Mending the Pain

Qian was dressing down. She was behind the divider in her room, pushing the thick roll of fabric that made up her robes off and it felt so much more bearable to finally be free of the heavy fabrics. She was sliding on her white night robe, gently tucking in the fabric till it pressed down and cut low on her neck, exposing the front of her chest a little as the fabric cupped and hid away the rest of her breasts.

She pushed down the fabric till she got to her legs and she stopped, biting her lip before she kneeled down behind the screen. She felt irritated… Her skin prickled a little at the thought and she didn't want to really delve into why she felt this way, but deep down she knew the answer to that. "Alright," she sighed, looking at the floor. "Another night alone. I guess…" She thought of Vy a little and her mind wandered as she pushed her legs out over the floor.

She wasn't fit for this concubine roll. It wasn't her at all. Even at that, she'd hardly performed any of the acts she was bought for. She wondered if Koto would ever come but secretly she wished he wouldn't and things would simply just stay this way. Then again… There was his son. Vy. Her face flushed a little as she lowered her head to her knee as she pulled one leg up to meet her cheek.

No. She already told him no. She knew she was just lonely… And loneliness had a habit of making those it consumed desperate.' Her brother's words echoed in her head softly. She turned to look at her divider and she drew her fingers up to touch it before dragging them down the wood as she stared at the paper that filled the holes of the wooden piece.

Vy hurt as he walked away. He was blinded by tears so he really hadn't paid attention to where he was going. He knew where he wanted to be though. He tripped and fell onto the porch steps. He winced and brought himself up to sit on the steps. He buried his face in his hands as he bent over.

The noise outside startled her and she jumped from her position to peek out from behind her screen at her door. Qian chewed at her lip before she walked over to the sliding screen door and slowly opened it to peer outside at the noise, only to catch Vy holding his face. She opened the door more to see him as worry started to fill her features. "Vy?" She asked softly, her voice was high yet still had that sweet, soft ring to it.

He didn't move or say anything. He couldn't believe he was here. Hearing her though made the pain dull a little. He couldn't seem to help it. She was easy to be around and to talk to. Part of him was disappointed that he'd go back to the same person that distracted him in the first place, but she was comforting to be around.

"Vy?" He wasn't answering. What was wrong with his face? Was he hurt? So many questions swirled in her mind but she couldn't sit back and just watch him sit there. She pulled her robe closed a bit before stepping outside, albeit barefoot, onto the porch. Her feet tipped to one side or the other uncomfortably as she crossed over to him to kneel down and grab his wrists. "Vy? Are you okay? Did you hurt yourself? What's going on?"

It seemed like for one moment that they parted for bed only now to be here - together - again… she chastised herself about what rules she set but her mind was drawing a blank on how to enforce them. It didn't seem appropriate.

He didn't fight it as she took his wrists. His hands pulled away and revealed his tear-stained face.

"Goodness Vy. You look terrible. What's going on?" She gasped, wiping his face with her palms since her sleeves weren't as large on her robe. She rubbed away at the stains a little before her eyes settled on his.

He froze when she touched him. Her hands were soft and gentle. He looked at her and tried to say something, but his voice caught in his throat and he kind of sobbed. He winced and looked down. "Ba-Baba she-" he struggled to talk.

"Baba?" She was confused. She tried to piece together an idea that maybe he was just hurt and was distressed by it.

He winced and large tears fell down his face. "She-" he tried, but it hurt. "Died," he said painfully.

He remembered him talking about someone like that and she felt her shoulders fall. "Oh Vy, I'm so sorry." She pulled him closer to hug him. That's why he was back. She relaxed a little at that.

In the back of his mind he questioned why he was here. Why did he need her comfort? But she hugged him and he relaxed a little. The pain subsided just a little. He reached with one hand to hug her back. He buried his face in her shoulder and tried to get a handle on himself.

She chewed at her lower lip a little when she felt his arm around her and a part of her felt a little glee that they were so close, but she knew she shouldn't think of it that way. Qian eased her grip on him, letting him stay there as long as he needed. She looked away, back to her open room door where the only light seemed to pour out in the dark porch. Where was the rest of his family right now, then?

Vy after a minute pulled back. He wiped his face. "I'm sorry." He frowned and rubbed his eyes. "I don't- I don't know why-"

"No, it's fine." She let him pull away and she felt the cold permeate her clothes a little more then. "You just went where you knew you felt…" she felt her face warm a bit, "comforted. I- guess." She looked down a moment before her gaze drew up to him. She wasn't trying to show him she was nervous. What was there to be nervous about? He shared comfort in talking with her? She did too… Was that supposed to be a bad thing? She swallowed the knot in her throat. "Um, y-you don't have to apologize about that. I… I know it's definitely hard to lose someone you love. Y-you don't have to apologize to me."

