Don't go

There is a tight feeling in my chest and balls of knots in my stomach. My head floats and my throat feels restricted. My steps falter and I reach out for a tree trunk to steady myself.

"Princess," Prince White Fur calls in concern. "Jiasheng, Mingming, go with her."

Steady arms support me on either side and I walk between them.

"Thank you, Sword Song," I say to the men when I stumble and they stabilise me. "Thank you, Bright Cheer."

The men exchange looks over my head. I remember them dancing with their swords. There's an image of spending time with them and the Prince. Their jokes and teasing - no. No. I cut off the memories. I will not remember. I must not remember. It's not right to remember.

"Princess, perhaps you should sit down."

"No."

"Princess, you're very pale. You don't look well."

"I don't think Tofu has ever been well," I reply, my breath puffing. Near the caves, I sit on a log and rest for a moment. Then the men help me back up. Just concentrating on the steps has been difficult and I collapse against the cave entrance. The cracks in my centre are growing. Tofu is falling apart.

"My Lady," Fluttering Bird runs to me from the inner darkness, followed by Baby Tofu and the rest of the family. "My Lady, are you all right?"

"Safe," I tell her. "Safe," I tell Gentle Whiskers. "They are safe. Old friends."

And then I crumple into a ball and cry.

Baby Tofu attacks the two men with his chubby fists and little legs.

"Naughty," he scolds them. "Bad men. You made my Mother cry. How dare you make her cry!"

"What's going on?" Gentle Whiskers stands up while I continue sobbing, unable to stop. I need the tears to wash away all the memory and emotions away from me. "She had been doing well. Her health was stabilising. This could be a great set back. Explain, what's going on, please."

Baby Tofu points a finger and has one hand on his hip.

"Out," he orders. "I don't like anyone who has made my Mother cry. Father said I have to protect her if he is not here."

"All right, Young Master. All right," Sword Song holds his hands up in surrender. "We're going."

"He's right," Gentle Whiskers says with a sigh, beckoning to Keen Eyes and Teacher. "We should talk out of her hearing. Come this way please."

All the men leave the cave. The children surround me and try to cheer me up, although the youngest begins to cry with me. Before long, all the children are crying with me. Fluttering Bird and Swaying Blossoms are hard pressed to comfort us all. Only Baby Tofu doesn't wail. His tears still fall, but he does not make a sound. He only hugs me tight. His skinny arms are not as chubby as they should be for a boy his age.

"Mother, I love you," he says. "Baby Tofu will keep you safe. I won't let anyone make you cry."

"My Lady," Fluttering Bird whispers. "Why are you crying? What's wrong?"

"Tofu doesn't know why she is crying," I laugh out loud through my tears. "Tofu only knows she hurts. Everything hurts. Tofu doesn't remember and so doesn't know why she cries."

I cry harder. Cry myself to sleep.

Fighter picks me up and carries me home in his arms. Prince White Fur and his men have set up camp. The children cry from hunger and exhaustion, but we have nothing left. We served it all to the soldiers.

Swaying Blossoms and Fluttering Bird feed them what little they had hidden. What they had managed to set aside. Seeing this, the Prince tries to offer some food but they refuse.

Fighter strokes my back while I lay on the bed, hiccuping. He feeds me sips of water.

"It is good you spoke to them first," he says softly, brushing the sleeping Baby Tofu's hair back from his face. "Or they would have killed me and Baby Tofu."

"I know," I whisper.

"I'm sorry," he says to me.

"For what?" I ask.

"Everything," he says. His voice says more than his words. His eyes tell me what he can't speak out loud. I see a resolving decision. "Everything."

"Don't you leave me. Don't you dare leave me." I hear a decision in his voice. A decision I don't like. "You are not leaving me."

"The Prince is right."

"No. He is not. No," I hold onto Fighter. I may not love him but I do need him. Baby Tofu needs him too. "The Emperor is dead."

"But he's not," Fighter says. "You know he's not. No more than the Princess is dead. You're still here. You can still recover."

"No. No," I shake my head. Baby Tofu stirs and settles again.

"You are strong," Fighter tells me, stroking Baby Tofu's back. "You are more a fighter than I am, Tofu. You need to stop hiding. I need to stop hiding. We need to stop running now. I need to face what I have done and accept the consequences. I must."

"He promised. They promised. They wouldn't harm. Wouldn't kill. He doesn't break his word."

"They didn't. The Prince didn't break his promise. I know my own duty. I know right from wrong."

"The Emperor is dead," I insist. "You are not the Emperor."

"I was. And I did many wrong things."

"Was. Is not now. What about Baby Tofu? If you go, then they will one day take him from me too, because he is also yours," I watch my sweet boy sleeping. I thought I had no more tears left, but I was wrong. I can't bear to think of having my Baby Tofu torn from my arms.

"The Prince said that my enemies are closing on our location. They heard about us hiding and have finally tracked us here. There are many people hunting us. He came ahead to see if he can find and protect you. He can't hold them all off. They will be arriving by tomorrow at the latest. I have to go tonight. I'll take Baby Tofu with me. The Prince promised your and the others' safety. He can't promise it if I and Baby Tofu are here and my enemies come. He's promised to let Baby Tofu and I go. He won't track us or kill us. I can't sacrifice all your lives just in exchange of my own. I've already packed. You just need to prepare Baby Tofu's things. Tofu, my love. I'm so sorry."

"No. No."

My head says one thing, but my heart says another. Somehow, I find myself packing Baby Tofu's things. We strap the sleeping boy to his father's back and I kiss my baby goodbye. I can't bear to part from him, but know that if I keep him, they will rip him from my arms, and my world will be filled with red blood again. I might not survive it, but then, why would I want to? Before he leaves, Fighter kisses my cheek and places something in my hair.

"The Prince found this and guessed it was yours," he tells me and then strides out with his sword by his side, my boy on his back and bags over his shoulder. I hope he can run far enough to evade the hunters. He disappears into the dark.

I see the Prince and his soldiers watching me in the light of their campfire. I don't know if they saw Fighter leave from the back window. In the light of a candle, I recognise the apricot blossom hairpin. It is chipped and parts are crooked. It is not mine. It belonged to the Princess when she had thought to return, but she… she...

In the deep forest, I sit in a moonbeam, looking up at the sky.

The Princess is dead.

Miss Lin is dead.

Tofu is dead.

Now, who am I?

Dark shrouded figures stalk in the wood.

They call a name that is not my own.

They bring with them danger.

They bring with them shame.

They bring with them blades.

I hide all alone.

I'm left with a decision.

I must make a choice.

I must choose a path, but what will it cost?

Behind me, a red world lurks.

Beside me, shadows dance.

Before me, all is dark.

I fear I am lost.

In my hand, I hold a baby's rattle. I leave it aside.

I place it before three little dirt mounds. All side by side.

What is my decision?

What can I choose?

Have I anything left now that I can still lose?

Through moonlit shadows, I stumble on uneven ground.

The trees are no shelter.

No comfort.

No joy.

Where am I going? I don't even know.

So I look at the sky and cry my remaining questions.

If I am dead, then who am I?