Chapter 6
1. An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "They're not getting divorced if I have anything to do about it," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they're coming for Thanksgiving...now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
2. Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You was born a deer, you was raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
3. Mike was going to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.
He said, Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite i took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, Here - try these on .She did and said, "These are too big" . I can't wear them. I replied, Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
Ever since that night we never had any problems. "Hmm" , said Mike. He thought that might be a good thing to try. On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said Karen, Here - try these on.' She tried them on and said, These are too large. They don't fit me. Mike said, Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to forget that. Then Karen took off her pants and handed them to Mike. She said, Here-you try on mine He did and said, T can't get into your pants.' Karen said, "Exactly. And it you don't char attitude, you never will your smart ass He Thought He Was Being Do..
4. I've been wanting to meet Peter for years. Last week my parents finally took us all to Disney Land. I saw Peter and immediately ran up to him and waved saying he was my hero. He grabbed my arms and saw my self harm scars and frowned. He quickly said "No no, you have battle scars! You must have fought off a lot of stinky pirates. You, princess, are MY hero!" And bowed & kissed my hand before hugging me tightly & whispering, "You're beautiful. Please stop," in my ear. I cried the rest of whole day.
5. They were relentless in their attempts to make sure every one of the 150 guests knew they did not like the bride. The poor bride was an emotional wreck about to have a break down by the time dinner was served. The groom was so angry that you could practically see the smoke coming out his ears. It all came to a end when the groom punched his dad in the face at the end of dinner when the dad insinuated that the bride looked like she belonged at the strip club in her (not very slutty v neck dress with a low back) dress.
6. A man walking California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish. The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacifica The concrete and steel it would take over thousands of wiles I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for world things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would he our and glorify me." The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they feel inside. what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy." The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge !
7. Mrs Gibson was 82 years old. Her son owned an airfine company One dag, she went to the airport to take a plane from Australia to the USA With her she had a Right bag and a pet basket with her lietle pet dag called "Spott" inside.
The flight that dag was very crowided. Mrs Gibsan sat down on a window seat and put her dog besket down on the seat next to her. A light attendant said to her, Tm very sorry, madam, but this fight is fully booked. Pm afraid I have to take your dog and put it at the back of the plane for the journey The olid lady didn't argue and gave the basket to the fight attendant. After an hour in the air, the flight attendant checked on the little dog. She was horrified to see that the dog was dead at the bottom of the basket She told the pilot and the pilot told the airport in New York The company director was furious, because Mrs Gibson was the airline owner's mother. In the end, they decided to bay different dag to replace the dead one.
The fight attendant took a photo of the dog with her phone and sent it to New York to show them what it looked like when the plane landed, Mrs Gbson got off the piane and the flight attendant brought her the basket with a inew dog in it .
8. Sorm a white Caucasian female but I am lluent in Mandarin and English Now looking at me , you wouldn't know I can speak Mandarin , which is why I find it absolutely hysterical to mess with people when they come through my line speaking Chinese , and I understand every word their saying . My co workers tind it especially hysterical Okay , so the other day this Chinese couple came through ! asked them ( in english ) al at the questions about the bags and they had their rewards cards , all of that fun stuff Anyway , I started ringing up their stutt and the wite said to her husband Tell her not to bruise the bananas in Chinese , and I didn't say anything The wife said tell the stupid girl to go faster in mandann smiled at her and pretended Ike I had no idea what she was saying She kept commenting on how my hair was like a boys ( have shorttrait is honesty not even that short ) and how her grandfather would have gone faster than I was going all of this in Chinese and then she said make sure she doesn't forget the water in Chinese and I replied in English , won't forget the water And I watched with enjoyment as a took of sheer terror spread across her tace , as she realized I understood everything she had said before She just stood there with her mouth open and her husband said in chinese ) This is why you shouldn't trash tak employees while the standing right in front of you And I replied ( in english ) ' He's righr They paid the husband apologized and en After they waked out the door my manager and co worker and I were laughing so hard , even though being a cashier sucks sometimes makes my day a little nghter when something like that happens.