He was relieved to hear that. He sighed and dried his face again. "I couldn't be there anymore. Siam was-" he winced remembering what he'd said.

"Siam was?" She inquired, turning her head to the side. She didn't understand. This whole palace was foreign to her. "Your grandmother, right? Isn't she the last living woman in the palace besides your father's current…" She didn't want to say it, "Bao Ma?" Wouldn't that mean unless Keenan, the emperor, had another wife or concubine that Bao Ma was the lead of all the women of the palace now? The new head consort?

She felt a little dread at that idea, but she looked at Vy, trying to remain sympathetic to him. "There's no other women left then. I know… That's difficult. Living without a mother. I'm not sure how I'd take to my own grandmother's passing." She felt her chest squeeze at the very notion of it and it made her heart throb in her chest nervously. What could she do to help him though? They were...

There was a bit of dread at the idea of Bao Ma being the matriarch of the family now. "She was- She meant a lot to us. She taught us- so much. She was the closest thing we had to a mother figure." He frowned and winced. "I didn't know she was- I never thought- I wasn't there for her- and now she's gone."

"What do you mean you weren't there for her?" She asked him quickly. "You can't blame yourself for her dying. Vy. It's natural. We don't get to choose when we leave or stay. Sometimes things don't go as we want and the time we spend with others is short lived. What matters is how we spent it with them, not how we didn't."

He looked at her. "I-" she was right, but why did he feel guilty then? "They'd been looking for me," he frowned and looked down.

"Can't be helped. It's not like you expected to be needed then and there." She shook her head. "Stop trying to blame yourself. I'm sure they were more worried you'd miss her final moments over the fact that they couldn't find you. You saw her, she saw you. That's what counts." She felt more worried about how he was taking this.

She… She didn't expect him to react so strongly about it. Maybe when he meant for her to meet his grandmother, it had been something important. She felt her chest squeeze a little and she looked at him, her eyes shining brightly in the dim light. "Yo-You don't want to remember her last day as your fault. Do you?" Surely it'd be more of a remembrance of all the things she was instead of the things he wasn't able to do in her last moment.

He frowned at that. "No I-" he winced. "I don't want to remember her like that either." Laying there, breathing hard… Siam breaking down, begging her to come back.

She tried to be sympathetic but… Her teachings had been different. She wasn't used to being shielded from the discomforts of life. "That's what we all look like when we get old," she told him, "or sick. I think more than being scared, you should remember it's also just as terrifying for them to go when their family is scared to." She looked down, her voice lowering.

"Wouldn't you rather be in the arms of those you love as you slip away or is it better to be alone, scared at your final moments?" She felt her eyes water a little but she looked up at him and she sighed heavily. "You're not bad for leaving her, Vy. It's just… You really won't remember that. I know it seems like you will, but there's far worse ways for her to have gone that could make your memory of her a lot less cheerful and loving. Don't hold onto the fear of watching her go." She felt like she shouldn't have been the one to be talking to him about this.

Maybe she was… Maybe she wasn't. She just- She couldn't get the image out of her head of all the men and women in her village. The soldiers who died shortly after being brought home. The women who died in labor and worse yet… The terror of a jaguar over the body of- She turned away quickly, swallowing hard. "It could be a lot worse." She breathed out shakily, gripping the fabric of her night robe in her hands tightly.

He looked at her. "Yeah, it could have." He took a deep breath. "It's just hard, I guess. Seeing her like that." He sighed. "I know you were trying to sleep. Thank you." He was glad to have gotten to talk to her though. She helped ease the pain.

"Of course it's hard." She stopped him, grabbing his upper arm. "Vy," she looked at him worried. "I wasn't sleeping. It's fine. I just… I just don't want you to feel like you didn't do enough." She chewed at her inner cheek a moment before continuing. "Do- Do you know what I mean? I m-mean… understand." She couldn't talk straight. Her face warmed a little despite her worried features at what she was really doing and her eyes darted away. "L-Look, I'm… I'm not trying to shoo you off or anything. By all means. If you need a moment or time. I'm willing to give it to you. I- I just don't want you to think you didn't do enough for her."

He watched her and then looked down. "Thank you," he said quietly. He felt anxious then. He was grateful she was there to comfort him during this. She didn't have to. He shouldn't have even come here, but he wanted to. He wanted to see her. The person who brought a bit more light to his mundane world. She excited him and he liked it. He noticed her hand on his arm then. It had felt so natural that he hadn't thought about it until now. "I-" He didn't know what he was going to say. He should say that he needed to leave, but he didn't want to.

