Dreadful Laughter part II [James]

I wonder if there is any divine punishment or divine justice.....

I look at the other humans walking on the streets. they aren't aware of nothing. they all put on mask to avoid confronting their emotions. they all are unaware of their partner's daily routine from morning to night.

I wounder what could they think if they were on my position. would they kill themselves? or would they kill their wife/husband?

I don't know what has become of life. what am I to do now that I am here. if I knew this was my life. then I would had never met her. I would had avoided her. I would had told my heart to not fell for her. and jet that wouldn't be enough to stop me from loving her.

we humans are so boring. there is no beauty or mysticism on our existence. we are because that is how we are meant to be. we are what was asked from us to be. we are the shadow of our ancestors planted on the earth to continue a pointless legacy.

there is no wonder on the world. there is no magic or beauty on the mundane. the dirt and filth on the streets will always be filth. no matter how much a poet or a painter tries to romanticize it.

don't tell me I am overreacting. don't minimize my pain. let me embrace what belongs to me alone. you can ask all you want. you can criticize all you want. but at the end of the day no human. no man can keep a smile on their face if they found their lover, their wife on the hands of another.

don't look down on me. don't put the blame on me. I don't want to be called the guilty party or the culprit for all my misfortune.

why does the victim needs to take the blame for their romantic partner been unfaithful? why do I need to ask for forgiveness? and then kneel like a dog.

why do I have to add more dirt to my name? when I had barely survive the curse that is to live on a prison named reality.

once more I am late on purpose. I am avoiding my own home. why do I run away from my own house? why do I have to hide my face? if it is them who should hide their heads and feel shame, and not me.

they are the ones on the wrong. there is no justice on the world. I just understood how twisted and wrong has to be the world for me to be here.

a voice knocks on my head. it is a familiar face. it is the devil's voice. the whispering of the beast telling me, no. ordering me to end their lives. yes, the beast whispers on my ear sweet little things about revenge that gives enough satisfaction for me to smile.

No, I yield. No, I tell myself. No, I refuse to give in to the beast's sweet words. Yes. Yes, I am the victim here. then why isn't REVENGE on the main menu?

why do I have to be the loser hiding? while my wife is fucked by another man. NO, No. I can't take it anymore. I feel so close to having a mental breakdown. I need to hold tightly from my sanity.

maybe I deserve this. maybe it isn't the beast. but my true instincts call on my ear. maybe I am evil enough to not deserve mercy. maybe my wife's unfaithful body is my divine punishment. I try to justify my wife's actions. at the same time I condemn myself by just being a little bit proud. I am selfish enough to wish for my own happiness.

isn't it human nature? isn't it the reason why humans commit sacrifices? for a reward. for a greater accomplishment. for a life free of pain. a life of enjoyment and happiness.

I am not a good man. even so I am sure he is worse than me.

who the hell he believes to be? to enter into our perfect world. to destroy our romance and turn us into complete strangers. he has to be a monster. he is a villain.

I am about to lose all sanity. I am nothing less than walking danger. jet I hold my feelings and I stop my instincts. I condemn my pride. I mentally punish myself. my living on this literal hell without taking action.

I don't think she will ever find a man capable of loving her more than me. or at least stupid enough to stay at her side. no sane man stays with an unfaithful woman. no sane man tolerates this. not even if he is full of doubts.

she had planted doubts on me. doubts about my blood connection with my own son. doubts about my self as a human. how human am I?

I blindly pretend to not know. I blindly tell myself that it doesn't matter. "it isn't the blood, but the memories that gives me the right to call him my boy." I tell myself. I can't see that boy as anything else than my son.

something has to be completely wrong with me. GOD. oh, God.

my sanity is the lesser of my worries. I am not young enough to justify this lifestyle. I am too old to let time do the trick. I need to let go of her. I am not the person on her heart. I finally understood that.

I am not even worthy of her lips to remember my name. it is better if I leave with the child to somewhere far away. I am going to move on with my life. I am too old to think about love or anything alike. I am too young to become a slave of lies and pain.

I am done. I am so done with it. Fuck it. I don't want to do any further damage to her reputation. I will ask for the custody of my child. I will just leave like that without hurting any more what is left of my mutilate pride.

Soon I will be gone with the wind. I won't be a rock on her road for any longer.

I want to think positive. jet I am not on the mood. the only reason why I haven't kill myself jet is my child. I am also too prideful to let my wife know that she won. she completely destroyed my desire to live.

Fuck me, am I not pathetic enough?

well if that is what I will do. then I can no longer be a witness. I need to stay away from them since now. I need a second of fresh air. some air to breath properly without having a breakdown or without the need to cry.

I need a clear mentality to move on.

