes. I didn't want to be rude, but I was tired of talking and making eye contact. I was an introvert. Being alone and not talking to anyone replenishes my brain and social energy: making eye contact while talking for a long time (conversing to strangers was a no even if it's one-on-one) depletes my mind and social vitality. I'm really not much of a talker, but I'm willing to talk one-on-one or in a small group of people I was close with. I was drained right now, and it was time to read books alone. I ended the conversation saying I needed to go back to my business, which meant my reading. I had to tell you first before I made an exit. TTYL~