"Do you want to go out to the garden and talk a little more?" She asked him softly. Maybe help him process it better. "We can talk about anything. Even her if you like."

He shook his head. "No, it's late. We really shouldn't."

"Okay," she told him, pulling her hand back. "Are you okay to walk to your room?" She asked quietly.

He gave her a weak smile. "I'll be okay." He took in a deep breath and stood up. He felt exhausted and weak, but he could make it to his rooms.

"I… I don't know. You don't look well." She got up slowly after him. "Let me see you to your room at least. I'll call a servant to check on you." She didn't want him to… she pressed her lips in a thin line unable to rationalize herself.

"You don't have to do that," he told her. She really didn't have to fuss over him. His chest tightened though that she wanted to make sure he was okay. She was so… Not what he expected, but also someone he surprisingly needed.

"I don't have to but I want to." She told him, "Relax a little. You're going to stress yourself out and put your stomach in a pretzel if you don't care for yourself." She walked over to him to place her hand to his forehead then turned her hand over to the back to test it again. "Come on," she told him. "Let's get you to your room."

He stilled when she touched him. "Alright," he said, giving in. He didn't want to argue with her.

She relaxed then. That was better. "You want to show me your room?" She asked him, her voice a low whisper.

He wondered if there would have been better circumstances for her to ask such a question. "It's just that way." he motioned for the hall just to the left of hers. He started walking then. His feet felt so heavy.

She nodded, keeping pace with him despite lagging behind ever so often. Her skin prickled from the cold night air as they walked down the open hall and cut through the back of the garden. "Are you tired?" She asked, looking at him. She was clearly worried.

"Very." He was being honest. He had been fairly tired when he'd left her earlier. Then to be hit with such an emotional weight. He looked at her seeing she was chilled. She was in her night clothes walking about. He blushed and looked away. Did he seem so fragile that she felt the need to do this?

"Well maybe a soft chamomile tea will help put you to sleep." She mentioned. "In warm goat milk." She followed him till they came to his bedroom door. "I'll see you get something to help you relax. Okay?"

He touched his door. "No," He shook his head. He really didn't want to bother anyone. They should be seeing to his grandmother and- Everyone else.

She looked at him and she huffed a little. "Fine. I'll do it myself then." She told him. "I'm already here anyways."

What a stubborn woman. "You really-" There was no point in arguing with her. He sighed and slid his door open. He walked inside and couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed that she was seeing his room. Not that there was much to it. He hardly had much other than the typical decor that was in all the rooms. A few scrolls at his desk… His color of choice was really the only thing personal about it. Everything was black, with just a touch of gold.

"Or the servant can do it." She offered, watching his door open. She followed him to the doorway to wait for him to get closer to his bed. "Once I know you're alright… I'll leave you be."

He felt a ringing in his ears and he laid down. "Okay," he said quietly. His head was starting to hurt from how hard he had been crying. He just closed his eyes and breathed. It would go away.

At least she was distracting him from the pain of Baba's passing. The pain was still there, but just dull and in the back of his mind.

When he laid down she shuffled out of the doorway a moment and into the hall. When she came back, she had a small damp kerchief she had procured. She had dunked it in the cold water of a bucket near the servant's quarters. "Here." She came into his room slowly.

Did she say something? He tried to open his eyes but they were so heavy. "Mm," he grunted. His head hurt.

She pressed the cold, damp cloth to his forehead and wiped down his cheek. Do any of these nobles ever relax? She looked down at him, a little more than surprised by his expression. It was so… vulnerable.

He felt the cold rag and it soothed his headache. He opened his eyes a little to look at her. He sighed as sleep dragged him under.

She stopped and finally noticed the servant coming in with the tea kettle and cups. "Just place it there." She told her, before looking at Vy. "I'll make you a little tea. Just relax and rest. When you wake up, it'll be cold but that's probably for the best." She told him, knowing he might remember a little of what she said.

She waited for the servant to move and she prepared him a small cup and placed it by his bedside before she stood and left with them quietly.

Vy was out for a couple hours before he stirred again. He opened his eyes and looked around. He vaguely remembered making it back to his room.

The room was quiet but a blanket had been pulled over him. The tea sat next to his bed on the nightstand, now chilled next to a lukewarm pot of hot water.

Vy sat up and looked at the tea. He smiled. She really had made sure he was taken care of. His heart warmed at the thought. He got up, taking the tea to his chair and sat down to drink it. It was cooled but still tasted fine.

