Chapter 21

(Warning - abuse, eating disorder, suicide will be in this chapter, if you feel uncomfortable or are triggered by this I would recommend not reading it) The next morning I hobbled into the bathroom connected to my room, the person I was in the mirror did not look like me. Her hand was covering her stomach and she was hunched over. The right side of her face was covered in dark bruises. I lifted up my shirt to see my unhealthily skinny stomach covered in bruises. I tried to take my shirt off the rest of the way but it hurt too bad, "I guess I don't need a shower today, not like I am going outside anytime soon" I said to myself.

Other than the not eating and new abuse getting grounded isn't that bad, I have all my old stuff. I have my t.v. and all my books, so I have plenty of entertainment for the next few months. I crawl back into bed and lay there in the silence of my room.

Why? Why did I have to choose my grandparents? I thought it would be too hard because it would be like they were replacing my mom. They would never replace her not would they want to. It was the worst decision of my life to choose my damn grandparents. My hip hurts. My stomach hurts. My face hurts. Everything fucking hurts.

I can't take 12 more beatings.

If Harry and Louis don't come soon, I won't be able to take much more of this. How do people do this for years and years on end? I have gotten beat once and I am already thinking of ending it all. Well granted I have been getting some form of abuse for months now, this is just the first physical on.

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It turns out I can take more... it has been a month since the first one. It's gotten to the point where the beating won't just come once a week anymore if one little thing made him a little mad during the day, whether that be work, someone cut him off, or he just felt like getting some frustration out he will make his way to my room and beat me senseless. He has come to my room every day for the past two weeks and honestly I CAN'T take it anymore. Each time he does it for a little longer and I really can't take it anymore, I can't.

My door unlocked, I flinched. The only person who ever enters my room anymore is him. He walks over to my bed and just like the first time, he grabbed my wrist and threw me on the floor. He bent down, grabbed my face, and said, "we are going out for dinner with some friends tonight, don't be bad or you will be punished and I won't be as kind as I have been". He lets my head fall to the floor and I see his leg swing back so I close my eyes, readying myself for the impact. The pain shoots through me like lightning, reaching from the tip of my toes to the top of my head, to the tips of my finger. I keep my eyes closed until I hear my door lock.

Tonight.

I can't handle it any longer.

I don't know if Harry and Louis will ever get it but I do want to write them a note explaining everything. I walk over to my desk and start to write the last thing they will ever hear from me, well I guess read. I cried as I wrote it, I mean I don't want to kill myself but I can't handle the fear that comes every time I hear his feat walking towards my room. Or when the sound of the door unlocking. And most of all the pain, not just physical but the mental... the feeling of being weak and knowing I can't and won't be able to fight back.

After the letter was in an envelope I walked towards the bathroom.

I sat on the cold bathroom floor and took apart my razor.

I walked back into my room with the blade in hand. I figured they have me so much pain so I might as well ruin their sheets.

I put the blade to my skin and pushed down in a horizontal line at the to of my wrists, but not hard enough, all it did was leave a scratch.

I pushed down harder. A thin line of blood appeared on my wrist where the blade had to go across.

This time I pushed hard in a vertical line going down my whole forearm. Blood poured out of my arm.

As I watched the blood pour from my forearm my vision started to get blurry and the room was spinning a bit. After a minute or two, everything went black for a few seconds, when I opened my eyes again I could see... myself?

Oh is this an out of body experience thing, like "since you decided to take your own life, your punishment will be to watch yourself die," sorta thing.

I could see my breathing starting to slow and hear my heartbeat do the same. At that moment the door flew open and Harry and Louis rushed in, oh maybe this is not a punishment, I get to die thinking somebody cares about me. Then again this could still be a punishment because they want me to think I won't die and I am saved when in reality I will be dead in minutes.

Just like before, my vision started to get blurry and I could tell this was it. I tried to stay watch my dads stop the bleeding but they weren't doing very well, you'd think whoever was controlling this hallucination would at least make it look like they were saving me.

Right before everything went dark for the final time, I saw some medics run into the room, ahh see there you go this looks more realistic. I wish it was real. I really don't want to die.

Then there was nothing.