The dance that seal the past

Yi Ren was a strict and stern coach he would cheogreograph group dancing and leave the ballad/ contemporary dance to another colleague of his. So I had to learn both. Often our corporate appointments would request for classical and contemporary music and depending on which arrangements we would pair it with Yi Ren's company's if they requested for a dance performance as well.

One day we had to go through an immersion as part of the course to learn to dance with our feelings and to do that we all had to be blindfolded. We had to feel the music and express it out. I like this exercise, it literally just felt free, no seeing just feeling. We all had to choose a song that we want to dance to that could bring out our emotions be it happy, sad, remorse anything it was a free flow. We had a few rehearsals on it earlier.

That night after the rehearsal I decided to stay on. Being in the company of people and having music back into my life I felt I was able to slowly let Jon go, and I wanted to as so does others in the team but because we don't talk about it much and we keep it to ourselves I feel sometimes I wasn't sure if we could manage it when something trigger back from the past.

As the music played I blind folded myself again and just let it go freely taking in each step in just dancing to the rhythm and song.

"Jon this is for you"....my heart called out. As the familiar song played, I realised how much emotions had been piled up tugged so deep that I was just speechless as soon as everything came crushing down again...and this is what I allow only when I'm alone - the vulnerable side that's only visible to myself alone.

The night went on endlessly and I felt Jon's spirit dancing along in those moment, I could feel so many words that I wanted to say that came through each steps that I wanted him back, wanted him to be here with us....I really want him back...It was just this open channel letting me express out what I could not, this song and dance dedicated to him.

And as each step got more difficult I wanted to stop but I knew I had to finish this to close this chapter off and move. At one point I felt so hopeless I wanted to rip my heart out that's stabbing and wailing out non stop. I realised this point where I hadn't had a chance to fully mourn and cry out came through tonight. It went on almost forever. My cheeks were just over flowing with my tears as I feel each melody and dance it out.

I wanted him to know I will forever keep his memories in me as I move on and that nothing will change. He lives in me, in us that his music stays always close to our hearts ... and as I finish out the last verse almost exhausted emotionally I felt a hand on my waist that continued the flow of the dance with me synchronising the feel. In the darkness the hands guided my steps as we flow through the dance bracing out the last few steps the hands that carried me for a short leap as we move in tandem striking our hands movements until the final note and I rested before I remove my blind fold and saw those warms concern eyes that fell on me.

There was a moment of silent before Yi Ren breaks it.

"Good job Ray that should be the way. Let's go it's late"

Yi Ren lock up the dance studio and walk me home. As we were walking home Yi Ren was silent throughout so was I. He seemed to understood everything probably from Er Ge.

"Did you feel better?" He asked finally

"Mmm" was my short answer. "Sorry you had to see me this way" I said quietly

"Hey" he stopped me and turn me around "Ray look at me" he said as I reluctantly look up "it's fine to let it out ...by all means, but once you are done, pick yourself up and move. It's fine to not be alright, it's okay to let others know you are not feeling alright" He said as that stare continue to pierced deep, concern I suppose at what he saw.

"Thanks, don't worry I'm good just one of those days" I said and turn back to continue walking not wanting to get into any awkward conversation, just exhausted.

Yi Ren knew what he saw was a full blown breakdown that Ray had finally let it out what had been locked in his system. Glad, yet concern at the same time he pursue the conversation further.

"Ray....he called out again "it's fine to let others know...it's fine not be alright, it really is" my steps stopped as I feel a sudden surge of emotion again.

"Yi Ren stop, just stop right there...." I said as I look down avoiding eyes contact again. At this point I felt like running, just running. "I ...am alright...thanks"

Perhaps it's really just me, no one had any right to tell me when to pick up, when not to grief, when to let go, when to do what...perhaps that's why I had it kept well all these while just going about with the usual smile and everyday life until such that I realised how much it had changed me. I realise I had put a reflex on - shutting any advice from anyone when it crosses work and non personal stuff. I felt they had no right to peer in at all " Ray!" Yi Ren held my elbow as I start walking ahead. My hands were trembling and I feel my eyes welling up which I despise when I get into this situation. He saw the miserable emotions that I tried to control. He stood there silently until I get it all together and we continue walking home.