He sipped his tea slowly as he reflected on what all had happened that night. It had gone from one extreme to another it seemed. He and Qian had a nice night out. She was so easy to be around and to talk to. There was an unspoken awareness of their attraction to one another. It was also understood that nothing could come of it. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. He had a strong sense of filial piety, but he also had never felt this way about someone before. He knew what he should do, but he was conflicted about leaving her without a friend at least. He sighed and sipped his tea.

Then there was Baba's passing. Dread passed over him like a blanket then. His stomach tightened. She'd been such a loving, patient influence in the family. She'd taught him how to handle his father and Bao Ma. She was the reason he was the way that he was. His patience was from her. He owed her so much.

He frowned. His cousins were likely taking this the worst. He would need to talk to them.

A short while after he woke a servant came to knock on the door.

He looked at the door. "Come in," he said, setting the empty cup down.

A pregnant woman, no more than thirty entered. She smiled at Vy softly. "I came to attend to you and see if you were hungry." She bowed her head.

He looked at her and gave her a nod. "Thank you," he told her. "I'm fine for now." If he ate he would have gotten sick.

"Alright." She looked at his cup. "I can bring you a fresh kettle of hot water. Do you want me to replace this one?"

"Yes," he told her. He sighed and looked down. "How are- is the rest of the family?"

"The rest?" She looked at him. "Considering the hour… Prince Siam retreated to his room and has yet to come out. Prince Keelan is arranging with his father a memorial service during this time. They have yet to go to bed. It's nearly dawn but still late in the night. I assume they won't rest till all is complete." She looked at him, smiling a little. "Your father is in his room as well tending to his mistress. They are grieving her death as she was the wife to the previous emperor." Though at one point nearly a concubine herself.

Vy nodded. He'd need to maybe relieve his uncle or Keelan to try and get everything settled for Baba. Then they could go check on Siam.

He stood. "I should help them." Especially since his father wasn't going to.

"It's fine." She told him softly, picking up the kettle. "I believe they're nearly done. The nuns are almost done preparing her for the lake. You should rest for the trip to come. It'll be long and hot, so I hear."

He nodded. Of course it would be. "I should at least go check on Siam." He was taking it the hardest.

"If he'll see you." She smiled weakly. "He's locked himself in his room. No one has seen him come out since they wanted to move her from her bedroom."

"I can at least try." He wanted to make sure that his cousin was alright.

"Of course," she told him. "You're welcome to try." She stepped back to the doorway. "Maybe you might get him to open up. If he may… even prepare for travel tomorrow."

Siam was in his room, laying on his bed as he contemplated everything. With his grandmother gone, he knew that he wouldn't have her to talk to like he used to. He knew that it also was probably going to signal new changes. As their father had it. He had no concubines as their grandmother had starkly been against it for a long time, but it was only a matter of time now.

He crossed his arms, looking over at the wall and then his eyes trailed down to the floor. What would he do now? Just continue on the same path as everyone else? No. He closed his eyes. He wasn't going to play into this game. He hated it. Watching their mother pass away had its own devastating effects, but this was just… Nothing could really quite pin the feeling he had on this.

Vy came to his room and stopped. He had knots in his stomach, but he tried to ignore it. Siam was like a brother to him. He knocked on the door then.

Siam looked up at the door and down. "I'm not taking visitors right now." He called out from his bed.

"You can take this one," Vy said from the other side.

He winced, looking down. Vy. Of course… He didn't seem at least charmed by his attempt to push through. "What do you want?" He asked him sharply, looking away at the floor.

"For you to let me in," he told him. It was obvious why he was here, so he wasn't going to let him dodge anymore.

Siam shifted back in his bed, hardly pleased with it. "Go ahead." He crossed his arms, "It's not like you'll leave anyways." They all had an annoying habit of doing that to each other though. It was to be expected.

Vy opened the door then and walked in. Siam was the one with the most attitude. "You're right, I wouldn't." He looked at his cousin and sighed. "They're taking her tomorrow."

Siam turned his head so he didn't have to look at Vy. "I know this. I was there… Till they pulled her out of my arms." He ground his teeth together. He was bitter about it though.

So bitter… "Will you go?" he asked him.

"Of course I'm going to go." He sniffed, angry he'd even ask such a thing. He looked at Vy, "Why wouldn't I go?" He loved her like she was his own mother. In fact, he remembered her better than he could his own mom.

"Because you're upset and not wanting to be around anyone."

Siam looked at Vy, glaring at him almost, "Of course I don't want to be around anyone!" He barked, standing up. "I want to be left alone!" He was pissed! Angry, hurt… A little lonely and conflicted right now.