I am my own person. I can keep going on without her.

that is all I need. I will eventually forget all about her. one day I will wake up with her name on my lips. the I will ask myself, "Who is that?" I will be unable to even remember the color of her eyes. nothing can stop me from moving on with my life.

YES, I am so fucking ridiculous. how can I keep lying to myself? she will always be the phantom haunting my dreams. she is a lover impossible to leave, or to take.

How am I even Alive? I keep asking myself without finding the answer I want. there is nothing that I can do. I am pathetic and weak like always.

damn, life can be a bitch. life must be a WHORE. I know some religious people may say, "there is no bad that gives you the right to use that language." fuck them, fuck them all.

tears are falling from my eyes. people are looking at me on a weird way. they avoid me, they must think that I am a crazy man who escaped from a mental hospital. don't judge without looking at the deep wounds on the soul.

don't use those words. I am hurt. I am on pain. who gives you the right to judge my pain and turn it into a Solo Act drama. I am not doing this to get your attention. you are not that important to me to put an act. I am just trying to overcome my pain.

I keep walking on the night. the wind blows as a mantle that covers me, that shelters me from my inner pain. GOD, it is so hard to be human. it is so difficult to be alive.

I fall on the floor. I try to stand up. I had given up. no, my body has given up for the day. I stay on the floor for a moment. then I stand up as I put on my best smile. I walk as I normally would walk. I keep my head up.

I don't care anymore. I am going to confront them. I need to do this for me. this is for my own good. to heal and to recover.

after walking for a while I end up in front of my own home.

I have trouble entering on my house. after some time thinking about it. I finally open the door and get inside quietly. they are fucking like animals on the kitchen. 'oh, what was I expecting? some common sense from them?' I told myself.

I feel furious to see that they don't show any respect. not to me, but to the CHILD that is on his room probably hearing all the shit that his mom is doing.

I see my wife holding that smaller dick with her hands. she is sucking it. she takes the dick out for a moment. some cum falls on the floor. there is some cum falling from her mouth.

they finally notice that I am home. she looks at me with that look. the one that reads, 'excuse me you are making us feel uncomfortable.' I laugh. what else can be expected from a whore like her.

"I want the DIVORCE." I said as I walk away to my room.

there I said it. finally. I finally had the balls to said it. damn how pathetic I feel for calling that an act of bravery. I had fallen so low. I can't fall any lower than that.

he puts his pants on. he leaves feeling uncomfortable. after he left our boy came out of his room all scare. he looks at me, then at his mother. at this point I will take it if the boy also blames me for what is happening.

"if papa goes. I go with papa." he said with teary eyes.

damn. oh lord, I must had done something good with my life. damn at least the little one is on my side. that is enough to turn down even the strongest fires from the infernos on my mythology.

Samantha looks at me with a confuse face. like if I had done something wrong, or done something truly horrific. then she kneels. she asks the boy if he hates his mom. "YES." was the answer my son gave her.

I have no hand on that. she won the hate of her son, not me. I had never told the boy about mama's behavior. he only needed to be part of the house to see how little respect his mom has for us.

the worse part is that she forgot our boy. she isn't just a horrible wife. she also makes an excellent point of how much of a terrible mother she is.

"you can't do this to me. what wrong have I done?" asks the snake pretending to be human after she had played with her prey for so long.

she tries to put the blame on me. am I to blame for asking for the divorce? she has done enough for me to give up on our marriage. she hurts me. she hurts us.

"I was thinking how heartless of me, to let you stay on the cage I called love. when you want to be free to love others. now I am giving you the freedom to love whoever you wish to love. go and have all the love I wasn't able to give you."

I was about to cry, so close. but somehow I hold my tears. I can't show myself weak in front of Samantha. I just want all to end.

she starts to tell me sweet things. she tries to stop me from taking the next step. she makes promises of better tomorrows, she hugs me. she whispers on my ear. she tells me what she wants to do to me on bed. she makes false promises of more sex.

a tear falls from my eyes. that is everything that I wanted to see or hear before. but sadly I am too tired to believe a single word. I just want to start already with the next chapter of my life.

she admits that she has done wrong to our romance. she has done wrong to our child. I know she is just lying. she is just using me because I make more money than her lover. I make enough money to pay for her pleasures. that is not love, that is Greed.

she isn't talking about love. she isn't healthy for me, nor to the boy. damn why do I have to love that devil so much? why am I so weak? I have no answer.

"I love you." I curse myself for using those words aloud.

"don't worry honey everything is going to be alright. do NOT worry. my LOVE." I knew I had committed the most stupid mistake of my life by taking her fake words, as a creed of her true feelings.

how wrong and stupid I was at the moment.

the mistake was done. there was nothing to undo it. now what comes next?