Vy was not intimidated by him. He looked at him. "You're not the only one who felt that way about her." He told him. "At least she died peacefully. Don't taint her memory by being angry and bitter."

"What do you know?!" He snapped, straightening up. "You think it's just as simple as her just passing away? You think I don't understand what this means? I know you care about her, but so do I! I just hate that her memory is only precious to us. My father doesn't care! He's been hiding his own concubines behind her back for years just to have her believe he'd stop this nonsense but it doesn't! No one respects her!"

"You can't control that," Vy told him. "You think she didn't know?"

Siam clenched his teeth. "You don't know that she did or didn't either! Don't act like you know what she knew." He had tears starting to roll down his face.

Vy frowned. "She knew that raising us better than our fathers was worth more than the fighting." He felt the same emptiness that he did.

Siam looked down. "What good does it do if we just follow as they say anyways? How much of a puppet are you, Vy?" He was just seething. He didn't mean it but- He didn't want his pain to feel diminished.

Vy was taken back by that. Hurt people hurt people, he told himself. "Alright," he told him, backing up. "I just wanted to see how you were doing." He was mourning too, and he didn't need to put up with Siam's anger.

Siam clenched his teeth before grinding them back and forth. He looked at Vy and then away, realizing his actions. "It's best you see Keelan instead. I'm not good company right now."

Vy just nodded. "Alright," he sighed and turned to leave.

He looked down, waiting for him to leave and his jaw tightened.

Vy closed the door behind him and frowned. He'd go see Keelan then. He started down the hall.

Their rooms weren't too far apart so it didn't take long. He knocked on Keelan's door. Keelan was usually a little more level headed than Siam, but that didn't mean he was in a mood to talk either.

Keelan was finally heading back down to his room when he caught sight of Vy. He tried to smile at him, "Hey!" He started, walking over to him then and his smile dimmed seeing his expression. "You left rather quickly. I was worried." He looked tired.

He turned to look at him. He saw his exhaustion. "I did," he looked down. "I- didn't want to see her like that." And Siam's reaction really hurt to witness.

"That's okay," he breathed, looking at him. "Siam was being difficult to let her go." He frowned, looking down. That probably took its greatest toll on him. "I just wanted to get her some place quiet to sleep and then father had Mansa take him to his room. It was probably better you didn't see any more of it."

"Yeah," he frowned. He could imagine though. "He's very bitter about it, and angry."

"He wasn't ready to let go." Keelan looked down. Though honestly… Neither was he, but she was already gone. He knew that well enough. "I assume you went to see him?"

Vy nodded. "Can't say that it went well."

"I sort of expect as much." He chewed at his inner lip. "My father was speaking with the officials and he is going to name the next matriarch after we return home."

Vy frowned. "Has my father helped at all?"

Keelan looked at Vy and he really didn't want to lie to him. He sighed, looking down. "He's attending to Bao Ma who's grieving her death." He wouldn't badmouth him. He couldn't. He knew Vy just wanted the same thing he had… For his father to care to some degree about their family.

Vy knew already, but he'd hoped this time his father would care a bit more. "Right," he sighed. He looked at Keelan. "Are you okay?"

He looked away, cringing, "No."

There was nothing to say to that. He hated that there was nothing he could do to fix it. He opened his mouth to try and say something, but just sighed.

"It's not something to fix," he told Vy quietly. "I just- I just really hope that what comes of this next isn't anything unexpected. Honestly." He curled a lip a little. Now that she was gone, he knew his father was going to go full send on everything he'd been lax about before.

"We'll handle it though," he told him. They could handle it together.

"How?" He asked him. How might they handle this together?

"We do what we have to," he told him. There was no changing what happened.

"I don't think we even know, let alone have the power to do anything right now." He told him softly. He was too tired and beat down to care right now. He just wanted to go to bed.

They'd figure it out then. What choice did they have? He wasn't going to be a puppet. Siam's words still stung. "I'll let you get to bed. I know you've been up all night." He started to leave then.

Keelan looked up at him, knowing Vy didn't just come for no reason but… "Yeah," he breathed. He watched him start to advance forward but before Vy could pass him he stopped him short, standing in front of him. His expression was somber but he pulled Vy close into a hug. "I'm sorry I'm not much support right now." He told Vy. "I'll make it up to you tomorrow. I promise." After all, he was to be the most responsible one of the three of them.

He stilled when he hugged him and then relaxed hugging him back. "I understand."

"Thanks," he told him, feeling a little better about himself then. "Get some sleep, okay?"

He nodded. He would try at least. He pulled away then to start heading back.

Keelan nodded, watching him go. His smile dimmed after. He really was tired.